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Think (chapter two)



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Sun Jun 29, 2008 3:38 am
RoryLegend says...



Chapter Two
I walked into the Jacob Burns Law Library and smiled. I didn’t come for the books, I had brought my own. No, I came for the silence. There weren’t many people in the library; classes didn’t start for another two weeks. I made my way to the back picking up a few thoughts from some readers that were just the lines from the books they had opened in front of them. I sat down at the end of the stacks and unzipped my backpack pulling out two books. One of the books I had read a dozen times, Pride and Prejudice, the other was a text book that I was looking over for a class. I set the text book down on the carpeted floor next to me and opened P and P to the beginning, almost not really needed to look at the words to read it.

“She could help us, I’m sure of it.” The voice was low and smooth and came from the other side of the shelf. At first I didn’t give the voice a second thought, I just kept reading. Then it caught my attention, “She is like us, she has abilities.” My heart rate picked up as I slowly pulled books from the shelf at eye level. I pulled down about five books until I could see the small group sitting at one of the study tables a few feet away. Caleb was there. I sat very still and listened.

“If we approach her and she doesn’t want to help us, she could compromise everything, we aren’t supposed to include anyone else on this. She could turn us in.” Another voice from a boy with his back turned to me said in annoyance.

“She wouldn’t do that.” Caleb argued, he was the only one standing in the group but he was leaning low over the table. He looked to his right at a forty or fifty something year old man who had dark hair and blue eyes. His mouth seemed by default set in a frown, but his eyes were contemplative. He had his arms folded across his blue button down silk shirt covered chest. There was a girl with short blonde hair sitting across from the older man. I could only see her profile, but she was skinny with blue eyes and a perfect tan. There was a pretty Mexican girl sitting next to her with black curly hair and a scar along her jaw bone. She was wearing cargo pants and a black shirt with her feet pulled up onto the chair. The only thing I could tell about the boy with his back to me was that he was blond and muscular. He was wearing a green jacket and light wash blue jeans.

The blonde boy spoke again, “How do you know that Caleb? She could be working for the government for all we know. She could be a spy!” He had raised his tone from a whisper to a half shout.

“Shhh, that’s ridiculous Kwest. Professor Stobbs you can’t think-” Caleb argued pulling a chair up and sitting next to the Mexican girl. I put my sweaty hand on the shelf to keep the books from falling over into the empty space I had created

“No, no Kwest proves a good point Caleb, we can’t trust her yet.” The professor said unfolding his arms and leaning forward on the table, “Veronica, Hailey, what do you two think?” But they didn’t get a chance to answer. I had been putting too much weight on the shelf and one side of the shelf fell down causing a loud thump. Caleb’s eyes snapped to mine immediately and I gasped. I leaned back against the wall then grabbed my books, shoved them in my back pack and stood. My heart was pounding in my chest, I looked up and the group was all standing in the isle blocking one of my escape routes. Caleb whispered something to the professor who looked at him and nodded; that’s when I ran.

I ran along the wall through the stacks and into the criminal law section of the library. I could hear some nasty thoughts about me from the librarian as I whipped past the main desk and to the door. I didn’t look back until I was outside and across the street. Caleb was coming out the door followed by the rest of the group and they all looked around. I quickly turned and walked to the other side of the fountain and sat down, hidden by the statue in the center spurting out water. My heart was still pounding and I was breathing heavy from the running. It was warm outside and a bead of sweat fell down my forehead. I wiped the sweat from my head ignoring the thoughts that weren’t mine swirling in my head, or trying to at least.

I pulled my I pod out from the front compartment of my backpack and jammed the ear buds into my ears. My breathing was evening out, but my heart wouldn’t stop ramming against my ribs. Had I been discovered? My hands were shaking as I scrolled to find a song, I ended up on a Kansas song by accident. I sat by the fountain for a long time, mostly trying to figure out what I had heard. No matter how many times I went over the conversation I couldn’t make sense of it. There were so many different things they could have been talking about, but I couldn’t deny the nagging feeling that I knew exactly what they were talking about.

I checked my phone again and, like before, there mere no messages and no missed calls. My parents had officially cut me off from them when I announced I would be leaving for college and not getting married to their hand selected suitor. I had used the last bit of my savings to pay for the first semester at GDub, as the University was more affectionatly known as.

The sun had already set by the time I managed to pull myself together and walk back to the Aston. I half heartedly smiled at the door attendant and pulled the door open for myself to which he responded with a smile, and a …well isn’t she a nice girl… The line of students had disappeared leaving the lobby empty, except for a bored looking girl sitting at the check in desk. I walked across the lobby floor to the elevator and pushed the up button with more force than necessary. I rode alone to the fourth floor, when the doors swooshed open I stepped out into the hallway looking through my backpack for my keys. I found them swimming at the bottom and pulled my backpack back on before continuing to my room. When I turned the corner I gasped and stopped because Caleb, Kwest, Veronica, Hailey and the Professor were standing out side my door.

