“Will he ever wake?” asked the young girl.
Dialogue - always a quick way to begin; and this opens on a question. ^_^
No matter how hard he tried he always [s]lied[/s] still.
lied -- ought to be 'lay'
The young girl's pattering feet faded away leaving Berello more alone than he already was.
Girls -- ought to be possessive, and so, needs an apostrophe which I've added. ^_^
At this point though, you also make an abrupt shift. We're looking at things through the girl (Purnikus?)'s eyes. She asks the questions. We even hear her thoughts. Then abruptly we're in Berello's mind. Now the reader listens to her feet pattering away...?
Make the transition more smoothly. Perhaps if you were to describe more from Berello's 'paralysis'? Go into his world entirely, a paragraph, what it feels like and if he can see - so that when we get to the girl's retreat, we come out of that and have had time to accostom ourselves to it.
Naturally, you could just stay with the girl's POV. But that would rather defeat the purpose, I think. ^_^''
“You could always let go, [comma]ya know,” said a harsh, [comma?] brittle voice, “Your body’s shot and I just can[']t figure out why you keep hanging on to this world so hard.”
Punctuation, yes? I like the tone of the voice - distinct. Just be certain to get those commas and such in. ^_^
“S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s,” said Berello.
Berello trying to speak? Doubtless, things can be overdone. But in this case, it's brief and understated - I wonder if you couldn't describe his attempt at speech somewhat? as well as giving him the stuttered-s's?
“She. Is. Still. alive,” said Berello firmly.
This was a titanic effort on Berello's part, I take it - apparently, by what follows, he stunned and overjoyed he actually managed to speak.
'Firmly' seems rather weak there. ...'said Berello with an effort', possibly? ...'stammered Berello painfully'.? Does he force the words passed barely moving lips? Does he still slur? Not only is this an effort, but he's saying it with quite a bit of emotion - this is the moment.
As it is, it doesn't quite come through. Ah well; words; I spoke - bloody brilliant.
Let the reader feel the effort. ^_^
“I see,” The voice was not so harsh now.
Full-stop/period, perhaps, rather than a comma after 'I see'.
“Well, Ya wont be doing much saving her in this here bed. You two are the most stubborn Half-Deaths I’ve ever come across.
'Ya' -- no captilasation for that.
There's something somewhat intriguing about the repetition of 'Half-Death', as to what it might mean and the speaker's blase attitude towards.
He summoned all his strength. Every ounce of energy he could pull at.
Ach, ending on a preposition, even in a fragment, is a bit awkward. Try rephrasing the fragment then?
“Shut up!” [s]Yelled Berello[/s]. He bolted upright and opened his eyes. The bright lights of his room caused them to close again.
I would strike 'yelled...' entirely. It reiterates what your exclamation point implies, and weakens Berello's action; not needed in any sense.
Then the final sentence is rather passive, unintentionally so doubtless. Rather than '...caused them to close' try giving Berello's reaction? Example: 'The bright lights of his room made him flinch; he even brought a sluggish arm up to cover his eyes.'
You can rework that quite a bit better than my suggestion, I'm sure. ^_^ It's the passivity that needs looking at.
“Argh, why do you keep calling me that?”
'Argh' rather stands out. Is it necassary? The tone of the question, exasperation, pathetic, comes through as well if not better without. ^_~
Berello’s eyes adjusted to the lights and he could see things clearly. So many machines, all cluttered around his bed. All of them beeping, hissing, humming, and making all manner of racket. It was a wonder it didn’t drive him mad. “Where am I?” asked Berello.
Again, as with the 'yelled' bit, you're tagging dialogue that doesn't need the extra-explanation of a tag. You could drop 'asked Berello' and have an obvious speaker despite it.
If you really need the tag, drop the proper-noun 'Berello'; merely put 'he asked'.
What a disappointment to see a plain black man standing there.
Fragment - intentionally so? As to the description: It's painfully vague at the moment. Would you write 'a plain white man standing there'? Or 'a plain yellow man...'? What does he look like? Older, younger? Worn out or perky? Is dark-skinned, or barely brown or thin or tall? At the moment, I rather wonder - what the devil does 'a plain black man' look like?' o0'
Baggy t-shirt and slacks completed by a nice pair of tennis shoes.
This helps. But it doesn't give an impression of this fellow's aspect; it's purely superficial.
“Doesn’t really matter now,[comma] do it?”
Comma, as you see.
“Dr. Jerotis! He’s awake and he’s moving!” screamed the young nurse who had been tending to Berello for the last month.
Oy, where did she come from? Back and forth between the black fellow and Berello, and the nurse's scream comes from nowhere.
Does Berello see her come in? Does he hear her? Does the man turn to look?
You began with the girl's perspective; you shifted to Berello's; and now we're in freefall, limited but to any character in third-person. If you're going to stick to Berello, do. The reader will want to relate to these characters, and Berello makes most sense. How is he acting now, that he's just come out of a coma[?] ? How does he feel? Does he feel things more presently? Does he jump at loud noises? Fingers tingle? Is the light still bothering him?
“Sure would’ve made my life easier,” said Arriva, “Well my after life anyway.”
“Arriva, don’t speak,” Fierce strength echoed from her words bringing a cold feeling to Berello. Arriva slumped into a chair against the wall looking agitated. “You seem to be alright, other than the burns but they’ve healed very nicely. I’m sure we could get a plastic surgeon to have a look if you want.”
I like the exchange - it gives character to these people, a different aspect.
But -- the woman also seems to appear suddenly, as if dropped from the sky. Where did the girl go now? Is she still there? I'll get to discussing dialogue in general at the end. ^_^
Berello’s head was beginning to spin. So many words, so many unknowns. Half-Death, Half-Life, and he was sure he heard this old lady say reaper. What in the world was going on? [question].
Perhaps italicise 'what in the world...'?
Here, finally, we go back to Berello's experience. Keep this sort of thing consistent throughout, and you'll have a more comprehensive narrative.
He wanted to tell here he had been awake all the times she pondered to herself out loud. Tell her that he appreciated all her worry and caring, but stopped himself. She’d probably just get embarrassed like girls do when they find out their little brother was eavesdropping on them. Maybe.
Another good interjection for character...it gives a better sense of Berello, and at the same time, hails back to his experience being 'out'.
--
In closing then, ragazzo. ^_~
Description: Well, it's rather off-and-on, to say the least. Every now and then, you drop something in - but I get very little concrete or abstract, neither in Berello's experience, interiorly, or his perception of the outside.
Be specific and know what you mean to say. At points, it seemed you didn't quite have the idea or image set in your mind; and so, things were long, or vague on weak adjectives. The dialogue kept the pace quite often. But very few stories hang entirely on dialogue, and those that do have dialogue that is worked and worked and worked to such a bitter precision it could make you wince. ^_~
Let's see this with more input from Berello; and more narrative description of setting. For example: The girl's return out of nowhere and her scream. Set that up.
Dialogue: First, punctuate it. You've lost commas and apostrophes throughout. Second, I'm rather fond of the voice of Arriva, at least his tone. But it doesn't remain consistent. Sometimes, it seems he meant to be working-class American, other times he sounds a bit more high-flown, and then his colloqiualisms slip to a decidedly un-American diction.
You don't need to change the spelling of his words to imply his language. You can. If you choose to, bloody well keep it the same every time (and that's more than difficult). If not, let his sentence structure and attitude speak for him. His manner of speech will come through.
Then, for Berello: Does he have a voice yet? There seemed very little about his dialogue to make it his. Perhaps running him through the Character Answer Game would get him some strength of voice?
...etcetera:
You've dropped quite a lot of interesting hints, oddities about this world or setting, with the Half-Death and Arriva's talk of reapers. So far, it shows up in dialogue - but not so much in atmosphere, or setting. With that in mind, you're a little threadbare in narrative and consistency. Expand it. If this is the reality here, how does it affect the surroundings, the speech, the culture? (Though 'culture' broadly, may be going a bit far.)
If Berello is confused, by all means, play that up - you'll get farther showing the reader things through his bewilderment than by leaving both sides blank. ^_^
Ach, and I've got to run. I very much like the background on this, Adam - you have something intriguing all in all. Buona fortuna, vero?
[ sponsored by the CCF ] IMP
Gender:
Points: 10092
Reviews: 459