Young Writers Society

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

*Shudders*

Oh no! What's going wrong with the Mars skyscraper-tower boo-wah facility?

This wasn't bad as a prologue. It presented a conflict and something that is going horribly wrong. It was a little wordy, as far as prologues go, but that's kind of typical with Sci-fi.

There weren't many errors as far as spelling and grammar went. You had a few run-on sentences here and there and I've pointed those below.

and there weren't many jobs to be had on Mars ever since it became an outpost.

Try: had become an outpost.

Yerros

That shouldn't be capitalized unless it's in a list of other planets.

He barely noticed the heat now, quickly adjusting to the warm summer like heat.

Try: summer-like

Glen considered himself lucky he even remembered what summer on Earth had been like.

That was a little stiff. Try: Glen considered himself lucky to remember what summer on Earth had been like.

It wasn’t a major problem, all systems had at least two back up coolant lines hooked up in case anything happened, but it was better to fix it now then later.

R/o sentences. These are just a few of the ones I found. Rather than do all the punctuation for you, I've just pointed out a few of the worst ones. The trick to avoiding run-ons is to remember if something does anything in a sentence, it's complete. Period. I think the term is called, comma-splicing, but I'm not sure.

Try: It wasn't a major problem. All systems had at least two backup coolant lines hooked up in case anything happened; but it was better to fix it now then later.

Glen was glad he’d accidentally gone back to his rooms with his harness. If he fixed this now, he could use it as an excuse for his late arrival.

E grinned as the blood rushed through his body and the rope bounced him up and down slightly.

I think you meant to say: He grinned as the blood...

He quickly found the offended coolant line and pulled on his work gloves.

I think you meant, "...the offending coolant line..."


So that was all I could really find to gripe and whine about. As far as mistakes go, r/o sentences aren't that bad. They're just a little distracting. All things considered, this was really good. Keep up the good work.

Favorite line:

It was then, as he gazed appreciatively at the mechanical marvel around him, that Glen realized something was very, very wrong.

*Dies* Oh-no! Disaster! Something is very, very wrong!

Good job.

Thanks for the comments, I think I made all the changes except the one about "he considered himself lucky to even remember...". That one I left because, though I realise I need to emphasize it, there are actually alot of people who left earth so young they would never know what summer was like.

I agree it's very wordy, so I'm open to any suggestions on how to cut back. It's hard, since I really need to get some of the information in there or things don't make sense, but I'm definitely going to try. =P

Glen silently congratulated himself as he padded [s]silently[/s] down the hall. He was late, which was bad, but no one had seen him come in late so no one would call him on it, which was a miracle.

The second sentence is a bit awkward. You say 'which' twice, which disrupts the flow of the sentence. I would suggest taking out the 'which was bad' or 'which was a miracle' and maybe not saying no one twice, since that seems kind of redundant.

One more day late to work and he was going to lose his job for sure, and there weren't many jobs to be had on Mars ever since it become an outpost. There were even less transports to get you off the miserable planet if you'd made the mistake of staying when the last of the refugees were relocated to Yerros, the so-called new 'earth'.

The second sentence here was also a little awkward. It was very long and didn't make a lot of sense, since it was so long-winded. Consider revising it.

Two steps at a time Glen made it to the air sealed door leading to the mechanic level. He punched in the code hurriedly and watched as the door unlocked and swung open. A wave of warm air washed over him. He stepped inside the airlock and waited as the door closed and he was thrown into total darkness for a moment. The low level lights of the airlock finally came on and with them the temperature began to rise.

You say the word 'he' a lot in this paragraph and all of the sentences were structured the same. Try to vary your sentence structure when writing scenes of actions so that it doesn't become boring to read.

He barely noticed the heat now, quickly adjusting to the warm summer-like heat.

Glen considered himself lucky he even remembered what summer on Earth had been like.

The first sentence seemed really redundant. Maybe you could replace the second 'heat' with 'conditions'? That would make it flow better. On the second one, you use variations of 'he' alot, and it might sound better if you wrote: "Glen considered himself luck to even remember what summer on Earth had been like."

He didn’t stop and gape in awe as he had his first day here, [s]he[/s] because was past being amazed by the maze of walkways and machinery that descended downwards like some kind of upside down miniature skyscrapers.

Glen was glad he’d accidentally gone back to his rooms with his harness, if he fixed this now he could use it as an excuse for his late arrival.

This sentence didn't make any sense. I don't understand what you meant by this. Did you mean that he went back to go get his harness? And what about the late arrival thing?

Nice cliffhanger at the end. Overall, the whole thing was alright. It certainly wasn't terrific, but you did have some nice imagery, such as the skyscraper similie. It just wasn't exciting enough to really capture my attention, though, and Glen isn't a very stable character because he's complaining about his job one minute and the next he's smiling because he's not intimidated by the coolant line.

Sorry if I was too harsh. :/

Actually, I really apreciate the more harsh critiques. It's always nice that people like what you write, but it's just as nice to be able to make it better. It's especially not difficult to take since you've voiced alot of issues I expected to come up when I posted it.

I'll definitely look into the run-on sentences (my weakness XP)! As for the lack of excitement, I know. =P I'm very out of practice, but I do know I spent so much time focussing on the detail I forgot the action. >.< I will probably restart the prologue from scratch and probably from closer to the beginning of the action.

Thanks everyone for the critiques, I think I got most of the changes in there. I hope you'll all comment on the rest of it when I get it up (probably in a different thread since I am thinking on a way to work the prologue into the actual story itself =P)

Cool we will live on Mars! Now nice prologue, it defiantly raises interest in the story, and it will defiantly make you want to figure out what was wrong, but it seemed to play like the story, it just seems like it is only an expert from the first chapter really. But really, the one factor that I always like to stress is emotion, when he is running trying to get to work, try to see if you can make it, maybe almost frantic, being nervous, or what ever feeling you want to present there. Also probably another good thing to do is to, when he is going into the "skyscraper" maybe throw in something that all is well be not for long, suspense. That could be what that need, it might not but try that if you want to, because the one thing I love in stories the most is emotion. The one place that would be a vary important to fill with tons of emotion would be in the prologue, because some people might read only that to see if the book is something they'll read, so if you can make the prologue absolutely astounding, you'll defiantly get a lot of people interested , but good luck with the rest of the story, it will be awesome. "Total Recall" haha. good luck.


[quote] "The strong take from the weak, but the smart take from the strong." -The Rule of Four."

Thanks for your advice. You're absolutely right. >.< I must be more out of practice than I thought to have missed that. I've already started reworking the prologue already, though I'm realizing it might end up being kind of long so maybe I'll make it a chapter.

Thanks everybody. ^_^

Posted a bit of the new version of the prologue at the end of the first post. Lemme know if it looks better.

The new version of the prologue looks a tad more interesting than the original. I think that's because in the second version you hit the ground running - you start with action. In the first one, however, the description seems great, but I feel that you could do away with some of the passive verbs and the use of 'to be'.

Example: "said to be the most primitive technology"
Try: "the most primitive of technology, as someone had once told him"

Example: "he was late, which was bad"
Try: "already he was late. Damn."

They're not the best of examples, but eliminating as many passive and stative verbs as you can would help to make your writing much more direct, thus showing the reader your story, not telling it.

I will only score the first version as I haven't fully read the other: 7/10

Another comment! =P And here I thought this story was buried and forgotten. >.< And just when I'd dropped it, too. >_> As usual just after I had finished plotting out this as a novel, I was stuck by another idea which I am now working on. Thanks for the comment! When I come back to this (I hope!) it will be helpful.

^_^ Keek!