“Miss Kaplan.” He said in a formal tone, “We’ve been waiting for you.” I didn’t say anything, just stood a few feet away from them, still hearing no thoughts, just words, “You ran away last time and didn’t give us a chance to talk. May we come in?” He asked inclining his head towards the door. I shook my head then broke out at a run for the elevator. I pushed the down arrow a few times screaming in my head at it to hurry up. Caleb rounded the corner first and I ran for the stairs but he grabbed me before I was half way there.

“Let go of me!” I yelled in hopes that someone would hear.

“I’m sorry.” He answered and then I blacked out.

When I woke up we were all sitting in my apartment living room except for the Professor who was staring at me, “Caleb is right, you are one of us.” He said to no one in particular. He was looking at me almost as if he was looking inside of me, seeing things that no one else could. I already felt dizzy from whatever they had done to knock me out and my head was throbbing, but when he looked at me like that all the hair on my arms stood straight up.

“I really don’t know what you are talking about, untie me, and let me go!” I said groggily, realizing I was tied up to a chair.

“She’s telling the truth.” Caleb said, “She really doesn’t know.”

"How can you tell?" Kwest asked disbelieving.

"Hey eyes." Caleb replied.

The Professor’s face held a look of fascination and pity, “What was it like, growing up and not knowing what you were or why you could hear things you knew you shouldn’t?” I didn’t answer; I didn’t know what to say. I was confused and afraid of being discovered, although I felt I already had been. I didn’t know if I should play it off like I didn’t understand or go along like I knew more then I really did, “You didn’t think you were the only Reader in the world now did you?”

“Reader?” I asked feeling even more confused now.

“Yes, Mind Reader.” I had never really thought of what I could do as Mind Reading, so it was weird to hear him say it like that. I shook my head, pretending not to understand him.

“You don’t have to lie, and you don’t have to be scared,” Caleb said, “We’re Readers too, just like you.” I looked into Caleb’s face, into his clear blue eyes; eyes that seemed so full of understanding and honesty. That’s when I made a decision that changed my entire life.

“Is that why I can’t hear any of your thoughts?” I asked uncertain, and everyone in the room sighed, like a weight had been lifted. The Professor smiled and nodded at Kwest who stood and untied me.
“Welcome to our little club, Miss Kaplan.” The Professor said, “You have so much to learn. We will be meeting tomorrow at eight a.m. sharp in the library. Don’t be late; I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” And with that they were gone.
--------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, here is the second chapter..I appreciate the critiques
Last edited by RoryLegend on Tue Jul 01, 2008 7:24 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:57 pm
ButterFlyInk says...



"Hey eyes." Caleb replied. = "Her eyes." Caleb replied. for me that's the only mistake I can see, might because I'm half asleep trying to read with blurry eyes :P

I love how this story keeps me intrigued, to me its feels like a page turner in progress.
I can't wait to read more :)

-Ink

P.S. Pm me when the next part is put up...I can't wait to read it.
["DD:why are you wearing 2 hats? GM: because i have 2 hats!" XD ]

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Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:25 pm
cammie4 says...



Okay, because I am a grammar freak, that's the first thing I have to say. I noticed that you don't end dailogue with a comma when there is a dialogue tag after it.

For instance:
“I’m sorry,” he answered.


The part in bold is what it should be.

Other than those things, I'm really enjoying this story. It kind of has a suspenseful feel to it. Like ButterFlyInk said, it's like a page turner. I can't wait to know what's going on. Please let me know when you psot the next chapter!

P.S. I love Kwest's name. It's so fun!
  





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Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:07 pm
tinny says...



Guess who's back! With her eggs!

I walked into the [s]Jacob Burns Law[/s] Library and smiled. I didn’t come for the books, I had brought my own. No, I came for the silence.


Is the name really all that nessaccary? It slows down the pace, so if you can afford to cut it then do.


I made my way to the back picking up a few thoughts from some readers that were just the lines from the books they had opened in front of them.


This feels a tad bit arkward to, maybe rearrange it a little.


One of the books I had read a dozen times, Pride and Prejudice, the other was a text book that I was looking over for a class. I set the text book down on the carpeted floor next to me and opened P and P to the beginning, almost not really needed to look at the words to read it.


Again, I think it could do with a bit of shifing around, maybe something like 'One of the books, Pride and Prejudice, I had read dozens of times; the other was a text book that I was looking over for class.'

Is she reading both of these books at the same time? That's no mean feat and I think would be near impossible to do. If it's just Pride and Prejudice, then why mention the other one at all? Also, I think calling it 'the novel' as opposed to P and P would be more fitting ;)

Also! (mean I use that word too much) do you mean she's read the book so many times that she only needs to skim it in order to know what's happening? If so, maybe say that instead of 'not really needed to look at the words to read it'; it made me think that this was another one of her powers--speedy photographic reading.

