Young Writers Society

Okay, I wrote this chapter about a week ago when I was completely bored. I wasn't sure whether to put this in historical fiction or science fiction, but with some help, I decided on science fiction. This is kind of religious, but I hope no one will take it offensively. I just want it to be critiqued before I show my other friends.

Also, I have this habit of changing stuff in the first few chapters as I go on in the story. I'll let you know if I changed anything, but I think I got this story down now. Now worries. Here's Chapter 1!

1 Year Ago…

“Hey, um, Elizabeth, right?”

“Yes—?” I froze, my face started to burn as I looked into the eyes of the cutest guy in school, Paul Hope. His dark hair was adorably untidy, and his dark eyes were both fully on me. I felt I lost my voice as I tried to answer him again, but nothing came out.

Paul smirked. “Am I interrupting something? I can—”

“No, not at all,” I said quickly. “Do you need something?”

Paul looked to his friends who were either laughing silently or encouraging him to talk to me. I saw Paul’s face look suddenly irate and he made a sigh as he turned back to me. My excited face fell into disappointment and I waited for Paul to talk.

“Would you…well, are you…are you busy tonight?” he asked, putting his hands in his pockets as he stumbled over his question.

I thought for a minute, figuring out that he was not asking me from his heart but from his head. My brow furrowed as I looked at Paul and he seemed worried as to how I’ll answer. He added, “If you’re not, we can go…some other time…”

“Fortunately to you, I’m free tonight,” I said bitterly.

“Oh, please don’t be like that,” Paul pleaded quietly so his friends didn’t hear.

“Well, I’m obviously being used for something. A dare, maybe?”

Paul didn’t reply, but just look at me.

“I’ll see you tonight,” I said. I wrote my address on a post-it note and posted it harshly on his forehead, causing him to stumble backwards. “Pick me up.”

And I left the cutest guy in school.


Going through school, I felt my eyes spot Paul wherever he was—the halls, in class, at lunch. I usually did look at him everyday wherever he was, but today was more of a glare. Was Paul really that great a person? He was cute still, as cute as he’ll ever be, but after talking to him this morning, I didn’t really look forward to tonight.

I didn’t think he’d show up either, but he was serious.

He drove up on my driveway and he walked up to my door. He knocked three times and stood there, waiting, until I opened the door. I saw him and shrugged. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Elizabeth, please—”

I didn’t respond, but seated myself in the front seat of his car. We drove silently onward to wherever Paul planned on taking us. No one spoke, no one dared to speak. As much as I wanted to know where he was taking me, I wanted to go home.

Then I found us parked in front of the bowling lanes.

“I hope you like bowling,” Paul said as he opened the doors and stepped out. I followed suit, not replying. However, deep down, I loved bowling.

We walked in, picked up our shoes, got our own lane for the two of us, and started the game as easily as if we were just family going out to bowl for the umpteenth time this week. Paul went first…and bowled a spare. My brow furrowed as I looked up to him.

He only shrugged. “It’s your turn.”

He sat down as I stood up and walked up onto the platform. I held my bowling ball up in front of me, and studied my approach before I walked up and let the bowling ball roll down the lane. All ten pins flew back as the ball rolled into them and out of sight. I turned to Paul who gaped at the lane.

“Your turn,” I said, sitting back down.

Paul took a moment to recover before standing up and taking his turn. He took a bit longer, probably making more of an effort for a good bowl, before a strike was bowled.

The war continued like this until the tenth round. In the end, Paul won by only a few points. Paul wanted to bowl another game, hoping for a better victory, but I told him I had to go.

“Just one more game, Elizabeth, please!” Paul asked desperately.

“Look, Paul,” I finally said, turning to him, “I played a game with you. I went out with me. Mission accomplished. Take me home, please.”

Paul stood there in silence, looking at me. I stared at him, not wanting to be here anymore.

“Look,” he started with a sigh. He tried to continue, but he hesitated. My brow furrowed and I looked at him curiously. “It was a dare,” he said quickly and looked away. I didn’t reply, but wait for him to continue. Paul looked at me, noticed I wasn’t going to say anything, and explained, “It was at Sara’s party—the short brunette, you know? We played Truth or Dare and I was dared to take you out.”

I nodded. “I knew something was up.”

“Of course you would’ve figured it out,” Paul said. “You’re the smartest kid in the class!”

I looked at him. “How am I supposed to react to that?”

Paul sighed, calming himself, then looked at me and asked, “Could we go out tomorrow night?”

I couldn’t believe it. The cutest guy in school was first using me for a dare, now he really was asking me out again! I was speechless.

“Tonight was much more fun than I thought it would be,” Paul continued. “Could we try again? Maybe go out to dinner this time?”

I could only smile and nod my head. “I’d love to.”

Chapter 1

Present Time…

“You’re not going to your senior prom with Paul, are you?”

“Uh, yeah I am.”

“He’s not good for you, Lizzie. He’s completely rude.”

“Mother, I he’s my friend!”

“You’re mom’s right, Liz,” my father decided to enter the conversation and looked over his newspaper at me. “I suggest you stay away from him.”

