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27 - Prologue



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Sat Dec 05, 2009 4:48 pm
Jenthura says...



“27!”
This was the moment 27 had been waiting for; the end to her suffering on this mudball of a planet. The shout reverberated in the immense caverns of Kyll, and far, far above bats flew around the spotlights suspended a hundred feet over the shouter. Before the first echo died a second one rang out.
“27! Report to the Whipping Block!”
Officially, the giant square stone in the center of the mining pit was called the Assembly Platform, but the guards and prisoners of Kyll had gotten used to calling it the Whipping Block. Mostly for the numerous times a forgetful or unlucky offender was stripped down and lashed till their blood ran in red lines across the Block. Every miserable soul shrank back into the deepest pits of their minds at the mention of the Block, but not 27: not she.
Slowly, the young girl straightened up; dropping the pickaxe she’d been working with. With her hazel eyes burning up with excitement, she strode across the muddy ground towards the Block. Whispers and murmurs flowed around her as she passed the throngs of workers, each too terrified to work as they watched her march up to the Block. The glaring electric lights revealed the paleness of her face, but it was a face drawn with a fierce determination.
27 jumped, put one hand on the top of the six-foot Block and pulled herself up, grunting a slight bit from the stiffness of the beating only the night before. Even though she was only a woman (and not much of one; barely a slip of a girl) her arms were strong and rippled with muscles brought out by the heavy labor of Kyll.
In the exact center was a stake propped up with two-ton ammunition crates and around it a menacing circle of guardsmen. The man who’d called out her number was a red-faced general with a black-handled, cruel-looking whip coiled up under his arm.
“27!” the general shouted for the third time, even thought she was close enough to punch his beet-red nose in. “You have been condemned to death on the stake for harming a senior officer–” 27 snickered. “–and repeated insubordinate behavior after numerous punishments of varying degrees of severity! Do you have anything to say for yourself!”
His last sentence was a question, but in no way did he mean it as one: he’d had as much crap from 27 as he would take, and she knew it. Without waiting for her to answer, three of the guard grabbed her dirty linen prison dress and tore it down to her feet, flinging the repulsive thing away as if it were infected with a contagious skin disease (which, given the nature of Kyll prison-cells, might have been true). Even then, standing naked in front of a score of men, 27 did not flinch. Hers was a resolved fate, a grim one, an unshakable tower in the veritable explosion of earthquakes around her.
“Step up to the stake,” the general shrieked, and his voiced seemed to echo in mining pit. “Tie her.”
The latter command was directed to the men who’d so neatly undressed her. Grinning from ear to ear, they quickly complied, making the thin ropes cut like wire into 27’s white wrists.
Slowly the general unwound the whip, snapping it in the air for effect. Make no mistake, he was the worst coward from one end of the galaxy to the other, but you couldn’t find a better crack at the whip than from his cruel hands. For punishments he’d been relenting, and had comparatively drawn only a little blood. But now it was time to kill, and he would be as merciless and harsh as the iron shards of his weapon.
Swish! Snik!
A groan rose from the multitude of people surrounding the Block, some of the weaker among then fainted, and even a few of the younger guards paled at the sight of the dirty-brown blood that streaked the small of 27’s back, but 27 herself gripped her lower lip tightly with her teeth and set her mind into a lock. Her entire back burned up with fire, and she’d only tasted the whip, but she knew it would be over sooner than anybody –especially she– hoped.
Swish! Snik!
The whip sang out again, doubling the number of strokes on her body, and opening her soul to death ever so wider. The pain was unreal to 27, almost as if she was set aside from her own body, and yet, at the same time, feeling every deep cut so intimately she could count the knots on the whip.
A hundred times the whip made an ugly trace on 27. Each time the whip sizzled through the air, throwing specks of blood up to a hundred feet away. 27’s lips bled as ardently as her back now, pierced over and over by her pain-clenched teeth. Her back was a pulpy mess of red and pinkish-grey, and the horrible whitish humps of her spine showed through, a sight that sickened most of the guards to the point that even the hardened ones looked away. They were fiends and brutes all of them, but deep inside their hearts they were craven cowards.
“Enough!” one prisoner screamed, but the general didn’t even register the sympathetic plead.
On and on the strokes came, stinging 27 to the point that her nerves no longer carried the pain to her mind. Her hands slipped down the stake until she was kneeling in the pool of her own blood, but still the merciless red-faced general continued, blowing and snorting with the effort each stroke required.
Finally, at stroke number one-hundred-twenty-seven, 27’s indomitable spirit fell under five times the normal death-quota. Average death-whippings ended when the prisoner fell screaming to the ground, his insides spilling out from the rents in his carcass, but it was always below twenty-five whippings –the bodies gave out long after the minds of the poor devils did.
The circle of guards and the red-faced general watched as 27 stared up at them through her brilliant eyes, flashing death warnings and curses to them all without saying a word. Each man that she stared at dropped his gaze or look away, save one: the general. After mopping his perspiring face on a large white napkin, the blood-spattered man looked down on 27’s face with a cruel smirk on his lips. He kicked her head with the tip of his boot and enjoyed the sudden, hapless anger that flew into her gaze.
“Take her away,” 27 heard him say, faintly, as though through a murky distance of water. “Dump her into the Pit.”
Trembling, white hands cut her bonds and hoisted her body into the air, sending her head over heels down an impressive drop that ended only when human sight did. The guards stood around aimlessly, listening to the swish of 27’s body as she fell. Long did they listen, but never a man among them heard her hit the rocks below that ground her into pulp. Not one of them ever saw her again…in that body.


