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Wasteland: Prologue



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Gender: Male
Points: 1990
Reviews: 254
Mon May 12, 2008 5:13 am
mikedb1492 says...



Hello everyone. This is the prologue to my story wasteland, where the world's largest particle accelerator malfunctions and creates a hell on earth for the generations to come.

Prologue:

Lenard knew that what he was doing could destroy everything he ever knew and loved. He’d known it for a long time, and yet he’d still gone on. ‘For the sake of science’ was what he always told himself. But he was beginning to wonder if he’d taken it too far.

The control room was buzzing with activity as the large collection of scientists worked at their computers. They’d been awake for three days strait in preparation, and Styrofoam cups with remains of coffee at the bottom littered their work areas. Lenard was positioned at the center of the room, behind the main control panel. On it were gauges for measuring the magnets’ power output levels, controls for the experiment’s many functions, and, right in front of him, a glass casing that was bound by hinges. In minutes time he’d flip it open and insert the master key, starting the experiment.

“Sir,” said Anderson, the scientist on Lenard’s left. He was just taking his hands away from the diagnostic computer’s keyboard. “As you’d asked, I once again checked all the systems for abnormalities.”

“And?” Lenard asked.

“Just like the first and second checks, nothing dangerous was found.”

He swore under his breath. He’d been hoping that something, anything was wrong so that they could postpone the experiment.

“Not to tell you how to do your job, sir,” said Anderson in an annoyed tone. “But the longer you delay, the more money is wasted. We need to continue.”

Lenard looked down to the key he held. Was he wielding the tool that would lead to the destruction of the world?

“Sir, we must proceed.”

Lenard hesitantly nodded and then reached for the glass case. He knew that if he didn’t do this, someone else would. It was beyond his power. The only choice he had was deciding if it was to be him or some other poor soul. He flipped open the glass casing, exposing the keyhole.

Anderson put on his headset and spoke into its microphone, “Operation Atom Smasher will commence in three…”

Lenard inserted the key.

“Two.”

He twisted the key and put his finger over the activation button.

“One.”

“For science,” Lenard muttered as he initiated the activation.

A distant, but audible, hum vibrated throughout the underground facility as the systematically placed, magnetic leviathans were fed their power. The control panel’s screen filled with experimental readings and showed the progression of the magnets’ charging. They were rising at a constant pace and would soon be full.

Lenard pictured the process that was about to happen. Far below was a tunnel with a special pipe that curved for miles upon miles until both of its ends met. The magnets, once fully charged, would send particles flying down the pipe at nearly the speed of light in opposite directions, dooming them to collide together. Once that happens, energies that hadn’t existed since moments after the big bang would be produced, shedding light on some of the biggest mysteries of the universe. There was even a chance that a black hole would be produced.

Black holes were the reason for his fear. Theories got out to the public about how this experiment could produce one that may destroy the entire earth. Even though the numbers stated it as a possibility, the countries involved in the experiment reassured the press and public that such things were completely improbable. If only that were true.

“Magnets fully charged,” Anderson droned into his headset. “Experiment progressing to stage two.”

The hum grew louder and the magnetism was noticeable in the air. Everyone was twitching uncomfortably, trying to keep their attention on the computer monitors.

The control panel’s screen showed a diagram of the particle detector and its center, which was where the particles were to collide. Readings about the collisions happened too fast to read, so instead of being shown, they were stored in the master computer’s memory banks for later revising.

Lenard’s hands started to sweat even though everything was working as planned. He didn’t think it was possible for him to calm down until after the whole thing was shut down. Until then, though, he had to put up with it.

“Experiment nearing completion,” Anderson said after an hour of continuous paranoia. Soon the whole ordeal would be over and they could all relax. Lenard would be able to retire, and his name would be put into the history books, or so his government had promised.

“Experiment ending in five… four… three… two…”

The warning siren suddenly blared in Lenard’s ears and every computer monitor flashed red. The control panel’s screen was covered with numerous pop ups depicting the words ‘Error’, ‘Malfunction’, and ‘Abort Now.’ The room filled with the shouts of the scientists as they tried to find out what was happening. Orders flew back and forth, but no one knew what to do. They searched blindly through their computers, hoping to find the source of this calamity.

“Damn it, what’s happening!” Lenard yelled. He looked to his fellow scientists in hopes of an answer, but they yielded none. Hoping to at least buy time, he grabbed the master key and ripped it from control panel for a manual shutdown. The magnets’ hum quickly died away, but problems were still arising.

“Anderson!” Lenard barked. “Bring up every camera feed we have for the tunnel and detector!” He was trying his best to keep his cool, but with what was at stake it was nearly impossible.

“I’ve got it,” Anderson said as the screen filled with all the different feeds. None of the cameras picked up any movement, but there had to be a problem somewhere. He just had to watch.

After a solid minute, he saw a quick, jerky movement come from the screen depicting the particle detector, but it ceased before he could figure out what it had been.

“Anderson, fill the screen with the detector’s feed.”

The control panel’s screen blacked out for a moment, then came back filled with a visual of the particle detector. With the enlarged picture, it was painfully obvious what had happened. The detector had dented inward.

“Good God,” Lenard muttered, realizing that his fears had come true.

The detector suddenly collapsed into nothingness and the air around it began to bend inward. Equipment from the walls were ripped away and swallowed by the unseen force, feeding it, making it grow. The camera began to sway, giving in to the gravitational power. Lenard swore, realizing that if they lost the feed, they’d lose their only visual of the threat.

The camera stretched towards the black hole but stayed mounted to the wall, although, some of the wires must have been frayed since it was now recording in black and white. It then jerked forward and was about to break away and fly into the void, when all of a sudden it went slack.

Lenard sighed in relief, but quickly realized the significance of what was happening.

He stood up and looked closely at the screen. Anderson, picking up on his actions, zoomed in until the nearly visible black hole filled the screen. It looked as if the gravitational force was still acting on the surrounding area, but at a much weaker level. “What is this?” Lenard said quietly. All they knew about black holes, which was little, went against everything that was happening.

“Sir,” Anderson said, pointing at the center of the screen.

“What?” He was slightly concerned, because he could have sworn he’d heard fear in his voice.

“S-something is coming out of it.”
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  





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Reviews: 5
Mon May 12, 2008 2:46 pm
Teoffany says...



The beginning immediately threw me off. Instead of showing me Lenard's apprehension about what he's doing, you tell me about it, and lose a critical opportunity to build your character's personality.

I was disappointed with the beginning, so I went to the rest of the prologue not expecting too much, and was pleasantly suprised. Your dialogue is natural and you build some tension. The science is pretty sound, too. I'm not completely familiar with the physics, but I have read some books on the matter.

Throughout the piece, I thought the main issue was you kept telling me things. You told me how Lenard felt, that the experiment was working (you should be able to show the latter through prose or dialogue) and I wished I could get deeper into Lenard's psyche.

When the experiment went awry, you could have described the chaos a lot better. You summarized it. Draw it out just a little. Play it. Build some tension and compel your reader to go on because s/he has to know what's going to happen.

You tell me how Lenard tries to solve the problem. I think that should be drawn out more as a scene.

Overall, it's a decent prologue. I'd probaly give it one more chapter before I decided whether I'd keep reading or put it down. Your characterization and dialogue is solid. I thought the setting could be just a bit more detailed and the show v tell problems need to be addressed.
  





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Mon May 12, 2008 4:29 pm
deleted6 says...



Your major problem here is making sure puntuation and grammar are sound. You very often mispell words, making it less coigizant. As Teoffany pointed out, telling against showing is one of your base problems. The science seems reasonably, but I'm no expert with that, it seems very bland action wise. Because the actions are fed to us, rather than shown or illustrated. The chaos very weak and quite boring. It's also a very cliche theme, especially him panicking that it will mess up.

Overall: Proof-read and try show not tell.

Good luck
VSN
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We are the ink, we are the quill.
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Mon May 12, 2008 6:51 pm
mizz-iceberg says...



Hello! I loved this and didn't any striking problem with it.

Few Nitpicks:

The control room was buzzing with activity as the large collection of scientists worked at their computers. They’d been awake for three days strait in preparation, and Styrofoam cups with remains of coffee at the bottom littered their work areas.


-It should be straight, not 'strait'.


. Lenard was positioned at the center of the room, behind the main control panel. On it were gauges for measuring the magnets’ power output levels, controls for the experiment’s many functions, and, right in front of him, a glass casing that was bound by hinges. In minutes time he’d flip it open and insert the master key, starting the experiment.

-There are actually unnecessary comma's in that sentence:

OVERALL:

I really liked this piece, though I think it would be even better if you show us Lenard's surroundings more. Show us the relationship between each scientist. Show us their anticipation and worry as well instead of telling us about it.

That's pretty much all you have to work out in this story. Other than that, no problems and carry on writing! :D
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
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Gender: Male
Points: 1990
Reviews: 254
Fri May 16, 2008 4:39 am
mikedb1492 says...



Thanks for the reviews everyone.

Yah, I had a bad feeling about that beginning. I knew that this prologue had little or no action, so I wanted to somehow make the reader curious enough to continue, but I guess it did just the opposite.

I've also been told multiple times about my spelling, but my spell check just won't pick it up. I'll have to pay more attention to that.

Thanks for the complement on the dialog. That's one of the main things I try and make myself do right, since I find it very important. I guess I've just got to put that effort into the other stuff as well.

I guess I never really thought about the telling thing when writing this. It's the first sci fie I've written that needs the explaining of technology. I usually write adventure stories and such, so it's a little new to me, but I'm sure I can work it out.

Anyway, I've got a lot of work to do. I'm probably going to redo this entire prologue and may even change the personalities of a few characters since they never appear again in the story, so it doesn't matter much. I'll describe the area more, get more into the psyche, or so I hope. And the action will be coming a long in chapter one as soon as I get the plot outline completely done.

Thanks for everything. I've got to get to work.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  








Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
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