Young Writers Society

Ever since the incident at Markos, nothing has been the same. The Bio have been hunted to near extiction, the world had plunged into ecnomic collapse, and the world powers are no longer strong. Markos used to be one of the worlds most powerful and largest electronics company. They made everything from computers to entire buildings made from a computer. They even went as far as to create an army of genetically modified humanoids to combat foreign companies. By force. That's where the story begins.


"Hey, hey! Wake up you fool!" Anthony yelled at Chris.

"Go away. I'm sleeping," Chris grumbled as he rolled over.

"No. We gotta get going to Markos. Remember they wanted us?" Anthony said. He got off the the bed and opened the blinds into the room so a bright light filled it. Chris rubbed his eyes while sitting up.

"That's today?" Chris asked.

"Yes it is. Now get dressed. Calley and Rhianna are waiting for us outside."

Chris rolled out of bed and quickly got dressed. He grabbed a a cup of coffee and left.

"Well it's about time you idiot," Rhianna said with disgust. "We've been waiting forever."

"Good morning to you too," Chris replied. "So what did you three sign us up for?"

"We're going to Markos to try this computer system out. It's supposed to be revolutionary!" Anthony exclaimed imitating the commercial. We stepped outside as a security drone passed us. It's hovering engines humming as it sped by.

"Why are they out today?" Rhianna asked.

"Since the battle in Chicago, security has been tightened to the extreme." Chris explained. "The Army and the Bio were at it again. And it was a big one too."
They all got into a transportation drone and told it to get them to Markos. It complied with a series of beeps and clicks and got moving.

"Where's Dan? I thought he would be with you," Calley asked.

"Oh no. He said he was going to meet us there," Anthony replied bending forward to look at Calley.
It took about fifteen minutes to reach Markos. The group stepped out onto the main platform. They saw Dan sitting on a bench playing with his glasses. Dan noticed and ran towards them but tripped and went sprawling on the cold, white metal ground. Chris laughed and Anthony helped him up.

"Ouch, ouch," Dan said. He was definatley stunned. Chris was still laughing. They talked for a little bit and together they walked into the Markos main building.
Once inside they could already taste the metallic, filtered air. It had the slight scent of burnt coffee. The inside of the building was too white for Rhianna's liking. She was squinting the entire time. Chris walked up to the main counter.

"Uh, hi. We're here to try that new system. We signed up for it a few days ago," Chris said to the receptionist.




THIS IS ALL I HAVE TIME FOR TODAY. I'LL WRITE MORE TOMMOROW!

Good beginning, but you don't really enage with the characters. You start off with Chris, then you throw random thingies in about the other characters. Concentrate on one character and work on fully developing that one.

Midnight wrote: He got off the the bed and opened the blinds into the room so a bright light filled it.

Too many "the"s.

This sounds awkward. Make your sentances floooooooww.

Midnightwolf wrote:Chris rubbed his eyes while sitting up.

"That's today?" Chris asked.

"As he sat up" sounds better.

Say "he" the second time to avoid pointless repetition.

midnight wrote:"We're going to Markos to try this computer system out. It's supposed to be revolutionary!" Anthony exclaimed, imitating the commercial.

Comma after "Anthony exclaimed".

midnight wrote:We stepped outside as a security drone passed us.

You're changing into first person from third, here.

midnight wrote:We stepped outside as a security drone passed us. It's hovering engines humming as it sped by.

Run these two sentances together so it flows better.

It's = its.

midnight wrote:They saw Dan sitting on a bench playing with his glasses. Dan noticed and ran towards them but tripped and went sprawling on the cold, white metal ground. Chris laughed and Anthony helped him up.

You could take this entire incident out, unless it's important later on. Otherwise, it's just a bit pointless.

midnight wrote:He was definatley stunned.

Dan doesn't seem stunned by his behaviour.

Definatley = definately. I think. Look it up.


Most of that's technical stuff. This looks like it could be interesting, so happy tweaking!

I'm not really going to coment until you finish, but can't you come up with origanal names. You could of at least warned me before using my name. So far so good as thge story goes.

I really don't have anything to add onto ShadowTwit, but there is one thing. When you do introduce a new character, describe them at least a little bit so we can have a picture in our mind.

Oh and, DON'T MAKE ME FAT!

Thanks for reading. I was in a rush to write this today. I thought my family was going somewhere. Is there any way to edit it without rewriting the whole piece.

To be honest...this was boring.

Why? Nothing really happened. There was no conflict to speak of. And to make it worse, you have a huge infodump for a first paragraph. That seriously needs to go. Lose the first paragraph and draw out the conflict more, and maybe I'll be able to give it better critique.

MM

Hello, Midnightwolf! Nice story. I looooove reading science fiction.

The beginning seemed good, a little short maybe, so I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

Some things I found:

Markos used to be one of the world's most powerful and largest electronics company.

Need a comma to make "world's" possessive.

I think it might flow better if you switched "most powerful" and "largest".

He got off the the bed and opened the blinds into the room so a bright light filled it.

Meh... this sounds a little too matter-of-fact. Try a different conjuction.

"Yes, it is. Now get dressed. Calley and Rhianna are waiting for us outside."

Comma needed after yes.

"Ouch, ouch," Dan said. He was definatley stunned...

Shadow twit also touched on this, but the correct spelling is "definitely".


Besides those few things, it was very nice, although not much happened. I would like to see some conflict develope as you add more.

Love,

Haley

'Thanks for reading. I was in a rush to write this today.'
even in a hurry you shouldn't be writing such junk, you better try to give some tought to whatevere you are writing and atleast you should of made it a bit interesting, even a 3 year old wouldn't be interested in that sleepy "storry"

Well thanks Tiger for that helpful response. That will really help me get better at writing.

TIGER555 wrote:'Thanks for reading. I was in a rush to write this today.'
even in a hurry you shouldn't be writing such junk, you better try to give some tought to whatevere you are writing and atleast you should of made it a bit interesting, even a 3 year old wouldn't be interested in that sleepy "storry"

Methinks you shouldn't be criticizing people when you seem to have trouble typing, yourself. There was nothing constructive about that statement, so please--make it constructive, or apologize. Perhaps a bit of both, yes?