Young Writers Society

Hi! Well, I'm working on this story and I may take quite a while to put up the next chapters as I'm just getting accustomed to the hectic life of a college girl. Anyway please critique the story. Also, the first chapter may not give out much, please be patient.

Also, the title is temporary as I can't think of anything else. Suggestions for title highly appreciated
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"Beep-Beep." I hear the alarm go and the next instant my face was bathed in white light. Rubbing out the sand from my eyes, I stretch and get up. I cross out another day of existence on the calendar. I walk up to the sink and brush my teeth. Watching the automatic tap stop gushing out water, I think of my routine. It's been the same for the past 17 years. There has been no surprises, my birthday gifts had always been a large chocolate cake. I have always worn white clothes, either white pant or a white skirt. My hair was always trimmed to an exact length and I was never to let it loose. This expanse of whiteness will be the cause of my death I'm sure.
Now, I'm standing under the shower, looking at the white wall, through the droplets of water sticking to my eyelashes. Sometimes, I think my life is one big white canvas, waiting to be splashed with colours. I just wonder how much longer I'd have to wait. I put on my white suit, the one which has a striped collar and pull up my hair in a ponytail. I look at the pale white face staring at me through the mirror. I have always longed to have rich chocolate-like skin that Carmen has. Or a face with lots of dark spots, like Rufus. It adds variety to the face, I feel. Rufus and Carmen are my friends, I like them. They visit me often, sometimes together, sometimes with serious-looking friends of theirs. I hear the door open, and I can see the reflection of Rufus bringing in my bowl of oats.

Rufus smiles at me and says, "G'mornin' li'l Kelce! Here's breakfast for you." I don't get it why he calls me little. I mean I am taller than him, or maybe he's just short because Carmen is also taller than him, which reminds me, I've to ask him something that's been bothering me.
"When's Carmen going to come? I haven't seen her for days."
"Don't worry Kelce. She promised she'll be here today."
Rufus stares into space, while I spoon in mouthfuls of oats.

A few minutes later, the door opens again and in walks Carmen, looking as exotic and beautiful as ever. Rufus jumps up and almost runs out to meet her. I guess he'd been missing her as much as I did. But I don't run to meet her. I don't like what he does. It annoys me for some reason . They're now kissing each other furiously. I can see her hands clutching Rufus' dirty blonde hair. It's always been like this with them. When they're alone with only me around they kiss for a long time. However when their other friends are here, they just sort of kiss, more like their lips brush against each other. For the first time, I feel embarrassed watching them kiss. Also, I feel a weird something gnawing at my stomach. I look away and quickly empty my bowl and pick up one of my books to read.

Hi, I'm OxfordandOnyx... Let the revewing begin! (:

I am aware you said this first chapter will not give away much so I wil bare that in mind. However, I will not be able to give as detailed review as I would like to.

Grammer
You need to reread this chapter and sort out a view grammer issues that are easily noticebale to me. However, as an author myself I know when reading over your own work, these mistakes are easy to miss.

Character
So far we do not know alot about your character so already the reader is looking forward to a bit of background. You given us hints on how she feels about Rufus and Carmen but maybe give us a bit more? You say, "I don't like it?" when refering to the couple kissing, what doesn't your character like? This sentance seems misplaced to me.
"For the first time, I feel embarrasses watching them", why does your character feel like this?
The answers to these questions are floating around in the air here and they are the type of questions that needs an immediate response or your going to leave readers confused.
However, I do like the teasing between Rufus and Kelce. It's chatty/informal dialouge that loosens up the very plain atmosphere that the main characters has crated around herself (everything's white and we can already smell the self-dislike and jealously of others)

Other
I do like how you have managed to convey the message of 'everything's white' already, without directly stating it but you could have explanded on this...
You haven't included any details about the big picture, so this just seems as though it's set in a white box or a far off pale planet. Where is set? Is it in a city? A small town? Planet Earth? The Sun? Be snappy in answering a few of these questions- I'm getting curious already. I cannot paint a picture of the scene in my head at all, you need describe the character surroundings even if you feel it doesn't necessarily need explaining as everything surrounding the characters is white.
As for the ending of your chapter....
Seeing as this chapter is so short, the reader needs to be hooked and find a reason to read on and continue your story. Your last line trails off and is uninteresting, I think you should have finsihed with a swift change in events. Maybe with one that leaves us on a bit of a chiff hanger- this doesn't have to be anyting too dramatic but just enough to keep the reader wanting to hear more of your story. For example (this a completely random example) : "We all paused as the door slowly creaked open. He walked in", this isn't a fantasitc sentance but immediately the reader is wondering, "Well, who walked in?". It adds anticipation.

