Young Writers Society

Prologue, The Inspector

Liquid in jars is all it was to Blake. Just some unknown liquid with an unknown purpose in a facility he had been bribed to give a passing grade. He had top-secret code classification, but he was told this place made cleaning agents. He saw the body bags on his last visit as the door shuddered closed. He just didn’t want to be in one of them.

A guard walked through the door quickly followed by a slender built scientist.

The scientist stared at Blake. “What is your classification of my facility?”

Blake glanced over to the scientist, “ I’m not sure yet. How is your employee safety record?”

The scientist hesitated; he hadn’t been trained to lie but Blake was sure he was under orders to. “ Perfect!",the word finally came.

“Okay then”

The guard made a motion for his side arm. Blake unvolunatily took a step back. The guard stopped and looked back to the scientist. Blake hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath and exhaled.

The scientist repeated, “What is your grade? Remember the money is on the line.”

“I see no reason to reject your facility based on what I have seen here today,” Blake said knowing he just signed someone's death note.

It didn’t do well for him to think of it that way. The US government had just paid him five hundred thousand dollars to keep a secret he was in the dark about. Little did Blake know he would play a key role in this secret.

The scientist saw Blake to the door, “Does he know?”

A tall black suited man walked into the room and placed his hand on Dr. Williams' shoulder. “No, but he does know that we don't make cleaning agents.”

The Guard over heard the conversation. “ Should I eliminate him, sir?”

The Blake suited man walked away without another word.

Blake fumbled in his pocket for his car key. “Damn, I lost it again” he mumbled. He turned and reached into his other pocket. He shifted in frustration as it began to rain. Blake sighed. “Well I have another key under the car somewhere. I just need to look for it.

The guard watched through the scope of an M107 sniper rifle as Blake searched for his key. “Don’t move, hey, don’t take a step back, okay stay there.” The guard took a deep breath and slowly squeezed the trigger to not move the barrel…the gasses exploded out of the tip sending the round down range at over the speed of sound. The target had fallen, his job was done. The guard folded up the stock, removed the barrel, and stowed the weapon for later use.

Blake was down by the time the round passed through the windshield and above him. Blake had just started to look for the key and a round goes off. “What the hell!” Blake hissed.” Blake suddenly obtained the feeling that he was in way over his head.

Blake watched from under his car as the guard folded the rifle and walked away. He looked under the frame for the key. There, he pulled it down and slowly stood and unlocked his door. Blake looked at the cell phone on the charger. He thought to call 911 but they would never believe him…or worse they might. Blake opened the glove box and grabbed his 9mm pistol and a clip. He inserted the clip and pulled back the slide to ready the first round. Blake hoped he was making the right decision,if he wasn’t,he wasn’t going to live long enough to know.

Blake made his way across the lot in just a few quick strides. He put his back to the wall and hoped for the best. The scientist that had been showing Blake around for the day walked out the door. Blake slammed the butt of his pistol into his head…hard. The scientist went limp but very much alive. Blake took his ID card and security passkey and rushed into the open door. Unknowingly Blake had just sealed his own fate for the second time in half-an-hour. He had missed the camera.

Blake quickly and silently cleared six very empty rooms. Suddenly the door to hallway 15A swung open. It was the guard looking for Dr. Williams. The guard’s eyes went wide; he didn’t even reach for his own weapon. Blake took his life with two quick and even shots.
The guard was dead before he hit the ground with two rounds in his chest and a third in his stomach.

Blake had killed the only person he thought was out to kill him, but his luck gad just expired anyway. Two suppressed Pistol rounds went into Blake’s arched back. His head tilted slightly to the left, then forward. His legs became unstable and he hit his knees. A third round tore into his pained skin near the others, and Blake finally fell. His muscles to weak to fight, the pain was to great to move his arms. Blake drifted off into a controlled coma.

Half an hour later Blake’s eyes slowly fluttered open. “What the…?”

“Mr. Blake, I am terribly afraid that you just got quit” Said a professor in a white medical jacket. “Oh! And your family thinks you are already dead!”

Blake said the only intimidation thing left, “You won get away with this…!

The professor waited a moment. “Are you quite done. Your threats are as Idle as the guard you killed. They are useless hopeless and, have been taken from you.”

“The government wont let you get away with this….”

