Young Writers Society

Alarms still blaring in the distance, he shifted his pack into a comfortable position and started sneaking his way over the rest of the hill. He had to get out of here, and fast.

Now he could definitely distinguish the sounds of an airlift approaching. Crap. he thought, working his way to the crest or the hill. I don't like this at all If I am not careful, things could get ugly.

Patting his ammo bag on his hip, he made a rough estimation of forty rounds for his riffle, four spare 15 round clips for his pistol, two phosphorescent flash grenades, and a pound block of C-12, similar to C-4, but many times more potent.

He heard shots fired, and sprays of dirt surrounded him, and the camo on his armor flickered in annoyance. Quickly, he ducked behind a boulder just at the crest of the hill. He really needed to leave, and soon.

He looked at the other side of the valley and estimated 3 kilometers to the pick-up point, damn, he thought to himself little cover to the zone, and now a gunship joins the fight. why did I get assigned to this crap.

His instincts told him to dodge left, and as soon as he tucked into his diving roll, the boulder shattered in a fiery explosion flinging shrapnel everywhere. No, he thought.Today is not going to be easy.

He heard the roar of the engines approaching faster than ever. With a split second decision, he pulls out one of his grenades, pulls the pin, and launches it straight into the air. His eyes went blank for a second as his HUD cyber-brain package kicked in. He quickly put a nav point on where the pick- up was, and shifted more power to his suit's camo field. He took off like a bat out of hell, flying down the hill at a break neck pace. A targeting recitle layered over his vision, and with a quick re-programing, red showed hazards in his way and green showed potential cover. A dull thump echoed across the valley and the whine of a damaged engine filled the air. stopping for a moment, he looked up and saw something truly amazing. The gunship had flew over the hill at the same time he threw his grenade, the engine sucked it in, and it detonated, blowing the engine off the ship and causing it to spin chaotically out of control.

He hesitated for a brief second, and then took off again. That was a lucky throw, he thought mildly.Luckiest I have ever seen, or my name isn't Shale Longshot.

To be Continued

Alarms still blaring in the distance, he shifted his pack into a comfortable position and started sneaking his way over the rest of the hill. He had to get out of here, and fast.

I would think he would be more concerned about getting out than shifting his bag. Just my personal opinion.

Patting his ammo bag on his hip, he made a rough estimation of forty rounds for his riffle, four spare 15 round clips for his pistol, two phosphorescent flash grenades, and a pound block of C-12, similar to C-4, but many times more potent.

This is me being nit picky again but that is an awful lot of ammo to be in a bag.

He heard shots fired, and sprays of dirt surrounded him, and the camo on his armor flickered in annoyance. Quickly, he ducked behind a boulder just at the crest of the hill. He really needed to leave, and soon.

I would alter this so you don't have and twice in the same sentence. Repetition can lose the reader.

He looked at the other side of the valley and estimated 3 kilometers to the pick-up point, damn, he thought to himself little cover to the zone, and now a gunship joins the fight. why did I get assigned to this crap.

you don't need to add the thought tag. You already established him thinking before and don't need to again.

His instincts told him to dodge left, and as soon as he tucked into his diving roll, the boulder shattered in a fiery explosion flinging shrapnel everywhere. No, he thought.Today is not going to be easy.

same here

He heard the roar of the engines approaching faster than ever. With a split second decision, he pulls out one of his grenades, pulls the pin, and launches it straight into the air. His eyes went blank for a second as his HUD cyber-brain package kicked in. He quickly put a nav point on where the pick- up was, and shifted more power to his suit's camo field. He took off like a bat out of hell, flying down the hill at a break neck pace.

A targeting recitle layered over his vision, and with a quick re-programing, red showed hazards in his way and green showed potential cover. A dull thump echoed across the valley and the whine of a damaged engine filled the air. stopping for a moment, he looked up and saw something truly amazing. The gunship had flew over the hill at the same time he threw his grenade, the engine sucked it in, and it detonated, blowing the engine off the ship and causing it to spin chaotically out of control.

I thought this should be two paragraphs. It may have been a formatting error. Flew should be flown. It sounds awkward.

He hesitated for a brief second, and then took off again. That was a lucky throw, he thought mildly.Luckiest I have ever seen, or my name isn't Shale Longshot.

Cut down on the tags.

The story is continueing well. Try not to dump to much info at once. It can get confusing. A good technique to help yourself is to read it outloud and you will catch alot of the mistakes. Keep em coming.

Courtesy of the CCF

Thanks for the feedback. I think every little bit helps.

