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Young Writers Society


a supernatural PI story (still working on a title)



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8 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 8
Thu Feb 22, 2007 7:17 pm
inkweaver22 says...



Trinity looked across her desk at Michael Rockne as if he had three heads.
After an awkward silence, she spoke slowly, as if talking to a toddler.
“There’s no such thing as ghosts, Mr. Rockne.”
He slapped the desk and the golden nameplate that read ‘Special Agent Martinez’ jumped a centimetre in the air. Trinity steadied her coffee cup to stop it from spilling.
“Here we go again,” Rockne muttered, though whether he was talking to himself or her Trinity couldn’t tell. He began pacing quickly up and down the office.
“Just perfect, another person who thinks I’m crazy…they all think I’m crazy…”
He stopped mid-stride and faced her, resting his hands on the desk, his blue eyes staring into her green ones.
“OK, Special Agent Martinez.” He sighed, “Let’s forget how haunted this city is and pretend I’m not a raving lunatic.”
She nodded slowly, pressing her willowy hand gently against the red security button under her desk. She continued to stare straight back at Rockne.
“Regardless of that, there is a threat.”
He took a red whiteboard marker from the penholder beside her nameplate and turned to the map marked Athens, OH hanging on the wall. He uncapped the marker and used it as a pointer.
“Desmond is planning his attack here.”
He circled the Hanning Cemetery in the northwest of the city.
“There are civilians in this area everyday.”
Once again, she stayed silent, staring at the map.
Rockne slammed the desk again in frustration, and a drop leapt out of the coffee cup and landed on Trinity’s hand. She winced as the boiling water scalded the skin.
“You still think I’m crazy!” he shouted, ”You want proof? Proof that there’s something else going on in this city?”
He stabbed at the map with the marker, marking each of the five cemeteries with a dot. Breathing heavily, he drew lines, linking the dots together. As he began to draw one final line, the door of the office burst open and two uniformed security guards entered. One grabbed Rockne’s arms and held them behind his back, forcing him down on the desk.
“Should we eject him, Agent Martinez?”
She nodded, her eyes wide as Rockne tried to look up at her.
The guards began to drag him from the room. He fought, shouting.
“The map, Trinity! Read the map!”
Trinity froze as the door slammed shut. He didn't, couldn't, know her name. Barely anyone did.
She picked up her nameplate. The words 'Special Agent Martinez' shone up at her in golden cursive letters. No Trinity. So how did he know?
She crossed to the window and looked down to see Michael Rockne stagger out of the lobby and fall to the ground. He picked himself up off the worn concrete, wiping dirt off of his black jacket and trousers. He looked up at the window and once again Trinity felt her green eyes connect with his blue ones.
Read the map, Trinity, he mouthed.
Then he turned and walked towards the car park.
She looked away, her eyes turning slowly towards the map on the wall. The five red lines joined and criss-crossed to form a five-pointed star. She felt fear rising in her throat. Simms, Zion, Hanning, Higgins and Cuckler.

The five cemeteries of Athens connected to form a pentacle.
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
..........................................................................................................

Tell me what you think and whether I should bother extending this into a full story. I wrote this a while ago and I've come up with a new version with the same characters so I'll try to get that one up ASAP as well to figure out which one is better.
"...take thy beak from out my heart and quit the bust above my door, quoth the raven: 'Nevermore'..."
-The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe
"...By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."
-Macbeth, William Shakespeare
  





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Gender: Male
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Thu Feb 22, 2007 9:01 pm
Emerson says...



You should space out your paragraphs (Which I would have done for you but it is a little confusing where the spaces would go, the way it is written...) and also what is the point of the five emoticons down at the bottom?

This isn't a critique, just a mod-message :-D
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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187 Reviews



Gender: Male
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Reviews: 187
Thu Feb 22, 2007 9:02 pm
Ofour says...



"Trinity looked across her desk at Michael Rockne as if he had three heads." - Slightly abstract, very inventive but does not look particularly good to me.

"jumped a centimetre in the air." - I don't think the "centimetre" bit is necessary.

"OH hanging on the wall." - ?

"Once again, she stayed silent, staring at the map." - You don't be silenty again you just carry on.

"She winced as the boiling water scalded the skin." - I'd put "her" skin.

This was intriguing but wow, a pentacle, big whoop.
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna
  








The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451