Young Writers Society

I had the dream again…

I got out of bed. There were blood and tears on the pillow again. I knew that I probably looked horrible, so I got up and headed towards the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror…I was a mess. I took off my clothes and started to run a shower. I took a piss before I got in. I was in there for a good half hour. Then I got out; I had forgotten my towel so I walked naked and wet all the way from my bathroom to my bed, that’s right all thirty feet. I wasn’t even bothering to go to the linen closet. I just sat my dripping ass down on the bed and opened up my laptop. That’s when I saw the e-mail that would change my life, or rather life as I knew it.

“Job opening. Meet me at the Juo Tarr.”

My name is Jake, and I’m what some would call a hired hand. I’m an honest trade merchant most of the time, but when that doesn’t hack it, I do freelance. I was on the way to the bar when I saw the shadows of men and monster alike all converging on me, I’d say there were about twenty of them. It had been a while since I had a good scrap, so I stopped and dropped my jacket off of my shoulders.

The biggest one said,”Hey, punk got a problem?”

He was big, green, and looked like he should be stuck to someone’s shoe. He was taller than me and had the nerve to sport a leather jacket and walk around like everyone else. Sure I had my biases with aliens, but I had no problem with this one, I just needed a good workout. But my rule stopped me. It replayed in my mind, “Never start fights.” So I’d have to provoke him

“Why none what so every kind sir,” I replied.

I pulled off my shades, it was about then that they started to get violent. I pulled my glasses back on and jumped back. Street thugs were easy, take out the boss and you win. It was pretty evident who the boss was, but the problem was I had a feeling that a punch wouldn’t take him down; I’d need something else. I started looking around, and I guess that pissed them off because they started coming. This guy about my size came running up on me. It was an easy three piece, a turning round kick to the head, and a foot to the chest, and a punch to end things on a good note. Then two more rushed me. As sure of my hand-to-hand as I was, I needed to get to the boss and quick. I looked around and the only thing that I could see that might aid me was a terminal pole. I grabbed the pole and jumped at the brick wall adjacent to it. They were ready for a ricochet, but I had other plans. I yanked the pole right out of the ground, and I tried to make it look as easy as I could. Before I could take on even these runts, there would have to be some refining done to my makeshift weapon. I smashed it against the wall a few times, but the boys were getting restless so I swept them with the heavy pole and did a double elbow into their stomachs. Just then there was overcast. I grabbed my pole and began banging it up against the wall again, but I kept moving so that they couldn’t track me by the noise I was making. As I banged and scraped, the pole it got lighter and more manageable. I kept going a few steps more and then I hit something squishy. It was “great big and ugly”. It took a little while for the sky to clear and when it did all they saw was their boss at my feet. I made a smile at them as a gesture of victory and insult, sure enough they went their separate ways, really fast if I may add. I dropped the pole on that sluggish oaf and looked at the sign, the Juo Tarr. I was early, but what the hell, I went on ahead inside to get a drink.

I have to say I loved the look of this place. It was all metal and fiberglass, very modern, but that’s not what got me, it was the atmosphere. Every breath made me feel lighter and less stressed. I went and had a seat at the bar right next to a classic Britney Spearsy type. I was just about to talk to her when I saw the bartender; she looked like a ghost from my past. We struck up a little conversation she said her name was Liz, but I didn’t buy it for a second. I got her number and I was about to get on the dance floor and wait for my informant when the power went out. I pulled off my shades, just slightly enough, so that I could make out the bartenders face; I knew I knew her from somewhere, without showing my eyes all I could see were hers. I zoomed in and examined her pupil, so far so good. Then I zoomed out and examined her iris, definitely human. Then the power came back on.

“Lovely specimen isn’t she.”

I knew that voice; it was him. It was Count Vincent Scalisi. Even after all those years it was a voice you’d never forget. I was frozen over by fear. He reached over to touch my shoulders, and my glasses fell off. Liz saw my eyes and then she saw the look of fear in them. I saw her pull a gun out and shot at him. I ran for the lockdown door and jumped through the narrow opening when it hit me,”Damn, I left her.”

I started to go back for her as the door closed, and I heard Count Scalisi say, “Long time no see Liz…or should I say…”

Well, I want more. It was enticing and exciting, though I think it could've had more description. Also, your grammar is a little off, and your understanding of where commas go isn't too great. Though I can't really help; I just run off of feel in the comma department. But I know when things are wrong past a certain degree....

As I said, I liked it.

Yeah, commas never were my best friend, but I'll try harder.

Here’s my review:

I got out bed, correction I got out of bed.
toward the bathroom I think it’s meant to be towards the bathroom.
He was big, green, and looked like he should be stuck to someone’s shoe. He was taller than me and had the nerve to sport a leather jacket and walk around like everyone else. I love this bit, good description!

I liked this alot! Are there more parts to come because I’d love to read it!

“Damn, he left me,” I said.

But at the same time I was a little preoccupied.

“Long time no see Liz…or should I say…”

Vincent was about to blow my cover, but I couldn’t have that could I, so right before he said my name I took my high heel to his face. He spun backwards over the bar top. I jumped over the top of the bar and landed on him. I kicked him in the face and he bled. I went for an axe kick to finish him but he grabbed my foot. I went for a downward stomp and he grabbed that one too. He flipped me so that I was now on the floor and he was looming over me. I had one last trick up my sleeve.

I said, “Ah ha,” in the girliest voice I’d heard from myself in a while, and flicked my hair to distract him.

