Young Writers Society

Night had fallen, and the rebellion had formed their strategy. Get in, get Ada, get out-- as simple as that. There were a few obstacles that took some time getting around, the iris scans and getting her off the machines, but in theory, it would all work out. Gideon followed the others and back into the alley. O'Connell nudged him gently.

"If anything goes wrong make sure that sword of yours is ready," he said, indicating to his own dagger. It was drawn, ready for action. They hurried down the streets, a series of clacking feet, rhythmically moving in pace. They hurried down the streets going in and out of the street lamps, turning down dark alleys and leaping over fences. For once Gideon didn't feel so alone. He felt a rush too-- for once in his life things weren't so laid back. He was important now.

They hurried across Westminster bridge, past the blood stain where the girl's father lay, past the spot Gideon had found Ada. It was all still fresh in his mind. The hospital was just ahead, looming over the city like a shadow.

"Remember," Cameron said, mostly to Gideon but to everyone else as well. "The government knows who we are. As soon as we step in the iris scanner they'll have Nova units on us faster than you can imagine. This should be far enough to put in Carlos's contacts." She took her own pair out and put them in her eyes. According to the cameras now, she was Abigael Montgomery, a seamstress from Ireland. "Now don't forget your characters or we're busted for sure."

Gideon and the other men did as she said. Each had their own characters. Gideon was Mr. Montgomery, and O'Connell, Jack and Terrence were Mr. Montgomery's wealthy associates, here to check up on Mr. Montgomery's niece.

They walked through the doors flawlessly, the door announcing them as their character's names.

"We came as soon as we heard. Where's my beautiful little niece?" Cameron said, her voice fluent with a rich English accent. The reception-bot had been replaced since Gideon was last here.
"May I please ask who you are talking about?" The bot asked politely her eyes attentive on the group.

"Her name is Ada. Poor thing. I heard her power went out and was brought here when her reality machine crashed." Cameron said, each word milked perfectly. If Gideon didn't know better he would of said that she was Ada's aunt.

"Room 3200 Floor 15 Elevator B." They headed towards the elevators. "Mr. Montgomery may I see you for a moment?" The bot asked politely.

A shiver of fear rocketed through Gideon's body. "Of course, " his accent nowhere near as good as Cameron's. Gideon could feel all eyes on him as he rested his elbows on the reception desk. O'Connell's blade hummed quietly behind his back.

"May I have your autograph?" the receptionist asked almost excitedly. "I know the humans do not treat you as such, but you are a miracle worker. Your program 101000101." The receptionist sighed, "simply poetry. I love your work. Program 101001101 literally re-modeled my cousins life He went from a garbage-bot to a wealthy man's butler. Your programs can work miracles."

Gideon sighed. The tension released from the room. "Do you have a pen?"

Quickly Cameron stepped forward, "Oh darling I do here, use mine!" she said quickly walking over to him handing him a ball-point pen. "Fingerprints." she whispered in his ear. Gideon's heart raced in his chest. He looked at the pen the receptionist was trying to offer him-- it was wrapped in print tape! She nearly killed them with a pen.

He smiled politely at her and scribbled a fake signature down on a piece of paper. "Here you go love." He said, handing the pen back to Cameron. "And this," he said pushing the paper over to the receptionist "is for you." The receptionist smiled, thanking him until they got on the elevator. The bell-bot had also been switched, and a quieter, more polite one stood in the doorway.

"Which Floor?" he asked.

"15 please," replied Cameron. They moved up in silence, everyone still afraid to talk. The doors opened and they walked out of the elevator at an intense pace; any faster and they would have been running.

"Have a nice day!" The robot shouted after them.

O'Connell muttered something under his breath in scottish, receiving a quick elbow in the ribs from Terrence. From the tone of O'Connel's voice, Gideon guessed they weren't words taught in kindergraten.

"Don't blow ou' cova'" He said in his naturally thick Irish accent.

Gideon quickened his pace to catch up with Cameron. "Does Ada even know who you are?"

"We met before she and her father left. He spent a day hiding out with us and packing. She should remember us."

After what seemed like eternity they made it to Ada's room. They knocked and the door slid open. Inside was a robo-nurse and a doctor-bot.

"I'm a afraid the girl's insurance can't cover her stay. We have strict orders to terminate her," the doctor said to the nurse then left the room, wishing Ada's visitors a good day.

"We're here to... umm... have Ada's insurance switched over to our account." Cameron said, her accent slipping just momentarily.

"Oh," said the nurse. "That will be great. Follow me please." She said, Rolling over to the desk next to Ada's bed, her metal skirt clanking. She turned around and examined the group closely. "Good evening Mister-" she paused recognizing his face. "You were here yesterday. You aren't Mister-" She was cut off again as O'Connell stabbed her in her robotic throat. She squealed, as her energy was drained from her.

Terrence and Cameron quickly started detaching Ada from all the machines; she slowly awoke as they took her off of the sedative. They set off countless alarms, and once the nurses came to answer Ada's warning signal found the door barricaded, security alarms were also set off. Quicker than they had expected a security bot had arrived at the scene, retractable blades, coming in and out of the palms of his hands, plummeting them deep into the metal.

"You have three seconds to open this door. Otherwise I will be required to use deadly force." The security guard said, his electronic voice uncomprising and gruff. With no response he continued to break the door into smaller and smaller pieces.
"1..." They had finished disconnecting Ada from the machines.
"2..." They stood in front of the door the weapons ready; Cameron had an arrow notched and pulled back
"3!" yelled the guard bot who was broke down the door, greeted with an arrow in his eye visor, and four blades buried into his stomach. He shook in pain, screaming as his systems overloaded. He charged at Jack, making direct contact with his jugular. Jack toppled to the ground, warm blood spilling over the floor; janitor bots scurried in to clean up the mess. The others ran for their lives into the stairwell.

The elevators were going to be shut down, it was custom such to happen in a security emergency. They ran down the stairwell, Terrence carrying Ada on his shoulders, Cameron picking off some of the Janitor bots scaling the stairs, O'Connell and Gideon getting the select few who made it past Cameron's deadly accuracy.

They ran down the stairs at a grueling pace, skipping stairs and leaping from one platform to the next. They had made it safely to the second floor, perspiration dripping off of all of their bodies. An army of security bots waited for them at the bottom of the stairs, each gleaming in there matching tin bodies, each the size of two men and artificial biceps the size of bowling balls. There was no way they were getting past them. Luckily Cameron's plan didn't require getting to the first floor. The walls were made of glas, and jumping out of from the second story wasn't life threatening.

"The window!" she yelled, picking off as many security bots as she could once they realized they had an escape route. O'Connell slashed savagely at the robots, Gideon cracking the window.

Gideon smashed the hilt of his blade into the window creating a small crack. He could hear the sound of metal against metal, and the slice of O'Connell's dagger into one of the many security-bots.

Gideon swung again, the window becoming a spiderweb of cracks, covering the window in strange patterns. Sparks flew from the bots, as O'Connell lunged, punched, and stabbed the immense security-bots. They were no match for a fighter with as much experience as O'Connell.

After the third swing, and ten or eleven guards killed, the window smashed open, scattering small shards of glass everywhere. As the sword absorbed the glass's energy, the glass turned back into sand. Gideon jumped out, followed by Cameron, Terrence, and lastly O'Connell. He hit the ground hard, and sprinted off, pain searing up his left leg. Each of them followed him, sprinting in and out of shadows, racing away from the hospital as fast as they possibly could.

"C'mon Gideon! They'll have the Nova Units on us in less than a few minutes." O'Connell said as he ran past him.

"I think-" Gideon winced as the pain seared up his leg. "-I sprained my ankle." Gideon said rushing after everyone else. He watched as they got further and further ahead, not slowly their pace at all. He turned back to look at the hospital and was surprised to find Novas already scurrying after him! They had responded to the call in under a minute, ther legs moving in a rapid blur. There had to be at least ten of them, scurrying down the road towards him, their orange triangluar eyes ablaze. Their target was aqquired, elimination the only thing crossing their artificial minds.

Gideon turned around, sweat dripping off of his forehead. They had left him. He stared at the small creatures rushing him, around his blade at the ready. So much for being a team, he thought, they've left me to die.

He slashed at the approaching bots, readying himself for the near certain doom approaching. Arrows whizzed overhead, burying themselves deep in the Novas, sending them squirming and screaming. O'Connell rushed by screaming, blade at the ready towards the mechanical monsters. Two Novas jumped towards O'Connell, springing into the air seemingly slowing down time itself, there legs outstreched before them, blades at the ready. In one smooth move O'Connell slashed the belly of one of them, spinning under the other, stabbing it in the back, and continued his arc, pinning it to the ground. Gideon stabbed one rushing right at him. He had to apply pressure to pierce their exoskeloton, but the blade slid easily through their inners. He swung his sword at another, chopping its tail clean off, sparks flying everywhere. It hissed at him, its viscious orange eyes turning a terrifying red. It had just gone from a annoying bumble bee to a hornet ready to sting. He dropped to the ground as another leaped for his head, stabbing upwards catching it directly in the stomach. He looked at the tailless Nova he was now face to face with. His sword was still in the air, and the Nova had a quicker reaction time than he did. Within a moment, it would be "light's out, good bye world" for Gideon. He squeezed his eyes shut, expecting one of the Novas eight blades to pierce his head. Instead, he heard a metallic crunch, and was face to face with O'Connell's steel bottomed boot, with a still struglling Nova beneath it.

"C`mon, Gideon you didn't think we were going to leave you to die did you?"
O'Connell said, making sure he pulverized the Novas head beneath his toes. Gideon leapt to his feet, giving O'Connell a smile and an appriciative nod before returning back to the action. He slashed an approaching Nova in half, its lower half of its body falling straight to the ground, the upper half momentarily resting on the broad sword's face. In a quick moment, Gideon watched as the Nova's upper torso fell to the ground, sparks leaving a trail of what looked almost magical to Gideon's blade. He watched the nova, as its fiery orange eyes dulled to an empty gray. Never before could Gideon say he was happy to see something dead. Gideon stood still breathing heavily, grinding the remains of the Nova into the asphalt. There's a first time for everything. Gideon thought to himself.

ok I haven't read it all but Im using the first short sentence as a book mark....Ill read more in a bit *I promised..*
-em
*Oh ya I killed my character in eternals It was getting to teen girl for me*

ok I fiished reading it ....That was kinda cunfusing but that's great. I have a q though....What was your old user name?*pm the answer to that because Im not sure Ill go back to this unless some one else posts here...*
-em

NITPICKS

"If anything goes wrong make sure that sword of yours is ready." He said, indicating to his own dagger.

You don't indicate 'to' something! You just indicate it. "indicating his own dagger." Also, punctuation for the dialogue would be comma after 'ready,' then a lower-case 'h.'

Rewritten:

"If anything goes wrong make sure that sword of yours is ready," he said, indicating his own dagger.

For once Gideon didn't feel so alone. He felt a rush too, for once in his life things weren't so laid back. He was important now.

This is a little too quick for a charecter-insight, I think. You need to hit the action as hard as you can. Starting with an action sequence is good, but you really have to keep it moving! First of all, we don't know anything about Gideon yet, so to say that this moment was unusual because he felt important and "not laid back," doesn't make any connection to the reader. It would be a great hint as his personality - with more explanation.

Anyway...

"The government knows who we are. As soon as we step in the iris scanner they'll have Nova units on us faster than you can imagine. This should be far enough to put in Carlos's contacts." She said taking her own pair out, putting them in her eyes.

Punctuation problem again. Dialogue punctuation is a very difficult thing, and I know that a lot of young writers struggle with it. The general rule is after every piece of dialogue, do a comma and then lower case after it. For example:

WRONG!!!

"That's a strange looking rabbit in your soup." He said.

"That's a strange looking rabbit in your soup!" He shouted.

"What is this rabbit doing in my soup?" He asked quizzically.

RIGHT!!!

"That's a strange looking rabbit in your soup," he said.

"That's a strange looking rabbit in your soup!" he shouted.

"What is this rabbit doing in my soup?" he asked quizzically.

And so on. Think of it as all one sentence, separated with quotation marks. So there you are. I won't point out your other mistakes throughout this piece, just keep that in mind before you post, to CHECK YOUR PUNCTUATION!

Continuing...

They walked through the doors flawlessly, the door announcing them as their character's names.

A little bit of a weird sentence, mostly because of the beginning. Walking through a door is not something you usually do 'flawlessly.' I mean, anybody can walk through a door. I think you mean flawlessly as in "without a hitch" or something, but it doesn't work. Think of a different word.
Also, the "door announcing them as their character's names" is a little difficult, because it's the first real idea we get that this is the future. I mean, a door that talks? So yeah...a little confusing.

Moving on...

"We came as soon as we heard. Where's my beautiful little niece?" Cameron said, her voice fluent with a rich English accent.

Cameron said = Cameron asked
Fluent isn't the right word here! You can't be fluent with an accent, really, especially an English one. I appreciate the fact that you're trying to step out of the bounds of normal, short conversational words, but be sure you're using them correctly. I would say just "Cameron said with a rich English accent." Or something.

If Gideon didn't know better he would of said that she was Ada's aunt.

A common mistake. of = have Always say 'would have' instead of 'would of.'

O'Connell's blade hummed quietly behind his back.

Confusing sentence! I didn't get why a blade would be humming...er...explain later? Or something.

OTHER COMMENTS

The rest of it still contains some punctuation mistakes, typos and that kind of stuff, but I don't like pointing out things you could easily pick up on yourself after one careful read-through.

Your dialogue is pretty strong, although I would suggestion NOT trying to spell out the accents. It's very difficult and shouldn't be attempted unless you're really good at it! Just keep it normal and then say "he said in his thick Irish brogue," and we can imagine the rest.

Your action scene at the very end, unfortunately sort of lost my attention. I had to concentrate to get through it, which is never good, especially for an action scene! I'm not sure exactly what it was...perhaps it's because it was a little confusing as to exactly what was happening.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Very nice piece, and good idea to start with the action sequence. It kept my attention up until the last two paragraphs, as I said, so kudos for that. I think you have a very good beginning here, and you worked in a lot of facts about your world and charecters without info-dumping - always very difficult. I'm looking forward to reading the rest as soon as I have time!

Au revoir,
MademoiselleKool

Hello! I have critted your entire chapter; it's just a matter of posting, lol. We'll see if I get to that tonight. >.> I highly apologize, by the way, if I repeat anything the others have said.

Anyways!

Night had fallen, and the rebellion had formed their strategy. Get in, get Ada, get out, [dash instead] as simple as that. There were a few obstacles that took some time getting around, [no comma] the iris scans, [no comma] and getting her off the machines, but in theory, it would all work out. Gideon followed the others [s]the last up[/s] the stairs, [no comma] and back into the alley. O'Connell nudged him gently.

"If anything goes wrong, make sure that sword of yours is ready. [comma instead]" [s]He [/s] he said, indicating to his own dagger. It was drawn, ready for action. They hurried down the streets, a series of clacking feet, rhythmically moving in pace. They hurried down the streets going in and out of the street lamps, turning down dark alleys and leaping over fences. For once Gideon didn't feel so alone. He felt a rush too, [dash instead] for once in his life things weren't so laid back. He was important now. They hurried across Westminster bridge, past the blood stain where the girl's father lay, past the spot Gideon had found Ada. It was all still fresh in his mind. [s]They[/s] the hospital was just ahead, looming over the city like a shadow.

"Remember," Cameron said, mostly to Gideon but to everyone else as well. "The government knows who we are. As soon as we step in the iris scanner, they'll have Nova units on us faster than you can imagine. This should be far enough to put in Carlos's contacts." She [s]said taking[/s] took her own pair out, [no comma] [s]putting[/s] and put them in her eyes. According to the [s]camera's[/s] cameras now, she was Abigael Montgomery, a seamstress from Ireland. "Now don't forget your characters, or we're busted for sure."

Gideon and the other men did as she said. Each had their own characters. Gideon was Mr. Montgomery, and O'Connell, Jack and Terrence were Mr. Montgomery's wealthy associates, here to [s]enter[/s] check up on Mr. Montgomery's niece.

"May I please ask [s]you[/s] who you are talking about?" [s]The[/s] the bot asked politely, her eyes attentive on the group.

"Her name is Ada. Poor thing. I heard her power went out, [no comma] and was brought here when the reality machine crashed. [comma instead]" Cameron said, each word milked perfectly. If Gideon didn't know better, he would of said that she was Ada's aunt.

"Room 3200, Floor 15, Elevator B. [comma instead]" [s]The[/s] the reception-bot said. They headed towards the elevators. "Mr. Montgomery may I see you for a moment?" [s]The[/s] the bot asked politely.

A shiver of fear rocketed through Gideon's body. "Of course, " [s]He[/s] he said, his accent nowhere near as good as Cameron's. Gideon could feel all eyes on him as he rested his elbows on the reception desk. O'Connell's blade hummed quietly behind his back.

[New paragraph]

"May I have your autograph?" [s]The[/s] the receptionist asked almost excitedly. "I know the humans do not treat you as such, but you are a miracle worker. Your program 101000101." The receptionist sighed, "simply poetry. I love your work. Program 101001101 literally re-modeled my cousin's life; He went from a garbage-bot to a wealthy man, much like yourself, butler. Your programs can work miracles."

Underlined: How this sentence is written, you're calling Gideon the butler. Was that intentional?

Gideon sighed. The tension released from the room. "Do you have a pen?" [s]Gideon asked.[/s]

It can already be assumed Gideon said that.

Quickly Cameron stepped forward, [period instead] "Oh darling, I do! here, use mine! [period instead]" She [s]said quickly walking[/s] rushed over to him and handed [s]handing to it[/s] him a ballpoint pen [maybe?]."[s]fingerprints.[/s] Fingerprints," [s]She[/s] whispered in his ear. Gideon gasped and he looked at the pen the receptionist was trying to offer him, [dash instead] it was wrapped in print tape! She [s]almost[/s] nearly got them all killed with a pen.

Underlined: Would Gideon gasp? The reception bot would notice and would try to think up a new way to get fingerprints or other means of identification from him. Maybe he held his breath or his heart jumped. I dunno, but I don't think gasp is the right action.

He smiled politely at her, [no comma] and scribbled a fake signature [s]down[/s] on a piece of paper. "Here you go, love. [comma instead]" [s]He[/s] he said, handing the pen back to Cameron. "And this, [dash instead]" [s]he said pushing[/s] He pushed the paper over to the receptionist. "--is for you." The receptionist smiled, thanking him until they got on the elevator. The bell-bot had also been switched, and a quieter, more polite one stood in the doorway.

"Which Floor?" [s]He[/s] asked.

"15, please. [comma instead]" [s]Replied[/s] replied Cameron. They moved up in silence, everyone still afraid to talk. The doors opened, and they walked out, [no comma] quickly and briskly.

"Have a nice day!" [s]The[/s] robot shouted after them.

Underlined: This sentence sounds clunky with two adverbs at the end like this. I would probably choose one and put it in front of walked or smooth the words in somehow, even if they're not adverbs anymore.

"Don't blow ou' cova'," [s]He[/s] he said in his own [s]irish[/s] Irish accent, [s]quite obvious[/s].

1.) Irish are an important people, believe it or not. They get capitalized. ^^

2.) I dislike obvious, but I'm weird like that. I'm usually easy on the word when critting, but it's already obvious to the reader when you say in his own thick Irish accent [I suggest putting thick in there].

"We met before [s]her father and her[/s] she and her father left. He spent a day hiding out with us and packing. She should remember us."

Underlined: This is many times a confusing part of grammar. However, if you take our her father in that sentence, it reads as: We met before her left. That doesn't sound right, does it? It should be she, not her. That's why the change.

After what seemed like eternity, they made it to Ada's room. They knocked, and the door slid open. Inside was a robo-nurse and a doctor-bot.

"I'm [s]a[/s] afraid the girl's insurance can't cover her stay. We have strict orders to terminate her. [comma instead]" [s]The[/s] the doctor said to the nurse then left the room, wishing Ada's visitors a good day.

"We're here to... umm.... [only three dots please] have Ada's insurance switched over to our account. [comma instead]" Cameron said, [insert space here] her accent slipping just momentarily.

The ellipses, or the dots. Three dots is a good number to use. Two makes it look like a typo, and four looks rather annoyingly long. Three is a good solid number of dots that you won't get beaten for, lol.

"Oh," said the nurse. "That will be great. Follow me please." She [s]said, Rolling[/s] rolled over to the desk next to Ada's bed, her metal skirt clanking. She turned around and examined the group closely. "Good evening, [s]mister[/s] Mister-" She [s]said pausing[/s] paused, deep in thought[s] recognizing his face[/s]. "You were here yesterday. You aren't Mister-" She was cut off again as O'Connell stabbed her in her robotic throat. She squealed, [no comma] as her energy was drained from her.

[New paragraph]

Terrence and Cameron quickly started detaching Ada from all the machines, [period or semi instead] she slowly awoke as they took her off of the sedative, [period instead] [s]rushing to detach her[/s]. They set off countless alarms, and once the nurses who came to answer Ada's warning signal found the door barricaded, security alarms were also set off. Quicker than they had expected, a security bot had arrived at the scene, retractable blades, [no comma] coming in and out of the palms of his hands, plummeting them deep into the metal.

"1..." They had finished [s]disconnetcing[/s] disconnecting Ada from the machines.
"2..." They stood in front of the door, the weapons ready, [semi instead] Cameron had an arrow notched and pulled back.

You did well with the countdown.

"3!" [insert space here] yelled the guard bot who [s]was[/s] broke down the door, [no comma] and was greeted with an arrow in his eye visor, [no comma] and four blades buried into his stomach. He shook in pain, screaming as his systems overloaded. He charged at Jack, making direct contact with his jugular. Jack toppled to the ground, warm blood spilling over the floor,[semi instead] janitor bots [s]from in the hall, scurrying[/s] scurried in to clean up the mess. The others ran for their lives into the stairwell.

[New paragraph]

The elevators were going to be shut down, [dash instead] it was custom such to happen in a security emergency. They ran down the stairwell, Terrence carrying Ada on his shoulders, Cameron picking off some of the Janitor bots scaling the stairs, O'Connell and Gideon getting the select few who made it past Cameron's deadly accuracy.

[New paragraph]

They ran down the stairs at a grueling pace, skipping stairs and leaping from one platform to the next. They had made it safely to the second floor, perspiration dripping off of all of their bodies. An army of security bots waited for them at the bottom of the stairs, each gleaming in there matching tin bodies, each the size of two men, [no comma] and artificial biceps the size of bowling balls. There was no way they were getting past them. Luckily Cameron's plan didn't require getting to the first floor. The walls were made of glass, [no comma] and jumping out of a second story window wasn't [s]life threating[/s] life-threatening.

"The Window!" she yelled, picking off as many security bots as she could, [no comma] once they realized they had an escape route. O'Connell slashed savagely at the robots, Gideon cracking the window. After the third swing, and ten or eleven guards killed, the window smashed open, [period instead] [s]at first[/s] small shards of glass scattered everywhere, but as the sword absorbed the [s]glasses[/s] glass's energy, the glass turned [s]back[/s] into sand. Gideon jumped out, followed by Cameron, Terrence, and [s]lastly[/s] O'Connell. Gideon hit the ground hard, and sprinted off, pain searing up his left leg. Each of them followed him, moving quickly.

Underlined: In the last sentence of the previous paragraph, you mention the window, and it sounds redundant having Cameron repeat that. I'd either adjust the sentence in the previous paragraph or fix her dialogue so it doesn't contain this phrase. In fact, you could probably make do without it.

Italics: You probably see it, but the two sentences are back-to-back and both start with Gideon. It's one of those annoying deja vus people get, lol. Let's fix that, yes?

"C'mon! [comma instead] Gideon! They'll have the Nova Units on us in less than a few minutes. [comma instead]" [Close up pragraph break] O'Connell said. [no period] [s]As[/s] as he ran past him.

"I think-" Gideon [s]said,[/s] winced as the pain [s]searing[/s] seared [s]up[/s] his leg. "-I sprained my ankle [s]of something[/s]." [s]Gideon said rushing himself[/s] rushed after everyone else. He turned back to look at the hospital and [s]were[/s] was surprised to find, [no comma] Novas [s]were[/s] already scurrying after him. There had to be at least ten of them!

This can use a lot more suspense. Gideon was left behind! And this only lasts a paragraph and a few lines. This can definitely be extended into a more dramatic scene.

He turned around, his blade at the ready. So much for being a team, he thought, [period instead] [s]they've[/s] They've left me to die.

He slashed at the approaching bots, readying himself for the near-certain doom approaching. Arrows whizzed overhead, burying themselves deep in the Novas, sending them squirming and screaming. O'Connell rushed by screaming, blade at the ready and taking out two more of the beasts. Gideon stabbed a coupled rushing right at him.

"C`mon, Gideon! [s]you[/s] You didn't think we were going to leave you to die, did you?" Cameron said, dispatching an arrow into a [s]novas[/s] Nova's head, [no comma] and sending it squirming, sparks flying from its body.

Action

I can use a lot more of action. Not necessarily description, but action. When they're fighting -- strategies, swords, moves, swings, kills, wounds, dodges, parries, etc. I love reading fighting scenes, and sci-fi can be filled with it. Your story can definitely be filled with fighting scenes. You just have to dwell on them. Describe how they fight. I'd love to know!

Rating

"Fuck you." O'Connell said, under his breath, receiving a quick elbow in the ribs from Terrence.

Underlined: This part must be rated R because of the F-Bomb. Put it in your summary beneath the title of the post so you won't scare too many people off. Use of foul language kind of notice. *shrug* But it must be rated R.

Tags

Keep in mind that you don't need a tag after every single quote. That gets distracting and frustrates the reader. I typed up examples in the previous chapter's critiques, but watch out for that. The reader's smart enough to follow along. Each paragraph has a main subject until it clearly switches off to another subject. This paragraph is mainly from Cameron's point of view, so a tag is not always necessary after what she says every time.

"Put the gun down!" shouted the officer.

"Don't you dare shoot me!" the criminal screamed, his gun shaking in his grip.

"Put the gun down and no one gets hurt!" the officer repeated.

"I'm telling you! I'll shoot!"

"Put the gun down!"

"You put it down!"

A gunshot sounded in the still air and the officer dropped dead. The criminal stood there, taking shaky breaths before he dropped his hands. "Told ya," he muttered before running off into the night.

See? Didn't need a tag after each quote, especially if they're short. Or here's another example:

"Don't you dare shoot me!" the criminal shouted. The officer didn't respond to the man's request, and the criminal's face scrunched up even more. "Put down the gun, man!"

The criminal was shaking fiercely, his nerves acting up. Beads of sweat appeared on the officer's forehead as well.

"Put the gun down," the officer warned as gently as he could.

"You put it down!"

"Put it down--"

A gunshot sounded and the officer dropped dead.

Notice how I didn't combine the first two paragraphs. You basically did that in many areas of your writing, whether it be here or in another part. I usually put my quotes in the beginning and end of paragraphs if there's to be sentences of description or action in between. That's my basic rule, though there are exceptions.

Overall

I think you're improving as I read. I didn't find the adverbs as distracting this time 'round. I'll post the next crits up when I can. I'm busy the next few days, but hopefully I'll get 'round to it.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

hehe, mine isnt going to be half as long as all the rest =]

I didn't have the concentration span, and can barely pick up the screw ups in my work, let alone someone else ^.^

Some bits confused me, but overall its a promising story.

I would've liked some more infromation, maybe about the rebels, the girl Ida and why she was in there or some background information the characters, or where you creating mysteries about them?

The idea with the rebel's is one which is used quite frequently but if you have a good story line behind it, you can pull it off without seeming like your ripping off another author, and i think you've got one here,

I shall be reading the rest, but this is good, i hope the others are like this if not better =]

Eva XxXxX