I don't like this at all If I am not careful, things could get ugly.

From a guy who just exploded somebody's brain, this sounds oddly comical.

Shale seems more real in this part, and I think that's why I like it the best. I like how all of your verbs are in the active tense, and how there's just enough description to give me a picture, but not too much. Also, I never feel impatient with the flow of this, which is also really good.

I think Adam's got the rest. Thanks for finally giving him a name!

Let's move this over to Sci-fi, since it seems more futuristic.

Diversetactics wrote:Alarms still blaring in the distance, he shifted his pack into a comfortable position and started sneaking his way over the rest of the hill. He had to get out of here, and fast.

Instead of "still blaring" how about "blared."

Now he could definitely distinguish the sounds of an airlift approaching. Crap. he thought, working his way to the crest or the hill. I don't like this at all If I am not careful, things could get ugly.

An airlift? Or an aircraft? If a gunship is lifting off, then say so.

Patting his ammo bag on his hip, he made a rough estimation of forty rounds for his riffle, four spare 15 round clips for his pistol, two phosphorescent flash grenades, and a pound block of C-12, similar to C-4, but many times more potent.

Instead of talking about the C-12 in reference to the older C-4, why not just call it a "demolition charge?" You don't give us the model number of the "riffle" (should be "rifle") or the pistol, so why give us the name of the demolition charge?

He heard shots fired, and sprays of dirt surrounded him, and the camo on his armor flickered in annoyance. Quickly, he ducked behind a boulder just at the crest of the hill. He really needed to leave, and soon.

Wow, they found him pretty darn quick, even with camoflauge armor. Care to explain how this happened?

He looked at the other side of the valley and estimated 3 kilometers to the pick-up point, damn, he thought to himself little cover to the zone, and now a gunship joins the fight. why did I get assigned to this crap.

I'm having a hard time following his line of thinking. He's wondering why he's there when there is a gunship out there? I'd be wondering on how I'd get out of that mess, not how I got into it.

His instincts told him to dodge left, and as soon as he tucked into his diving roll, the boulder shattered in a fiery explosion flinging shrapnel everywhere. No, he thought.Today is not going to be easy.

So how are they able to see him with camo armor? Is it active? Did the gunship fire a missile, rockets, something else?

He heard the roar of the engines approaching faster than ever. With a split second decision, he pulls out one of his grenades, pulls the pin, and launches it straight into the air. His eyes went blank for a second as his HUD cyber-brain package kicked in. He quickly put a nav point on where the pick- up was, and shifted more power to his suit's camo field. He took off like a bat out of hell, flying down the hill at a break neck pace. A targeting recitle layered over his vision, and with a quick re-programing, red showed hazards in his way and green showed potential cover. A dull thump echoed across the valley and the whine of a damaged engine filled the air. stopping for a moment, he looked up and saw something truly amazing. The gunship had flew over the hill at the same time he threw his grenade, the engine sucked it in, and it detonated, blowing the engine off the ship and causing it to spin chaotically out of control.

1. Instead of "approaching faster than ever," how about "approaching quickly."

2. This is awkward. How about something along the lines of "In a split second decision..."

3. Should be "pulled."

4. Should be "pulled."

5. Should be "launched."

3-5 were written out of the style that the rest of the story had. It sounded like you were telling us about some killer game you had, not like it was a continuing game.

6. This one is full of chaotic and nonsensical imagery. First, the gunship flys over head, sucks the grenade into the engine, causing the engine to blow off the gunship, and somehow the gunship spirals out of control. The problem is, none of it makes any sense.

First, the use of the grenade. I don't have a problem with the use of a grenade (it already being a fairly impossible shot) but rather with type of grenade, which you listed as a phosphorus flash grenade.

Phosphorus (particularly white phosphorus) will ignite, causing high temperatures. A flash grenade is also called stun grenades. According to wikipedia, "Stun grenades are used to confuse, disorient, or momentarily distract a potential threat for up to five seconds"

What effect would this have on engines? Probably not that much. You'd get more damage done to the engine by shoving a steel pipe through it then you would by detonating a flash grenade. They do not emit shrapnel, just bright light and noise.

The damage to the engine would be done while the blades chopped the grenade into little tiny pieces. That would effect the blades on the engine, but probably not enough to cause a catastrophic failure.

He hesitated for a brief second, and then took off again. That was a lucky throw, he thought mildly.Luckiest I have ever seen, or my name isn't Shale Longshot.

I think it would be much better if you let it be at "and then took off again." The rest is just corny.

To be Continued[/quote]