Young Writers Society

It’s got to be quick!

We were at the academy. Looking around we saw busses. Probably our ride.
As we walked up to one of them, I heard a familiar voice behind me.
‘Yo, wait up!’
It was Leroy.
‘I didn’t know you were above twenty.’
‘Seriously, you are blind.’
‘Who is this?’ I heard my brother whisper in my ear.
‘Oh, sorry, Leroy, this is my brother Nathan. Nathan, Leroy.’
‘Nice to meet you’
‘So in which bus are we riding?’
‘You can choose anyone.’
‘Oh, then let’s get in this one.’
Leroy pointed at a bus that had a Coca Cola advertisement on it.
‘There are so many men going, the military didn’t have enough busses.’

We went towards the bus and packed our luggage in the luggage compartment on the sides of the bus.
I just brought my toothbrush and hair shampoo with toothpaste.
Nathan had the same and brought just brought a picture of our entire family. Mom, a bit younger there, dad, before the war, Mellissa, when she was nine, Nathan, eleven and a big misfit at that time and me, sixteen still pale, when my headaches were the worst.
Leroy looked as if he brought his entire house in a bag.
‘I don’t want to lose these things. It is the only things I’ve got.’
‘You’re anyways gonna loose it all.’
‘Well at least I know that I’ve enjoyed my life.’
We went into the bus.
There were a lot of people, but luckily there were three seats open.
I sat at the window, Nathan in the middle and Leroy in the side.
They were in a conversation about cars that I didn’t understand a thing about, so I just looked outside the window. I saw a man in a formal military suit walking towards our bus.
He climbed in the bus and sat in a chair that was open. It must have been reserved for him.

All the seats were full. I looked outside and saw that we were moving, in another direction.
I never knew there was a road behind the Academy.

It was a dessert. No life behind the military academy. There wasn’t a living thing. All the life that used to be their, is taken away…or destroyed.

From afar I could see a large tower, rising towards the heavens.
It was massive.
What was it?
Before I could guess, a guy that looks like your typical drunk, asked, or actually screamed.
‘What’s that tower doin over there?’
‘That tower is what detected the enemy that is moving towards us, soldier.’
The “general” stood facing us. He looked battle scarred. His eyes are dark of the things he witnessed on the field. The massive and deep cuts are his words, it tells us ‘I was there.’

‘I am Lieutenant Fetcher. I am the one that is going to keep an eye on you for the next two months.’
‘Two months, is this a joke?!?’ A black man with a typical American accent stood up and moved towards the lieutenant to somehow make sure he wasn’t lying.
‘Yes, for an average soldier, it takes ten months. You don’t have ten months. So we are only going to teach you the basics. The first month we are just going to work on your muscles. Build up these what you call them arms into battle harden machines.
The next month we will teach you how to hold a gun. Learn how not to shoot your foot and of course, how our battle strategies work and to counter your enemies strategies.’

‘That didn’t sound hard. I did work out at the gym a little.’

‘Believe me when I say this: these two months will be the hardest months you will ever face in your life. And by the time you walk out of here,’ he looked at the black man ‘you will call me sir.’

The bus stopped. I suddenly realized that we are in the boot camp.
‘Come on you lazy bunch of shit, move, move, move!’
I stood up like the rest and moved out of the bus.
‘Form an orderly line in front of me.’
We did what we were told. A lot of adrenalin started pumping in my veins.
It was exciting.
‘Let me introduce you to your captain, who will train you into A battle machine. He is the best in the world so what ever he says, you do, if you want to survive. This is Captain Grif. You will address him as Captain. If you have any questions, you come to him. Now today will be the only peaceful day you will ever have in this camp so use it wisely. Get your stuff. Your place is the 2nd bunker to your left. Tomorrow we start.’

When I entered the room the lieutenant pointed at, it was almost full. I moved towards the next three open beds for me, my brother and Leroy.
‘I found us three beds.’ I said to them.
‘Cool.’ Nathan dropped to the bed in the middle. Leroy climbed the small ladder on top of Nathans bed.
I slept next to my brother.
‘What do you think we are going to do?’
‘I don’t know. All I know is that it is gonna be hard.’
‘I’m going to call my mom, to tell her I’m here.’ Leroy climbed down from his bed. I thought that I might as well do the same since I had nothing to do.
‘Leroy.’
‘Yeah’
‘I’m coming with you.’
‘Okay’

We walked through the rows of beds until we finally came to phone booths holograms.(It allows you to see who you are talking to. Only used in the military.)

I dialed my mothers number and waited…

‘Hallo?’
‘Hi mom.’
‘Hi Adam. Not actually a good time to talk. We’re evacuating to Washington.’
‘Why?’
‘They say California is a prime target for some reason, so they’re trying to evacuate as much as they can.’
‘ That’s good.’
‘So are you there?’
‘Yeah, kind of feel’s weird, but it’s all right.’
There was a sudden pause. Leroy was talking with his mom.
Actually, it sounded like he was screaming at her.
‘Just don’t die.’
My mom changed her voice in a scared, confusing voice.
She was crying.

I suddenly felt guilty. I should be there with them. It’s too late.
I hanged up.
I tried to keep myself together. It was just impossible.
To make things more complicated, a man with a long beard, just happened to bring his guitar with him.
He started to play a sad song that kind of makes you wanted to cry.
Men started to sniff and others wanted to cry. cry.
‘A sad song!’
I looked at him.
He was frozen, as if he was turned into stone.
‘I didn’t mean to-‘
‘We are in a war, and the last thing we need is a sad song to “cheer us up.”
I couldn’t hold myself.

I began to cry.

Hmmm. You have lots of dialogue here which is okay but add some more description of setting and characters so the reader can visualise your story. Also, you need to try to define the character's personalities so the reader can relate to them. Here are a few specific suggestions -

Looking around we saw [s]busses[/s] buses.

‘So in which bus are we riding?’
‘You can choose anyone.’ [This is a bit awkward. Perhaps -
'So which bus are we getting on?'
'What's it matter? They're all the same,' I replied with a shrug of my shoulders.]

‘There are so many men going, the military didn’t have enough [s]busses[/s] buses.’

Nathan had the same and brought just brought a picture of our entire family. [This doesn't make much sense. Maybe something like 'Nathan's luggage was identical to my own except for the additional family photograph.']

Mom, a bit younger there, dad, before the war, Mellissa, when she was nine, Nathan, eleven and a big misfit at that time and me, sixteen still pale, when my headaches were the worst [This is a bit too blocky really. A briefer description of the photo would be better and include the details of Nathan and your persona's appearances earlier. You need more of them too. Like when they're talking, you could have Nathan roll his (insert colour here) eyes.]

All the life that used to be [s]their[/s] there, [s]is[/s] was taken away…or destroyed.

His eyes are dark of the things he witnessed on the field. [This could be better. Perhaps 'His eyes were darkened, filled with the events he had witnessed.' The massive and deep cuts are his words, it tells us ‘I was there.’ [Hmm. Again, this could be more powerful. Maybe, The deep scars and wounds engraved upon his flesh speak louder than words. They say 'I was there.']

Build up these what you call them arms into battle harden machines. [The general needs to be more formal I think and it should be hardened.]

‘Let me introduce you to your captain, who will train you into [s]A[/s] a battle machine. He is the best in the world so [s]what ever[/s] whatever he says, you do, if you want to survive.

Your place is the [s]2nd[/s] second bunker to your left.

Leroy climbed the small ladder on top of Nathan's bed.

We walked through the rows of beds until we finally came to phone booths' holograms.(It [A space between the full stop and the bracket.] allows you to see who you are talking to. Only used in the military.) [The description could be done better. Maybe 'We walked through the rows of beds until we reached the phone booths. They were military edition hologram phones and I watched my mother's face flicker onto the screen as I dialled her number.']

I dialed my mothers number and waited… [If you take my earlier suggestion this isn't needed and if not it should be mother's.]

‘Yeah, kind of [s]feel’s[/s] feels weird, but it’s all right.’

My mom changed her voice in a scared, confusing voice. [Perhaps 'My mon's voice sank into a scared, confused tone.']

I [s]hanged[/s] hung up.

He started to play a sad song that kind of makes you wanted to cry. [s]cry.[/s]

Overall, I think that you need to work on your description and characterisation and stuff but the basic plot is interesting and I think it could be great with a little more work.

I think that you could increase the amount of detail in your story so that we can picture the characters and settings better. Your story also moved fast, you should slow it down, give us some more time to get to know the characters, like some background information on them, or on the state of the world at this point, since it is obviously the future. In the military, generals don't ride buses with recruits, and captains are on navy ships, they don't train recruits, drill Sergent's train new recruits until they graduate from boot camp. You had an interesting story line, you just need more information in it, and less dialog, you have a great writing style, I will be looking forward to more.






____________________________________

"My wife made me join a bridge club,
I jump off next week."
---- Rodney Dangerfield

So what happened to chapter 1? This nees some explanation. Why are they being trained? Were they drafted or did they volunteer?

All those questions need to be answered. So, again, where's chapter 1?

i enjoyed this story.
there were a few errors like "busses" and stuff, and some of the sentences dont run smoothly.
try reading through it yourself, it helps.

overall, great story.

kyte:he DID post chapters 1-4, and a proleuge. its on the same page.

vince