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I'm not quite sure why I never once replied to the comments on this, so I thought I'd do some catching up and reply now. I find that answering the questions people ask about my story make things so much clearer to myself. So even if the people who once commented on this might never see my replies, or be able to accept my apologies, I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my work.One, this was a very good story. I like how the story is going so far and your writing seems to have a very 'grown up' feeling around it, which is good. Your ending was also very good; it made me want to continue reading. The only thing I have to say about this is that your characters and dialogue fell a little flat. They weren't really interesting.
But that's about it. Very good story and I can't wait to read more!
it think this is a very good story. keep writing!
Yeah, this was a very good prologue to a post-apocalyptic nightmare land fraught with all nature of mutant zombie-dogs, mutant zombie-rats, and plain old mutant zombies. It was pretty neat and I really had to prod to find things to grip at. I'm probably telling you something you already know, but you shouldn't start a sentence with a conjuction... like and.
I found myself wishing for more. The grammar was pretty much impeccable, so I can't rat you out on poor usage. There were a few places where the punctuation might have been off, but I wasn't quite sure so I didn't make a big deal out of it.
It would be written, "an Uzi" not "a Uzi". This was probably my favorite line, but I don't think a suicide bomber would be running around with an Uzi. 1st of all, the Uzi is an Israeli weapon. The only suicide bombers I can think of have been Arabs, and they don't like to use Israeli weapons from what I've heard from my friend in the CIA. 2nd reason he probably wouldn't be running around with an Uzi: Suicide bombers don't tend to shoot before they blow themselves up. That said, I remember the Benazir Bhutto assassin shot her in the head before he detonated his explosive vest... the supposed character in your story isn't really an assassin, but more of a homicidal lunatic, though.It's not a big deal, but you might want to rework it.
And with regards to me failing with the weapons categorisation, that was pure Did Not Do the Research Syndrome. But in hindsight, would the average American male (and I mean average), know what suicide bombers ran around with? The main character was pretty traumatised at the time of the thought too, we should give him a break Look on the bright side, all I could find to critique was the use of an Uzi instead of something like a Kalashnikov. Good job.
No one wants to be picked up on irregularities Hm, i love it. it makes me want to keep reading, so, keep writing! love the story, exelent story line, couldn't find any mistakes that i know of. good work
It's pleasing to know that this story induces the urge to keep reading. I hope I achieve this with later additions.I loved this. Loved it loved it loved. You got me hooked after you said 'and we watched as the first bomb dropped.' I also like how it took the character a while to figure out it was a bomb, because it takes people a little time to realize this sorta thing. Keep writing!
This is very good. You capture the mind of your character very well, and believably. The wandering of his mind is how people really think. At times your description seems a tad passive, but most of the time it's spot-on. I don't understand why you have this set in New York when you clearly don't know about it because you live in Australia. It is always better to set a story in a place that you can describe.
Yes, I admit that this story will be hard to continue, because I'll have to research the surroundings of NY, but I didn't want to set it in Australia, because there is already a fantastic series about people surviving a war in Australia, by John Mardsen, and I don't want my story inching anywhere close to his. Which of course it isn't, considering the setting I chose and the means of the war, but still That's why it's set in America.I very much enjoyed it. You have a solid beginning, and it was very well-written. Sorry I'm so unhelpful. I found nothing worth pointing out, other than that it was very good.
I hope I can maintain the solidness of the beginning. I wouldn't like to start the story off really well and then slowly deteriorate its quality.I have to tell you just out of moral scrupples that I have not read this all the way... But what I did read I thought was very very good. I do like the grown up feeling you get from this story and even though it hurts to hear how happy this guy was it is very important to the story. I like the descrpitiveness of the part just before the bombs dropped, when he is talking about the planes and the formation. Also I really liked the part where his son talked and then wiped his snot on the grass beacuse little kids really do it..my littles brothers do it all the time and its disgusting but it was a good element of the story. Nicely done. I'm kind of curious to find out what this guy looks like. I don't know if you descibed him at all in the parts I havn't ogtten to yet but I'm just having a hard time picturing him. I'm anxious to read the rest and then I'm sure I will want to read more so definatly keep writing!
I really enjoyed this. It was very descriptive, and the foreshadowing was amazing. You managed to tell me exactly what would happen, then how it happened and the story was vivid enough that I felt like I should scream to the people to run for cover! I like the way you caught the main characters emotions, the way he thought only of himself and his child; the way he was so afraid that everything else was drowned out; sound, thought, morality, logic. I have to say, you should keep adding onto this. It's just too good to stop here.
I tend to fail at foreshadowing (as Reprisal has painfully shown), but thanks for the vote of confidence in this case I like the idea of "drowning out" emotions, so I'll probably end up stealing that and putting it in there somewhere Wow! So, reading this I realized you do what I don't do enough! =D That was very good. I've never been able to successfully write foreshadowing, but you do it as if it is first nature to you. Also, I really liked the fact that you painted an image in the reader's mind. (That is also something I don't do very well.)
