Young Writers Society

- Before I start this, let me just have a chance to say that this IS my first time at writing. Please, understand that I am not perfect and I love comments, good or bad. If you get bored half-way through, please still post saying that it's boring and why. Thank you. -


Men believe that they can control everything, they can do anything. They believe that they don’t need God; they can solve their own problems with money, popularity and power. One day, however, the Lord will come to Earth and take those that are worthy to the Holy Kingdom. All those which oppose him will burn in Hell for eternity…


Chapter 1: The Dawn of a New Age



The thick air hung hard on the walls of the man’s lungs, weighing him down. He ran faster in the dusk light, not caring where he was headed, he just wanted to get away. Behind him he heard the creature still chasing him, its small piercing blue eyes locked onto him. The rest of its body was shrouded in the darkness that surrounded it. He looked ahead of him and saw the town, he was so close. He picked up his pace and dashed faster. He began to scream for help, but no one replied back. He felt his leg slip and his body fell onto the ground, he screamed in pain. He looked at his leg, twisted at the ankle, looking at the beast catch up to him; he bore the pain and started to limp towards the town, still screaming. The man dragged his twisted foot across the plains at least 50 yards before looking behind him once more, the creature was no longer there. Looking all around, the beast was no where to be found. The man smiled, and began to laugh, he had outrun it! He laughed all the way to the city gate.
He pounded on the door, screaming at the top of his lungs, “I did it! I did it!” A small man with a large beard opened a small slot in the door. His eyes opened wide, and then he shut the slot. The man swore as loud as he could, demanding to be let in. He pounded on the door, harder this time. He then felt a warm breeze blow across his neck. He immediately ceased all of his actions, and just stood there. Another warm breeze blew across his neck. He slouched down, defeated. The creature shoved its long sword-like arm into mans torso, the man screamed in pain. He felt small pores open inside the creatures arm, spitting poison into his body. His eyes turned black, his voice went silent, his body still. He could still feel everything around him, and then he felt himself being lifted off the ground. The creature would feast his body to its young, while keeping him alive. A meal tasted better alive, while its blood was still running strong.
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“We meet on this glorious day that God has created for us, into a field of battle! Worry not of what may happen to you; God shall decide if you are to join him in heaven or stay here to fight! I don't care how ugly, how large, how tough the enemy might be! You shall fight and fight till the death if need be! We shall fight this enemy with everything we got! No matter what happens never, never give up! Do you understand?”
“Sir, yes sir!” said all the troops in unison.
“DISMISSED!” the commander roared. As all the troops saluted, he felt a kind of shiver go through his spine. This was his first real command, he had never really known what it felt like to have all those men and women feel secure under him, and he loved it. All of the troops marched in a line past him, going to their bunks for a good few hours rest hopefully. As they did so, he looked across the base, seeing all the people moving around, doing their daily chores. Then, he looked at the sun, its power was slipping away, and soon it would die, like the rest of the planet. Sighing, he began to walk away from the shooting grounds. He wanted to find some shade, so he could cool down after the morning training.
He decided that the best place would be on the helipads, on a hill just over the city. On each corner of the helipad were sniper nests. There was only one that was filled, so he took the empty sniper nest next to it. Putting his 7.65 caliber assault rifle down, he took his canteen off of his belt, and brought it up to his mouth. The water rushed down his throat with a burning sensation. “Aww, hell,” he murmured. The water hadn’t been clean for years and it still had the strong taste of chemicals that kept the poison out of it. It wasn’t great, but it helped his thirst. He held his head down, as though carrying something heavy on his shoulders.
He put his hand in his pocket, and brought out a small picture that was wrinkled heavily. He tried to hold the tears back as best as possible, but one or two passed his eye lids. He looked at the rifle, and thought for a minute. He could end it all right now, all the pain, and all the torment. He picked the rifle up; it was very light-weight so it was easy to hold in one hand. The clip had 45 rounds in it, but he’d only need one. He put the gun under his jaw, and put his finger over the trigger. He was shaking, which made it hard to hold the gun, but he knew he could do it. He closed his eyes slowly, and told himself that it was the only way. He pulled his finger down, his body jumped. He slowly opened his eyes, and what he saw was hell. Fires all around him, the heat was unbearable. Creatures that wore masks were running all around him, carrying a man. He holding what was left of his arm which was torn into threads and bone. There was screaming, horrible screaming that made him put his hands over his ears, but the sound still rocked his body. Then, it was all gone. He looked back up and he saw the medics carry the same man into the hospital just down the hill. He came out of the nest and looked up and saw the chopper lift off. He looked around him, everything looked the same, and then he looked at his rifle, it was on safety. In a rush of rage he threw it to the ground.
In his rage, the man didn’t notice the MP cruiser pull up to the helipad.
"Commander Okief?” The MP asked. The man looked at him with a disgusted look, and wiped some spit off of his mouth. He regained as much of what he could of his composure. "Yes," is all that Okief said. "Oh thank God! I've looked around the whole city for you sir." The MP laughed a little. Okief just stared at him with the same disgusted look. The MP, obviously embarrassed, as he was squirming a bit, then said in a more official tone, "Sir, you are to report to the general's office at once." However, he couldn't hide the stuttering in his voice from his nerves. Okief looked at the man with an aggressive stare. He wanted to strangle the man, to take the breath out of his body, but why? He had nothing against the man, but just his presence brought Okief over the limit. He just thought that it was the fact that he hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and fixed his posture.
"Thank you; tell the General that I shall be there in 30 minutes."
"Yes sir." The MP slowly went back to his cruiser. He looked back at Okief every couple of steps and tried opening his car door. It apparently wouldn't open, and he started cursing at it. Then he pressed in the door handle and it unlatched and opened. He laughed back to Okief nervously, but stopped mid-way, and entered the vehicle. It started up and slowly drove back to the city. He slowly drove to the city.
Okief looked around him one last time, hoping to see something that would calm him. What he saw was still hell; a barren wasteland with fire all around, nothing lived outside of the city walls. If the toxic gases didn’t kill it, the demons surely would. Sighing, he walked back and picked up his rifle, and then he looked out blankly, he swore under his breath. The City Chambers, which was where the generals office was located, was nearly two miles away, now he wished he had told the MP that he needed a ride to the chambers, it was a long walk. Slowly, he started walking, admiring what little there was to admire. Finally, telling himself to get over the fact that Earth was as close to Hell as it was going to get, he started running. As he ran, the sniper that was once in the nest next to him looked at Okief with a blank face, watching his every movement. Something about that man sent rivets down his spine, it wasn’t that he didn’t like the man; it was just the way he acted. The sniper looked down, and then he peered through the binoculars again, searching for something to kill.