“They are the one who want it to continue. Yes, the project was my idea, but a little government funding never hurt anyone, did it?”, the professor stated in a matter of fact tone.

Blake’s eyes went wide at this realization. Why else would they send in a bribed inspector, “Damn it!”, Blake cried,”Has that simple answer been there this entire time?”

“Yes Mr. Blake…I’m afraid it has been sitting right in the open. Hidden by you personal fears, greed, and belief in the US government. I pity you, for you will no become my first experiment. Number 001 Alpha Batch. The professor’s speech seemed to go on and on.

Chapter 1, A Test Gone Awry

Robert looked up from his laptop to Blake.“Blake’s short term memory has been erased, sir. It was a side effect of the test procedure”

Dr. Williams entered the room. “Is this the agents working?”

Robert looked back to has computer. “The effects are slight, but they are there. His long-term memory has doubled in the last week or so. Though erased, the short term memory is showing the early signs of success we predicted.”

Dr. Williams stared at the screen for a while. “His brainwave activity is unstable. What caused that?”

“Well in a way of explaining, they are unstable in modern terms. His mind is about three hundred years more advanced than ours. It is almost at the pinnacle of humanoid evolution." Robert explained. “The treatments are planned to go on for another six months which I believe we can cut to about two now.” In that time his genetics should be slighty over eighty thousand years in to the future, that is if theses exponential rates continue...or they will level off somewhere."

Dr. Williams' jaw had dropped. He quickly reoriented himself and looked back to Blake. “What is his IQ currently?”

Robert looked up again.“ Well we don’t know. We only take it every ten days based on the original test parameters, but before..." ,Robert sifted through the ten million things on his desk and found the one he needed, "...it was 117."

"I want a test to be conducted immediately. Am I clear Mr. Robert." Dr. Williams insisted. Under his breath he added, “Darwin was right…the only true religion is the processes of evolution.

Robert looked up again and was about to ask what Williams had said when a red flashing light began crying for his attention. “Sir”, Robert pleaded, “we have a faulty connection to nerve link alpha. No, wait its not the connection it’s the subject. No, this isn’t possible…how.” Robert continued to try to silence this anomaly. Finally after multiple attempts to squelch this event it ceased transmitting and the light winked out.

Text began to scroll across Robert’s laptop. “I know…what you have done to me.” They said.

Robert began to diagnose this occurrence. “He needs a physical land line to do this.”

“Were did that signal originate from?”, Williams pestered.

Robert disconnected alpha line and continued working on the problem at hand. “Unknown but he is trying to send another through the gamma line.

“How can he do this?”, Williams wondered

“I can’t figure it out sir…it’s coming to fast!"

“Disconnect gamma now!”

“Disconnected…No, wait the line is refusing the signal…the abort codes have also been deleted!”

Robert turned the laptop to Williams, new text had appeared. “If you mess with my mind, can’t I mess with yours…I mean its only fair. We are supposed to play fair doctor…aren’t we.”?

The room’s lights began to flicker on and off, but the laptop did not have to switch to battery power. Dr, Williams looked at the screen and noticed more new text “Have a nice day doctor, and how is you head healing…you know…from where I hit you.”

“Bring this wing to full lock-down now. Save all data to this point and terminate the experiment…classification:Partial Success.” The doctor ordered.

Robert began the tasks “All files are saved. Wing in total lock-down. The connections won’t accept the override codes!

Dr. Williams shoved Robert out of the way of the keyboard and inserted the command override code “the key that controls our fate”

Blake was unprepared for this and quickly lost control of 95% of the systems in an almost total software shutout. He had tried 3-firewalls which didn’t even slow the code down.

Blake closed his eyes and frowned. An odd smell entered the room and within twenty seconds, Blake was dead.

if you didnt like it sorry but if you did the rest is coming as soon as I stop being to lazy to type it but most likely within the month

Hello, Church! I got your crit done, so here goes nothing!

Prologue

He Had Top-Secret code classification, but he was told this place made cleaning agents.

Is there a reason that is all capitalized? I don't think it deserves that much recognition.

A guard walked through the door quickly followed by a slender built gray haired pale scientist.

Wow, that's a lot of adjectives. Either that or each one is real long. ...a slender, pale scientist with graying hair. This is kind of blagh, but you get my point, I hope. ^^

The scientist turned to Blake, [period instead] “[s]what[/s] What is your Classification of my facility.”