One more point; is she reading this on the floor in a school library? And from the sounds of it a posh school? Would they really let her do that? I know ours never did.


The voice was low and smooth and came from the other side of the shelf. At first I didn’t give the [s]voice[/s] it? a second thought,


Avoid repetition of voice there ;)


“She is like us, she has abilities.” My heart rate picked up as I slowly pulled books from the shelf at eye level. I pulled down about five books until I could see the small group sitting at one of the study tables a few feet away.


Although there's not really anyting wrong with it, I really don't like the word abilities :/ if you could call them something else (powers sounds cheesy, talents might be a good one but I'm actually a little stumped >___>) that would be awsomecakes.

The hightlighed part sounds like it's the same thing, just repeating itself, so, erm, condense it a bit? I don't think it's nessaccery to mention just how many books have been removed either.


“If we approach her and she doesn’t want to help us, she could compromise everything[s],[/s]. We aren’t supposed to include anyone else on this. She could turn us in.” Another voice from a boy with his back turned to me said in annoyance.


I think changing the sentance length might help make the dialouge more realistic. Also the part about the speaker is a bit longer than it needs to be, and by the time I've reached the end of the sentance I'd sorta forgotten what the beginning was. So shortening it, even to something like 'said came the annoyed voice of another boy'; I assumed that she wasn't able to see many people anyway :/

He looked to his right at a forty or fifty something year old man who had dark hair and blue eyes. His mouth seemed by default set in a frown, but his eyes were contemplative. He had his arms folded across his blue button down silk shirt covered chest. There was a girl with short blonde hair sitting across from the older man. I could only see her profile, but she was skinny with blue eyes and a perfect tan. There was a pretty Mexican girl sitting next to her with black curly hair and a scar along her jaw bone. She was wearing cargo pants and a black shirt with her feet pulled up onto the chair. The only thing I could tell about the boy with his back to me was that he was blond and muscular. He was wearing a green jacket and light wash blue jeans.


Okay. A lot of this is descriptions of what people are wearing and what they look like, but how much of it is central to what happens? Most descriptions of clothing could go without much being missed. You don't need to specifically mention what they are, it's not liek the reader is going to be imagining that they're all naked ;) I can understand, it's like you can see it in your mind and you want to show us it in the exact same way, but at the same time it's fun for us to use our own imaginations. Perosnally up to this point I'd thought that they were all in uniform XD

Introduce us to little bits if what people look like as we're gradually intoduced to their characters; this lost me a bit because there's quite a few people with a lot of desciptions and they all sorta get emlded into one bit lump in my mind.


“How do you know that Caleb? She could be working for the government for all we know. She could be a spy!” He had raised his tone from a whisper to a half shout.


She could be a spy working for the goverment? It does sound just a little bit cheesy ;) also the whisper to half-shout, their in a library yes? I could imagine sometihng turning into a loud hiss, but that's about it. I wouldn't want to incur the wrath of the librarian XD


“No, no Kwest proves a good point Caleb, we can’t trust her yet.” The professor said unfolding his arms and leaning forward on the table, “Veronica, Hailey, what do you two think?” But they didn’t get a chance to answer.


I have a problem with Kwest's name. Aside form how to pronounce it (Quest or Kvest?) it doesn't seem to fit in with the naming stratergy. Caleb, Emory (I've forgotten already *face/palm*), Veronica, and Hailey are all rather, well, normal names. Kwest is not, and it stick out like a sore thumb .___.;;


I ran along the wall through the stacks and into [s]the criminal law[/s] another section of the library. I could hear some nasty thoughts about me from the librarian as I whipped past the main desk and to the door.


Nasty is a word that makes me giggle, it never seems to sound right whatever situation it's in XD so methinks replace it? Also whipped created a strange image, so you chould change that to something like darted or the like.


I pulled my I pod out [s]from the front compartment[/s] of my backpack and jammed the ear buds into my ears.


I pod = iPod.

Methinks replace ear buds with headphone to avoid repition and the association with cotton buds XD


My breathing was evening out, but my heart wouldn’t stop ramming against my ribs.


I would replace evening with something; it instantly makes me think of the time of day. Also ribs to chest, because personally I'd say that's where I feel it when he hearts and thumpthumpthump; my ribs are too far away.


My hands were shaking as I scrolled to find a song[s], I ended up on a Kansas song by accident.[/s]


Kansas song?


My parents had officially cut me off from them when I announced I would be leaving for college and not getting married to their hand selected suitor. I had used the last bit of my savings to pay for the first semester at GDub, as the University was more affectionatly known as.


Those are some seriously terrible parents ;___; but like I said before they're made out to be too negative and really it makes me think less of the narrator because if she doesn't see anything nice about them, it makes it harder for me to see anything nice about her; it all becomes too negative.

Also GDub means what? I can't say it, I wouldn't even begin to know even where to try and say it, so it distracts me from the story itself.


When I turned the corner I gasped and stopped.[s] because [/s]Caleb, Kwest, Veronica, Hailey and the Professor were standing out side my door.


All those names #____# can you use some kind of collective term instead?


“Let go of me!” I yelled in hopes that someone would hear.


She's in a dormitory yes? Then I really expect someone would, and come out to have a pokeabout and see what was happening.


“I’m sorry.” He answered and then I blacked out.


Sudden black-out what? Really that threw me off so much, it's so sudden as seems to happen for no reason at all.


“I really don’t know what you are talking about, untie me, and let me go!” I said groggily, realizing I was tied up to a chair.


I I woke up and found that I had been tied to a chair by my school-mates and a teacher I would not be pleased. At all. 'Speshlly if I couldn't hear their thoughts when I previously had; I'd be terrified O___O and yet she seems to take it all in her stride?


"Hey eyes." Caleb replied.


Hey = Her.

Also, how?


I looked into Caleb’s face, into his clear blue eyes; eyes that seemed so full of understanding and honesty.


I thought his eyes were all black?


The narrator (I keep forgetting her name; you've only mentioned it once XD) seems to be very very accepting of this. I mean, yes she thought she was the only one but now she's found other people like her, but these people were discussing her, assaulted her, and tied her up, and yet she still seems to trust them just by looking into Caleb's eyes? I don't buy it, sorry :/

You need to fix your grammar and punctuation in the dialouge, but that's always flumoxed me too D:

When there's the big ol' secret conversation, it almost switches to the third person. Yes, she's watching them, but aside from a few 'I's in what she saying she doesn't involve herself much, doesn't question their comments.

I also think a lot of this could be simplified. Cut out detail and names and excessive details and you'll make it sharper, cleaner, and less clogged up :3

I look forward to seeing what happens next! Aaand shall go take a look at ar three when I next get the chance!
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Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:18 am
niccy_v says...



This is good. Very believable, but you really need more depth, more oomph. It's so bare and empty as a story, and if it was to be made into a book. the reader would get bored. Everything happens so fast, dialogue is over so quick, you should sit down again and pour yourself into it. It's got strong foundations but is yet to develop properly. I'm still seeing potential but there isn't enough development of the plot, characterisation, or identity to the story.

centre not center! I liked the way you described the scene at the library, yet not enough went on. I don't mean make the story cluttered, but make it a big longer, bit fuller, if you get what i mean.

I like it though so far.
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Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:21 am
niccy_v says...



It also lacks emotion that is essential to the storyline. The characters have minimul emotion, and there is a lot going on in her head, but i can't really imagine what they're feeling. More dialogue, and inner thoughts that go on in their heads.
If your mc can really hear all their thoughts, include it in the story when they're around the table. Or following her. And i doubt people just black out without some sort of inward thought?

You've set it up, just go for it and throw in some more detail, because it could make the story so much better! Not calling it crap, oh no, just lacks some stuffing.
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Sun Jul 20, 2008 11:14 pm
BigBadBear says...



RoryLegend,

Gah! This chapter was much too short! You have me addicted to this story. XD Yep, it’s that good.

Your main problem in this chapter isn’t really the story, but the way you word stuff. You tend to use a lot of run on sentences, and it’s driving me nuts. Read everything you write out loud. You’ll find that you have some unnaturally long sentences that can be broken down easily. I’m one for short sentences!

Anyway, this story is amazing. I’m glad that you’ve steered away from Twilight, like I feared would happen. I love the whole concept of Mind Readers. It’s really intriguing. I can’t wait for our MC to go and meet up with the group tomorrow. I can’t wait to see what’s going to happen. I barely have anything else to critique with this! Great job.

I’m going to chapter three now. You have me hooked, friend.

-Jared
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Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:13 am
Syte says...



I pulled my iPod out from the front compartment of my backpack and jammed the ear buds into my ears
I think that's how it's spelled.

When I woke up, we were all sitting in my apartment living room, except for the Professor who was staring at me,


“Caleb is right, you are one of us.” He said to no one in particular.
Break this into another paragraph.

“I really don’t know what you are talking about. Untie me, and let me go!”


“She’s telling the truth.” Caleb said, “She really doesn’t know.”
How can she not know? Wouldn't she suspect that's there's something unusual about these guys, and that there must be a connection between herself and them. She can't read their thoughts, they mentioned, abilities. Wouldn't she suspect that they're all psychics?

We will be meeting tomorrow at eight A.M. sharp in the library.


The stories good, and I think it's moving quickly.
  








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