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Mon Nov 05, 2007 11:47 pm
Angel of Death says...



The Evolution
By Summer

Prologue:
Vortex



The sky is dark, but the moon lights the way for me. Howling filled my head as it spun out of control. The air is cold and my head is hurting. I see shadows surrounding me but I don't know what it could be.
" Shoot her!" someone shouts loudly
Shoot me? I asked myself trying to figure out what I have done
I felt like an animal being hunted by a much powerful prey. I would scream but I don't know if I can find the words to say. Not knowing what else to do my only other instinct was to run. Bullets flew through the air and I watched them as they went past my eyes. I could feel the wind in my hair and the fear in my heart as I ran. Even though the night air was cold, sweat trickled down my face.
I was getting tired but if I stopped there was a chance I might be shot. Suddenly everything went black, a sigh of relief passed through my lips.
" How did I do?" I asked standing up
" Terrible." Professor Gordan replied
" What!" I exclaimed angrily
" You could have fought back." Professor Gordan said jotting something down on a piece of paper
" I didn't want to hurt anyone." I said defensively
Professor Gordan looked up tiredly and shook his head. I wanted to cry because I had failed him once again.
" Do you think they're going to have mercy on you? Look I know you've lived on Earth for a long time and you think you're one of them but......" Professor Gordan started angrily
" We were one of them! " I snapped angrily
" Vortex, we are illegal and we shouldn't exist. If you are caught then you will be killed. Do you want that?" Professor Gordan asked sadly
" I want to be free." I replied sadly, walking out of the room
All my life I had to hide who I was, fearing that a scientist would want to make me his experiment. Everyday I lived my life fearing that when I arrived home the government would be there to take me away. I lye awoke in bed every night thinking that my next morning would be my last. Everyday my mother and father would say " You're unique" or " You're a gift from god to us and don't you forget that" I'd smile when they'd so those things but I knew I would like to forget who I was. They didn't know how it felt to live fearing that when you walked out the door you'd be shot down like an animal. They didn't know how hard it was to hide the fact that you were different from your friends. I knew my parents loved me but they didn't know me. That's why I had to leave. Besides if I stayed on Earth the government would have found out who my parents were and tortured them until they finally broke.
" I want to be free." I said aloud as I sat on my bed
Realizing how stupid that must have sounded to Professor Gordan I put my head in my hands.
" I left Earth to be free." I said slowly
Which was true. I left everything I knew behind, my friends, my family, and my home. I made this decision not even caring what would happen to me when I left home. It was a very foolish idea but it was something I had to do. If I didn't leave Earth.......I don't know what would have happened and I can't even imagine it. But I do know the people I knew are probably still wondering where I disappeared after all these years. Hopefully my parents took the hint and told everyone I moved to Alaska or something. Whatever they did I hope they're angry with me and I hope they forget about me. I know that's a cruel thing to hope but that's what would be best for them. They have their own problems to worry about. Soon I'll forget them too.
When I came to Mars I had no one and that's how it has to be. I am no
longer Alexis Jones, I am no longer a hidden illegal, I am no longer weak, and I am no longer human. I live on a planet where Evolution is the key to survival.
I live on a planet where the Government of Mars [ G.O.M] believes that there should only be one race. That race is us. Their plan involves mutation and me. My job is to contaminate the water supply on Earth and evacuate as many captured mutants as possible. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it's the only thing I know to do. I am no longer human so I think rationally. If they can't like us, then they have to join us. If I were Alexis Jones I'd ask before I acted, but I'm not Alexis Jones. I'm a mutant spy and they call me Vortex.


Chapter 1
On Enemy Lines


I could hear my heart beating as I broke from my nightmare. I look up at my clock and see that it's only 5:00 p.m.. I've only been sleep for twenty minutes but it feels like six hours. Every time I have a dream I feel like it really happened. This time I really do believe this dream was real.

I was walking to school, normal day, when everything around me burst into flames. Screaming filled the air like the wind never-ending, always there. I saw the peoples' faces but I couldn't save them. Somehow I was in the air, flying, I passed by some clouds and almost touched the sun. When I made my way back to New York nothing or no one was there. All the buildings were burned down and the fires hadn't yet extinguished. Then, out of no where, I heard screaming. I wanted to ignore saying to myself " This was all just a dream" but when that person screamed I screamed too and I couldn't stop it. When I reached the source of the scream, I couldn't believe what I saw.
I saw myself.....and I was burning.

