Young Writers Society

I know that I'm still working on Stars, but after reading a few Sci-Fi stories on here, I've been intrigued to do one. So here it is. This is the prologue of sorts of The Utopian Dream. Enjoy.

The Utopian Dream

The Broadcast


She strode to the red armchair, listening to the thunderous applause roaring to greet her. Katie Benson was sitting in the chair opposite of her, her calm hands placed in her lap. Katie was wearing a grin, flashing her white teeth modestly. Her brown hair was wispy and light, bouncing carelessly from side to side.

When she reached her chair, the applause slowly died into anticipation. It was like the beginning of a rainstorm when you felt the anxiety for the first drop. Waiting…

Waiting for Utopia.

“Welcome to Good Morning New York City. It’s so nice for you to join us,” Katie recited, her light blue eyes dancing in the bright camera lights.

“It’s good to be here,” she said, and looked for the first time into the audience. Their faces were dark in the almost non-existent light. Everything was focused on her.

“This, ladies and gentleman, is Kristine Baptiste. She is the co founder of the New York Waterworks Foundation, (NYWF), and she is here to tell us about their new “Utopian Dream.”

More applause broke out. Kristine beamed. When it died down, she began.

“The “Utopian Dream” is a complex plan designed around New York’s waterworks. Recent studies have shown that sewer hasn’t been filtered properly, allowing the waste to contaminate our canals and waterways. This is especially dangerous because the chemicals in the waste can and will poison us. That is why there have been notices placed around canals and such informing us that we are not to use the water.”

Kristine took a breath as Katie interrupted.

“Do you know why the sewage hasn’t been filtered?”

“Yes,” Kristine said and gulped air. “The recent fire that originated in the National Library of Congress engulfed quite a lot of buildings, jeopardizing hundreds of lives. In the process, it managed to reach our building and destroyed quite a lot of essential equipment to filter the sewage water. Our workers have been put to task trying to restore everything, but the damage is done.”

Katie nodded and said, “So the water is contaminated because the fire destroyed the filters?”

“Uh huh.”

“Is NYWF taking the blame for it, then?”

There was a moment’s pause. Kristine stared into Katie’s eyes as if taunting her.

“No. It wasn’t our fault. The fire damaged our equipment.”

“Oh, I see,” Katie said and then looked at her mug of coffee she was holding. She stirred it with a spoon and didn’t look back up.

“So, the NYWF is creating a chemical solution that will alter the water in New York City forever. It’s called hydrocholorastic benzyte. It breaks down compounds in the liquid that could be potentially dangerous for us to consume. You see, if we mix this with our water it would destroy anything that could harm us.”

Katie Benson stared blankly back at the life-changing scientist.

“If you realize what we’ve created, you’d see that we could save lives. We could clean water forever. All of those horrible lakes in Africa and third-world countries could be saved by this one element of science.”

Finishing up her agenda of things to tell the world, she stated, “Help us. Help us save the world and build a better one. Help us build Utopia.”

Uh... This sort of seemed like a normal conversation. Nothing really exciting about it... Also, in the beginning, you kept saying the word light so much. Try to use a synonym if you can.

I think it was an okay start. I hope it gets more exciting though. ^^

This is really quite a good start, and introduces what I'm guessing is going to be the main plotline for the story well. there ae a few things though that could help it grab the readers attention.

“Welcome to Good Morning New York City. It’s so nice for you to join us,” Katie recited, her light blue eyes dancing in the bright camera lights.

Kitty's already said about this, but I'll give you a suggestion. try: Her bright blue eyes dancing in the dazzling camera lights. This also loses some of the alliteration, which doesn't seem appropriate here.

I don't like the fact that it takes so long to tell us Kristine's name. The first intro doesn't need it but after the italics it starts to get annoying not knowing. To appease that try adding her name to Katie's first sentance. e.g: “Welcome to Good Morning New York City, Kristine. It’s so nice for you to join us,” then: “It’s good to be here,” Kristine said, and looked for the first time... This makes it easier to read.

Recent studies have shown that the sewer hasn’t been filtered properly,

Simple Grammar.

I'm assuming this is supposed to be from Kristine's POV as that's who it starts with, but you need to show it more clearly. If she is going to be a main charactor then you need to develop her into someone that the reader can understand. You can do this by showing her thoughts and feelings more. How does she feel about the audience? Katie? The reactions show her charactor and charactor makes the reader nterested.

It’s called hydrocholorastic benzyte.

Nice! That's what I love about science fiction you actually have to relate the main plot to real things. I'm glad that you've connected it to chlorine the most common water cleaner. Very good.

i know it may sound like I'm being mean and don't like it, but that's not true, I actually really enjoyed it, and there were some really good moments. The intro especially! But there are also many things that need cleaning up, if this is the first draft then that makes sense, so don't worry, just take these things on and use them and you should get a better result. Remember you're trying to impress the reader and draw them in with this first part.

“Yes,” Kristine said and gulped air.

I don't like this. Before now you were making her seam like a calm, collected, intellectual being, but when you say 'gulped' I naturally imagine her suck in a huge breath with her mouth in the shape of an 'o'. If you asked me, gulped shouldn't be used for situations like this.

“Uh huh.”

This isn't that big of a deal, but I think it would be more proper for her to say something like "Yes, that's correct." She is a scientist or something, right? Saying "Uh huh" doesn't sound very intelligent.

Other than that, pretty cool. The descriptions and dialogs were good, but the only thing I thought was weird was the whole utopia thing. The definition of utopia is 'A place in which social, legal, and political justice and perfect harmony exist.' So..... What's that have to do with water? Anyway, I'll read the next part, because you've peaked my interest. We'll see if the name makes more sense after that.

She strode to the red armchair, listening to the thunderous applause roaring to greet her. Katie Benson was sitting in the chair opposite of her, her calm hands placed in her lap. Katie was wearing a grin, flashing her white teeth modestly. Her brown hair was wispy and light, bouncing carelessly from side to side.

When she reached her chair, the applause slowly died into anticipation. It was like the beginning of a rainstorm when you felt the anxiety for the first drop. Waiting…

Waiting for Utopia.

“Welcome to Good Morning New York City. It’s so nice for you to join us,” Katie recited, her light blue eyes dancing in the bright camera lights.

“It’s good to be here,” she said, and looked for the first time into the audience. Their faces were dark in the almost non-existent light. Everything was focused on her.

“This, ladies and gentleman, is Kristine Baptiste. She is the co founder of the New York Waterworks Foundation, (NYWF), and she is here to tell us about their new “Utopian Dream.”

More applause broke out. Kristine beamed. When it died down, she began.

“The “Utopian Dream” is a complex plan designed around New York’s waterworks. Recent studies have shown that sewer hasn’t been filtered properly, allowing the waste to contaminate our canals and waterways. This is especially dangerous because the chemicals in the waste can and will poison us. That is why there have been notices placed around canals and such informing us that we are not to use the water.”

Kristine took a breath as Katie interrupted.

“Do you know why the sewage hasn’t been filtered?”

“Yes,” Kristine said and gulped air. “The recent fire that originated in the National Library of Congress engulfed quite a lot of buildings, jeopardizing hundreds of lives. In the process, it managed to reach our building and destroyed quite a lot of essential equipment to filter the sewage water. Our workers have been put to task trying to restore everything, but the damage is done.”

Katie nodded and said, “So the water is contaminated because the fire destroyed the filters?”

“Uh huh.”

“Is NYWF taking the blame for it, then?”

There was a moment’s pause. Kristine stared into Katie’s eyes as if taunting her.

“No. It wasn’t our fault. The fire damaged our equipment.”

“Oh, I see,” Katie said and then looked at her mug of coffee she was holding. She stirred it with a spoon and didn’t look back up.

“So, the NYWF is creating a chemical solution that will alter the water in New York City forever. It’s called hydrocholorastic benzyte. It breaks down compounds in the liquid that could be potentially dangerous for us to consume. You see, if we mix this with our water it would destroy anything that could harm us.”

Katie Benson stared blankly back at the life-changing scientist.

“If you realize what we’ve created, you’d see that we could save lives. We could clean water forever. All of those horrible lakes in Africa and third-world countries could be saved by this one element of science.”

Finishing up her agenda of things to tell the world, she stated, “Help us. Help us save the world and build a better one. Help us build Utopia.”