I know it doesn't sound sci-fi, but it will in the later chapters.
Last edited by Jenthura on Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Sat Dec 05, 2009 10:55 pm
Suzuhara says...



[Hi there, these are my thoughts!]

1.) Whispers and murmurs flowed around her liquidly [This isn't a real adverb] as she passed the throngs of workers, each too terrified to work as they watched her march up to the Block.


2.) His last sentence was worded grammatically as a question, but in no way did he mean it: he’d had as much crap from 27 as he would take, and she knew it.


3.) The whip sang out again, doubling the number of strokes on her body and heart, swelling her number of vengeances (there's no plural form of this word)to pay, opening her body to death ever so wider.


4.) Twenty-five times the whip made an ugly trace on 27. Twenty-five times the whip sizzled through the air, throwing specks of blood up to a hundred feet away. 27’s lip bled as ardently as her back now, pierced over and over by her pain-clenched teeth. Her back was a pulpy mess of red and pinkish-grey, a sight that sickened most of the guards to the point of the weaker ones turning away or closing their eyes. They were fiends and brutish enough, but deep inside their hearts were craven and cowardly.

[Wait, what is she feeling? You never mention the kind of pain she's suffering. It's too disconnecting from the reader if 27 is your MC]



[Hey Jenthura, you start the story in a very interesting way and it keeps my attention all the way through. I really liked it even though some of the part were hard to read. I think you need to connect us a little more to 27 because sometimes I'm not feeling her pain. Also look out for simple grammatical errors. Aside from that, it was good and I hope you post more!]
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Sun Dec 06, 2009 6:59 am
JabberHut says...



Hi there!

This was excellent. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the story. Your description was admirable. When I finished reading, I noticed my body was tensed up. This is good!

There were plenty of grammar mistakes that you can easy catch after a quick read through. There were points where you used colons or semis that didn't really belong. Check out the Writing Tips KB for articles that could help you out there.

27 is a very interesting character in that she can endure so much pain. It's almost mary-sue-ish how she can endure four times as much pain as the others (or something like that, yes?). Unless there's a perfectly good reason for that, you may have to lessen the number of whips they give.

To help the reader relate to 27 a bit better, start this section with her working. Put us in her mind, let us see her talk with fellow workers, and give us some background information about her. She's a person just like any of us, right? Let's see what makes her tick.

Besides that, I see this going a long way! I can't wait to see more.

Keep writing!

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Mon Dec 07, 2009 5:29 am
lilymoore says...



Wow, I’m really glad that Jabber mentioned this piece to me. Oh hello there, it is I, lily of the moore. :D *terrible pun*

I didn’t find any errors with this but I do have a few a few suggestions.