Why is that capitalized? Again, it's not that important to be called a proper noun, hehe.

The scientist turned to Blake, “what is your Classification of my facility.”

Blake turned, “ I’m not sure yet. How is your employee safety record?”

Repetition. He turns, she turns, everyone turns. Fix that, pretty-please. ^^

The scientist hesitated, [semi instead or period] he hadn’t been trained to lie, but Blake was sure he was under orders to, [period instead] “[close space] Perfect,[close space] “ the word finally came.

“Ok, then.”

I have this little nit-picky thing about the word okay. I like to spell it out like I just did or capitalize both letters as an abbreviation OK. It's up to the author, of course, but it makes me feel better to point it out.

The guard made a motion [s]for[/s] with his side arm. Blake unconsciously took a step back.

That word doesn't completely seem to fit. Try something else like unintentionally or involuntary or other synonyms.

Blake hadn’t realized he had been holding his [s]breathe[/s] breath and exhaled.

Breathe is the action. Breath is the noun.

The scientist repeated, “What is your grade, [Question mark instead [s]the[/s] The money is on the line.”

“I see no reason to reject your facility based on what I have seen here today,” Blake said, knowing he just signed someone’s death note.

First Chapter

The scientist saw Blake out, [period instead] “Does he know?”

I had to read this a couple times to know what you mean. Out where? The scientist watched Blake leave. Sounds better, I think. Adjust accordingly.

A tall, black-suited man walked in the room and placed his hand on Dr. Williams' shoulder, [period instead] “No, but he does know what we don’t do.”

The Guard over heard the conversation, [period instead] “ Should I eliminate him, sir?”

The Blake suited man walked away without another word.

I think you mean black-suited[/b] man, but we already know he wears a black suit anyway. Use another word that would describe him differently, like [i]fat or old or anything else. ^^

Blake fumbled in his pocket for his car key, [period instead] “Damn, I lost it again,” he mumbled.

Blake sighed, [period instead] “Well, I have another key under the car somewhere.

“Don’t move hey, don’t take a step back, ok stay there.”

"Don't move. Hey, don't take a step back--yes, stay right there..."

the gasses exploded out of the tip sending the round down range at over the speed of sound.

The gasses exploded from the barrel, sending the sound at the speed of sound. You actually say over the speed of sound, which would be the speed of light, no? Replace sound with light in my example, and it should be acceptable.

The target had fallen; his job was done. The guard folded up the stock, removed the barrel, and stowed the weapon for later use.

Blake was down by the time the round passed through the windshield and above him. Blake had just gotten down to look for the key and a round goes off.

Bad repetition. Fix it, pleases. ^^

“What the hell,”, [no comma] Blake [s]whispered[/s] hissed.” [s]Blake[/s] Blake suddenly obtained the [s]felling[/s] feeling that he was in way over his head.

There, [period or exclamation point?] [s]he[/s] He pulled it down and slowly stood [s]and unlocked[/s] to unlock his door.

Blake opened the glove box, [s]and grabbed[/s] grabbing his 9mm pistol and a clip.

It's really called a glove compartment. I didn't know if you named it a box intentionally or not. I'll leave the gun/weapon stuff to the experts on the site.

Blake hoped he was making the right decision…[period instead] if he wasn’t...he wasn’t going to live long enough to know.

I also think a period instead of the second triple dots will work better. It's too dramatic to have the triple dots there. If you have triple dots, you probably won't need the rest of the sentence, just let the reader wonder the worst that could happen...like possible death?

Unknowingly, Blake had just sealed his own fate for the second time in half-an-hour.

He had missed the camera.

Very good job here. I said "D'oh!" out loud at this part. That's a very good job. You always want Jabber to make such comments out loud. Or the goosebumps...a lot of people know of my goosebumps.

Blake systematically cleared six very empty rooms.

That word doesn't belong. I'd delete it if you can't replace it. ^^

[s]Though[/s] Blake had killed the only person he thought was out to kill him. [comma instead] [s]Unfortunately[/s] but his luck [s]gad[/s] had just expired anyway.

A third round tore into his tanned skin near the others and Blake finally fell. [comma instead] [s]His[/s] his muscles too weak to fight. The pain was too great to move his arms.