Overall

You have managed to create a very laid back and friendly atmosphere and I am already looking forward to reading your next chapter. I hope to find more out about the world you ahve created and the characters to occupy it!
This is a wonderful start (:
Good Luck!

OxfordandOnyx

Hi!
I think your story was good, if a little vague. The main character seems kind of pessimistic while evaluating herself in the mirror, which I thought was interesting.
I liked how you described Carmen as something exotic and completely opposite of Kelce(?).
If you could just include more detail in your next installment it would be very good and give your readers a much needed insight to your characters and their world.
Good luck! Keep writing!

Thanks for the review guys. I'm putting up the 2nd chapter now. Also, it takes place on earth. No weird planets here.

~lava

Hiya! I've had this bookmarked for a little while, and I've finally been able to come and review! Hoorah for me.
OK, I feel like nitpicking, since there's not much to comment on in terms of plot pace/structure etc, as this is a nicely short piece.

"Beep-Beep." I hear the alarm go and the next instant my face was bathed in white light. Rubbing out the sand from my eyes, I stretch and get up. I cross out another day of existence on the calendar.

Tense? You have both present and past here! I'm guessing it's present from reading on, but I think this was just a slip. However, this has great potential for an opener. I would suggest having it like this: "Beep-beep. I hear the alarm go and in the next moment my face is bathed in white light. Rubbing out the sand from my eyes, I stretch and get up, crossing out another day of existence on the calender."

There has been no surprises, my birthday gifts had always been a large chocolate cake.

"There have been no surprises - my birthday gifts have always been a single, large chocolate cake."

My hair was always trimmed to an exact length and I was never to let it loose.

Maybe, "My hair is always trimmed to an exact length and I never let it loose." I think that maybe you're trying to intimate that she's not allowed to have it loose, and if so maybe make that clearer.

Now, I'm standing under the shower, looking at the white wall, through the droplets of water sticking to my eyelashes.

"Now, I'm standing under the shower, looking at the white wall through the droplets of water sticking to my eyelashes." I don't think you need that extra comma.

Those are my only little things, otherwise it was really great! Just your ending, which someone else has mentioned: I get the feeling that your MC might be getting feelings for Rufus, so maybe instead of having just "I look away and quickly empty my bowl and pick up one of my books to read.", maybe have "to distract myself" or "to take my mind off them" or something, instead of "to read". Great stuff! I'll look up part two when I get a chance. Please PM me with any questions or anything!
~*cottonrulz*~

i loved this beginning!! i liked a lot of the things you said, like the part about everything being so 'white' in her life. the only feeling i wasn't too sure about (forgive me my reading comprehension isn't so great) was exactly how she felt about Carmen and Rufus. was she annoyed? or more like jealous because she has feelings for Rufus/Carmen? a tiny bit of explanation there would help, i think. i really like the slow start, though. i don't like writers who have a billion things to take in in their first chapter. details and backgrounds tend to bore me.

so awesome job!! i really want to see your other chapters

I really like the way you write, and the way you describe things... Maybe use that to give us a setting? We don't know much from this first chapter, hopefully more will come. The main character Kelse, I'm a little split between right now, as she seems very self conscious. Seeing as it is so short, I'm sure there will be more, and I'm sure it will get better. Keep writing it, I am excited to see what it is about.

Your story was fantastic! i really liked it... you should seriously expand it.

my life is a white canvas waiting to be filled with colors

this is one of the best lines I've ever read! do write more.

I was left pretty confused after reading this first chapter. I am definitely willing to read more, but as previous suggestions say, you should look over your grammar and elaborate your MC's thoughts. If you polish and correct and nip and tuck, this will be an excellent beginning for what I am sure will be a interesting story. Let me know if there's anything you need.

I did enjoy this quite a lot and felt that you set a very interesting and curious atmosphere of mystery that people would like to find out more about. I reckon you could portray the character a bit more, delve more into her thought and feelings about this white life, build the characters so that the reader cares about them.

Hi, I liked reading through this piece but here are some things I think you can fix and refine to make it even better.

First off, you constantly switched tenses (past,present) and this can easily put off any reader. Choose one and stick with it all the way. An example:

"Beep-Beep." I hear the alarm go and the next instant my face was bathed in white light.

I understand the need to have Kelce look in the mirror to describe/compare herself to her friends, but I think this is too common a technique and personally, it puts me off. I wonder if you can find a more creative way to add her description in there.

As other people pointed out, the atmosphere is laid back, but for me it's too laid back. Nothing actually happens to hook me and make me want to read more. That being said, there is a certain mystery as to why everything is as white as it is. Is she in a hospital or some other facility with uniforms and what-not? And her friends are visiting her or they live there with her?

Your character development was good. At the end you start to see Rufus and Carmen as more than just friends and then Kelce's reaction to them kissing is interesting. She doesn't like them kissing. Why? This would make me want to read more. A little more insight into Kelce would be nice. You'll find this will give her a stronger voice and perhaps make plain her reasons for being so glum.

There has been no surprises, my birthday gifts had always been a large chocolate cake.

Tense again, and maybe you could make this two sentences? Dare I suggest a semi-colon? I know those can be tricky, so use it at your own discretion. Also change gifts to gift since you're only talking about the one cake.

There have been no surprises; my birthday gift has always been a large chocolate cake.

I would like to read more. Keep it up!

Thanks for the comments. I'll start editing it properly once my assessment tests are done with.

This seems like something to read. I now have to read the new chapters just to figure out what's going on. I already think that it takes place in a hospital,asylum,or some lab.

Through I may be wrong this seems quite fascinating so I'll look forward for the new chapters.

It may be just me but I feel that Rufus and Carmen have some sort of relationship. All this seems familiar but maybe I am just thinking to hard.

Well can't wait till the next one.

This story is too vague despite your early warning. We need a hint of something about to happen.
Science Fiction is set into ten main categories:
Hard Science Fiction
This focuses on one particular area of science, particularly chemistry, physics and astrophysics.
Soft/Social Science Fiction
This focuses on different areas of science including psychology, economics and anthropology.
Cyberpunk
This is focused on the near future that centres on artificial intelligence and advancements in the computer.
Time travel
This predictably involves some form of time travel, normally a time machine.
Alternative history
These suggest how things may have turned out if history was changed slightly ie the Axis winning World War Two.
Military Science Fiction
This is based around war between national, interplanetary or intergalactic armed forces.
Superhuman
These involve humans with unnatural powers.
Apocalyptic
Involving the end of the world, or some pandemic.
Space Opera
Surrounds romance in galaxies where numerous races posses different technologies. The settings, characters, battles, powers and themes are commonly large scale.
Space Western
Set in the future but based on past events often in the west of the USA. Such as rebellious colonies.
You have given no inclination whatsoever as to what category this story falls into. This first chapter has nothing to do with science fiction.
Whilst a start has been made, serious work needs to be done if this story is going to make it.
Calmal.

This is a fantastic starting chapter- you're writing is beautiful, and flows gracefully!
You've thrust a lot of questions into my mind, and undoubtedly many other minds, and I hope you're doing this on purpose to create a sense of mystery- some things are a little vague, and it is good to give the reader some clue as to what's going on! Why is everything white? This seems a really weird idea to open with- is it just because her family are a little kooky, or is there supernatural happenings going on? Weird though it is, it has certainly got me interested!
The characters of Rufus and Carmen are interesting, but I think they deserve a little back story- how did they get together? How did they meet Kelce? I hope the next chapter answers these and other questions. But that's not to say I don't want any new mysteries! This seems like the kind of book where the entire thing is clouded with suspense, and you have not got a clue what is actually happening, until the very end.
I love those kinds of books, but if that's not what you're writing, you do need to answer some questions.
Overall, a fantastic opening chapter- easy to read and wonderful writing. Nice job!
~Lightning