“I can’t believe you guys!” I exclaimed with frustration. I grabbed my backpack as my mother tried to soothe my anger.

“We could go to a movie that night, if you’d like,” she bribed. “Or maybe you and some friends could go.”

“I’m just find with my boyfriend, thanks,” I said bitterly. “I got school. See ya guys later.” I left the house, ignoring my mother’s pleas. I didn’t understand why my parents disliked Paul, but it made me made, and made Paul insane. In fact, the only time my parents saw Paul was last year when I first brought him to my house. It was not a happy evening.

I was helping Paul with his simple Algebra homework when my mother came home from work. Unfortunately, right when she walked in, Paul said a curse word, leaving my mother a bad impression. And, of course, my mother tells my father everything. It’s like a game of telephone; the first person’s saying is going to be completely different on the other end of the line.

I was on my way to meet Paul at school that morning, turning corners, stopping by my locker for my books on the way. I was only one more turn away from our usual meeting place when I heard Paul speaking to his close friend, Jon, about me. I eavesdropped from behind the corner. I shouldn’t have done it, but curiosity struck.

“She’s always talking about church and crap!” Paul said exasperatedly.

“Dude, maybe she’s…well…trying to convert you to her religion,” Jon suggested. My mouth dropped open with shock at that statement. I suppose that was a little true, but simply put out like that sounded as if I was attacking Paul.

“Oh, no,” Paul said, shaking his head. “If any converting is going to happen, she’ll be the one converted. There’s no way I’m going to get rid of my Sunday mornings to listen to an old man tell me off about being a bad guy. Next thing that’s going to happen—I’m going to be brought to Confession!”

“Um…I don’t think she’s Catholic,” Jon put in.

“Well, whatever she is—”

“Lutheran—”

“Yeah, that sounds right—” Paul’s face fell at the sound of my voice and he turned slowly to look at me. Jon looked fearfully from one to the other then decided to leave for class, leaving us alone. “Lizzie, I didn’t mean—I mean—” he sighed, not knowing what to say.

I didn’t reply. I waited patiently for his explanation.

Paul looked at me with his soft brown eyes, a defeated look on his face. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked. “Why should you be sorry? If anyone should be sorry it’s me.” Paul tried to speak, but I continued. “I’m sorry for going to church, sorry for being a Christian. I’m sorry we ever met. I’m sorry you had to endure my parents’ wrath for a whole year. I’m sorry—”

“Lizzie!” Paul said, grabbing my arms. I felt my eyes water as I looked up at him.

“I tried, Paul,” I said quietly. “I tried to show my parents you were not some bad guy, that you were my friend, that we enjoyed being together no matter what they said. You know, my dad wasn’t a Christian before he met my mother. I hoped even he would understand that I had a friend that wasn’t Christian. I’m sorry for—”

“Don’t be sorry,” Paul pleaded and held me close as I cried quietly on his shoulder. “We’re just different and we can’t help being different. We lasted this long without talking about our beliefs and now here we stand, finding the weak link between us.”

I stopped crying and looked up at him. “That was the wisest thing I’ve heard you say, and it wasn’t too wise.”

Paul smiled weakly and shrugged. “I guess you’re rubbing off on me.”

At this, an idea struck me. Paul looked at me strangely, but I only shook my head and said, “We better get to class.”

“Alright,” Paul said, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning for the band trip, right?”

“I’ll be there,” I said. We kissed each other then separated for class.


My brother was only ten years old, but he was no ordinary ten-year-old. I would tell you why right now, but you would never believe me. Instead, I’ll just show you why my brother was really strange.

I sat on the couch finishing my homework when my brother came home. “Where’s Paul?” Alex asked with disgust, looking around for where Paul could be hiding.

“Home,” I said simply, completing the last math problem with ease. “We have band tomorrow and I finally convinced him to sleep tonight rather than party ‘til three in the morning.”

“And he listened? Wow…” Alex said, dropping off his backpack on the kitchen table. “I’m going downstairs, then.”

“No homework?” I asked him.

“Nope, finished it at school,” Alex said. “We had science and math, but they were too easy. I finished both subjects in five minutes.”

Alex left down the stairs without waiting for me to respond. I watched him leave for the basement and waited a few minutes before putting my things away and going downstairs into the unfinished basement as well.

No company was allowed in our basement because our cat lurked down here. No family came down here except to go on their computer. We had five computers, one for each member of the family, and we always played a game together on our computers on our free nights.

I walked over to Alex’s computer and sat down in his chair. I logged on, entering his password as easily as if it were mine: Neutron.

Jimmy Neutron was a television show aired about twenty years ago, during my parents’ childhood lives. My brother loved the show and bought every season of it. It was about some little fifth grader boy genius who owned a lab and saved the world countless times from his own creations. Jimmy Neutron was Alex’s idol, even if he was a computer animation figure.

I double-clicked an icon with a picture of an atom and scooted back as the desk suddenly and slowly swung outwards to reveal a tunnel with metallic walls. It was short for my brother’s height, so I had to crawl through. The desk closed behind me, I heard the chair wheel under the desk on its own. I crawled on hands and knees to the other side of the tunnel.

My brother was ten years old, a fourth grader, and a boy genius. He owned his lab in the basement, a lab no one knew about except me and my best friend, Sara.

Sara and I were messing around with my brother, teasing him and whatever else a big sister could think of to embarrass her little brother. My brother couldn’t handle it anymore and took off downstairs. We chased after him and saw, with our own eyes, the desk move on its own to cover this hidden tunnel. Alex made us promise never to tell anyone about his lab.

Why? Jimmy Neutron’s whole town knew about his lab.

I’m not Jimmy Neutron, I’m Alex. Now get out!

That was that.

I finally reached the end of the tunnel and groaned when I noticed a barred gate blocking the entrance. I looked around outside the gate for Alex or any robot that could remove the gate. Alex always tried to keep me out of his lab, and his gate’s lock did not have a key hole.

It was a bright, red circle, like a traffic signal. There was no other buttons; just this lit circle, shining a bright red.

I heard a robot coming, its wheels in quick motion. I looked eagerly to the direction of the sound and saw a robot appear. It was K8. She had the metallic figure of a female, had bright green lights for eyes, and two wheels as her feet.

“K8! Over here!”

K8 stopped and her head turned to face me. I heard the gears crank inside, the computerized brain search her memory banks for my appearance. When she finally recognized me, K8 said, “Oh, Mistress Elizabeth!” She rolled over to the gate and bent ninety degrees to look at me. “How are you?”

“Not good,” I replied, shaking the bars of the gate. “Can you open this? I have to talk to Alex.”

“I am afraid I do not have the control panel to do what you wish, Mistress,” K8 said. “Master Alex is in possession of the controls.”

“Well, could you take the controls from him, please?” I asked as nicely as I could.

“I am afraid I am not programmed to do such a task,” K8 replied.

“Well, then, could you tell Alex that I have a huge favor to ask of him?” I said.

“Of course, Mistress Elizabeth.”

“Wonderful, go do that then,” I said, getting comfortable in the tunnel and folding my hands on top of my stomach. “I’ll wait here.”

“Of course, Mistress Elizabeth,” she said and rolled away.

I sat here for what seemed like fifteen minutes before Alex finally showed up with K8 behind him. He wore a lab coat over his jeans and short-sleeved shirt, goggles hanging around his neck. He took his contacts out and slipped his glasses on, staring down at me with a furrowed brow. “What do you want?” he asked annoyed, his hands on his hips.

“Let me in, please,” I said exasperatedly, sitting back on my knees, my hands wrapped around the bars of the door. “It’s getting really uncomfortable sitting in here.”

Alex glared at me for sometime before pulling out a small remote from his jacket pocket and pressing one of the buttons. The lock turned from red to green and the bars slid away into the tunnel walls as if there were no gate at all. I crawled out and stood up, stretching my cramped muscles.

“Alright, talk,” he said, crossing his arms and looking up at me through the lenses of his glasses. K8 stayed motionless behind Alex, taking in all the conversation taking place in front of her.

I took a moment to relieve myself from sitting in the tunnel a bit longer before saying, “I need your help.”

Alex suddenly became interested. “Why my help?”

“Because…if anyone can come up with a solution…” I sighed as I finished, “…it’s you.”

Alex thought for a moment then said, “Walk with me, talk with me—stay behind me,” he warned. I looked at him wildly and he simply said, “It’s my lab. No one touches anything. Stay behind me.” He started walking and I stayed behind him, K8 rolling a ways behind us. “What’s the problem?”

“It’s Paul—”

“Paul?” he repeated, stopping and turning around with shock and disgust. “Okay, before we go any further, what’s in it for me?”

“What?”

Alex sighed. “Do I always have to use simple words? If I help you, what do I get?”

“The good feeling after helping your sister,” I replied simply. Alex stared at me, waiting for a real answer. I sighed. “I’ll do your homework for a week—”

“A year—”

“Two weeks—”

“Six months—”

“Three weeks—”

“Three months—”

“Four weeks—don’t push it!” I warned before he continued.

Alex thought about it then shrugged, but he said sternly, “It better be perfect marks.”

I sighed exasperatedly. “Fine, perfect marked papers for a month.”

“Deal,” he said and resumed walking. “What’s the problem?”

“I was thinking…is there a way to…show Paul…well…” I didn’t know how to put it. Alex looked up at me with a cocked brow. “Okay, Paul and I got in a discussion about our religion—”

“Don’t say any more,” Alex said, holding up a hand for me to stop talking. “You want me to convince Paul to convert to Christianity—”

“No!” I said quickly. “Well, I want him to know I…I guess…well, that sounds a bit harsh.”

“But it’s true,” Alex pointed out. “Covering the truth with a blanket of lies only makes the truth hotter. You’ll soon want to throw the blankets off before you overheat.”

I stared at him with disbelief. “You really make me look bad, you know?”

