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(Unnamed) chapter one



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Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:26 pm
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Stealth_Slicer says...



I had some spare time so thought I would quickly type up chapter one I don’t think it is as good as it could have been had I had more time but any hope it is liked all comments welcome

P.S. as I have said many times I am not good with punctuation

__________________________________________________________________________________________
The Lizarians and humans make a great discovery, and attempt to take it back with them but the "great discovery" has other ideas.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

I walked slowly with Professor Matson into the meeting room. Matson was fifty-two had short white hair, and for some bizarre reason always wore black trousers a shirt, and white lab coat. The room was dark there was a black hose shoe shaped table in the middle of the room. The room was empty apart from that was painted a dull grey and had a screen in the wall opposite the head of the table. Seven people were already there we were late again. Four of them were Lizarian and the rest were human. Lizarians were the ones who had helped us develop space travel, and what were commonly known as warp rift generator drives; more commonly known as warp or rift drives. They were reptilian creatures that stood on two feet and looked like lizards from back on Earth. Lizarians had four clawed fingers and a thumb. Each of their feet had three toes each with large claws. Their scales were a brilliant emerald green had orange eyes with slit pupils. I didn’t pay attention to anyone and just sat down in my seat next to the professor.

“Now that we are all here I believe the professor has something to begin with,” a female Lizarian said at the top of the table. She was the Lizarian leader, they referred to her as the princess. She was slender and looked much weaker than many; but I knew not to underestimate someone.

“The Samaro graveyard has stalled all attempts to explore it by disrupting sensor equipment. We have developed a working prototype model, that we believe will allow us to push deep into the graveyard,” the professor began. The Samaro graveyard was an entire system blanketed in a thick dust cloud, no one knows much for sure appart from the rough size; that is about twice the distance form the sun to Jupiter. The reason we wanted to explore it was to locate Ancestor relics. The Ancestors were believed to be the Lizarians forefathers who had a massive empire, and were highly advanced. However they simply disappeared leaving behind relics in remote areas of the galaxy.

“When will we be able to test it?” asked a well-built lizarian opposite me. He was Commander Soraka a well-respected member of the Lizarian AEF (Assault and Exploration Fleet).

“As soon as tomorrow morning, the prototype is being transported here as we speak.” the professor replied happily. Soraka nodded.

“Presuming this works and we find Ancestor relics I want you commander to ignore protocol and bring them directly to Lizaria for examination.” the princess ordered calmly.

“As you wish my princess.” Soraka replied.

Twenty-six hours later

I was standing on the bridge of a Lizarian battleship. The room was circular. The rear walls were full of screens and control panels with Lizarians operating them. The front wall was a huge reinforced viewing window. Everything in front of us was a brown and orange smudge. The professor was next to me he was holding a laptop, that was linked to the prototype he nodded to Soraka.

“Take us in,” he ordered. The ship powered forward into the cloud. Through the thick dust I could make out black shapes. When we got closer they turned out to be bits of ships ranging from wings to engines. We went on for two hours stopping regularly to check the prototype. Eventually we came to a clearing in the cloud. The clearing was massive, there was a small dying red dwarf star at the centre with huge amounts of debris orbiting it.

“Sir we have reached the centre of the cloud,” a female voice from behind me said.

“Prototype is functioning normally,” the professor added. I was looking at the wrecks when my eye stopped on one that was much bigger than the rest.

“What’s that?” I asked pointing at the wreck.

“Zoom in.” Soraka ordered a square appeared around the object then stretched to the length of the window. The wreck was neatly curved at the sides and back but the front was frayed to the point of disintegration, like it had been ripped off by shear force. In the heart of the wreck was a ship. It was a perfect cylinder shape with a right-angled triangle tail fin and two more I could just about make out through the gaps in the decaying metal. There was a small domed bridge section not far from the base of the top fin. Also atop every fin was a box shape with a single huge barrel stretching out from it. The front of the ship was hollowed in like a cone, its sides were ridged however like a flight of stairs leading inwards. Also there was a small slit on the left side of the ship. The light from the dying sun of the graveyard resembled the light of a slowly setting sun on earth. The light glinted and danced on the wreck, and its perfectly preserved prize. The dying light made it look almost too amazing to be real.

“Move in,” Soraka ordered a moment later the ship was heading towards the wreck. We reached it a few moments later. Soraka stood up and gazed upon it he opened his mouth to speak but just couldn’t find the words. I don’t think anyone could. A concerned deep voiced male Lizarian who was sitting at the sensor terminal abruptly and unpleasantly broke the silence.

“Sir massive power spike coming from the object!” he shouted.

“Could it be the prototype failing?” Soraka asked bewildered.

“No…Its not the prototype its coming from the ship,” replied the professor.

“It’s hailing us,” the female said.

“Accept it's request. It properly an automated message,” Soraka ordered. The sound of static and a scrambled, unidentifiable voice spoke out then the channel closed.

“Move in with boarding frigates,” Soraka ordered. Moments later two oblong ships moved in. They had a small square bridge coming out of the top and three engines on the back. The ships were unarmed and had no windows or identifying marks. The ships reached the wreck.

“Docking port detected moving in,” a lizarian from the lead frigate said as they moved inside the slit. There was silence for about five minuets then suddenly the ship lit up.

“Sir power restored warp drive and engines online,” the leader said clearly over the communication channel. The ship slowly lifted from the ship and moved over to us.

“Good let’s go home activate warp drive and head for Lizaria,” Soraka ordered. A large blue and white scar shape opened in front of us both sips went through it.

“Sir drive multifunction detected I’m locked out of the system,” a male said behind me. My vision went white.

I woke up some time later and looked around. Everyone had ether fallen asleep at their posts or had flopped to the ground. Soraka was in front of me he twitched, opened his eyes and got up. Within a minute everyone was awake. I looked out the window in front of us was a brown half sphere; it was full of lights and windows. Underneath it was a stretched circular portion of the object that had a large slit in it. I looked inside and saw some ships, but there were too far to get a decent look at them.

“Sir the main cannon weapon is charging we can’t stop it!” shouted the leader on the other ship; that was slightly in front to our left. Seconds later there was a blinding white beam coming from the ship. The beam hit the station causing several explosions. When the attack ceased half the station was breaking apart. The cannon fired again and the station exploded in a fiery display.

“The dive is back under control,” the female Lizarian said.

“Take us home…” Soraka said slowly and cautiously. We opened another scar shaped rift and headed through.



----------------------------------------------------
Battleship Zakoro black box recording
01:59
Zilik station ruins
Six hours after the attack

----------------------------------------------------

“Evidence of Ancestor weapons detected,” a gruff voice said.

“Impossible the Ancestors are long gone.” said another contradicting the first.

“Lizarian rift drive use detected,” added a third

“Lizarians wouldn’t know we are here,” replied the first

“Enough!” boomed a considerably more aggressive voice “The station has been destroyed. The Lizarians must be annihilated just liked their Ancestors prepare a full invasion force,”

“Yes General Rovok,” many other voices said in union.
----------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Stealth_Slicer on Mon Dec 07, 2009 5:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Mon Nov 16, 2009 9:16 pm
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McMourning says...



Hi.
I love science fiction; I always have. And, I find your story interesting. It has a good start. It starts differently than a lot of other sci-fi.

You switch between capitalizing Lizarian and not capitalizing it.
Sorry, I realize you admitted that you're not good with punctuation, but I have some other grammar points to address, that I think will help it.

Stealth_Slicer wrote:The room was dark there was a black hose shoe shaped table in the middle of the room.The room was empty apart from that was painted a dull grey and had a screen in the wall opposite the top of the table.

The room was dark. There was a black horseshoe-shaped table in the middle of the room. The room was empty apart from that. The walls were painted a dull grey and...

Now, I get lost. There was a screen in the wall opposite the top of the table? Do you mean opposite the head? What is the head of a horseshoe-shaped table? The loop?

Stealth_Slicer wrote:“Accept its request. It properly an automated message” Soraka ordered.

"Accept its request.It's probably an automated message," Soraka ordered. (Ordered probably isnt the best word there, either.)

Stealth_Slicer wrote:what were commonly known as warp rift generator drives more commonly known as warp or rift drives.