I looked down at my elbows and hands to find they were covered with ash. Not knowing what to think I quickly got up and looked out the window. As soon as the sunlight hit my skin, a sharp pain formed. I walked over to my mirror to find my whole body was red but I haven't been outside all day.
" What's going on?" I asked myself slowly
" This is what's going to happen." a voice replied
" Who was that?" I asked backing up against the wall
" You." the voice replied
For some reason I had the impulse to look in the mirror and when I did I saw myself but I looked different. I looked older and I had........I had wings.
" This is strange." I said feeling my head
" No this is who you are." the voice said
" Get out of my head! Get out of my life!" I screamed angrily
Suddenly my door burst open.
" Carson what's gotten into you?" my dad asked angrily
" I had a bad dream." I replied breathing heavily
Dad just stood there looking at me like I was a psychopath. And from the looks of things I probably was.
" My god, what happened to your skin?" Dad asked walking over toward me
" I don't know." I replied
Dad looked at the Computerized Room Settings and it read: Beach
" Next time put some sunscreen on." Dad said walking out of the room
" This secret is between me and you." the voice said softly
I looked into the mirror once more and I didn't see the older Carson but I saw me, the delusional Carson.
Deciding I was going to try to forget about the whole incident, I slid on some slippers and pulled on a shirt I had on yesterday. As I transported downstairs I smelled burnt toast and some other unfamiliar smell.
" Hi hon." a computerized voice said
" Hey mom how's work?" I asked opening up the refrigerator
" Oh great I'll be home in an hour." the voice replied
" Betty's doing a great job of cooking breakfast." I said laughing
" Breakfast? I thought I set it for Dinner......oh well. Listen hon I got to run, see you in an hour. Bye!" the voice said slowly
" Bye mom." I said gulping down some orange juice
The computer went off and Betty's face appeared. Betty has worked for us since I was born and over the year's she's lost her touch.
" Betty deactivate." I ordered
" Betty deactivating." Betty replied slowly shutting down
Just as I was about to bask in the silence a little body walked into the kitchen as happy as can be.
" Hey Carsy!" Brenna exclaimed sitting beside me
" What's up?" I asked rolling my eyes
" Dad said you could take me on a ride in the Jet." Brenna replied smiling
" Yeah right." I said smirking
" Da..!" Brenna began to shout
" Alright! Alright!" I exclaimed covering Brenna's mouth
Happy that she got what she wanted, Brenna left the room with her doll leaving me to silence.
" Don't go outside." a voice said
" What?" I asked kind of getting used to the second Carson
" It is too dangerous to go outside. You'll be riding on enemy lines." the voice explained
" I told my little sister that I'd........" I started to argue
" Son who are you talking to?" Dad asked, breaking my thoughts
" Myself." I replied scratching my head
" You don't seem alright son." Dad said sighing
" Look I'm fine." I snapped
" Don't you take that tone with me young man." Dad shouted angrily
" I'm sorry.......I just wish you'd stop saying there was something wrong with me. I am........." I started


Carson watched Lena walk off finally thankful that he had a girlfriend like her.
Last edited by Angel of Death on Tue Nov 06, 2007 6:21 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Tue Nov 06, 2007 1:15 am
Angel of Death says...



I thought Vortex was a very sad person but she knew what she had to do. I really hope she meets new people and I can't wait to read what happens next.
  





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Tue Nov 06, 2007 12:50 pm
kshsj777 says...



I got really confused when I read it. At first I thought that Alexis was narrating both the prologue and chapter 1 so I was confused when the Dad called Carson "son". Then I realized the names were different, that Alexis last name is Jones, not Carson. If you're going to switch back and forth between several characters like that, you need to write this in third person.

I tried writing one of my novels in first person, but in any of the scenes that my character wasn't in, it make things very awkward, unitl I just changed entire thing to third person.
  





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Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:18 am
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BigBadBear says...



Hey! I am going to be doing an advanced edit on this, just so you can see like grammar and spelling mistakes, and such like that.

Ok, here I go!