I find it extremely funny that most people have enjoyed the foreshadowing here, as I didn't expect it to bring such a positive response I like the idea of painting a picture in your mind with my words, and I'm really glad that I managed to do that for you. If I can get that good at writing that everyone has a picture painted when they read it, I'll be over the moon.The one thing I would like ask you though is this. Is it really necessary to have the language in the story? I mean sure, in this day in age everyone cusses and it is probably heard throughout school. But does it really add anything to your story? (Maybe I'm just being naive...)
Other than that, it was a wonderful story. It was very interesting and very descriptive. Keep on writing, I look forward to reading more!
There are some places that I thought the descriptions were lacking, so I'll try and keep on par with everything else I write for this Couple of things to add: I'm pretty sure it's aeroplanes, not airplanes or air planes, but maybe thats a UK thing.
You wrote "showing of" when i think you meant "showing off". Apart from that, I agree with the other comments. Just a make sure you don't make your sentences too long and make sure the meaning is always clear.
P.S you say "the panic was indescribable," Then go on to describe it. I found this slightly ironic.
Awesome! I really don't need to edit this because others have already said it for me. This is really good. But I have a few questions to ask:
1. But how can it be the end of the world if it only happened in New York City?
But yes, you're right, this event happened all over America. Reading further will reveal who/what country/countries did it and their/his/her motives.2. Does it resemble the movie 'I Am Legend', because it kind of reminds me of that.
3. How many more chapters do you plan to have in here?
4. Is it more like 'Independence Day' rather than 'I Am Legend' because it reminds me a bit of both
Someone reading these comments might assume that I've just watched too much Will Smith and decided to mesh the stories together But no, I chose Independence Day for the day of destruction, as it's a celebration Americans attend, so a bomb strike would be sure to get a large amount of a town populace who had all gathered into one place. There is also no alien invasion involved in Alone, so yeah 5. When are you gonna post more?!?!?! Because I am on the edge of my seat and I am dieing to hear more of the story!
While I was reading this, I could see everything in my head; you described it so well. However, I gotta agree with eaglefire91 and ask if the f-word is really necessary. Other than that, keep writing, I want to see the rest of this.
I enjoyed reading this a lot. I'd say that my only problem with it was the beginning. The main character was standing in a park under a withered tree and then there was this dog, affected by the devastation of the fallout. I think that you could have picked a better first image to start the story with. Something like, the main charcter walking about his destroyed home, reminiscing on the past and all the destroyed memories. But, despite what I've said, it was still a good beginning---just not the most creative, that's all.
Otherwise, I really liked this story and was left wondering what happened after the bomb dropped.
I chose to begin the story as I did because it was simple. You're meant to pick up the main character's bitterness, become familiar with the setting of a post-apocalyptic event and learn a little about how the character thinks. I didn't want to reveal the loss of his family so keenly, which is what would have happened if I introduced him crying over his daughter's Barbie dolls, or reminiscing in an Italian restaurant where he and his wife enjoyed eating. There's plenty enough of that later on 
RachaelElg wrote:Two things, for the record. One, you have the best bribes ever! I mean, honestly. Seriously. It's almost ridiculous how good your bribes are. Just when I said, "You know, I'm done with reviewing today," I saw those adorable faces. Couldn't resist, needless to say. Just couldn't resist.
Thanks Rach. Sorry for the uber late reply. Been busy with uni and procrastination (the two go hand in hand).The second thing, for the record. My shoddy job of skimming the other comments led me to the one about the airplanes. And in fact, it is airplanes over here in the States.
You have a few spelling errors running amok, and if you really wanna talk precision attention to details, the American spelling of 'grey' is 'gray,' but I don't really care about spelling and grammar mistakes because they're just typos.
While I had no trouble believing this guy was American, I didn't realize he was a guy until the flashback section. On the other hand, when the flashback section came around, I had no trouble believing the dude was a dude, either, so, eh. Who knows what I mean.
One thing I did find somewhat odd was the acknowledgment of the voices in his head. That, perhaps, was what made me think he was a female during the first part. It didn't seem... authentic, those voices. He was far too comfortable with them, yet clearly not fully insane; he was too aware. So, you might want to make it more subtle, maybe just put the thoughts there in italics, with perhaps a 'a voice said' attribution, or none at all, and leave it at that for a while. That is, if the voices aren't just something he invented to entertain himself with.
My only concern is that New York and apocalypse movies seem to be going hand-in-hand.
I also say that you should most definitely continue. I'm interested to see where this goes, and how you handle the apocalypse. I might not be the best person to ask about it, because I do have a bit of an obsession with apocalypses (if I had a dime for every time I had an apocalypse dream...) but your character's compelling, and this seems more about his own psychological apocalypse than the bombing of America to smithereens, so...
If you have any questions about YWS or need any help with anything, don't hesitate to ask.
I sprawled onto the park grass, unintentionally squashing Molly under my stocky frame. Intense pain blossomed from my shoulder to my lower back, my head and upper legs, and I tried vainly to prevent crushing my daughter as person after person stampeded over us to get away from the bombs that would continue falling.
I was standing in what remained of a park near the New York University. A stray dog - they were all strays these days - sniffed at a charred garbage can a few meters away from me. I was at half a mind to whistle at it, desperate for some company other than my own, and the resident voices in my head.
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