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Followers of the Light - Chapter One



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Thu Oct 25, 2007 10:36 am
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kshsj777 says...



NOTE: This may not seem like sci-fi, but it is. It's coming up the next few chapters. Minor Editing thanks to Adam_Atlantian and Chaotic Romance.


A lone raft drifted in the Gulf Sea, holding two teenage passengers. They sat there, tired and hungry, their hope almost gone. "Nanci!" the boy managed to gasp. "Land!" The girl raised her head and squinted into the distance. Sure enough, Nanci could just make out the outline of the shore.

"We made it," she gasped. "After all this time. We're finally home."

Moments later, a little boy was playing on the beach making sand castles when he saw the raft approach. "Daddy, Daddy," he cried. "Look, there's somebody out there." His father put down the magazine he was reading and peered out to where his son pointed. He couldn't see them very well, so he grabbed his binoculars to get a better look.

"Oh. Probably just a couple of kids fell asleep or whatever. It's nothing." The dad set his binoculars back down and went back to reading.

"Dad," his son interrupted him some time later, holding the binoculars. "They're closer and they still aren't awake." Reluctantly, he set aside his magazine again, and taking the binoculars he looked through them. A funny feeling started settling in his stomach. Something wasn't right. He watched the raft as it came closer and closer, till it almost reached the shore.

No, something definitely wasn't right. The dad got up from his seat and ran over to the raft as it rested upon the sand. Both teenagers were exhausted, they could hardly move. Their clothes were damp indicating they'd been wet some time ago. He gently shook the girl awake. "Are you all right?"

She opened her eyes. "Nanci...Walker."

"What?"

"I'm Nanci Walker," she repeated, and then fell back into unconsciousness.

"Nanci Walker?!" The dad couldn't believe it. This was no doubt two of the four missing teenagers that had disappeared without a trace six months ago. And now suddenly, they had been found on a raft in the sea, miles away from their hometown. He glanced around him; there was no one else except his son on the beach, so he took out his cell phone and dialed 911.

"Hang on," he told them both. "We'll get you home."

The paramedics arrived and carted the two teenagers to the nearest hospital.

When Nanci awoke, she found herself on a hospital bed, and her parents sitting in the chairs. "Mom? Dad?" Her parents immediately came to her side.

"We're here, honey. You're going to be all right," Nanci's mother assured her. Nanci attempted to lift her head.

"Where's George? Is he okay?"

"Yeah. He's in the room next door," her father replied.

"I want to see him."

"Not yet, honey," said her mother. Nanci sighed and laid her head back on the pillow.

"I'm going to tell the doctor you're awake," her dad told her, and he left the room.

"What happened, honey?"

"It's a long story, Mom." A few moments later, Nanci's father returned with the doctor, along with two policemen.

"Hi there. I'm Officer Cadd and this is Officer Pate. We have some questions we need to ask you."

"About what?"

"About your disappearance. You were gone for six months, along with three other teenagers: Tom Parson, George Fier and Laura DeVonnes. Coincidently, two adult men vanished the same day, but we've yet to determine if their disappearence is related: Mr. John Fable, who was a teacher at your school, and Professor Peter Marvin from the nearby university." Nanci nodded.

"But only two of you returned," Pate said. "You and George Fier. Where are the others? What happened to Tom and Laura?"

"Laura is..." Nanci paused for a moment, not wanting to say the next word. A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away, forcing herself to say the next word. "...dead."

"And Tom?"

"He's..." Nanci started sobbing, unable to finish her sentence. "He was my best friend!" George came into the room just then, hobbling on crutches, with his father following behind them.

"What do you think you're doing?" the doctor protested. George didn't answer, but made his way to Nanci's bed. She pulled back her legs and allowed him to sit down at the end.

"So both Laura and Tom are dead?" Officer Cadd asked to clarify.

"We'll never see either one of them again," was Nanci's answer.

"She can't bring herself to say that Tom is dead," George explained. "It's too painful for her."

"Look, why don't you tell us what happened, starting at the beginning when you disappeared," the officer suggested.

"Wait!" Mr. Fier interrupted. "Should we wait for Tom's and Laura's parents to arrive?"

"We tried to contact Laura's parents, but we were unable to," said Officer Pate. "Apparently, they've left the country on vacation per doctor's orders. As for Tom's parents they've apparently moved away and we're still in the process of locating them. Why don't we begin?"

"I was kidnapped," Nanci began.
Last edited by kshsj777 on Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:30 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 12:45 pm
Alteran says...



kshsj777 wrote: "Nanci Walker?!" he exclaimed. The dad couldn't believe it. This was no doubt two of the four missing teenagers that had disappeared without a trace six months ago. And now suddenly, they had been found on a raft in the sea, miles away from their hometown. He glanced around him; there was no one else except his son on the beach, so he took out his cell phone and dialed 911.


Not a bad start, a little cliched, but this is still just a beginning so I dont know where you're headed yet. It read a little choppy, I think mostly due to the dialogue tags. You dont need so many, let the dialogue express your meaning for you.

A major issue was the cut from the teens to the father and son on the beach. It was very aburt and there was no real sign as to when it happened. You just sort of stuck it in there.

Your structure was good, it helped to keep the story moving, you just need to hammer out the flow so it carries on more smoothly. I lik it, you gave us just a tiny lick of information to draw in the reader. You might want to think about character descriptions, as it is everyone looks like a blob to me.

Nice intro, just needs a litte hammering out, keep going. :)
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective
  





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Thu Oct 25, 2007 7:04 pm
Chaotic Romance says...



I really liked this... this had just enough mystery to it that I hung on to every word...

I agree with Adam though, the flow from the two on the raft to the dad and son on the beach was kind of abrupt. Just a little rewording and rereading will fix that...

Other than that, some of the dialogue at the end, seemed unrealistic... I don't understand why Tom's parents were unable to come, I mean, wouldn't they drop everything if they knew that two of his friends had come back and they could explain what happened to him? Maybe you could give more insight as to why they couldn't come.

Overall, this was a good start, I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters!
  








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