Young Writers Society

He was nearing the pick up point. He could now see a helicopter heading his way from a distance, one of his. It was time to get out of there. Now came the risky part. He needed to send up a signal now that his com-link was disabled to notify the pilot that he was there, but how to do it?

Pulling out his last phosphorescent grenade, he pulled the pin and buried it in the sand and ran. The grenade ignited, the intense heat causing the sand to turn to glass.

Pouring the rest of his water out of a canteen onto the red hot glass sent up a cloud of steam, and hopefully the pilot saw it. Now to provide cover. He pulled out his rifle, moved away from the still hot glass and turned on the heat scope. He saw the outlines of a few men, searching for something, and right as he heard the braying of some hounds, he saw them still a kilometer or so off.

The cloud having alerted the handlers, they had released the dogs in an attempt to slow him enough to capture or kill him. It was time to do some dirty work. He reassembled the riffle, and propped it on its bi-pod and kneeled to stabilize his body. He targeted the first dog, and his gun belched fire and a loud report of the gunshot. Quickly replacing the spent cartridge he took aim at the second dog of the pair. A breath, a shot, and the pursuit was weakened again.

Now to deal with the humans.

He quickly checked behind him and saw the helicopter much closer. Almost to the spot. He deactivated the camo on the back of his armor so the pilot could see where he was and land. He shot a communications laser to the helicopter and said, "Hurry up, the LZ's getting hot. I'll take out the forerunners."

The pilot's reply came quickly. "Good to hear from you Shale, I'll be there in less than a minute. Keep your panties on."

"Easy for you to say," Shale muttered.

He took aim a dropped another target, another, and another still. Finally he could only see one more target in his scope. He considered letting him live, but then the target would become a liability, so he shot him without remorse.

"LZ is clear, make your landing."

"My, my, so formal Shale. I had thought you knew me better than that."

"Oh, cut the banter Jack, and get me the hell out of here."

Shale reached up and grabbed the skid, and swung himself into the cargo bay. He put his equipment into the lock box and took off his helmet. His hair, little though there was, was plastered to his head with sweat. He put on the earmuffs that were on the seat, and the loud chop of the blades were muffled to a dull thump.

"Looks like you could use a shower."

"Shut up Jack. Lets go home"

"Good to see you too buddy"

I think before anyone comments, you should revise this yourself. There are several errors in the first paragraph alone.

I critique, not babysit.

- Andy

Pulling out his last phosphorescent grenade, he pulled the pin and buried it in the sand and ran. The grenade ignited, the intense heat causing the sand to turn to glass.

This seems a bit unrealistic. I know it's Sci-fi but still.

The cloud having alerted the handlers, they had released the dogs in an attempt to slow him enough to capture or kill him. It was time to do some dirty work. He reassembled the riffle, and propped it on its bi-pod and kneeled to stabilize his body. He targeted the first dog, and his gun belched fire and a loud report of the gunshot. Quickly replacing the spent cartridge he took aim at the second dog of the pair. A breath, a shot, and the pursuit was weakened again.

I like this description. I thought his rifle was already assembled though. It confused me and seemed a bit inconsistent.

He quickly checked behind him and saw the helicopter much closer. Almost to the spot. He deactivated the camo on the back of his armor so the pilot could see where he was and land. He shot a communications laser to the helicopter and said, "Hurry up, the LZ's getting hot. I'll take out the forerunners."

Confused! I thought his communications were out. .

He took aim a dropped another target, another, and another still. Finally he could only see one more target in his scope. He considered letting him live, but then the target would become a liability, so he shot him without remorse.

missed a few letters here.

This was pretty good. Aside from the inconsistencies, this was one of the better parts I've read. A few extra minutes of reviewing and revising can go a long way.

Critted for you by the CCF