“That’s my job,” Alex said. “Now, let me think…”

“Master Alex,” K8 suddenly said, causing me to jump. She rolled in front of me and waited patiently for Alex to respond with his grunt, then said, “May I suggest theT1M3?”

“T1M3?” I repeated and looked at Alex. “Is that a new invention? I don’t recall the name.”

“His latest masterpiece,” K8 said helpfully, turning her green lit eyes on me. “Master Alex has been working on the T1M3 for quite some time. It is nearly finished. Just a couple more tests should do the trick.”

“What does it do?” I asked. K8 was about to reply when Alex shouted, “Aha! Brilliant!” I looked at him as Alex turned around to face me.

“The T1M3 may actually work,” he said, his face bright with eagerness. “How does tomorrow sound?”

“Wait, what is it?” I asked, a bit overwhelmed. “Did you test it yet?”

“Well, we tested it twice already,” Alex said uncertainly. “The first time…I lost a bot.”

“You lost a bot?!” I repeated with horror.

“It was not one of my best creations, though,” Alex said hurriedly. “I didn’t really care for it—”

“You lost it!” I said again with more emphasis.

“That was the first time!” Alex said as loudly as I. “The second time, I got my bot back…three days later. A few more repairs, another test, and it should be good to go. However, if we’re to go through with this, I will have to come with you.”

I cocked and eyebrow, my arms folded across my chest. “Isn’t that going a bit far?”

“I’m the only one who can get us back,” he explained.

“Wait…” I said, my voice trailing off, “…back from where?”

Alex sighed. He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen then wrote out T1M3 for me to see. “Now do you know what it does? It’s a time-traveling machine. It can take you forward or backward in time. I was thinking of sending us back to ancient times to see the life of Jesus. I can’t send a bot back in time—not because K8 isn’t good enough for the job, but because there aren’t any bots back then.”

“Where did you lose your first bot?” I asked.

“Ten years in the future,” he replied with a shrug. “I expect to find it lying around in my lab in ten years time. Anyway, I’ll have to come with you and Paul to get you two back home. However, if my controls fail, I’ll need someone to stay in my lab to work the buttons. Is Sara back from Italy?”

“She returned yesterday,” I said faintly, overwhelmed by Alex’s working brain and its ideas just spilling out of his mouth. I could hardly keep up.

“Good,” he said. “She’ll have to come here tomorrow as well just in case we don’t come back in two seconds. I’ll try to work on the machine tonight to get it going correctly.”

I stared at Alex as he crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it behind him. I watched the ball fly in the air and nearly land on the bare floor when a little metal trash can rolled over and caught the ball before it hit the ground then roll away.

“Okay, get out, please,” Alex said and pushed me in the direction of the tunnel.

“Hey!” I exclaimed from the sudden shove.

“I must work in peace,” he simply said.

“I can leave by myself, thanks,” I said, slipping from under his grip and straightening my shirt. “Thanks for helping. I just hope it works,” I added uneasily.

“Oh, it will work,” Alex said reassuringly then added in a small voice, “I think.”

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K, there you have it. Chapter 1. Let me know how it is. I'll work on Chapter 2 meanwhile. Also, a special note about the rating: It's PG-13 for future reasons--if all goes well

To be honest, I got like ten parargraphs into this and then skipped down a ways. Your story starts off like it's a history of people's dating relationship. Paul this. Paul that. Paul Paul Paul.
I wasn't feelin' it.
But then I skipped to the bottom and you've got stuff about time travel.
I think you should find a more interesting beginning, to pull people in a little more. And dialogue between the couple might be more interesting than the phone convo eavesdrop thing you've got now.

Maybe you could start out the story with an arguing dialogue? Which could inform the reader too.

“She’s always talking about church and crap!” Paul said exasperatedly.

Start the story from here, like Ares said. You should always start with action, not an infodump for half a page as a beginning.

I like it as is. Almost. I think you should take away the history of their first date, as it didn't seem important to the story. Other than that, I think it should stay as is. I REALLY can't wait to read more. I liked the beginning and really liked it when we got to the time travel part. I think you did an excellent job with it.

Post more!

~*Dreamer*~

I liked the first chapter. The beginning was a little boring though. Another thing that bugged me was it went from Paul and Liz to time travel with a Genesis... it went from one thing to another! Another thing that bugged me was the characters are in one spot then another, you don't say anything like: "She walked home past the maple tree"... you just jumped scenes. These are just my thoughts and I hope they can help,

Fire

Very good! Interesting and all.

If you don't scrub their dating history, then you should at least rewrite it, as the wording is too stiff.

Jabber wrote:However, my parents did not like Paul much as a companion for me and my ten-year-old brother hated him.

Here, you tell us the essential info, but it could be more interesting.

Thank you everyone for the comments! I perfectly agree that the intro really was not the bset. That's usually not how I write, but I couldn't think of any way to start it, until M&M's suggestion gave me some sort of idea.

I fixed it. Please review. I started a kind of...Forward before Chapter 1. I hope it's good, maybe better at least. I'm still working on a few glitches in the writing, but please tell me if it's better!

Chapter 2 is nearly finished!

K, after getting some better comments on my Chatper 1, I shall post Chapter 2! (then work on homework... ) anyway, here ya go. I hope it's well. Please comment!

Chapter 2

Sara Krawl has been my best friend for about eight years. She was seventeen in her senior year of high school just like me, though we went to different schools. She went to my church, and every Sunday we would see each other. Once in a while we would hold a sleep over at each other’s house.

I called her later on Friday night if she would be willing to come over to my house a bit early, for she was going to come see the band competition. I told her it was to torment my brother before I left, and she was happy to come over early.

I also called Paul if he was also willing to come early and pick me up. I said I had to show him something before we left. It took a while to convince him to come early, but he finally accepted it. He didn’t like being around my parents, but I told him he would completely forget my parents after I showed him the surprise. “Whatever,” he said.

I slept soundly that night so I was ready to explain the true meaning of their visit to Sara and Paul. However, I was really angry when Alex woke me up at four in the morning, two hours earlier than I wanted.

“What?” I asked groggily, really annoyed for being woken up.

“You take forever in the shower, so get moving,” Alex hissed and left my room in a flash.

I groaned and lay in my bed for thirty more minutes before finally getting up and showering off. I snuck downstairs and waited outside on the doorstep for Sara and Paul. I didn’t want to wake my parents.

“Hey, Lizzie,” Sara said as she got out of her car and walked up to me. “What’s up?”

I looked at my watch. Six thirty. “Paul better hurry up. We don’t have much time.”

“What do you mean?” Sara said with surprise. “We should have another hour before we leave for your competition.”

“Oh, right…” I said quickly, forgetting Sara didn’t know about Alex’s plan. There was finally a low rumble and a black car appeared from behind the tree in my yard, parking in the street. “There he is.” I stood up as Paul walked over. “Good morning,” I said as he kissed me.

“Why did you wake me up so early?” Paul asked straight away. He looked at Sara and nodded politely. “Mornin’.”

“Mornin’,” Sara replied.

“Okay, you guys can talk later,” I said quickly. I led the way inside and down the stairs, preparing Paul for a complete shock. “Now, Paul, I told you I had something to show you. Well, it’s not mine, for one, and for another, we don’t have time to check it out.”

“What are you talking about?” he asked as I walked over to Alex’s computer. Paul’s brow furrowed at the sight of Alex’s computer. “Wait, your computer is right over there.”

“I know,” I said and typed in Alex’s password, double clicked the icon, and watched the desk swing open. I saw Paul’s mouth drop open at the sight. Sara chuckled at Paul as I crawled into the tunnel. “C’mon,” I called. I looked behind me and saw Sara shove Paul toward the tunnel. It took him a while before he finally crouched down on his knees and squeezed into the tunnel.

“What’s going on?” he asked uneasily, knocking on the metallic walls once in a while to make sure it was real.

“Alex! We’re here!” I called through the gate. I heard Paul gasp at the sight of the lab on the other side of the gate. “You know how my brother is really smart, right?” I started, looking at Paul. He didn’t reply, completely speechless. “Well, he’s a little boy genius. This,” I waved to the lab behind me, “is Alex’s science lab.”

“Science…lab…” he repeated faintly.

“You’re throwing a lot on him, you know,” Sara pointed out.

“I know,” I said with a sigh and looked sympathetically at Paul. “You’re not mad at me, are you?”

“Mad?” Paul said, his eyes still scanning every inch of the lab he could see. “I’m shocked…and it makes me hate that little brat even more.”

I shrugged hesitantly. “Not what I was going for, but okay. Alex—oh, finally.”

“Sorry,” Alex said breathlessly as he pulled out his control pad and opened the gate. “I had to fix a glitch quick in the T1M3.”

The three of us crawled out of the tunnel and stood up. Paul was still in shock from the sight of the lab. I simply brushed myself off and Sara greeted Alex. “Hey, bud, how’s it goin’?”

“Not bad,” he replied. “Follow me to the T1M3. Did Lizzie explain what’s happening yet?”

“What do you mean?” Sara asked as we started walking. Sara knew full well to stay behind Alex as they walked. I was the sister, a complete rebel, and would walk beside him, but right now, Paul needed some company so I stuck with him in the back of our four-pack.

Alex sighed. “That’s my sister—not telling you guys the plan until the last minute.”

“Paul’s in a state of shock right now,” I argued, putting a hand on Paul’s tense arm.

“Whatever.” Alex easily explained the plan of traveling back in time, how Sara would be working the controls if we didn’t return in time, where they were traveling. I was happy Alex didn’t explain why we were leaving. Paul might not come if he knew why.

“I wish I could go,” Sara said, looking at me with envy. “That sounds really exciting.”

“I’d tape it,” I said, “but I’d probably be stoned to death for just holding a camera strap.”

“Actually,” Alex put in, “I put in a computer memory chip that will keep track of what’s happening. I should be able to put it out on tape when we come back if everything works alright. Here we are.”

We finally stopped walking and arrived at a metal arch with blinking lights on all sides of the arch. It looked like a security gate at an airport that would check for any metal belongings. There was a control pad set on a thick post where K8 stood, pressing a few buttons here and there.

“Okay, before we even think about going,” Alex said and turned to Paul who stared at the T1M3 arch. “Hey! Doofus! I’m down here!”

Paul’s brow finally furrowed and glared at Alex. I sighed in relief to see Paul show signs of life.

“Before we even think about leaving,” Alex started again, sounding a bit bitter toward Paul, “we need to dress appropriately. Stand still, Paul,” he said as he drew out a control pad about a forearm length.

“What’s that?” Paul asked, staring at it fearfully, but keeping as calm as he could.

“The DR355,” Alex said irritably. “Written on paper, it looks like the word ‘dress,’” he added with a sneer. “It won’t hurt, idiot, though I wish it did. Just hold still.”

Paul was about to speak when I put my hand on his arm. He looked at me as if for the first time. “Trust him, Paul,” I said gently.

He stared at me for a moment. I was worried he would refuse again and walk away, but he kept quiet and stood still, his jaw clenched. Alex, meanwhile, pressed a few buttons then waved the controller once in front of Paul, a light shield shining from it, combing over Paul’s body.

Paul now stood dressed in brown robes. He looked disgustedly at the dress and looked at me, but I shrugged and looked at Alex who was also now dressed in a simple robe fit for a child, a thin rope around his waist, just like Paul, though Paul wore an overcoat. Alex soon gave me a touch up and I stood with a tan headdress laying around my neck, my tan robe wrapped about me.

“Aw, don’t you make a good family picture,” Sara said teasingly.

I smiled humorously as Alex ignored her and walked over to K8. He said a few words and K8 rolled away. Alex turned to Sara and said, “Get over here so I can tell you what to do.” Sara took a seat on the metallic stood and listened to the ten-year-old speak to her as if he were an old professor.

Finally, Alex stepped back and looked at me and Paul. “K8 is going to return shortly and will be checking the T1M3 for any glitches, making sure it is working alright. Sara, as soon as we enter, we should arrive. We may look different, but we should still be here.”

“Roger that,” Sara said.

“Okay,” Alex said and looked to Paul. “You’re entering first.”

“Me?” Paul repeated with horror, staring at the T1M3 with fearful eyes.

“Yeah, ‘cause I hate you,” Alex said. He walked back over to Sara, picked up a tiny control pad, and then pressed a few buttons. The lights suddenly started flashing even quicker; the archway started sparking with light. Alex handed me the small control pad. “You can hide it better than us, plus I trust you more than Paul.”

I took it and hid it in my robes. “Alright,” Alex said. “Go on in, man, while I’m young.”

Paul was about to speak but I looked at him and he kept his mouth shut. Paul took a few hesitant steps toward the gate, saw the sparking lights, and looked back at me. I gave him an encouraging look, and Paul entered the gate with one more step. I stepped in right after him…

…and walked right into a burning hot, desert town.

“Liz!”

I turned and saw Paul hurry to my side, looking terrified. I hugged him comfortingly, and he hugged me, the new environment completely forgotten. I felt completely sorry for Paul. He was clueless as to what was happening, and I was the only comfort he had. I forced myself to look up at him, though he still held me close, he looked down at me. “Are you alright?” I asked gently.

Paul didn’t answer right away. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “I’m…”

“Overwhelmed,” I finished and he nodded. I kissed him on the cheek. “I promise you will get used to the lab.”

He didn’t want to let go of me, but hold me close until he felt ready to walk on his own. However, he didn’t get to choose that option, for Alex finally walked up to us and pushed us away from each other. “Hey, you little—”

“Watch it,” Alex hissed at Paul angrily. “We’re not home anymore. We’re in Nazareth. Hand me the control pad.” I pulled out the metal controller and handed it to him, looking around fearfully. We stood in a small alley, and all we could see were a few stores and a few people passing by, paying no mind to us. “Oh,” Alex suddenly said, looking up from his controls. “If anyone asked, you are Paul and Elizabeth of Bethlehem and I’m your son, Alexander. No nicknames,” he warned.

Paul gaped at Alex. “No wonder you keep out-smarting me! You’re a little brat-of-a-genius—”

“Would you watch your mouth?!” Alex snapped. Paul fell silent, completely shocked. Even I have never seen Alex this tense. “Okay,” he said after a few more button-pressing, “We’re in the year 6 B.C…our targets should be arriving here shortly—”

“A message from our marvelous Emperor Caesar Augustus!” a deep voice announced from outside the alley. The three of us exchanged different looks of confusion, surprise, or realization. We hurried from the alley and found a huge crowd surround a soldier holding an opened scroll in his hands. He wore the armor of the Roman Soldiers and stood on the edge of what looked like a water fountain.

The soldier continued, “It has been proclaimed that a new census is to be enforced over the whole Roman Empire! All people are required to return to their hometown to register for the census! Any and all violators will be punished!” He rolled up the scroll and strolled out of the crowd in his wagon.

“A census?” Paul repeated. “Caesar Augustus? Is that the same guy who made out with Cleopatra?”

Alex and I stared at him for a moment before I answered, “That’s Julius Caesar, his adopted father. And, before you ask, Cleopatra was not the mother. Caesar Augustus is the Emperor of the Roman Empire.”

“Anyway,” Alex said before Paul could say anything else embarrassing and looked to me. “This is the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria. You know what that means?”

“Mary and Joseph shouldn’t be too far away,” I said, remembering my Christmas Story. “We’ll witness His birth?! Oh, this is exciting!”

“Wait…” Paul said, seeming to figure something out. “You took me to…Jesus Christ, isn’t it? I’m here to witness Jesus Christ’s existence?” Neither Alex nor I said anything. “Take me back,” Paul said, making a grab for the control pad, but Alex was too quick for him. “I’m not going to hang around and be fooled by a crackpot prophet!”

“Please, Paul,” I said, walking up to him and holding his hand in both of mine. “Do it for me, at least. If I came alone with Alex…I’d be single.”

At these words, Paul straightened, took my hands, and kissed them. I was prepared for when he figured out what was happening, and it was an ingenious plan, I thought. “Alright, for you, but this better go quickly!”

“A quick thirty years, sure thing,” Alex said, rolling his eyes, and looking around.

“How will we find Mary and Joseph?” I asked, turning to Alex. “The Bible doesn’t exactly describe how they looked.”

Alex stared at me. “I think you need to review your Bible before we continue. Mary is seen pregnant before she and Joseph are even married, remember? It’s in Matthew—look it up, or better yet, just wait and see.”

“Wow, Joseph had a thing goin’, didn’ he?” Paul brought up.

Alex ignored him, handed me the control pad, and ran off in search of Mary and Joseph. I put the control pad inside my robes and looked at Paul who stared at me with a stern look. “What’s bothering you?” I asked.

“You dropped me here in the middle of history…what’s happening? Why did you bring me here? I know you’re behind this. It’s because of that argument at school, isn’t it? You’re going to try and convert me to Lutheranism!”

At first, I was impressed he came up with the word ‘Lutheranism’, but I soon felt completely guilty and sighed. “I have nothing to say,” I said quietly. I honestly didn’t know why I agreed to bring Paul back to the time of Jesus Christ. Maybe it was because I really wanted to, or maybe I did think Paul would be convinced Jesus was the true Son of God. I don’t know. I was as much confused about why I was really here as Paul was.

“Okay,” Paul said, knowing I wasn’t going to answer that specific question. “Then explain to me what’s going on. There’s more going on. Give me the history lesson you’ve been dying to share.”

I almost didn’t want to and started walking away when he took my arm and held me back. We exchanged sympathetic looks before Paul finally smiled weakly. “I never read the Bible, you know? And I never paid much attention in Ancient History class in seventh grade.”

I didn’t reply, I didn’t smile. I looked to Alex who was off in the distance, interacting with another little boy in the city. Paul lifted my chin and forced me to look at him. “I’m sorry if I sound…well…I’m sorry for being a bad sport. I’ll catch up, I promise. Just…help me, please.”

I studied him for a moment and sighed. “Alright. I’m sorry for forcing you to accompany me, but it is true that I’m a bit vulnerable in this society where women don’t have equal rights as men.”

“I guess you’re right,” he said then smiled. “So…what’s happening? What happened before now? Tell me, tell me, tell me!”

I giggled. “Alright. Let’s just keep walking before someone thinks strangely of us.” We started walking slowly after Alex as I explained what I remembered. “Both Mary and Joseph had visions at different times, but they were both about their future child, Jesus Christ. Mary was first to know and she told her friend Elizabeth, who is also the mother of John the Baptist. This is when John leapt in Elizabeth’s womb.

“Joseph soon noticed Mary was pregnant outside their marriage and ‘Joseph her husband was a righteous man, and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.’ Quote is found in Chapter 2 of Matthew. However, he also had a vision of an angel of the Lord telling him that Mary would give birth to His Son, Jesus Christ. After that vision, Joseph obeyed the Lord and took Mary in as his wife anyway.

“Now, this moment of time is when Chapter 2 of Luke begins. This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria. Mary and Joseph should be traveling through Nazareth then on their way to Bethlehem. So, at the moment, we’re trying to find them.”

“Mother! Father!” Alex called from a distance away. “I found them! I found them!”

Paul cocked an eyebrow at the sight of Alex playing the role of their child. “I can’t handle this,” he said.

I laughed. “He is ten years old. Come on.”

We rushed down the street to where Alex stood and looked to where he pointed to find a woman dressed in light cloths sitting on a donkey, her hands on her pregnant stomach. A man pulled the donkey by the ropes, leading it through the city. They all looked very somber and tired.

“That’s them, alright,” I said. “She’s the only pregnant woman I see around here.”

“Well, we’ll know if we’re right if they settle in the stable,” Alex said. “Father, why don’t you go buy a donkey for us to ride too? It’ll be a long trip to Bethlehem.”

“A donkey? Are you crazy?” Paul exclaimed. Alex and I both gave him a warning look and Paul lowered his voice. “I have no Israeli money!”

“Neither does everyone else, Father,” Alex replied bitterly. He shot a look at me. “Maybe Mother has some cloths we could sell?”

My brow furrowed as my hand clenched my robes, then I felt the metal control panel. My hand snuck inside and I felt around the buttons. I prayed to God that I would hit the right button and pushed one. I waited with my eyes closed tightly and felt smooth, clean cloths materialize in my hands. I pulled it out and looked at it—yellow cloths. They weren’t the richest colors, but they weren’t poor colors either.

Paul took them and said, “I’ll be back then.” Alex and I watched him leave then Alex looked up at me.

“He’s doing better than I thought he would,” Alex said and I sensed he admired Paul for that. I smiled.

“He’s not that difficult,” I said.

“Yeah, well…you’ll be riding the donkey, then, with me and Paul will have to walk,” Alex said. “How will he take that?”

“He’ll do it,” I said, folding my arms. “He’s stuck here anyway, isn’t he? He’s not dumb.”

“Then I’ve been terribly mistaken,” Alex muttered. I didn’t reply. We waited a while before Paul returned, pulling a colt over by us. “You did it!” Alex said, impressed.

“Of course, I did!” Paul said irritably. “I—”

“Thank you, Paul,” I said quickly. “We’ll have to leave quickly. Mary and Joseph are gone now. You wouldn’t happen to have asked for directions, would you?”

“To Bethlehem? Sure,” Paul said. “A ways to the East. He said it would take maybe a couple nights before we finally reach Bethlehem.”

“Then, shall we get going?” I said.

“Yes, we should,” Alex said bitterly. He looked at Paul. “Well? Aren’t you going to help Mother onto the donkey?”

“I thought you were talking still,” Paul said bitterly. He put his hands on my waist and lifted me upon the donkey. When I got situated he turned to Alex. “Do I have to help you up?”

“Would you, Father?” Alex asked with an innocent look.

“Of course,” Paul said, forcing a smile on his face. He was not as gentle with Alex when he picked him up and placed him in front of me on the donkey. “There’s some bread in the saddle bag if you need it.”

“At least I’m not pregnant,” I noted. “This shouldn’t be too difficult.”

Paul smirked and led the way out of Nazareth.


“Where are they?!” Sara asked, panicking. She pressed a few of the buttons. Nothing happened. Sara kicked the control pad angrily then made an exclamation of pain and held her injured toe.

“Master Alex said this may happen,” K8 said as she rolled over. She checked the gate’s lights and functions then rolled over to the control pad. She pressed the same buttons as Sara. Nothing happened.

“What do I say to their parents?” Sara said.

“Mistress Sara, please calm down,” K8 said. There was a moment of silence as K8 looked over the controls. “I estimate five minutes before the machine shuts down.”

“Five minutes?” Sara repeated. “What do we do?”

“Wait for their signal.”

----------------------------------------------------

There ya have it. Please comment! I shall work on Chapter 3, in the meantime.

This is a critique of chapter 1...

Overall Impressions: First of all, don't get rid of the paul/liz dating section. I don't want to dive right into the main plot of your story after the first five paragraphs. However, it's still pretty slow-going and boring. While reading that portion I skipped down to check how much further the story would last. That's not a good thing. Solution: cut, cut, cut. Size it down, make it slightly more interesting. Perhaps even get rid of the first date liz had with paul unless it is absoltely essential to the story. I also agree with FireArris about the sudden jumping from p&l to time traveling. Allow the reader some insight into liz's mind. Why is she visiting her brother? At this point, young liz is a braniac with no personality. Give her thoughts, express stronger feelings, don't info-dump but leak out a little more about the plot than what we know right now.

Second of all, the portion of your story in which you introduce liz's brother and on, is terribly cliche and hard to believe. A boy genius. Woo. Original. Didn't see that one coming. And, oh my gosh, he has a secret compartment behind his desk which leads to a lab. And Robots!! Robots that can compliment their master and recognize their master's sister as she's crawling in the tunnel leading to dear jimmy's - I mean, alex's - lab. No, no, no, no, no! Why would you do that to your story? To yourelf? And, oh spare me, why is the brother is wearing a lab coat? Is this a satire? What you did was not compare alex to jimmy neutron, but make him jimmy neutron. It automatically makes your story seem like a bad disney movie. Think about it. Is a secret lab in a younger brothers room - I don't care how smart he is - really realistic? Wouldn't his parents notice the construction crew hollowing out the walls and money added to the electric bills? And he invents time machines and robots... In this lab... without anyone knowing. Also, why would he need his obviously less intelligent sister to do homework for him which - as you said earlier in the story - took him only five minutes to complete. In short, I cannot take this story seriously.

You have wonderful style. Your dialogue is mostly believable and you have no problem describing your surroundings. However, your characters and plot remind me off maybe a cartoon comic book or... a Jimmy Neutron episode. I am not being mean on purpose, and I don't want you to stop writing. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with how you write, only what you write about. I'm only telling you the truth.

Again, sorry about being so harsh.

-Kylan