_______________________

The sky is dark, but the moon lights the way for me. Howling [s]filled[/s] fills my head as it [s]spun[/s] spins out of control. The air is cold and my head is hurting. I see shadows surrounding me but I don't know what it could be.

(Double space [hit enter twice] every paragraph)

" Shoot her!" someone shouts loudly.

Shoot me? I would put it in italics because it is the charactor thinking. I asked myself trying to figure out what I have done.
I [s]felt[/s] feel like an animal being hunted by a [s]much[/s] very powerful prey. I would scream, but I don't know if I can find the words to say. Not knowing what else to do, my only other instinct was to run. Bullets flew through the air and I watched them as they went past my eyes. I could feel the wind in my hair and the fear in my heart as I ran. Even though the night air was cold, sweat trickled down my face.

I was getting tired but if I stopped there was a chance I might be shot. Suddenly everything went black, a sigh of relief passed through my lips.
_______ << you should do this to make it clear that we are now reading a different section.

" How did I do?" I asked, standing up.

" Terrible." Professor Gordan replied.

" What[s]![/s]?" I exclaimed angrily. << you are not ending you sentences with periods and stuff like that. I'm not going to keep filling them in, because I am sure you can catch them.

" You could have fought back." Professor Gordan said jotting something down on a piece of paper

" I didn't want to hurt anyone." I said defensively

Professor Gordan looked up tiredly and shook his head. I wanted to cry because I had failed him once again.

" Do you think they're going to have mercy on you? Look, I know you've lived on Earth for a long time and you think you're one of them but......" only use three elipes (...) Professor Gordan started angrily

" We were one of them! " I snapped angrily

" Vortex, we are illegal and we shouldn't exist. If you are caught then you will be killed. Do you want that?" Professor Gordan asked sadly

" I want to be free." I replied sadly, walking out of the room

___________

All my life I had to hide who I was, fearing that a scientist would want to make me his experiment. Everyday I lived my life fearing that when I arrived home the government would be there to take me away. I lye awoke in bed every night thinking that my next morning would be my last. Everyday my mother and father would say " You're unique" or " You're a gift from God to us and don't you forget that" I'd smile when they'd [s]so[/s] say those things but I knew I would like to forget who I was. They didn't know how it felt to live fearing that when you walked out the door you'd be shot down like an animal. They didn't know how hard it was to hide the fact that you were different from your friends. I knew my parents loved me but they didn't know me. That's why I had to leave.

Besides if I stayed on Earth the government would have found out who my parents were and tortured them until they finally broke.

" I want to be free." I said aloud as I sat on my bed

Realizing how stupid that must have sounded to Professor Gordan I put my head in my hands.

" I left Earth to be free." I said slowly

Which was true. I left everything I knew behind, my friends, my family, and my home. I made this decision not even caring what would happen to me when I left home. It was a very foolish idea but it was something I had to do. If I didn't leave Earth....... again with the ...s I don't know what would have happened and I can't even imagine it. But I do know the people I knew are probably still wondering where I disappeared after all these years. Hopefully my parents took the hint and told everyone I moved to Alaska or something. Whatever they did I hope they're angry with me and I hope they forget about me. I know that's a cruel thing to hope but that's what would be best for them. They have their own problems to worry about. Soon I'll forget them too. I would reword this to, "I'll forget them soon, too."

When I came to Mars I had no one and that's how it [s]has[/s] had to be. I am no longer Alexis Jones, I am no longer a hidden illegal, I am no longer weak, and I am no longer human. I live on a planet where Evolution is the key to survival.

I live on a planet where the Government of Mars [ G.O.M] believes that there should only be one race. That race is us. Their plan involves mutation and me. My job is to contaminate the water supply on Earth and evacuate as many captured mutants as possible. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it's the only thing I know to do. I am no longer human so I think rationally. If they can't like us, then they have to join us. If I were Alexis Jones I'd ask before I acted, but I'm not Alexis Jones. I'm a mutant spy and they call me Vortex.

Sorry, but I need to go. I will read the rest and critique it later!

Over all so far, this is WAY good! Believe me. Everyone makes those errors that I pointed out, so don't feel bad. This can be an incredible story, and I am anxious to keep reading!

I'll come back as soon as I possibly can!

Keep writing!

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  








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