Right as I did I slipped a gun out of my sleeve and shot the bastard in the chest. He let go. His last sight was obviously a pleasant one. Last time I wear a skirt when I go undercover. Needless to say I hit the ground. It wasn’t Vincent so much as what tends to always follow him. As soon as the thought entered my mind, I heard screaming people. I couldn’t hold this place down on my own. I kicked the brick wall—third brick from the wall, sixth from the top—and it opened my “just in case” tunnel. I pulled out a paint can and pulled out my gun. I threw the can up and shot it. Just as I suspected…there were men everywhere. I tried to stay my ground and I kept shooting. I was fine until Vincent stood up again. I backed up and shot him and I kept shooting, but he wouldn’t go down. He picked up his gun and shot me point blank in the chest and threw the jacket on me.

I fell down the tunnel and as I fell I heard it locking up on the other end. My breathing was heavy. I had to rip off my shirt and Kevlar vest. I’m sure the boys aboard the Hëmo Angelo would love this. As I fell I had to change out of my outfit as not to be recognized— that, and there was blood all over my clothes. So here I was in my panties and bra trying to figure out what the hell to do next, I didn’t even have real shoes. I’d be alright though; I had a niche about 200 yards down the tunnel. I slipped on the heels and slowed myself, then I jumped into the little compartment and caught my breath. I reached into my secret stash and grabbed a gun and essential supplies. You know, make up, magazines, grenades. No way was I following this tunnel. Knowing Vincent he probably thought he would outsmart me and have his men at the base of the tunnel waiting for me. I grabbed a grenade and tossed it down the chute.

I thought I had it all figured out. Except…I forgot my ship was down there. Combine that with the fact that I heard someone coming down my tunnel. There was no other alternative, I let go and dove head first for the grenade. It was almost to the ship. I managed to get my fingers around it and toss it up the chute. I made sure that I left Vincent and his boys a gift. I covered my ears, and…BOOM! You should have to have seen it, it was so beautiful. It was a cascade of colors so vibrant, ranging from gold to indigo. After that I got a few minor burns and the occasional piece of metal in the arm, but I’m used to it. I was just glad I was ahead of the explosion. I rotated my body so that I was upright again and rode the rest of the tunnel on my high heels. It was a welcome change from gliding on my back and ass.

By the time I got to the base I had worn down my heels from 3.5 inches to about a ¼ of an inch, but I saw a familiar face, and I had a plan. I left a noticeable dent in my ship when the tunnel let out, but we had to go, I knew that they were on their way. I threw him his jacket, and blushed then I prepped the crew, turned on the holo-monitor and gave my orders.

She was starting up the ship. She gave me her phone number, it’s not like she owed me or I expected her to take me home with her, but this was a dire situation. I can’t believe she was going to…
Suddenly I heard a voice.

“Grab onto the back of the ship and hold your breath. There’s no time.”
“Uh…lady…Liz, I might die.”
“That’s just a chance you’ll have to take.”
“Is this how you pick up all of your potential male suitors?”
“I’d let you in, but lock down protocols begin when we start up the ship.”
“But I could die.”
“Yes!”
“What?”
“Put this on.”

Two helmets fell from the base the ship.

“How do you know Vincent?”
“No time to explain.”
“But…”
“3…”

I heard heavy footsteps coming down the hallway, and I saw some half blown up people covered in orange paint and they looked pissed and they were gaining on us. That was probably the trouble she was in such a rush to escape. They probably came with Vincent.

“2…”

As the footsteps got closer I saw footprints, but no body to go with them. I could only imagine what I'd gotten myself in to.

“1…” “Trust me you’re safer out there right now.”

Another guy jumped on with me and grabbed the spare helmet. I wasn't sure who he was or what he wanted but he wasn't harming me and made him an ally.

“Liftoff.”
“No freakin’…”
“Put on the helmet, hold your breath, and hold on tight.”

The ship lifted and I followed her instructions, but I was pretty sure I was going to die. The initial rush and tearing feeling that I felt after liftoff was painful, but not unbearable. It was getting hot, but not as hot as I imagined. As long as I listened to Liz and didn't move from where I was I wasn't going to fall off and I wasn't going to burn up. Sadly that was not the truth for the top of the ship. I say that because it was on fire.
So many thoughts were rushing to my head. Who was she? Where was I going? How did he find me? And what was going on? I was running out of breath. We were in…well…space.
I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. I put my hands to my throat, and I was about to gasp when I heard a voice.

It was coming from inside the helmet.

“You idiot, you let go, just hold your breath, we’ll get right to you.”

She was right I had let go and now I was floating in space. If I didn't wear a light attmospheric suit all the time I'd be dead right now. Dead and floating. The fact that I was only one of the two made me see the brighter side of this situation. The fact that I wasn't dead yet didn't stop me from worrying. I didn't know how much longer I could hold my breath. It must have been almost five minutes. I gasped against my wishes and then…

“Oxygen,” I said out loud.
“Yep, fooled you.”
“You what!?!”
“Fooled you.”
“Just come and pick me up," I said.
“Now that you know that you won’t run out of air for a little bit, you’ll have to say please if you want any favors from me.”
“Just let me in.”
“You have to decide I'll give you to the count of three again, and then we're out, unless...”
“Please, already.”

She boarded me on her ship. The other guy was already on. I looked around. I saw two teens in a set of uniforms, two other guys in casual clothes, Liz, and…two older blondes, I knew they were twins, but I didn't know how I knew.

“Welcome aboard,” said one of the boys in uniform.

I took off my helmet and gave a triumphant smile. Then I passed out.

a little bit of description would be very helpfull, because i have no clue were this is, and how come people can withstand a grenade blowing up right infront of them and being shot. how can he zoom in to get a image of her pupil, are they all cyborgs, or what, im just really confuzed over hear.