Young Writers Society

Chapter 2

Sonata, the Zicatoan girl, sat shaking backstage, trying to ignore the Diminian boy who was staring at her. Never before had she heard such a sound as that…music…or such an idea. “Music…Consiva shall unite.” Whatever did the strange girl mean by that? Sonata’s irritation finally mounted, and she turned to the boy.

“Forrest, or whatever your name is, you’d do well to stop staring at me. It’s rather rude, you stupid Diminian,” Sonata snapped, and was pleased when the boy blanched and looked away.

“The name’s Forte, not Forrest. How would you like it if I called you the wrong name, like Sonya?” Forte narrowed his eyes at Sonata. “And by the way, Sonata, I’m far from stupid. ‘You’d do well’ to stop insulting me. ‘It’s rather rude.’” He paused. “You got that Augmenian girl taken away, you know.”

“Is it my problem if that’s true?” Sonata asked nonchalantly, raising her eyebrows. Despite her bravado, Sonata felt a twinge of guilt for the girl’s fate.
“It is your problem. You caused it,” Forte said matter-of-factly, infuriating Sonata even more. “What did you do to the poor girl?” Sonata felt anger rising in her throat, and grabbed Forte violently by the shoulders.

“I did this!” Sonata locked eyes with Forte, who suddenly grew rigid beneath her grip. She felt her mind fill with the unearthly sound again, but was vaguely surprised when she realized that the sound had quite a different quality now. It was rougher, to be certain, yet it appealed to her much more than the sounds of the Augmenian girl. Forte suddenly wrenched out of her grip, ceasing the sound and snarling like some savage mythical beast.
"I-I hate you!” Forte’s face was contorted with rage, and his voice was that of an insane man. “You disgusting Zicatoan filth! You don’t deserve to live!” He lunged for Sonata, who didn’t have time to jump out of the way. He pinned her against the wall, his hands tight around her throat. Sonata kicked and bit, thrashing wildly in every direction. Both screamed savagely at the other, Forte from rage and Sonata from pain.

“I’ll do away with you here and now, you freak!” Forte growled, and Sonata felt herself losing consciousness as she struggled to breathe. Suddenly, the door that led outside to the hallway slammed open, and Forte sprang away from Sonata. Sonata gulped welcome air in ragged breaths, and glared furiously at Forte.

Two figures stood in the doorway, Salan and the Augmenian girl. The man gazed incredulously at the scene, and then dashed into the room, tugging the girl along with him.

“What occurred in this room that caused such screaming?” Salan stepped closer to Sonata and Forte, glowering at both.

“The Diminian tried to strangle me!” Sonata gasped, massaging her agonized throat.

“She showed me this disgusting – sound – that she formed in my mind like some sort of psychic freak!” Forte snapped, clenching his fists so tightly that they grew white. Salan frowned slightly, and nodded at the two.

“Come with me. Now,” he said dangerously, and beckoned them toward him. The Augmenian girl shied away as Sonata and Forte drew closer to her, and did not speak.

“If what Forte says is true, then I must take all three of you to the leader of Consiva. You’re too deep in this mess to live free,” Salan said coldly. “If you disobey me in any way, you will be shot on sight.”

Wow, this is much better than the first piece! I needed a second proper read before I could spot any mistakes! Much improvement.

“And by the way, Sonata, I’m far from stupid. ‘You’d do well’ to stop insulting me. ‘It’s rather rude.’” He paused. “You got that Augmenian girl taken away, you know.”

A coma after "rude" and you don't have to capital the H in "he". I'm quite sure that's how punctuation in the dialogue should be. Also, "taken away" seems for something positive, like a great performance or recital. So it doesn't quite fit in in this context.

Actually, that's all for the grammar, punctuation and spelling. Other than that I do have a couple of things that aren't clear enough.

The fact that Sonata and Forte is so against each other is quite realistic when you consider that their different regions are segregated and do not put much dignity in the other regions. There is, however, in my opinion, the human factor. It would be fine if they didn't talk or become friendly. But to have them fight like that seems a wee bit unrealistic for me. Surely they can't have that much hate for a complete stranger, even if they're from a region you hate.

Another thing, I don't understand why the both of them would be left alone together when it seems that they're not expected to get along well. You also mentioned back in Chapter 1 that they had men from their own region bringing them there. Why aren't they mentioned here and guarding Sonata and Forte, perhaps? Probably you can add more to explain this before taking them in a scene alone, together.

I'm still confused about the relationship between these people from the different regions and somehow I don't feel clear. I'm not sure of the problem yet but I'll wait till Chapter 3 to see whether it's just my mind tricking me or there is something I can identify.

Really, it was HARD looking out for mistakes, but this is all I got! You were very careful here, and that's good. Careful not to care too much about your language until you forget your plot, though!

p/s: Remember to edit your first chapter. Yes, I realized you haven't .
Fye.

Thanks again for reading it! I will edit the first one. I'm glad you liked it!

This was shorter than the first bit, but I thought it was better. There wasn't as much explaining of the world. Just story.

"You'd do well to stop insulting me. It's rather rude." He paused. "You got that Augmenian girl taken away, you know."

"Is it my problem if that's true?" Sonata asked nonchalantly, raising her eyebrows. Despite her bravado, Sonata felt a twinge of guilt for the girl's fate.

I thought it was the boy who got her taken away? Did I read it wrong? And after rude, He should be he.

The rest of it was very good. I liked how Forte tried to kill Sonata. I look forward to more soon!

I liked Chapter two. It's kinda short though. It did seem a bit too soon for Forte to attack Sonata. Why does he care what she did? Melody is from a different region. Also, Salan mentioned a leader of Consiva. But Consiva is divided into six regions, against each other, so why is one leader over them all?

I liked Chapter Two a lot more than Chapter One. The story is beginning to develop. I thought it was interesting how Forte hated the sound so much. Melody didn't seem to hate music, so why does Forte? Hmmm.

Hmmm...not much room for criticism here. All mistakes have already been pointed out, so theres no need for me to restate them.

Good work Can't wait for more!