Young Writers Society

This is part one, so it doesn't kick off that much until the next part (if I decide to continue). If you think it is awful, I will instantly forget the work.
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I can remember the crash. I remember two screams (mine? Or maybe two of the passengers?) and someone shouting, “Oh my God!” (was that me?) I remember the way I tried to swerve around, avoid the other car. And the shudder of impact... I felt the car crumple in on itself. I felt myself judder forward, smashing through the glass.
I should be dead.

Lights. White, blue, a shade of mint-green. Cooling colors. Shallow breaths.
“We’re losing him.”
I shouldn’t even be breathing. That’s a nice thing to think about. I wish there was a mirror. Although, judging by the feeling of harsh cuts, chunks of me mauled out, the cool, refrigerated air sweeping on raw flesh, I’m not sure I’d want to look at it.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. That’s what I hear; beeping. The monotony of beeping is quite OK, if not pleasant. I start counting the seconds between beeps.
“We’re going to have to put him on stasis.”
Beep. One, two- Beep. One, two- Beep. One- Beep. One, two- Beep.
“Are you sure?”
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
“Positive. We can put in the other fixtures later.”
Beep, beep, beep, beep. The beeps are getting faster.
“We’re lucky that he’s still alive.”
Still alive... I wish I could know that for sure.
Am I alive?

My eyes open and I see an angel.
“What is your name?” he asks.
“Oscar.” That I can remember. That’s what I can remember about me. My name. Which is Oscar.
Wait. Not an angel. A man, white coat; trim beard, short auburn hair, a strong nose; intelligent looking. I think I remember him. Do I? Don’t I?
“What do you remember?”
That’s easy; “The crash.”
“Anything else?”
“Oscar. Sixteen years old. Sister. Lights. Beeping.” Is this even my voice? It sounds soft and cold, a dry whisper. I don’t remember speaking like this.
“Do you remember becoming a donor for the MechaNet Corporation?”
“No.” MechaNet... It does sound familiar, though... Or is it just because the somewhat-familiar man said it?
“Do you remember me?”
“I know your face.” Not his name.
“Well, that’s a start.”
“Where am I?”
No answer. He’s walking away. Vision dims. Eyelids close... Hello, darkness.

Hands shake me awake. My eyes open wide, and my arm lunges for whoever is waking me. No luck. The person’s hand grasps the arm, and squeezes it. Circulation slows. Numb, aching.
“Next time, I will rip it off and keep it as a candleholder. Got that?” the owner of the hand, a girl snaps, lifting me up onto my feet.
I’m in a gray-white room. I look back to a gray and blue spring bed, sharp, uncomfortable-looking. Still, I’ve slept in it for-
“How long have I been here?” I ask. I’m relieved to find that my voice is less dry, more... normal; though wheezy, it sounds like how I imagined... remembered my voice would sound.
“How the hell should I know? I’m not your mother,” she retorts.
“Still,” she drawls, “I’d say about a month, because for a whole week Stasis was occupied. And it takes about two weeks to get the fixtures in. And around four days for recovery. Did you get that, or do I have to say it again?”
A pause as I took her speech in. I didn’t get it, but I felt that she would sneer and sigh if I asked her to explain what that was all about.
“Your name’s Oscar, right?” she murmurs, softly. That puzzled me. I was under the impression that she was snide, rude, and incapable of talking without smirking. “Do you remember your last name?”
I shake my head. She frowns, her silver-gray eyes meeting my pair.
“Welcome to purgatory, Oscar. May it never become hell for you,” she whispers. As this sinks in, she turns around, facing a metal, steel-blue door.
“Come on. The Doctor’s expecting us.”

Ok, this was a good piece and I enjoyed reading it.
So far, we know very little of the world, character(s), or the plot.
It has a bit of mystery to it which is always great.
I did not find any major punctuation or spelling errors on my read through, but did not check twice, so don't take my word for it.
I thought it was interesting, and I would like to see where the second chapter takes us.
You did an awesome job with her in the hospital; it was very well writen.
All in all it was good and I hope to see more from you.
Keep writing.

Ah, Medical drama. And I don't mean that in reference to the shallow day-time TV stuff. I have always appreciated dark hospital fiction.

I kind of wish we had a little bit more set-up, but I am sure that that is to come, and this makes a great plot hook (it got me interested in more!).

I always have fun critiquing things that I enjoy, because it means I can be nitpicky, so:
The first paragraph could be slightly stronger, because there is so much stuff that will fly through a mind in a car crash, and a crash is also so commonly used it has many stock descriptions. Possibly a more....unique accident could open up more paths for originality without affecting the overarching plot of the piece.

The beeping is almost overdone, though I can tell why they are used (Breaking up the dialogue and also distancing the character from what is going on outside of his own head)

And lastly, I absolutely LOVED the line about the arm-turned-candlestick. It made me giggle.

So, all in all, a good piece, it could use a bit of revision, but it left me wanting more, which is always a good thing.

This is a good start and it got me gripped. What did they do to him? Or should that be what did they put IN him.

Post a heads up if you decide to post more chapters.

I can remember the crash. I remember two screams (mine? Or maybe two of the passengers?) and someone shouting, “Oh my God!” (was that me?) I remember the way I tried to swerve around, avoid the other car. And the shudder of impact... I felt the car crumple in on itself. I felt myself judder forward, smashing through the glass.
I should be dead.