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The city was full of activity; the streets had barely any room to move in. Home generators filled the air with fumes, and the wagons made it nearly impossible to hear the person next to you. People were screaming at each other, only a few feet away, selling items on the market, or just talking to a friend. Cars were seldom seen in the city or anywhere else in the world. Only top level government officials had cars, the rest of the world had to use the old ways of animal travel. Okief had no use for a beast, or any other type of travel when it he wasn’t on assignment, he preferred to walk.
Okief was clearly visible in the crowds of people, with his light blue officer’s uniform, with gold stripes and a nicely shined silver star, marking him as a captain. He wasn’t proud of it, like most of the rest of his peers, but he did feel a certain kind of love for the amulet. He stared at it from time to time, almost like a child was attached to a new toy. He tried not to make himself look overpowering to the other people, but he saw some of the hatred from the people’s eyes. Most of the people didn’t like the army, or police, they had created so many laws that the word freedom was literally obliterated.
Okief couldn’t stand the crowds anymore, it was getting hotter by the second and the smell of the people was grotesque to say the least. He looked around to find a way to either get to a less crowded area, or to slip out of the crowd completely. He saw a small gap between two houses, which was just big enough for a man of his size. He pushed through the crowd, apologizing to every man and woman he pushed through. They were so used to it, that it didn’t even matter to them.
The smell was almost as bad, but the shade made it a lot cooler for Okief. Old garbage lay everywhere, and the flies knew it apparently. The houses were so close together that it was amazing that you could fit anything in the small space. Okief looked over the house, and was able to see the City Chambers in all of their glory, well, what used to be their glory. Years of damage from the weather and lack of time or funds to fix the building made it look like a dump, but it was the best looking building in the city. It was so big, that any window that was facing into the city would be completely filled with the City Chambers.
After passing five more houses, and an unknown number of merchants, Okief reached the steps to the City Council. Guards lined each row of steps; at least ten per row, there were at least 70 guards. Each one of them was armed with heavy assault rifles, grenades and pistols. Each of these were easily visible, mostly to warn the public. It was a strange sight for Okief; there were always guards on the steps, but never to this extent. He slowly walked up the steps; the guards didn’t seem to mind him. Okief heard someone screaming, and he looked to where it was coming from. An elderly woman was holding a young boy, who had blood running down his forehead. Okief immediately ran over to the woman; try to find out what was wrong with the boy. One of the guards was near-by, Okief screamed at him to call for help, the guard didn’t move. He looked at the butt of the guard’s rifle, and noticed a small blotch of blood on it. Okief looked back at the child, who couldn’t have been any older then eight, and noticed that the shape of a rifle butt was on his forehead. Okief looked under the guard’s feet, and noticed a small leather ball, one that was commonly used in baseball, lying on the steps. He looked back up at the guard, and looked into his eyes. Anger, rage, and hatred filled Okief, almost as if it were tearing him apart. He walked up to the guards face, screaming, “He was just trying to get his ball! He wasn’t a threat of any kind, and you could have killed him! Where the hell is your superior officer, because when I report you, I’m going to have you court-martialed so fast you’ll wish I just kicked your ass right now!” Okief grabbed the guards’ helmet, “If I ever, see you do that kind of crap again, I swear…” Everything went black for Okief; he felt himself fall to the steps. He lay there and felt his head tingling, but he couldn't move or speak. He heard one of the guards, “Bring him to HQ, immediately!” he heard a different voice now, “Yes sir, what about the child sir?” “Let the woman take care of him, I don’t feel like writing the paperwork.” With that he heard the woman cry, and one of the guards yelling at her to leave. Then, he felt himself being lifted up, and dragged across what had to be the steps. Then, he completely blacked out.

