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Chapter 9 of Tainted Life by Callum Marshall.



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Sat Jan 30, 2010 12:15 pm
Calmal says...



In this Chapter, the 5 priests and the Decton leave their planet and go to meet the D'scites at the Core.
Chapter 9: High Priest S’Lman.
A Warning.


C’Dloc strolled along the landing pad with the other priests towards the capital ship. It had no weapons and was used to ferry mere pilgrims to the core but C’Dloc insisted on using nothing more. The ramp fell and the six passengers hurried aboard. The ramp closed quickly and the engines smoothly lifted the ship off the ground as several large attack vessels surrounded the vessel and together they left the planet swiftly. When they had passed through the atmosphere the group charged towards the edge of the system and within a minute had gone into hyperspace.
The passengers were situated in the executive lounge, each lying on a beautifully elaborate couch that was made of a material that moulded into any shape requested including beds, chairs and even a self massaging sofa. Each of the six was drinking heavily from their cups, as was customary on a trip to the core. After a minute the empty cups were placed on an elegant crystal table that disposed of the waste through its teleportation system down to the kitchen. The Decton activated the communications panel next to his chair.
“Captain, estimated time till we reach the Core.”
“Your Holiness, we will be there by tomorrow evening standard time at the latest. I will notify you on our progress in a few hours.”
We should use this time to meditate thought K’Rbop.
It was agreed unanimously. The five priests situated themselves in a circle, with the Decton sitting in the centre. As they closed their eyes, the group began to hover and circle the Decton despite the gravitational simulators working perfectly fine. A human’s concept of meditation is to completely empty the mind and concentrate on nothing. Fargons believed the complete opposite. They stuffed their heads with so many thoughts and feelings; they were somehow able to pick up the D’scites presence within them and infused themselves with the spirit. They do not take any shape, but surround the mediator in a golden haze so as to speak to the occupant as a whole.
The H’yrelli. They are moving against us.
Surely you can hold them? Questioned S’Lman.
These H’yrelli are beyond our reach. They are not within the core but are scattered throughout the galaxy.
How many?
Too many. It takes only one H’yrelli to take control of a victim. We have sent out small groups of D’scites to patrol planets under the control of the Galactic Alliance so as to prevent any attacking the peace.
Have you detected any?
No. They are silently moving and are not in contact with the H’yrelli we have in the Core. However, a small group detected a weak signature on the Mellis home world but it was lost before we could catch them.
Why would the H’yrelli be watching the Mellis?
We are uncertain but we fear they may attack the Queen. Henceforth we are sending a large squadron of units to protect the planet. How long until you arrive at the Core?
Tomorrow evening at the latest.
Good, we will discuss further details when you arrive.
The haze dissipated and left S’Lman with a pleasant feeling as if the D’scites were trying to comfort him. He opened his eyes and found the rest of the group at various corners of the cabin, still floating as they fell into a dreamless sleep. S’Lman could never really sleep after talking to the D’scites and so looked out the floor-to-ceiling glass window and watched the universe rotate slowly as if all was well.
Calmal
  





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Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:54 am
Eliza:) says...



In this Chapter, the 5 priests and the Decton leave their planet and go to meet the D'scites at the Core.

Don't tell the reader what the chapter is about. Let them figure it out by themselves.

each lying on a beautifully elaborate couch that was made of a material that moulded into any shape

Moulded should be spelled, molded.

requested including beds, chairs and even a self massaging sofa.

There should be a comma after chairs.

We should use this time to meditate thought K’Rbop.

A comma should be put after meditate.

The five priests situated themselves in a circle, with the Decton sitting in the centre.

Centre is spelled, center.

As they closed their eyes, the group began to hover and circle the Decton despite the gravitational simulators working perfectly fine.

There should be a comma after Decton.

hey stuffed their heads with so many thoughts and feelings; they were somehow able to pick up the D’scites presence within them and infused themselves with the spirit.

The semicolon should be a comma.

watched the universe rotate slowly as if all was well.

This is a great ending. It leaves the reader wanting to read more.

Throughout the chapter, you are telling the reader what is happening instead of showing. Your writing could be improved by showing a little more.

Other than that, the chapter is great.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway
  





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9 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2049
Reviews: 9
Thu Feb 04, 2010 5:28 pm
Calmal says...



Thanks for the comment
Calmal
  








What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare