Young Writers Society

Memories
It seemed to be a normal day at the house Sari had grown up in, but Lena could sense tension despite the fact it was only six in the morning. Feeling rather uncomfortable, the girl had dressed quickly before heading down stairs to find her father talking at the door with an officer. Hiding behind the wall, she had paused to listen. "You'll find her upstairs… I don't know where my wife sent her sister, but they are both contaminated with that disease of mutations," she heard her father spit contemptuously.

"Do you know what their abilities are?" a smooth voice had asked, one Lena could instantly sense as evil.

"No, she's very good at hiding her abilities… but I know that she does have telekinesis. And she can sense things without ever hearing or seeing them. I swear, I have no idea how that girl can do it! Twice now, she's told me of events that happened while she wasn't even here, in perfect detail down to what people were wearing. It's down right creepy."

The voice cut in as it warned, "Careful… we don't want her sensing your agitation. It could cause some complications if you wake her before we can suppress her fully. We wouldn't want any… issues. My teams will knock her out with a tranquilizer before we take her. It prevents them from trying to escape from panic."

Unable to take it anymore, Lena sent her powers spinning out for this voice and the others she could sense in the yard. Anger coursed through her mind, giving her power above what she usually had. Leave me ALONE! she shouted. Go away!
There was a slight pause in the conversation as there was a slight thud. Someone turned before the evil remarked, "It seems we need to get moving. She's awake."

A chill slid up Lena's spine as she bolted out the back door. Running through the gate that led to the alley, she dashed around the corner only to find that the guards had surrounded her house. There was no where to run.

Looking at the guns that were aimed for her, Lena panicked. Activating her powers instinctively, she used her telekinesis to halt the darts that were flying for her neck before throwing them to the floor. Attacking with the metal lids of the trash cans, she sent them flying like discuses to help clear the way for her as she bolted toward the smallest clustering of guards.

With a sweep of her telekinesis, she cleared the way of them as she slid past. Wheeling down the next possible turn, Lena felt a slight sting in her shoulder. Thinking nothing of it, she headed for the small crate that stood off to one side of the alley. Slipping inside the small container, the girl slowed her ragged breathing quickly as she closed the door.

Drowsiness suddenly hit her; she couldn't seem to keep her eyes focused. With a sigh, she slumped to the floor. What is this…she thought, holding her head in her hands as a second voice came in. You are mine. You will come out to the truck.

It was deceptively persuasive and she could feel her body obeying though her mind fought to ignore the voice. You're so tired… your legs feel like lead. There is no way you can escape.. Take a rest. A long rest. Go to sleep for awhile.You are perfectly safe.
The sleepiness became unbearable and her eyes closed allowing her to reach the calm blackness.


Inside Lena's mind, the scene changed before Sari's eyes to a metal room. She had seen this before, but the mentalist paused to observe the other events that Lena's mind had stored as important.

Hey! Sorry for the wait, got a bit...distracted. ^^;

Feeling rather uncomfortable, the girl had dressed quickly before heading [s]down stairs[/s] downstairs to find her father talking at the door with an officer.

Hiding behind the wall, she [s]had[/s] paused to listen.

...she wasn't even here, [use a dash?] in perfect detail down to what people were wearing.

...in perfect detail down to what people were wearing. It's down right creepy."

Meep! Repetition! Hehe, we can rewrite the last sentence, though, no worries. ^^ It's completely [abnormal]." I trust you'll find a good sentence to use. ^^;

The voice cut in [s]as it warned[/s], "Careful…

Use a comma and warning or just don't use it at all.

It prevents them from trying to escape [s]from panic[/s]."

You could say due to panic but I think it's better without it at all.

What is this…? she thought, holding her head in her hands as a second voice came in.

I'm going to use this to start my overall review.

After this, you have "the second voice" speak with underlined dialogue. Italics are preferred since it doesn't distract the reader as much as the dialogue. Before I explain what I think you can do, I have to ask: Is this her conscience or some guy with telekinesis?

If it's another guy speaking to her through telekinesis, use italics but with quotations as well. "Like this." If it's her conscience, just use plain italics. It's okay. ^^ Just be sure to put "You are mine. You will come out to the truck." as it's own line...either way, actually, lol. It sounds like it's a different person, though, so use the italics and quotations.

Once again, you impress me. I really like what you have here. Don't post too fast though, or people won't critique, just to put that out there. 'Cause this is really good and deserves a much bigger audience. ^^

Keep writing! PM me when you have more!

Jabber, the One and Only!