Warp is a term that comes from Star Trek. In real life, it's called FTL (faster than light). Certainly, it's a more recognizable term, though.

And, a rift drive is different. A rift is like a wormhole. Think the rifts of Torchwood or Flash Gordon.

I don't know if it's possible to combine them. They could possibly have both. Opening a rift may be faster than warp speed, but maybe it uses so much power that they don't use it often.

Again, interesting stuff...

--McMourning
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Mon Nov 16, 2009 9:44 pm
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Talulahbelle says...



Hey. I think McMourning pretty much covered the grammar, but if you want to PM me I'll be glad to help you with the punctuation rules and all that jazz. Other than that I would suggest that you read out loud to yourself. Do your sentences flow off the tongue easily? Do you get tongue tied? Pay attention to the flow of your words...sometimes I forget how important the flow is and I have to go back and read out loud to myself (people constantly walk in on me and give me the weirdest looks!).
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Mon Nov 16, 2009 9:57 pm
Stealth_Slicer says...



McMourning wrote:Warp is a term that comes from Star Trek. In real life, it's called FTL (faster than light). Certainly, it's a more recognizable term, though.

And, a rift drive is different. A rift is like a wormhole. Think the rifts of Torchwood or Flash Gordon.

I don't know if it's possible to combine them. They could possibly have both. Opening a rift may be faster than warp speed, but maybe it uses so much power that they don't use it often.


Ok to clear that up I have never watched Torchwood or Flash Gordon. I saw one or two episodes of Star Trek, but too long ago to remember anything about them. So I don't think relating WRDs in this to any one of the shows will help. Basically what the WRD dose is it creates an unstable rift (like a Hyperspace window) that allows it to go much faster than a warp drive but uses the same signature as a warp drive. As for the power requirements we are talking huge amounts yes, but the drives are only on big battleships or carriers everything ells has a regular Warp drive. Hope this takes out the confusion.

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Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:52 pm
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Stealth_Slicer says...



Talulahbelle wrote:Hey. I think McMourning pretty much covered the grammar, but if you want to PM me I'll be glad to help you with the punctuation rules and all that jazz. Other than that I would suggest that you read out loud to yourself. Do your sentences flow off the tongue easily? Do you get tongue tied? Pay attention to the flow of your words...sometimes I forget how important the flow is and I have to go back and read out loud to myself (people constantly walk in on me and give me the weirdest looks!).


Yes please can you help me?

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Tue Nov 24, 2009 5:48 pm
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HannahDutson_x says...



Really interesting x You have many good ideas with your books and its really good. x
Keep on writing :)
If all the world was apple pie and all the sea were ink, If all the trees were bread and cheese what do we have to drink?
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Sun Dec 06, 2009 8:50 pm
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Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Hi, it's me again! :) You have a couple reviews on this already, so I'll be nit-picky and gritty.

The Lizarians and humans make a great discovery, and attempt to take it back with them but the "great discovery" has other ideas.
I like your wording here, but I think you should change up the punctuation. For example, you might say something like: 'The Lizarians and humans make a great discovery and attempt to take it back with them....However, the "great discovery" has other ideas.' And also, how can you take a great discovery with you? Did they discover some sort of strange beast?

Apparently Talulahbelle covered the punctuation stuff in a PM, so I'm going to skip most of the rest of those problems.

Seven people were already here there we were late again.
If you use 'here', you appear to be using present tense, and that's a big no-no because you started the story with past tense. It's OK to switch tenses in dialogue some of the time, but don't switch tenses during narration unless the story specifically needs it or calls for it. Otherwise, switching tenses terribly confuses the reader.

Lizarians were the ones who had helped us develop space travel,
Add bolded word--here it's OK to switch tenses because it was done in the past before your narration. Otherwise, you wouldn't have all these fancy gadgets on the table, would you?

They were reptilian creatures that stood on two feet and looked like lizards from back on Earth. They had four clawed fingers and a thumb.
Here you start 2 consecutive sentences with the same word. It's not horrible, but it's not that great either. You can switch around words and/or use different ones so that you don't ever start 2 (or more) consecutive sentences with the same word ever again.

but I knew not to underestimate people.
I thought the Princess was a Lizarian? How then can she be a person, which technically means human?

“The Samaro graveyard has stalled all attempts to explore it by disrupting sensor equipment. We have developed a working prototype model, that we believe will allow us to push deep into the graveyard” The professor began. The Samaro graveyard was an entire system blanketed in a thick dust cloud that thwarted all attempts to explore it.
This part is a little redundant. We just learned in the professor's dialogue that this strange graveyard place is extremely difficult to work with/learn about. For the last sentence of this quote, you could take out the attempts to explore it part and add in some extra details about the place, like how big this system actually is.

AEF (assault and exploration fleet)
Assault, exploration, and fleet all have to be capitalized--they're part of an acronym. (Is that the name for it? I wonder...)

Twenty-six hours later
This should either be bolded or put in italics. If it's just plain text, like it is in your chapter, then the reader will get confused and assume that it's actually a part of the real story, not an informative text heading out of what's actually happening.

The ship began to power forward into the cloud.
Huh? :? What the heck does 'power forward' mean? I've never heard that phrase ever before, so just wondering.

bits of ship ranging from wings to engines
Are these part of one ship? If so, then put 'a' in front of 'ship'. If not, then add an s to the end of ship and consider adding a quantitative word (e.g. many, some, etc.) in front of 'ship'.

There was a small dome bridge section
I'm not quite sure what you meant here. Like, did you mean to put 'domed' there instead of dome? And what does a 'dome bridge section' mean, anyway?

The front of the ship was hollowed in like a cone shape
You don't need 'shape' in there after cone. Cone by itself works just fine in the sentence.

resembled the light of a slowly setting sun on earth.
Add bolded word, or the reader will get confused.

its perfectly preserved prise
I'm not quite sure this is the correct use of 'prise'. The dictionary says it basically means the 3rd definition of 'prize', and the 3rd definition of 'prize' says: 1. leverage or 2. a lever. So, don't know what you meant by your usage of 'prise'.

The dying liked made it look almost too amazing to be real.
What is the 'dying liked'? Did you mean the 'dying light'? I can't be sure, since you're the author.

“Sir drive multifunction detected I’m locked out of the system” a male sad said behind me
Change 'sad' to 'said'.

My vision went white.
Shouldn't this be black? Because usually the term is 'blacked out' or something like that.

Within a minuet minute everyone was awake.
Yeah--a minuet is a musical dance! I'm pretty sure you meant minute, though.

Battleship Zakoro black box recording
01:59
Zilik station ruins
Six hours after the attack
I personally think this would look better in either a different font or italics.

“Yes general Rovok”
General should be capitalized since this Rovok is clearly one of important position.

However, this was a great 1st chapter! Very suspenseful and exciting, as well as action-driven. Also, I like how the parts of the story lead up to the next pieces. This is shaping up to be a very interesting book...I'm probably going to review chapter 3 as well. Hope you continue this series! :D
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

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Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:38 am
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Fruits_Basket99Tohru says...



Here I am, yet again! :) A review for your updated version comin' up...

I commented on your opening sentence already, but I think you didn't change anything except making it italicized.

Matson was fifty-two had short white hair,
Comma after fifty-two.

, and for some bizarre reason, always wore black trousers, a shirt, and a white lab coat
Add in the 2 bolded commas and the bolded word.

The room was dark there was a black hose shoe shaped table
I think it would be more clear to say: 'The room was dark, with a black horseshoe shaped table...'

I didn’t pay attention to anyone and just sat down in my seat next to the professor.
I suggest replacing 'just' with 'simply'.

We have developed a working prototype model, that we believe will allow us to push deep into the graveyard,
No need for the 1st comma.

but I knew not to underestimate someone
I suggest replacing someone with anyone.

no one knows much for sure appart apart from the rough size


There were still quite a few punctuation mistakes. If you want, I could PM you suggestions for your story. Anyway, great job! This is so much better than before. Happy writing! :D
"We're all born with selfish desires, so we can all relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is something made individually by each person...so it's easy to misunderstand when others are trying to be kind to you."
--Fruits Basket Book 1, page 134

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Gravity was a mistake.
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