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Young Writers Society


The Ouraul Pt. 1



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Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:25 am
Conrad Rice says...



The Antigone hung in the atmosphere of the gas giant. Its long boxy form loomed between the purple clouds of nitrogen gas, providing an imposing sight to the crew of the service shuttle C-30X. They had been called in about half an hour ago by the captain of the Antigone. Their engines had been faltering, and the captain had wanted to ensure that they were not about to fail. But, subsequent check-ins had not elicited any sort of response from the pleasure liner. The diagnosis was that they had also suffered a communications failure to go along with the probable engine troubles. Thankfully, their tracking system was still working, which meant that the service shuttle found them with no trouble.

“Pleasure Liner Antigone, Service Shuttle C-30X on approach vector,” Captain Morgenstern said over the communications line as he brought the shuttle in closer to the larger vessel. “Request that you report to us your current status, over.”

There was silence on the com line. Morgenstern paused, then repeated the message. Still, there was no response from the pleasure liner.

The captain turned to his two crew-mates, Ni-En-Fal and Henry Brimley. “Well, boys, looks like this communications problem is a bit bigger than we thought,” he said. “We’ll focus on getting that up and running first, I think.”

Brimley only offered his eternally silent nod. He never said much on these jobs, only what was required of him. Morgenstern did not particularly care for it, but he chose not to address it. After all, the man’s work overshadowed the captain’s dislike of the “strong, silent” type.

Ni’s bioluminescent eyes lit up. Electronics work, which was what this was probably going to turn out to be, was the Nurian’s speciality. Morgenstern liked working with the alien the most. His skill at his job was rivaled only by his curiosity. And while men like Brimley were put off by his questions, Morgenstern was only too happy to answer them.

“Pleasure Liner Antigone, be advised, Service Shuttle C-30X is on a direct approach with you now,” Captain Morgenstern said, turning back to the communications line for a moment. “We will be docking in two minutes. C-30X out.”

The shuttle continued on its course towards the Antigone. Brimley and Ni prepared themselves for the work they would have to do once they were aboard the pleasure liner. They checked their personal sensors, made sure all their tools were in order, and mentally went over what they might have to do to fix the ship’s problems. Morgenstern smiled slightly. They were both dependable; focused on their jobs in spite of their idiosyncrasies. Morgenstern appreciated that.

The captain guided the shuttle towards one of the aft docking bays. The automated systems of the Antigone opened the doors when they recognized the service shuttle’s access codes. When the shuttle was within the docking bay, the occupants were greeted with an unusual sight. The regular lights were all out. The emergency lights had been flipped on. In their harsh red light it could be seen that equipment was strewn about in a haphazard manner, almost as if some angry child had thrown it all aside in a fit of rage.

“What has happened here, Morgenstern-sir?” Ni asked as the captain brought the shuttle down on a clear landing pad.

“Not sure,” Morgenstern replied as he began to power the shuttle down. “But, I’m going to depart from standard protocols and have you both stick with me until we meet with the captain. This doesn’t feel too safe to me.”

Ni and Brimley both nodded. Morgenstern flipped one last switch and the shuttle’s back door opened up. The three gathered their equipment together and walked out of the craft. They began to pick their way through the mess towards the main doors.

Ni almost slipped at one point. Brimley reached out and caught the Nurian. “Watch yourself,” he said quietly.

“Apologies, Brimley-sir,” the Nurian said to him. “There is an oil spill there, and it caught me by surprise.”

Brimley only gave a small nod. The group continued on, finding a path through the mess of cables and scaffolding. At last, they reached the doors that would allow them access to the rest of the ship. Morgenstern used his crew captain’s card to get the doors to open, and the three of them stepped into the access corridor. It still had its regular lights running, and the eyes of the three were able to adjust in the soft yellow glow.

They walked down the hall for a few paces before Brimley stopped and looked after Ni. “You said you slipped in an oil spill?”

The Nurian turned and looked at him. “Yes, Brimley-sir.”

Brimley pointed at where Ni had been walking. “That ain’t oil.”

Morgenstern looked at where Brimley was pointing. The Nurian’s footprints, instead of leaving oil stains like one would expect, were leaving deep crimson stains. It sent a chill down his spine.

“What... what is that?” the Nurian asked, his voice faltering a little.

Morgenstern put a hand on Ni’s shoudler. “It’s a man’s blood,” he said slowly. “Someone died in that loading bay. And we walked all over him in the dark.”
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Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:44 am
lcubed says...



Use more descriptive words. Well written though.
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Sun Jan 03, 2010 11:21 am
Durriedog says...



Conrad Rice wrote:The Antigone hung in the atmosphere of the gas giant. < (not a good start, try something longer with less complicated words, maybe. ) Its long boxy < (boxy. A real word, but it doesn't sound like one.) form loomed between the purple clouds of nitrogen gas, providing an imposing sight to the crew of the service shuttle C-30X. < (nice!) They had been called in about half an hour ago by the captain of the Antigone. < (in? We readeres don't understand, straight up. Try something that gives us more information.) Their engines had been faltering, and the captain had wanted to ensure that they were not about to fail. But, < (comma unneeded.) subsequent check-ins had not elicited any sort of response from the pleasure liner. The diagnosis was that they had also suffered a communications failure to go along with the probable engine troubles. Thankfully, their tracking system was still working, which meant that the service shuttle found them with no trouble. < (found who? Did I miss something? Maybe you just lost me for a moment. Confusing...)

“Pleasure Liner Antigone, Service Shuttle C-30X on approach vector,” Captain Morgenstern said over the communications < (repetition of communications.) line as he brought the shuttle in closer to the larger vessel. “Request that you report to us your current status, over.”

There was silence on the com line. Morgenstern paused, then repeated the message. Still, there was no response from the pleasure liner. < (woah. 'Twould be scary. *reminds me of Alien*)

The captain turned to his two crew-mates, Ni-En-Fal and Henry Brimley. “Well, boys, looks like this communications problem is a bit bigger than we thought,” he said. “We’ll focus on getting that up and running first, I think.” < (nice)
Brimley only offered his eternally silent nod. He never said much on these jobs, only what was required of him. Morgenstern did not particularly care for it, but he chose not to address it. After all, the man’s work overshadowed the captain’s dislike of the “strong, silent” type.

Ni’s bioluminescent eyes lit up. Electronics work, which was what this was probably going to turn out to be, was the Nurian’s speciality. < (oh. Still talking about this? You might want to cut out what I've marked in green, it travels too far from the story...) Morgenstern liked working with the alien the most. His skill at his job was rivaled only by his curiosity. And while men like Brimley were put off by his questions, Morgenstern was only too happy to answer them.



That's all I have time to review at the moment, but I will review the rest and PM you.
Overall, you seem to have the same problem most of us do; info dump. You're telling us stuff we don't need to know, or things that could be spread out over the story. When you do this, the reader looses sight of the story because they've been preocupied with unneeded info. You might want to work on that.
Also, you seem as if you're trying to sound smarter by using unusual or complicated words. Please stop. It, too, distracts us. Maybe it's not on purpose and in that case accept this and see when you are doing it so you can simple up your writing. And so I disagree with you, Cubed.

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Tue Jan 05, 2010 1:36 am
Writersdomain says...



Hey Conrad! I am here, as promised! :D I'm glad I got to read this. Pretty nifty piece and I am left wanting to read more. Of course, I was getting serious Star Trek and Babylon 5 vibes from this, but I'll spare you the weird, scifi comparisons. :wink: This was a very straightforward piece, but, as I've said in the past, your writing style meshes with your subject matter very well, so I'm not going to complain. I'm just going to address a few things, okay?

The Antigone hung in the atmosphere of the gas giant. Its long boxy form loomed between the purple clouds of nitrogen gas, providing an imposing sight to the crew of the service shuttle C-30X. They had been called in about half an hour ago by the captain of the Antigone. Their engines had been faltering, and the captain had wanted to ensure that they were not about to fail. But, subsequent check-ins had not elicited any sort of response from the pleasure liner. The diagnosis was that they had also suffered a communications failure to go along with the probable engine troubles. Thankfully, their tracking system was still working, which meant that the service shuttle found them with no trouble.


The words in bold are word choice questions. Meh, this beginning set a nice image, but it didn't really hook me. Part of this, I think, is because you are trying to introduce image and setting with characters at the same time and it's not really working. You establish that Antigone is in this gaseous area--gorgeous image. That would be a great beginning. But then I think you establish the setting where the characters are too early and you end up using passive voice to introduce them. I think setting the image of Antigone and then introducing the characters actively as they gaze upon Antigone would make for a stronger beginning.

Brimley only offered his eternally silent nod. He never said much on these jobs, only what was required of him. Morgenstern did not particularly care for it, but he chose not to address it. After all, the man’s work overshadowed the captain’s dislike of the “strong, silent” type.


Maybe just me, but I would like a better image of Morgenstern's reaction here. Is there any indication in his body language or facial expression that could reinforce this bit of telling us?

The emergency lights had been flipped on. In their harsh red light it could be seen that equipment was strewn about in a haphazard manner, almost as if some angry child had thrown it all aside in a fit of rage.


The second sentene is a very vivid scene, but it would be more vivid if you describe in the active voice. It loses its chaotic personality in passive voice.

As I read this, I find myself wanting more feeling and body language from your characters, but I know that your writing style excels at being clipped and fast, so I don't want to tell you that you need more description. I would just advise you to pay attention to what details you do choose to include. I think a little more body language and character to appeal to the reader would not go awry, but I think that comes down to selection of detail and not to description. Maybe that is just me and my different style, but it something to think about. :wink:

Very nice job! Can't wait to read the next part! Keep on writing and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
~ WD
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