Hmm. This is a very interesting idea so far! I really like it! Watch your sentence structures, though. For the most part it's fine, but you do have a few problems with commas and such. Sorry I'm not being more specific... I'll have to take a closer look at it tomorrow. Great job if this is your first time at writing! Very nice.

As for a title.. Hmm... I'm not sure. I'll think about it.

Oh my goodness this was great for somebody who hasn't written as long as most people... it had violence and a plot! Plots are very hard to find when I write... I tend to go insane on that, however I think this was a very good piece... I can't wait for more.

I can easily see the future as somewhat like this. Hopefully without the blue eyed monster though (O_O)
People do tend to think they are stronger than God and if one day he does decide to come down we're all screwed.... Nice work

Very well done i liked it a lot.

Dear Inquisitor, if you read this please tell me why you cahnged your over all from 7.0 to 5.5.

Well, you said to post even if we didn't finish it or were bored with the story. So...here I go.

Before I start, I'd like you to know that I don't really get through stories that often, but I don't take time to post and criticize, so please don't get your feelings hurt, you're not alone.

The part in italics was somewhat interesting, though I think you could have taken time to revise it and make it flow better.

I read the first sentence and stopped. I couldn't help it. The syntax of your first sentence is horrible, and a little too wordy.

"The thick air hung hard on the walls of the man's lungs" doesn't make any sense to me. I get what your saying, but if you knit pick and take it apart, it's a bad sentence. I can't even think of a proper way to revise it. "Hung hard on the walls" sounds like your trying too hard to get a good description in. "Thick air" is fine, but I think a sentence about his breathing actually using the word "breathing" would be more effective. There's no need to be wordy and get too descriptive when a man's just breathing hard, especially in the first sentece.

This is also a very cliche way to open a story. There's really nothing wrong with being cliche, considering that most everything nowadays has been done, thus making nearly everything cliche, but you might want to try to find a more ingenuitive and creative way to express that the man is breathing very hard and probably running very fast, without losing the tone you wish to take with your story.

And a good rule of thumb for anyone when writing anyone: Avoid direct description (" She had blue eyes and brown hair and was very tan. She was wearing capris and..." BLAH. Boring.) Also, Show don't tell. That's easy, right? ("He was very angry." NO. "He shot her a look of pure venom and stomped out of the room." YES. See?)

Good luck with your new found joy as a writer. You obviously have some creativity and maybe even some talent down there. The best way to grow as a writer is to WRITE. And READ. Write and read, and you'll grow. Scouts' honor.

-Sarah

I'm a little busy, so I can only comment on your opening. The part in italics isn't necessary. There realy is no point in telling us what the story will be about before you get the story going, especially in terms of theme or the lesson learned. Lessons learned are best told covertly in the form of a story.

As for your opening lines, it doesn't provide much of a hook. I commend your efforts for what you were trying to do, but very rarely, even when does by the more experienced writer, does it work to introduce a character as nothing more than "he". We need a character with a name, or at least an indentity. If you're not going to give a name, there should be a reason, not just because you think it might make the story sound mysterious. For example, I read a book recently where one character was introduced as "The thief" because the author had two other characters he wanted the reader to think might be the thief.

But anyway, great for a first try. Keep working at it and I have no doubt you will do well.

I really liked the fact that you seemed to have definite plot and structure, a foundation for the story, something which I notice a lot of younger aged writers don't seem to have. I did find that some of the sentences were a little bit "out of place," and at times you could have shortened your paragraphs. Other than that, I'd say you should definitely keep working on this, revise, edit, and you could have something quite brilliant.

Wow, for your first time writing, that was bloody brilliant!
I'm not really going to say more, on account of me being half asleep, but good job!

I thank you all for the great replys, even if they weren't what I truely wanted to hear they will definaly help me out in the future. I just wanted to know if I should revise the first chapter then do a second one or just go to the second chapter. Thanks for anyone that replys!

That was pretty good (especially for a first try).

My only real nitpick is that a few parts do flow to well.

And this one sentence stood out to me:
'Putting his 7.65 caliber assault rifle down,'

I don't think you really need to add in the caliber. It doens't play any important part (at least, not yet) and makes it sound kindda cheesy. The fact that it's an assault rifle should be enough for now.
You could always add in the caliber in at a later point in the story, for example:
'He pulled his rifle up to aim, and let lose at the demons. The 7.65 caliber shots flew through the air, smashing into the enemy with a satisfying scream of pain.'

At this stage in the game, it's not really necessary to do revisions. When you're still learning, it's better to write as many stories as you can, rather than focus on one.

The story itself is not so bad, but your grammar is atrocious! You need to work on your syntax (sentence structure) and your placement of commas and periods and semi colons. And you really need to go through this again and fix your typos.

The rest of its body was shrouded in the darkness that surrounded it.

"Shrouded in the darkness" is enough.

his body still. He could still

Even though the word "still" has different connotations here, you should find a different word for one of them. I noticed this several times throughout the piece.

Good luck

-Sarah

First of all I want to say that although the words in italic are not necessary I began to read it and thought 'woah', most stories start with boring waffle and are 'uninteresting' but reading your opening made me actually want to carry on reading. But the bits after that start to get dull and I lost interest in the story.

Sorry to say this but I only scanned through your work and only read bits of it.
I don't think I can actually think of a title yet, it's best to wait until you finish your book/story before you even begin to think of a name.

Overall it was a good try. You should rewrite/reread your work every few minutes just to make sure you know what you're talking about.

Please don't be sad if I seemed harsh or rude, as long as you have confidence in your writing it won't really matter what a bunch of 'people' on the net say.

Have a good day.

(Sorry if my comments too long, when I have something to say I often find myself saying alot.)

- Djinni -