Half an hour later, Blake’s eyes slowly fluttered open. “What the…?” Blake said wearily

You probably don't even need that tag at the end of the sentence. He just woke up and Blake's already been noted as the subject of the paragraph, so the tag seemed pointless to me.

“Mr. Blake, I am terribly afraid that you just got fired,”, [no comma] [s]Said[/s] said a professor in a white medical jacket, [period instead] “Oh! And your family thinks you are already dead!”

Blake said the only intimidation thing [s]left[/s] he could think of. , [no comma] “You won't get away with this doctor…!"

[s](As you can tell the effect from the tranquilizer round hasn’t quite wore off yet)[/s]

The last part, don't just tell the reader. We're smart enough to come to that conclusion. Find another way to put this into the story or don't have it at all. ^^

The professor waited a moment, [period instead] “[s]are[/s] Are you quite done. [question mark instead] Your threats are as [s]Idle[/s] idle as the guard you killed. They are useless, hopeless, and [s]Have[/s] have been taken from you.”

“The [s]Government[/s] government wont let you get away with this….”

“They are the ones who want it to continue, [period instead] [s]yes[/s] Yes, the project was my idea, but a little [s]Government[/s] government funding never hurt anyone.[comma instead] [s]Did[/s] did it?”, [no comma] the professor stated in a matter-of-fact tone.

Why else would they send in a bribed inspector, [question mark instead “Damn it, [s]damn it damn it[/s]”, [no comma] Blake cried, [period instead and insert space] ”Has that simple answer been there this entire time?”

“Yes, Mr. Blake…I’m afraid it has been sitting right in the open hidden by your personal fears, greed, and belief in the US government. I pity you, for you will no become my first experiment. Number 001 Alpha Batch."

---Robert looked up from his laptop to Blake, [period instead] “Blake’s short-term memory has been erased, sir. It was a side effect of the test procedure.”

No dash in the front but, even if you were to have them, two is enough.

Dr. Williams entered the room, [period instead] “Is this the agents working?”

Robert looked back to has computer, [period instead] “[s]the[/s] The effects are slight, but they are there.

Though erased, the short-term is showing the early signs of success we suspected.”

Dr. Williams stared at the screen for a while, [period instead] “[s]his[/s] His [s]Brain[/s] brainwave activity is unstable.

“Well in a way of explaining, they are unstable in our terms.

He's been using our terms this whole time. Don't put that there. Well, they're unstable.

It is almost at the pinnacle of humanoid evolution,”, [no comma] Robert explained.

He should be sounding shocked at his findings, btw.

“The treatments are [s]planed[/s] planned to go on for another six month which I believe we can cut to about two now.” [no quotation marks] In that time, his genetics should be over 80,000 years in to the future! "

Why not write it out in words? I think you did that earlier, if I remember correctly, for 500,000.

Dr. Williams' jaw had dropped.

Robert looked up again, [period instead] “[s]well[/s] Well, we don’t know. We only take it every ten days based on the original test parameters, but before, it was 117.

I want a test to be conducted immediately… [period instead] [s]am[/s] Am I clear, Mr. Robert. [question mark instead] " Dr. Williams insisted. Under his breath he added, “Darwin was right…[dash?] the only true religion his the process of evolution."

Robert looked up again and was about to ask what Williams had said [s]and was stopped before he even started by[/s] when a red flashing light [s]crying[/s] cried for his attention. “Sir,”, [no comma] Robert pleaded, “we have a faulty connection to nerve-link alpha… [period instead] no wait, it's not the connection, it’s the subject. No…this isn’t possible…how...?” Robert continued [s]to try[/s] trying to silence this anomaly. Finally after multiple attempts to squelch this event, it ceased transmitting and the light winked out.

Text began to scroll across Robert’s laptop. “I know…what you have done to me.” [s]They said[/s].

Couple things:

1. Would they use a laptop for tests and stuff? I picture fancy computers in a laboratory, not a skinny laptop.

2. Put the message in italics instead, without the quotation marks. Also, no hesitation (triple dots) in a text.

Robert began to diagnose this occurrence, [period instead] “[s]he[/s] He needs a physical land-line to do this”

Not sure about that dash.

“Where did that signal originate from?”, [no comma] Williams pestered.

