Young Writers Society

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"Cleaning time!" a young girl sang, her hands above her head as many robots detached from the wall and hovered around the room. One had a funny looking broom and pan and was within a cloud of dust as the broom swept back and forth.
Another had an extra small washing machine in its base. It could stuff twice its size of clothes into it. As it looked it did. The clothes were quickly done washing, and were passed to the dryer. Then to the folder. It made neat creases in her shirts, shorts and skirts and finally her clothes were tossed neatly into her drawers.
In minutes her once strewn room was clean again. She was thirteen and very messy. She was happy and content with her spoiled life of the future. Matter of fact she was one of the less spoiled ones.

/\/\
“Jessie Hawkins. Age thirteen. Family: lower-class, middle. Less spoiled, easier to deal with.” A computer buzzed to a man in a chair. Now this chair was important. It was the chair.
“Yes, but her personality. Would she handle it?” He asked, running his hand over his mustache. It was a habit of his when his computer discussed with him the subject of this.
“Possibly. She might have a breakdown but she would deal with it better than anyone else.”
“Have we caught hold of our ‘past’ friend?” He asked.
“Yes. Young and misunderstanding the boy is, but he’ll do.”
The man smiled. Good.

--_________--
“Jimmy Right?” The teacher called.
“Please, call me J.R.” A boy said taking a bow from his seat.
“Okay, J.R. then.” The teacher continued her attendance check.
J.R.’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He rolled his eyes and put his finger to his lips, signaling his buddy beside him to keep quiet as he pulled out the red and black new phone. He flipped his phone open and it showed a new text message:
Boy,
When can
You be ready
For the transfer?
He typed fast as not to get caught by the teacher.
2:45
-end of school
I’ll be ready.
He shut his phone. Thoughts of recent text messages from the man on the other side raced through his mind. He was all into future developments and all and this man was too. But why was the man into future development? Was it his job? And who was the transfer going to be? He was never informed of that information.

@
“Jessie Hawkins!” The hologram called.
“Yes ma’am?” The young girl asked, looking up from her project. It was almost finished.. Her partner could finish the rest, since if a student’s name was called you were to go somewhere. Everyone knew that.
She stood and brushed herself off. Her long brown hair lay against her back, flat as a piece of paper.
“Room three forty.”
“Yes ma’am.” She strode out the door and down the hall ways. Everything was quiet, as usual. Every wall was sound proof, as not to disturb anyone with the crazy classes that were housed in each room.
Three forty. Here it was. This was the main room. It only housed one man and a talking computer. She pushed the door open and walked in, curiously.
“Jessie Hawkins?” An electronic voice asked in the distance.
“Yes?” She asked back.

/\/\
“Age thirteen, right?” The man asked. His robotic chair snaking into her view.
“Yes sir.”
“Good. I have a mission for you.”
“I shall try my best sir.” She said lowering her head to him. It was disrespectful not to. Any kid could have been chosen and she knew that. It was an honor to go on a mission. Most never came back though.
“Raise your head child.” The man said. “I should be honored. You are such a kind and thoughtful young lady and yet you take the mission anyways.” He said. His hand went back up to his mustache again.
“Yes sir.” She said moving her head to look back into his dark blue eyes.

--_________--
“Two forty-five.” J.R. mumbled to himself as he looked at his watch. Right then his pocket buzzed at him. He flipped his phone open. Watch out, message read. What did that mean?
Suddenly his phone glowed brightly as he stood in the alley. He dropped it and out rushed a shape that collided with him. Both him and what ever had come out fell to the dusty ground.
He opened his eyes to find a mess of long brown hair in his face. Hands were on his chest. He pulled the hair out of his face and minty breath filled his nose as he looked up into liquid blue eyes. It was a girl. He stared at her eyes a second in astonishment.
Was she supposed to come out of his phone?
“Sorry.” She said getting up and dusting herself off. Her clothes looked advanced. They almost looked like a suit of some kind.
“How… Who are you?!” He finally said with confusion.
The girl looked at him shocked.

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“Cleaning time!” A young girl sang, her hands above her head as robots of many detached form the wall and hovered around the room.

That was difficult to read! Anyway, let me help you.

"Cleaning time!" a young girl sang, her hands above her head as many robots detached from the wall and hovered around the room.

One had a funny looking broom and dust pan and was within a cloud of dust as the broom swept back and forth, [s]back and forth[/s].

You have the word 'dust' too close together.

Another had an extra small washing machine in it’s base and stuffed twice it’s size into it.

Okay, you seem to have some sentence structures. I really don't want to go through every single sentence and correct it - that's the authors job. I'm just going to show you what needs to be corrected.

Read the quoted sentence above. It's weird, right? You wouldn't say it like that. How about this?

Another had an extra small washing machine in its base. It could stuff twice its size of clothes into it.

But even that sentence needs a lot of help.

The clothes were quickly done [s]and being wet[/s] washing, and were passed to the dryer. [s]one[/s]. Then to the folder. It made neat creases in her shirts, shorts and skirts and [s]then[/s]finally her clothes were tossed neatly [s]not[/s]into her drawers.

Wow. There were a lot of errors in that. Just patch it up with those.

Thirteen she was and very messy.

Um... what? How about She was thirteen and very messy. ?

Now this chair was important. It was the chair.

Any reason why these are underlined? Italics work just as fine.

“[s]Possible[/s] Possibly. She might have a breakdown but she would deal with it better than anyone else.”[/quote]

“Yes. Young and misunderstanding the boy is but he’ll do.”

This robot is talking like Yoda. Haha.

He rolled his eyes and put his figure to his lips,

Um.. figure? How about finger?

OVERALL COMMENTS:

This was okay. It was pretty good for a 13 year old. There were a lot of grammar mistakes which you can find, along with a lot of spelling mistakes. I'm a little short on time, so here I go.

Read your story out loud. Yes, you. Read it. Now go and read your favorite book's first page.

What one sounds a little smoother? The published book, no doubt. Our goal here is to make you like a published author. What you need to focus on here is sentence structure. Right now it's not all that great. But you can do better.

Look at the corrections that I made, and then go through your story again. Read everything out loud. If it doesn't sound natural to the ear, then change it. Mark it with a bright color (preferably red) so you can come back the next day and change it.

I believe that you can make this really good. You have a good idea so far, so keep with it, 'kay bud?

Keep writing.

-Jared

That was very good Amber; I enjoyed reading the portion of it that you had finished. About the title, currently, Meeting Future Girl fits perfectly with it. Because none of us, the readers, know what the "mission" is yet, I do not believe Mission "Past" works very well. (That being said, as your story unfolds, Mission "Past" may become the better title for the book.)

Now for the fun part. As I was reading your story, I noticed some mistakes. (Just as a note, don't feel offended, I am not the nicest review, I try not to let mistakes fly, no matter how many there are.)

It made neat creases in her shirts, shorts and skirts and then her clothes were tossed neatly not her drawers.

I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Maybe you mean "...tossed neatly into her drawers."?

Now this chair was important. It was the chair.

Ummm... I'm not sure what you mean here. Why is the chair so important? What about the chair?

Young and misunderstanding the boy is but he’ll do.

It should be, "Young and misunderstanding the boy is, but he'll do." (Because you have two complete thoughts.)

He flipped the thing open and it showed a new text message:

I'm sure you can find a better word to call the cell phone than "thing".

Thoughts of recent text from the man on the other side raced through his mind.

Was there more than one "text"? If so then you need to add a "s" onto the word text. If not, you need to "the" between "of" and "recent".

But why was the man?

Why was the man? Why was he what? I'm confused...

And who was the transfer going to be?

Who? This sentence does not make any sense to me. Possibly because of the word "transfer". Transfer is a verb, I think here, it is being used as a noun.

Her partner could finish the rest, since if a student’s name was called you were to go somewhere.

Maybe it is just me, but I think this sentence is rewritable. Maybe she should turn to her lab partner and ask the lab partner to finish it for her, because she is going to have to go somewhere.

Every wall was sound proof, as not to disturb anyone with the crazy classes that were housed in each rom

Try not to forget to check your spelling. "Rom" here should be "room".

“Raise your head child.” The man said. “I should be honored.

Wait... I thought to lower your head was a sign of respect. Why then does he tell Jessie to raise it that he should be honored.

Alright. That is all of the ones I've caught. And if you look up at them, it looks like a lot, but really it isn't. A lot of them were simple mistakes that everyone does at one point in time or another. But overall, I liked your story. There is definitely room for improvement, and I look forward to coming back and reading the rest of your story. If you have any questions feel free to PM me to ask. Keep up the great work!

~Daniel

I think it was great! Although it looks like you seriosly rushed it because there are plenty of speeling mitsakes. You should always press Check Spelling before you post, or write it in word.

Now this chair was important. It was the chair.

Two things in this. Why undelined? Italics is fine for this. Why is this the chair? What makes it so important?

He finally pulled out of himself.

Pulled out of himself? I think something like: "He finally pulled himself together" might be better.

Some of it is a bit confusing in the way you jump from place to place.

I won't bother with spellings because they aren't overly important.
It's funny how I just happend to stumble across one of your peices!
I must say again I think it was great. I say that you have a great idea and I think that you should carry on with it.

Nats

Thanks. I finished the fixing part. I probable do need to go back and revise again.

Thanks again,
-Amber

"Cleaning time!" a young girl sang, her hands above her head as many robots detached from the wall and hovered around the room.

Seems strange to me that she would be "singing" this.

In minutes her once strewn room was clean again. She was thirteen and very messy. She was happy and content with her spoiled life of the future. Matter of fact she was one of the less spoiled ones.

Show--don't tell. That goes for the rest of the story as well.

Now this chair was important.

Take out "Now."

“Have we caught hold of our ‘past’ friend?” He asked.

Watch your dialogue. During the whole story you capitalize the speaker and don't use commas when necessary.

“Jimmy Right?” The teacher called.

Use the word "said" more than any others. Like this one--change "called" to "said."

He rolled his eyes and put his finger to his lips, signaling his buddy beside him to keep quiet as he pulled out the red and black new phone. He flipped his phone open and it showed a new text message

Another instance of telling, not showing...fix it.

“Yes?” She asked back.

/\/\
“Age thirteen, right?” The man asked. His robotic chair snaking into her view.

I don't know why there's a break here. I think with an additional sentence you could put the two together.

Both ham and what ever had come out fell to the dusty ground.

"Ham" should be "him." And where is he again that the ground would be dusty?

----
You have quite a few errors besides those; you just need to go through the whole thing with a more editing focused mind. As mentioned before, reading aloud helps...a lot.
You need more description that isn't telling outright what something is or what something is exactly going on.
This plot is borderline cliche, but I think if you fix up your writing and the plot a little you can have one nice story.

"Cleaning time!" a young girl sang, her hands above her head as many robots detached from the wall and hovered around the room.

Seems strange to me that she would be "singing" this.

Yes she sang this.

“Yes?” She asked back.

/\/\
“Age thirteen, right?” The man asked. His robotic chair snaking into her view.

I don't know why there's a break here. I think with an additional sentence you could put the two together.

No, because it's two diffrent people if you pay any attention to the text and the funny breaks like:@, /\/\, and --_________--