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Sae (Chapter 1, Scene 1)



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Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:25 am
deleted1 says...



Author's Note: Came up with this whole concept over a month ago and its time to start production, so I give you my first draft piece in hopes that I'll spark enough of an interest to continue on posting it here on YWS or have it reserved or request able like so much of my previous work.

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Chapter 1

For thousands of years, mankind has looked to the heavens and asked the question, “Are we alone in the universe?” and for thousands of years the answer to the question has been living with us.

Yian bato ryori!” The radio cracked weakly.

Vei! Yian bato ryori!” Again the radio cracked weaker then before.

SAE BATO RYORI! SAE BATO RY-” The radio fell silent as a small explosion in the distance rocked the log cabin and awaking one of the sleeping occupants.

Throwing off the covers and climbing out of bed a young boy rubbed the sleep from his eyes, turning to the window to gaze out at the flames in the distance. Startled he turned to the radio that crackled and hissed through interference, the tape still recording within the dusty GPX Recorder and Player. His fingers danced over the keys in the dark until it lay on the old rewind button. The tape rewound weakly through the silence until the end of a song replayed.

The voice of Queen's lead singer singing the second to last line of Bohemian Rhapsody came through “Nothing really matters to me... Any way the--” The radio crackled and the song died away as interference gave way to silence.

“Yian bato ryori!

The boy listened to the distressed words as the message replayed and watched as the tape replayed the silence until it shut off on its own. Only a minute had past from the explosion that jarred him from his sleep, the terrified voice recorded on the tape was in trouble. Grabbing for his coat in the darkened room the boy thrust it over his shoulders and stared at the dancing lights in the cold forest of New Hampshire's bitter winter.

Passing the closed door to his parents room and making his way into the large living and kitchen room, the boy grabbed a flashlight from off the counter and tucked it away in the sweatpants he wore. Opening the sliding glass door and exposing himself to the bitter winter air made him shiver. The wind passed through his pants, chilling him to the bone. Curiosity and distress overwhelmed him as if drawn to the fire, he moved through the woods in his slippers, the cold snow melting and freezing his feet.

A long and chilling half mile walk uphill in the darkness through the freezing cold took its toll upon the boy as he guided himself through the unfamiliar territory by flashlight and guts alone. As he approached the site of the fires, a small craft lay before him that was scattered into shambles. Steel shell and machinery spilled forth on the snow. He called out, “Hello? Are you hurt?”

In the darkness a rustle surprised him as something darted around him, but as it dived into the underbrush a cry of pain came out, “Ahjiee!

The boy moved closer, “Can you speak english? Are you hurt?”

Shining his flashlight into the underbrush a twisted figure with large green eyes peered back into him. Dropping his flashlight to the ground it flickered under the impact and shone on the white snow. A small creature that was no animal of earthly origin, a smooth fragile pale skin slick with black blood pouring from gashes across its tiny body. The creatures eyes stared at a small steel fragment and extended a three fingered small hand to reach for it, but the presence of the boy made it shake in fear.

Slowly the boy inched closer and the creature growled, “Nigat! Ven ma basu! Nigat!

The boy moved closer and the creature shot from the underbrush towards the steel fragments of its craft, snatching up two pieces of steel armor and covering itself with them, still growling angrily at the boy as it reached for a rod.

Backing up slowly the boy repeated, “I'm Alex. I don't want to fight. Are you okay?”

Nigat! Nigat!” cried the creature as it raised the rod into the air threateningly.

Backing away slowly the boy tripped over a piece of shrapnel and fell onto the snow, a crack of electricity and of the breaking electronics sent the creature into a fury as it lunged forth at him with the rod high in the air.

Covering his face with his hands Alex shouted, “Stop!”

The rod fell to the ground with a soft clang as the creature stared at him with those green eyes, slowly Alex put down his hands and stared at the creature. It was terribly injured and struggled to move, the creature lacked a nose or ears, but had a mouth filled with razor teeth that inhaled and exhaled soft breathes slowly. It was struggling to breathe in the atmosphere and growing weaker by the moment, death would soon come.

The creature closed its eyes and fell onto Alex, it was humanoid in many aspects, but was only three feet tall in stature when standing. As it fell onto him Alex wrapped his arms around the creature and cried, “Don't die! Don't die!”

A sharp pain shot through his body as the creature bit into his exposed neck, but it was soon overwhelmed by an intense pleasure and completely numbed within a moment. The creature feasted off his blood and subdued him, parasitic in nature it was drew blood from him and warmed itself with his blood and body. A minute passed before the razor sharp teeth pulled itself from Alex's neck and the circular wound bled no more. Shocked beyond words Alex stared at the creature as it looked at him and spoke, “Alex. Sae thank you.”

“Sae?” Alex repeated.

“Home. Please home.” mouthed the creature, in a weak voice.

Picking himself up off the ground, Alex grabbed the flashlight and smiled to the little creature, “Follow me.”

Following closely, the creature walked behind him over the snow and down the hills towards the unlit log cabin. The alien shuffled along on its two feet weakly and made the journey take a half hour to walk down the hill. Using simple words, it asked for rest several times during the short journey, but as the cabin came into sight a renewed vigor eagerly lead it up the stairs and into the house.

Moving swiftly through the house, Alex and the creature retreated to the safety of his room and turned on the light switch. Bathed in the yellow light of a single 60 watt light bulb, Alex looked at the creature and saw how deep the injuries were. Gashes still bled from its exposed arms and legs, but the steel armor it wore covered the worse of the injuries.

“Stay here, I'll go get the first aid kit.” whispered Alex.

Sneaking into the bathroom, Alex plucked the first aid kit from under the sink and returned to the room, sporting a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and gauze in his hands. It grabbed the steel shell and removed its armor, unable to meet his caring gaze as it exposed itself to him. Slowly Alex wrapped some gauze into a ball and soaked it in the hydrogen peroxide. As he dabbed the creature's wounds, it whimpered and stifled its cries of pain. Battered and scratched by shrapnel the creature was in bad shape, but Alex wrapped and bandaged the wounds slowly. For being only fourteen, he had surprising skill in first aid and delicate hands to ease its pain. As he bandaged the creature's wounds, it talked weakly with him, “Why help, Sae?”

“You are injured.”

“Sae not human.”

Alex went silent at that statement as he wrapped her bare head in gauze and after finishing said, “It means nothing, you are not dying on my watch.”

The creature gave a soft nod and asked, “Protector?”

Alex nodded softly and smiled, “I guess, but you sound like a little sister, so I guess that's just the big brother in me.”

The creature's voice changed to a much soft and joyful tone, “Sae is a little sister. Alex is a big brother.”
  





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Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:34 pm
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JabberHut says...



Hey, Errant! Ooh, no one posted? Fun times. I get first dibs. :twisted:

The radio fell silent as a small explosion in the distance rocked the log cabin and [s]awaking[/s] woke one of the sleeping occupants.


You switched tenses. :D

Throwing off the covers and climbing out of bed, a young boy rubbed...


Startled, he turned to the radio...


...Bohemian Rhapsody came through.


Only a minute had past from the explosion that jarred him from his sleep, the terrified voice recorded on the tape was in trouble.


I'd replace that comma with a dash (--) or a semi.

Grabbing for his coat in the darkened room, the boy thrust it


Opening the sliding glass door and exposing himself to the bitter winter air made him shiver.


I'd rewrite this. It's fine by itself. In fact, you can ignore my comment, but I'd make it a bit more readable. He opened the sliding glass door an exposed himself to the bitter winter air, causing him to shiver. This is puny, but you get the idea.

Curiosity and distress overwhelmed him as if drawn to the fire, he moved through the woods in his slippers, the cold snow melting and freezing his feet.


Replace that one comma with a period. ^_^

...but as it dived into the underbrush, a cry of pain came out, “Ahjiee!”


The boy moved closer, “Can you speak english? Are you hurt?”


I would probably put a period instead of a comma, but it's up to you.

Shining his flashlight into the underbrush, a twisted figure with large green eyes peered back into him.


Dropping his flashlight to the ground, it flickered under the impact and shone on the white snow. A small creature that was no animal of earthly origin, a smooth fragile pale skin slick with black blood pouring from gashes across its tiny body.


I'd replace that period there, again, with a semi or colon.

Backing up slowly, the boy repeated, “I'm Alex.


The rod fell to the ground with a soft clang as the creature stared at him with those green eyes, slowly Alex put down his hands and stared at the creature.


Replace comma with period. ^_^

It was terribly injured and struggled to move, the creature lacked a nose or ears


I suggest a semi or a dash (--) to replace the comma.

The creature closed its eyes and fell onto Alex, it was humanoid...


Replace comma with period. ^_^

As it fell onto him, Alex wrapped his arms around the creature and cried, “Don't die! Don't die!”


The creature feasted off his blood and subdued him, parasitic in nature it [s]was[/s] drew blood from him and warmed itself with his blood and body.


Shocked beyond words, Alex stared at the creature as it looked at him and spoke, “Alex. Sae thank you.”


“Home. Please home.” mouthed the creature, in a weak voice.


It might be a typo, but watch your tag. That period at the end of the quote should be a comma.

...came into sight, a renewed vigor eagerly lead it up the stairs and into the house.


“Stay here, I'll go get the first aid kit.” whispered Alex.


Again, watch your tags. :D Comma after 'kit' rather. ^_^

Battered and scratched by shrapnel, the creature was in bad shape, but Alex wrapped and bandaged the wounds slowly.


Alex went silent at that statement as he wrapped her bare head in gauze and after finishing said, “It means nothing, you are not dying on my watch.”


Maybe Alex 'fell' silent? =/

I really liked this. I could never write sci-fi and I had to force myself just to read a couple Halo books. This, however, was very good. I really liked it. There were a couple issues involving punctuation. That was pretty much it. I really think you should continue this and ask people to crit this for you. You need to gather an audience. ^_^

Keep writing and let me know when you have more!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:46 pm
kittykat says...



You probably know this but I'm a terrible critique. Sort of durring the middle I was confused because there were talking about brother and sister thing and I couldn't figure out which was which until Sae said what she said.
It was really good, almost as great as FEC. But not that great... :-)

Tell me when you write more! :-)
  





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Mon Jan 07, 2008 12:34 am
~Volant~ says...



Hiya, Errant!

Jabbar got most of the grammatical errors, so I'll skip that part.

Cute story, but one thing: At the end, the "it" suddenly became a she. You can talk about how Sae seemed like a feminine name to Alex, or that there was something feminine in his eyes, but suddenly switching to she and then saying that she acted like a younger sister baffles your reader.

But all in all, good story, mate, well done!
Where are we going?
  





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Mon Jan 07, 2008 7:27 am
deleted1 says...



Good point!

You'll see in the next bit about that, if I can post this up instead of FEC. Sae is really neuter until it takes on a human form, thus becoming 'she' after identifying with the weakness in Alex. Fixing!
  





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Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:40 am
Sleeping Valor says...



Just some suggestions...

the boy grabbed a flashlight from off the counter and tucked it away in the sweatpants he was wearing.


Opening the sliding glass door and exposing himself to the bitter winter air made him shiver.

You write it as if stating a fact. Of course opening the door and exposing himself to the cold will make him shiver. You need to tell us that's what he did. "He shivered as he opened the sliding glass door and exposed himself to the bitter winter air."

Steel shell and machinery spilled forth onto the snow.


Dropping his flashlight to the ground it flickered under the impact and shone on the white snow.
Another one of those 'you describe the effect when --- happens but don't actually tell us it hapenned'.

The small creature that was no animal of earthly origin, had a smooth, fragile, and pale skin that was slick with black blood pouring from gashes across its tiny body.

Ennumeration, use commas and 'and'.

It was terribly injured and struggled to move, the creature lacked a nose or ears, but had a mouth filled with razor teeth that inhaled and exhaled soft breathes slowly.

This par doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of the phrase. Try making it 2 sentences instead.

A sharp pain shot through his body as the creature bit into his exposed neck, but it was soon overwhelmed by an intense pleasure and completely numbed within a moment.

"But the pain was soon replaced..."

Alex plucked the first aid kit from under the sink and returned to the room, sporting a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and gauze in his hands. It grabbed the steel shell and removed its armor, unable to meet his caring gaze as it exposed itself to him.

The last noun you mentioned was the bottle, so using the pronoun it in the next sentence makes us thing the bottle might be the one grabbing the steel shell. Try telling us he returns to the room to find the creature waiting so the pronoun makes sense.

“It means nothing, you are not dying on my watch.”

He's 14. How many 14 year olds say: "it mean's nothing"? =P Try "It doesn't matter".

I'm not much of a science fiction person myself, but I loved the story anyways. Very nice work. I'm looking forward to more. ^_^
  








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