Robert disconnected alpha-line and continued working on the problem at hand, [period instead] “Unknown, but he is trying to send another through the Gamma-Line.

Lowercase gamma-line since alpha-line wasn't capitalized.

“How can he do this?”, [no comma] Williams wondered.

“I can’t figure it out, sir…[period instead] [s]it’s[/s] It's coming too fast!

“Disconnect Gamma now.”

“Disconnected… [period instead] No wait, the line is refusing the signal…[s]the[/s] The abort codes have also been deleted!”

Robert turned the laptop to Williams…[period instead] new text had [s]indeed[/s] appeared. “If you mess with my mind, can’t I mess with yours…[period instead] [s]I mean[/s] its only fair. We are supposed to play fair doctor…[comma instead] aren’t we.”?

Dr, [period instead] Williams looked at the screen and noticed more new text. “Have a nice day, doctor, [period instead] [s]and[/s] By the way, how is your head healing? [s]…you know…[/s] from where I hit you. [question mark instead]”

Save all data to this point and terminate the experiment… [dash instead] classification: Partial Success.[comma instead]” [s]The[/s] the doctor ordered.

Unsure about the colon, since I'm not too sure what you were saying there. I think Partial Success was the name of the classification, hence the colon.

Robert began the tasks. “All files are saved… [period instead] Wing in total lock-down…[period instead] [s]the[/s] The connections won’t accept the override codes!"

Dr. Williams shoved Robert [s]out of the way of the keyboard[/s] aside and inserted the command override code[comma or colon] “the key that controls our fate.”

Quotes should be italics instead.

An odd smell entered the room and within 20 seconds, Blake was dead.

Write out 20 as twenty.

Overall, it was a good story. I'm sad that it ended, I would have liked to see it go on, with Blake as some bad guy and shtuff, but that may be cliche. Dunno, depends how you write it. ^^

You have some tag issues that are easy to fix, watch out for those. And you use the triple dots (...) way too much.

All other issues were pointed out above. Any questions, PM me. I'd be happy to help or crit some more for you.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

As per your request! ^_^

“ Perfect!",the word finally came.

Get rid of the comma and put a space there.

“Okay then”

Needs a period.

Blake unvolunatily took a step back.

Involuntarily*

Little did Blake know he would play a key role in this secret.

Aww, way to totally ruin it. >=(

The scientist saw Blake to the door, “Does he know?”

Change the comma to a period.

The Blake suited man walked away without another word.

Do you mean "black-suited?"

“Damn, I lost it again” he mumbled.

Comma after "again."

The guard took a deep breath and slowly squeezed the trigger to not move the barrel…the gasses exploded out of the tip sending the round down range at over the speed of sound.

Er... I may be wrong, but I don't think that's exactly how it works. You might want to do some research on that.

Blake had just started to look for the key and a round goes off.

Redundant much?

*Random note* You use "Blake" waaaaaay too much. Pronouns are your friend.

Unknowingly Blake had just sealed his own fate for the second time in half-an-hour.

Stop spoling it! You're no fun.

The guard was dead before he hit the ground with two rounds in his chest and a third in his stomach.

First of all, redundant. Second, if Blake only fired two shots, how did the guard end up with three bullets?

Blake had killed the only person he thought was out to kill him, but his luck gad just expired anyway.

Read my fingers. Don't spoil it.

Blake drifted off into a controlled coma.

*has researched comas* Dude, a controlled coma is one that doctors put you in for health reasons. Slipping into a coma from gunshots is not a controlled coma.

“Mr. Blake, I am terribly afraid that you just got quit” Said a professor in a white medical jacket. “Oh! And your family thinks you are already dead!”

This sentence downright does not make sense. How did he just got quit? Getting fired I understand, but quitting is generally something you do of your own volition.

*Random note* Work on your grammar. It's pretty sub-par.

I just kind of scanned the rest, because I can identify your main flaw almost right away. You have a problem with lack of detail. There's too much action and not enough setting, insight into the character's mind, etc. etc. You need to go in and slow down. Put in some setting description, what your character is thinking and feeling as all of this is going on, and some emotion. Definitely some emotion. There's none here, meaning there's no way for the reader to connect with and identify with the story, which is a crucial bond.

So, in short, add in descriptive language, character thoughts, and emotion. Keep me posted on how it goes, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate