Young Writers Society

Chapter One: SAINT_SORROW

the proGram is the hEarT Of this all, yoU have To believe me, i Wouldn't lie to you. sometHing terrIble is Likely to happEn to You befOre sUnset. Call me lAter oN if you figure this out.

Yoko read the note and sighed, another one of Akira's pranks.
"Baka..." She muttered, stuffing the paper into her pocket and taking a sip of her bottled green tea.
The train car rocked gently as they banked a corner in the rails and turning towards Shibuya, the heart of Tokyo's shopping and entertainment.
"Heart? Damn you, 'Kira." She whispered, a small smile playing her lips.
Yoko found her own heart skipping a beat as she stepped out onto the streets of Shibuya, the Hachiko statue stood nearby, the Hachiko Exit of the station was just behind her.
Before her lay a large intersection, famous for the neon advertisements and the large screen, but today was different.
The largest screen shone a message for her, a personal message:

YokO, pUt your HAnds Vertical to your hEart and Tell yOuRself
the trUth about last Night.

"Damn it, what is he playing at?" Yoko snarled, snapping open her cell-phone and punching in speed-dial 7.

CALLING AKIRA...

"Yoko, did you figure it out?"
"'Kira, what the hell do you want? Why are you leaving these messages?" Yoko hissed, looking about the street furiously, half expecting him to be standing there with her.
"Yoko! Damn it, you ruined everything." Akira exclaimed.
The line went dead.

This was good. It's a bit confusing and short. more detail will set the stage for the reader. But I liked it. XD

This sounds very interesting. A bit short, so I can't do a big crit or anything... but I like it.

~Timea

Incomplete is a good word to describe this piece.

In my opinion, you should write more, so that the characters and general setting become more clear to the reader before posting the story. As is, we have a mere blurb of a story, no more. If you have more to post, do so. If not, then I suggest you get on it; this has the makings of an interesting piece.

Right now, you tell us that this is Tokyo in the title, but we have no other hints that this is even in Japan; set the scene for us.

--King

Hey, Akira! Welcome to YWS. Before you get settled in posting stuff, you'll want to do some reviews, just so people don't eat you and other nasty things like that. Critiquing is hard, but it goes a long way to improving your writing and making some friends around the site.

This is a really interesting story--I don't know a whole lot about the characters yet, but the situation that you've set up is cool enough to sustain that. However, if you're going to set a story in a foreign country, you have to work really hard to make sure that the characters act their culture and the setting is done properly. Lucky for you, Tokyo is pretty much my favorite place in the whole entire world, so...

the proGram is the hEarT Of this all, yoU have To believe me, i Wouldn't lie to you. sometHing terrIble is Likely to happEn to You befOre sUnset. Call me lAter oN if you figure this out.

This would be really, really cool--if the characters spoke English. But since they're in Japan and have Japanese names, I'm assuming they're Japanese-literate, which means that they have about 2,000 kanji and 80 hiragana/katakana to piece together to make that sentence: このプログラムは　中心　です。信じたのほうがいいです。嘘を吐くない。日没のまえで...
You get the idea. In that sentence, I used 28 different characters--that's more than the English alphabet contains. It'd be like trying to find one of every letter in sizable newsprint, except with many, many more possibilities and combinations.

Solution? Have a typed message. It's easier to describe and a lot more plausible.

"Baka..." She muttered, stuffing the paper into her pocket and taking a sip of her bottled green tea.

1) Drinking things on the train is a no-no, mainly because there really is no room to clean it up if you spill.

2) Nihongo o' wakarimasuka? Most Americans don't. Have you characters speak English as much as possible unless you're willing to write it all in Japanese, which would be really weird. XD If it's a symbolic phrase or culturally unique (I use the phrase "if Allah wills it" directly in Arabic, just because it's something that mainly Arabic-speaking people would say). If it's just a mundane descriptor, translate, kudasai.

Yoko found her own heart skipping a beat as she stepped out onto the streets of Shibuya, the Hachiko statue stood nearby, the Hachiko Exit of the station was just behind her.
Before her lay a large intersection, famous for the neon advertisements and the large screen, but today was different.

It depends. If you're a teenager, Harajuku (mostly Takeshita-dori, but Harajuku in general) is probably the foremost. If you're an anime nerd, you'd probably head to Akihabara. I'm not certain how far away Akihabara is from Shibuya-eki, but Takeshita-dori is about a half hour away on foot.

Near Shibuya-eki, the road doesn't really exist. The intersection out front is the busiest intersection in the world--if you're an American, you definitely have size advantage when trying to cross.

___

Good story, Akira! PM me if you have any questions or if you put the next part up. ^_^ I'd love to answer any questions about Japan that you have, in particular, because it's rather a daunting culture.

Whoa! O_O
Ahah, well, firstly I'd like to thank everyone for the feedback!
I'm sorry the piece was so short, I didn't think anyone would actually read it, so I was hoping to just edit the same post and extend it.
I was drafting it in class today, so prepare for an overhaul.
I realized that Japan was a weak setting at the moment, since I've been only once and have little knowledge.

I realize how short the text was, and I intend to extend it and pretty much re-write it, so just watch out for it!

Thankyou all so much for the help!

-Akira.


Ps: Did anyone actually figure out the secrets that Akira hid in the notes to Yoko?

Ps: Did anyone actually figure out the secrets that Akira hid in the notes to Yoko?

Of course. The capital letters in the messages stand out like hippies in a Slipknot concert. They are almost too blatant to be a secret message, one might think.

Looking forward to your revision. If you think about it, PM me when you post it.

--King