Young Writers Society

Published!

Sabradan was suddenly a Christ for the Muslims. An atoning sacrifice. What did that make him? The man who had nailed this political Jesus to a cross? Inwardly, Ali shrugged.

This was my favorite part. Written beautifully.


I like Ali. He seems very self-assured with a flair for the dramatics. Someone who sees something as either black or white, with very little room for grey.

It seemed very easy for him to attack Sabradan. For such a powerful man in those particular surroundings, he didn't have any sort of guard or protection?

Sabradan's dialog being in italics makes it really annoying to read, I have to say. I can guess that you did it like that because, in real life, he would be speaking another language so you put it in italics. But really, the italics just hurt my eyes...

I call on you comma Afghanistan.

The children of your sons and young men will praise their names comma as they praise Allahcomma if they fight today for a better future for the countries of the middle east!

Latching his gun case, Ali Kemal stood and headed for the rooftop door, listening to the cries of the people gathered in the parliament square,

“No hope, no hope.”

Don't have this break between paragraph and dialog.

How could one man be the cause of such emotion. The tears. The sobs.

The first sentence should be a question. I'm horribly bothered by the fragments, but I have no idea what to do with them... I thought I'd say so XD

One that won't be stamped out easily.

It was shameful how disrespectful this young man was.

Having both of these -ful verbs so close bothered me. I don't know how I would rewrite it, honestly, but it didn't read right, imo.

I'm just saying comma launching a war against the richest country in the world is unwise.

A man stepped forward, flanked on either side by an armed body guard, pushing through the wall of bodies Ali immediately recognized him as the Prime Minister of the UAE.

I really want to make this two sentences: "A man stepped forward, flanked on either side by an armed body guard. Pushing through the wall of bodies, Ali immediately recognized..."

I can't really give my impressions? I love Ali, like I said, although here the reason why I love him only shined through a paragraph which was very repetitive of what I already knew: he really enjoys killing.

The pacing was nice, and the dialog was nice.

One thing though that bothered me: I'm hooked, I liked it, I want to know more, but what is the conflict? In the last chapter, we had the question, 'will the men agree to the plan?' in this chapter, there really isn't any conflict. True, you don't need conflict in every chapter, but I don't feel far enough in to be allowed a conflict lacking chapter.

There should still be conflict, it's so close to the beginning of the story. There has to be some central question, or a question specific to this chapter, that shows up in each section. Without that, this chapter just feels like it is getting the guy killed, and forwarding the war. But why do I care, now? What question is being answered by this chapter? Sure, though, it forwards the plot, but since that is all it does and there isn't a conflict for me to go "will such in such happen" I don't care as much.

For example, if there was the possibility that Ali DIDN'T kill the guy, and he survived, this would suddenly become a lot more interesting. The plan didn't work. What will Ali have to do to fix this? Will the plan still work? You see what I mean.

You don't necessarily have to change anything in the chapter unless you can easily find a way to fix this, but keep it in mind with the rest of the chapters. Your writing is still very good, and the story is still really interesting. But I'd like if it had more conflict.

I think it had enough conflict, but that's just my personal preference.

Good, this, and Clau did the nitpick already.

Brought to you on behalf of the CCF

Kylan wrote:
The high riser, Kemal had posted himself on, was to the far left of the parliament square. Out of the way, out of sight[s],[/s] and out of mind. An ideal sniping location. From the gritty, feces stained ledge Kemal had a clear shot to Sabradan's podium. The podium behind which he would make his final speech. He smiled as he watched the self-made politician rise from his seat and make his way toward the microphone. The gathering crowd roared. They screamed. They chanted his name.

Sabradan was a god.

A god in a pinstripe suit and horn-rimmed glasses.

I think these two should be in one paragraph. Or combined with the paragraph above it.

Speak to us, the people cried. Enlighten us. Throw some mud at the IU again. The underdog now had a powerful inspiration. And suddenly they weren't feeling so small anymore. Ali knew if this man asked these people to go to war with him, they would drop their children, their jobs, their bill payments and rush for a gun. Yes, they would all be slaughtered. Each person in the crowd knew that. But they didn't care. Sabradan could command them by simply turning on charm. Kemal was fascinated.

This was confusing. is the crowd still speaking after the italicized part. You need to remain consistent in order to not confuse the reader. it might be better to use quotations instead of italics.

Mustafa Sabradan held up his hands. Calm down now, children, “I stand here, this afternoon, a humble servant of the free public, of God, of the world. I stand here before you, your servant!”

This reads like speech but I don't know if it's meant to be or not. If it's not it does not follow the tone of your narration and will confuse the reader.

The mob filled the meetinghouse. There was no room to walk[s], to[/s] or sit, let alone breath. The people merely stood and shouted in outrage. Argued, swore, prayed, threatened. Sabradan was dead! Blood needed to be spilled. Preferably the IU's. It was no secret that the middle eastern superpower had assassinated their leader. It did not take a genius to work out whose gun had blown a hole the size of a golf ball in Sabradan's head. Obviously, they had been feeling threatened. Mustafa commanded too much power. He was unsafe. Potentially dangerous. And the big dogs wanted to play alone by any means necessary.

The man shook his head, “But this isn't his funeral. This isn't a eulogy. I'm not going to waste my time speaking well about the dead. You know, I know, we know something has to be done. Mustafa Sabradan will not go unavenged. By killing our leader, the IU has started a war. A war which won't be ended overnight. They started a fire. One that won't be stamped out easily. What did Sabradan teach us? That we are indomitable. There is no force on earth that can make us submit unwillingly with mere bombs and guns. Our pride will live on.”

Finally, a man in the audience raised his hand, “You want us to bomb the Central Oil Processing plant? But half of the world's oil supply is refined there.”

Characters

They all seem to be well defined and planned. Non of them have a flat feeling when reading. Each has a certain manner of speech that makes them unique and easy to distinguish. Even the crowd follows the manner of a crowd as we know it.

Dialogue gets a bit confusing due to the format. Some times it italics, sometimes not. And then when you place italics and I'm not sure why it really gets confusing. If it is a thought it helps to tell us so.

Plot

It is very strong. Everything flows along at a steady pace keeping the reader going. There are no side trails(Sub-plots) which is good for this piece.

Descriptions are strong but not over powering. The image of Sabradan being shot was powerful but not over gruesome making it easy to read and see.

Well Done