I liked this beginning, but I do have some nitpicks. When you say "I remember two screams (mine? or...", it feels like the narrator is wondering if both screams were his. I know you go on to say "or maybe two of the passengers", but that initial comment just doesn't work. It would be better to change the parenthesized section to "(Two of the passengers? Or was one of them me?)" or something similar.
My next nitpick is that by saying "... or maybe two of the passengers", it makes it feel like he's driving a bus with many passengers, even though the next sentences reveal he's driving a car. You'll have to figure out how to work this out on your own since I don't know how many people there were in the car total, and that fact can lead to many variations.
Oh, and I like the last line by the way. Nice way to end it.

That’s what I hear; beeping.

Just a grammatical nitpick. A colon fits better than a semicolon after "hear."

Quick moment of praise, I like what you did with the beeps. Going from beep one-two, to beep with a period, to, lastly, beep with a comma. Nicely done. It shows the hastening heart quite well.

Wait. Not an angel. A man, white coat; trim beard, short auburn hair, a strong nose; intelligent looking.

I like this part, especially how you introduced him as being an angel. My only criticism is that the second sentence feels like a run on because of the excessive description. Just get rid of "a strong nose", and this will be great. Further, I personally wouldn't refer to his hair color as "auburn". The connotation is more feminine than masculine. I leave the choice to use it or not, however, up to you.

MechaNet... It does sound familiar, though... Or is it just because the somewhat-familiar man said it?

Try to avoid the excessive use of ellipses (the triple period). The fist one seems okay, but get rid of the one after "though."

I’m relieved to find that my voice is less dry, more... normal; though wheezy, it sounds like how I imagined... remembered my voice would sound.

Try not to connect sentences so much with semicolons. It's becoming a little excessive. Same goes for the ellipsis again. The one after "imagined" could be replaced with a dash, if you wanted. But once again, be sure not to use ellipsis too much.

“How the hell should I know? I’m not your mother,” she retorts.
“Still,” she drawls, “I’d say about a month, because for a whole week Stasis was occupied.

This is a jarring problem. Real quick, imagine in your mind this girl retorting with such harsh words. Next, imagine her drawling the second bit. The two just don't fit together in transition at all. Fixing this problem is easy, however. Get rid of "she drawls" and just start the dialogue up again immediately after "she retorts." It would look like:
"... I'm not your mother," she retorts. "Still, I'd say about a month..."
I'd say it fits well enough.

“Your name’s Oscar, right?” she murmurs, softly.

No comma after "murmurs".

“Welcome to purgatory, Oscar. May it never become hell for you,” she whispers. As this sinks in, she turns around, facing a metal, steel-blue door.

It would be better if you moved "she whispers" to right after "Oscar." Next, just to mix up the sentence structure, change "she turns around, facing a..." to "she turns around and faces a..." It feels better. Lastly, I'd get rid of the "As this sinks in". Phrases like that are signs of a writer who can't think of anything to write. So the final product will:
"Welcome to purgatory, Oscar," she whispers. "May it never become hell for you." She turns around and faces a metal, steel-blue door.
"Come on. The Doctor's expecting us."

I have to say, I'm impressed. I haven't enjoyed something on YWS this much in a long time. The pace was fast, the narration intriguing, and overall, I'm glad I read it. It felt original.
And I hope you know, I was a little more critical than usual while reading this because I felt that you are of the ability to actually learn from intense nitpicking.
Well, that's all I've got so say.
Thanks for writing.

This is part one, so it doesn't kick off that much until the next part (if I decide to continue). If you think it is awful, I will instantly forget the work.

The beginning always needs to be your kick off, and not have it wait till later. This is what determines whether your reader wants to continue or not.

I remember two screams (mine? Or maybe two of the passengers?) and someone shouting, “Oh my God!” (was that me?)

Parentheses are no-nos for things like this. I'm sure you are intelligent enough to find a way to mix those in perfectly with your story.

Lights. White, blue, a shade of mint-green. Cooling colors. Shallow breaths.
“We’re losing him.”
I shouldn’t even be breathing. That’s a nice thing to think about. I wish there was a mirror. Although, judging by the feeling of harsh cuts, chunks of me mauled out, the cool, refrigerated air sweeping on raw flesh, I’m not sure I’d want to look at it.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. That’s what I hear; beeping. The monotony of beeping is quite OK, if not pleasant. I start counting the seconds between beeps.
“We’re going to have to put him on stasis.”
Beep. One, two- Beep. One, two- Beep. One- Beep. One, two- Beep.
“Are you sure?”
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
“Positive. We can put in the other fixtures later.”
Beep, beep, beep, beep. The beeps are getting faster.
“We’re lucky that he’s still alive.”
Still alive... I wish I could know that for sure.
Am I alive?

I like the short paragraphs here. It shows the quickness of the situation. But a suggestion would be to put it in italics.

Numb, aching.

How can you be numb, but aching at the same time? Elaborate.

Overall: Decent piece, but needs some more description. When he wakes up, explain his surroundings. Wouldn't the lights be blinding or the noises loud? As far as that I see nothing else big to mention. If you need any help or a review, feel free to PM me on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf