Young Writers Society

Quickly disasembling his rifle, he slowly backed up from the ledge to his camp site. It was entirely hidden on the side of the hill on the outskirts of town. It had taken him hours to find the perfect spot to stay hidden.

Kneeling, he quickly packed up what little was at the camp, and silently cleared all evidence of him having been there. It was quick work for the experienced assassin.

Placing an earbud into his right ear, he tapped a button on the back of his camosteel guantlet. A slight buzz in his ear told him he was connected to a secure channel to Headquarters. Speaking softly he said, "This is unit 117 checking in from sector 14b with an all clear, send coordinates of pickup zone."

A series of clicks told him all he needed to know... someone was hacking into the channel. Not knowing how much was heard, he quickly removed the bud and placed it into the flask that held his acid solution for cutting through metal, quickly desolving the plastic bud, immeadiatly terminating the signal. time to head to the back up spot for quick evac. He could tell, this wasnt going to be a normal day...

Suddenly, an alarm blazed in the distance, and he thought he heard a airlift fire up in the distance. He had better hurry, or this could become a sticky situation.

Hello again!

A slight buzz in his ear told him he was connected to a secure channel to Headquarters.

A series of clicks told him all he needed to know... someone was hacking into the channel.

Doesn't secure imply that it's not being tapped? Anyway, these contradict each other and are repetitive because they're in the same format. To fix this, all you need to do to make them not contradict is take out the word secure. You will have to rewrite one if you want to make it not repetitive, though.

I like your verb choice: 'blazed', 'kneeling', and 'desolving' are my favorites. You do say 'know', and 'told' a lot, though, so maybe you could find some some synonyms for those?

Also, your character is lacking a name, and a flaw, at this point, both very important items for character development. He's too perfect right now, and that makes him hard to root for. And the perpetual he's get really annoying.

Good luck! Keep writing.

Diversetactics wrote:Quickly disasembling his rifle, he slowly backed up from the ledge to his camp site. It was entirely hidden on the side of the hill on the outskirts of town. It had taken him hours to find the perfect spot to stay hidden.

Nice. Not too descriptive but enough to give a picture.

Kneeling, he quickly packed up what little was at the camp, and silently cleared all evidence of him having been there. It was quick work for the experienced assassin.

A little more information into who the MC is. well placed and executed.

Placing an earbud into his right ear, he tapped a button on the back of his camosteel guantlet. A slight buzz in his ear told him he was connected to a secure channel to Headquarters. Speaking softly he said, "This is unit 117 checking in from sector 14b with an all clear, send coordinates of pickup zone."

the part in red is a little rocky to me. It feels like blocks in my mouth and messes with the flow in my opinion.

He could tell, this wasnt going to be a normal day...

you needed and apostrophe in wasn't and this part messes with the flow to me too. I would cut it down to something like: He could tell, This wasn't going to be easy.

Suddenly, an alarm blazed in the distance, and he thought he heard a airlift fire up in the distance. He had better hurry, or this could become a sticky situation.

I don't like Suddenly. Only cause it gets used often. You could write something like as the sizzling sound faded an alarm blared in the distance. The red part bugs me. It's a little blocky too.

It connects well with the first part you wrote. It's getting interesting. I hope #117 has a real name too but having a number for a name is pretty neat. I like the short increments you do of this cause it makes it easy to crit. Good job and keep writing!

Courtesy of the CCF

Thanks for the crit's guys. I am trying to think of a name as I go along and "the flaw" is going to become apparent in the next part I think. They are in short incriments because I write the stories during school, so I am limitedto computer time. Anyway thanks again and I hope you keep critting my work.

This shouldn't be in fantasy.

*Moved to Sci-Fi.*