First off, I think the pace was a bit rushed. Taking a little more time to really describe the pain would be good and show a little more of her attitude would be nice.

Also, I understand that their in a mine, but I don’t really get much of a feel for what this mine looks like. I’m not meaning a full page or anything on description but it would be nice to know something as simple as what it is they’re mining. Little details have a lot of impact.

Overall, I did really enjoy reading this and I liked 27’s attitude of being rather nonchalant and hard to phase rather tough girl attitude.

Keep writing, please. And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore
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Fri Dec 25, 2009 4:16 pm
napalmerski says...



Yo!
An intriguing begging!
Since 27 is killed of so early, either a ressurection awaits as, or a revenge or something. And we are also to find out whether this is Earth, or another planet, or the future, etc. Super. Now a few basi remarks:
The other prisoners shake in fear as she goes to the whipping block? Some faint? What, have they been there for a day only? Still not used to their fate? Perhaps you are overplaying how meek and easily shockable are the other inmates, in order to underlne 27's strength, but a mite overdoing it, I think :D
And people's insides falling out when their backs are whipped? Are they whipped with chainsaws? Are their kidneys falling out? Anyway, that all made me remember that Gibson film, which one begun watching as a Christian and finished viewing as a vegetarean hehe.
So, 27 is in prison, working with a pick ax, gives a lot of attitude to the prison authorities, and gets executed by relentless whipping. A damn good little story for a beginning. Please do continue
P.S. I'm pretty sure te spine would start showing, before the innards splat out through the torn back haha
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
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Mon Dec 28, 2009 8:28 pm
asxz says...



I agree completely with everyone else who reveiwed. Amazing piece, really. You should be proug, but I would like to know some stuff suck as: How old is she (You said she was young) what they're mining, why this nasty prison guard dude hates her so much (Did something terrible happen to him when he was young, which made him angry for the rest of his life?)???

And, I do respect that this is a prologue and you want to keep it short, us entertained and get the quesions rolling. You did this. Brilliant! So I don't think that you should add in the part with her working, because I'm sure that her personality will show through in later chapters. Fantasmigorical!

Anyways, Absolutely fantastic piece. I see you've got chapter one up, so I'll go and read that now. Can you PM me when you post anything else? Thanks a bunch! Looking forward to reading more. Sounds like a tough character.
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Mon Dec 28, 2009 8:46 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey =]

This isn't a genre that I usually read, but having been off of YWS for so long, I fancied a change of scenery/genre for once. And I'm glad I dipped into this folder. The title struck me straight away, probably because it's the same as a Fall out boy song, but nethertheless, I wasn't disappointed when I started reading.

You had me gripped from start to finish and like JabberHut, I felt my whole body tense at the end. You should be proud of yourself; you may make a sci-fi reader out of me, yet.

Thanks for the great read =] It seems I'm becoming a fan of your writing - having read another of your stories on YWS already.

xDudettex
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Tue Jan 05, 2010 10:53 pm
Day says...



Holly Cows,

Sadly there aren't any in this story, but my eyes did not move from the page at all. Usually I skip sentences or speed read on most of the stories, but this one held my attention without a stop. I'm will go and review the next chapter, but I just wanted to express my love for this prologue it is one of the most text appealing things I have read in a long time. You have a great story on your hands here and I'm completely unaware of where it is going, but I know that I am hooked.

Expressing my interest and desire for more,

~DayDreams
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Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:38 pm
Jenthura says...



Wow, guys, thanks for the reviews. I never had so many (or a star, Asxz) I've put the next chapter up, but it's somewhat...blocky. Anyway, your points were all very good, I'll get to correcting right away!
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 7:35 am
Jenthura says...



Alright, so I've edited the prologue.
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 7:59 am
Hippie says...



I must say, it's not often I see such a good piece here. Your prose is excellent. Not once did I skim or drift off or even feel slightly bored. That alone is amazing since I've done 10 reviews already today and am feeling jaded. Thanks.

The only thing I'd consider is a more solid point of view. At the moment it's mostly from 27's point of view, but at some points the "camera" seems to move, e.g.
Her back was a pulpy mess of red and pinkish-grey, and the horrible whitish humps of her spine showed through, a sight that sickened most of the guards to the point that even the hardened ones looked away.

She can't see her own back so clearly this is from the guards' perspective. In 3rd person this is technically okay, but it distances the reader from the character. Focus instead on the feeling, which she can feel, rather than the sights she can't see. At the end when she's unconscious or dead, then it's reasonable to switch. Just try and avoid taking the liberty to switch often just because a different character has a better view of what's going on.

I didn't find her ability to withstand more than the usual amount of whipping to be a problem. It's not necessary to make a character weaker than others to prevent mary-suism. She obviously can't hold her tongue which got her into the problem in the first place, so that's a flaw.

Let me say again, awesome piece. After all this reviewing it was refreshing to read something of this calibre.
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Sun Jan 31, 2010 11:50 pm
EmeraldcityWriter says...



This is a good storyline, it really caught my interest. I really like how you've created the character of 27 but I think she is a little extreme. I'm guessing she needs to be tough given her situation but you've made her maybe too tough. It's understandable that she might be able to withstand more pain but being able to take five times more lashes then every other prisoner is a little unreal. (of course I don't know her background like you probably do but that's just my opinion) Besides that it was good, you seem to know how to set a good scene and how to work in unexplained topics into your plot.
  





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Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:44 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hey hi! I've been meaning to review this as the newer chapters have come out, so this is me starting from the beginning.

It seems like everyone else covered this very nicely, but I just wanted to re-emphasize what Jabs said about starting with 27 doing something other than being killed. As is, we have very little sense of her character beyond that she apparently has a death wish. There isn't much to build a groundwork relationship with the character beyond her response to her pain. We want to care about a character, but if we don't have much information on them, that's hard to do.

So slow down just a smidge and describe her surroundings as she first works. You don't have to tell us everything - if there are things that need to be kept secret or mysterious, by all means do so - but if you can, tell us why she is here, or why she wants to get out. Emphasize how much she is looking forward to this, how she prepared for it. Get us into her head a little bit before the pain starts so that we care about the pain all the more.

One other small nitpick, and it may just be a difference in your particular style from mine, but the parentheses were kind of distracting. Parentheses seem to be very rarely used in fiction and so they seem a little out of place there. Plus, unless they are used regularly and frequently, they are all the more jarring when they do appear. My solution would either be to use the parentheses far more frequently (if you do wish to use them) so that they are established in the story as a device, or to try and rework the information contained in them somewhere else into the story.

All in all though, I liked this and I eagerly look forward to reading the rest. Onward!

~GryphonFledgling
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Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:29 am
Jas says...



Heya,

Wow. This is oustanding! I keep seeing all the chapters and thinking, Oh I should read that, but the sci-fi thing scared me away. I normally don't like science fiction is all, but this was WOW *eyes all bugged out*. You make it seem like 27 is tough as nails, 13-16 year old girl which is really cool. I actually like the fact that its on a different planet. Well this was REALLY good so yeah..I have nothing to actually say! Huzzah! I am off to chapter 1!

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Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:14 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hey Jenth! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's your thanks-for-entering review!

I really enjoyed this chapter! (Well, prologue haha). Prologue's are a little bit different from first chapters as they develop differently, but in the end most (at least the ones I find posted on YWS) prologue's function perfectly well as first chapters. Mostly, I'm against the prologue as it's hard to write one extremely well and most people don't put up the effort. Yours, on the other hand, is a pretty well done one. It gives just enough information that the reader will need, and that I'm assuming won't be given right up in following chapters. What I'm assuming from this is that the actual story will start significantly in the future from this event, which makes good use of a prologue.

The only other thing is that there could be some clarification about the miners. At first I assumed they were workers, paid employees. But then they were some sort of prisoners? A little more on that would be nice, just to keep the reader straight. It would also be interesting to know why 27 is a prisoner in the first place (unless that's set to be revealed later on).

Well that's all I have to say! No nitpicks or anything, the grammar side of stuff was pretty good. Great job with this, and definitely keep writing!

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-
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akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
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