Young Writers Society

My eyes burst open, the light searing them. Sarah is next to me on the opaque hospital seats. There is a couple more people with her.
One is tan with light brown hair. The other is dark skinned with jet black hair. I recognise them, my gorgeous friends. Amber and Salina.
"Amber! Salina!" I yell startling them.
"Hey, Kayte, how you been?" Amber says softly.
"Yeah, sorry about what happened, by the way," Salina adds. I jump up and grab them both in a tight hug. I can feel the aura of their smiles.
Sarah jumps up.
"Kayte," she says, "the doctor wants to see you," she presses, her english accent a breath of fresh air compared to all these New Zealand ones.
"'Kay," I reply. My heart pounds deeply as I make my way through the white hall toward the doctor.
"Kayte?" he asks.
"Yeah, that's me,"
"Your mother is in a serious condition, we just want to warn you, she looks quite... how do I put it? Bad isn't the best term but..." he mumbles.
"'Cause that makes so much sense," I joke. He smiles lightly, dimples rising in his cheeks. His hand rises, an invitation to go into the room. I step past.

The room smells like disinfectant. On a slight blue bed, my mother lies, asleep and almost peaceful. One thing is not right. On her neck there is a patch of black skin. Like Saylise. Like Them. My hope, my courage, my everything, disappears.
Kayte, there is still hope. Just think of all the outcomes. The people who you will affect. Don't do it, my conscience pleads.
"Shut up!" I yell out loud. I feel everyone's gaze on me, their eyes like knives.
"Kayte, do you want to go into another room?" the pushy doctor asks.
"No! I want my family back! I want everything to be back to normal!" I explode.
"Is everything okay in here?" Sarah says gently. I look at her, she looks genuinely scared for me. Amber and Salina are just behind her, looking at me sympathetically.
"Y-Yeah, I'm fine," I say before leaving the over lit room. Sarah takes my hand. I shiver, my lips are blue.

An alien stands in front of Kayte, it's 'hand' raised. It makes clicking and squeaking noises, almost like communication. The alien stares at Kayte's face. her eyes are elsewhere. her gaze is set on the unconcious bodies of her family and friends. Mum, Dad, Saylise, Layden, Amber, Salina, and Sarah. Just lying there. Kayte thinks they're dead. It sure as hell seems so. It smells like paint and dust and a strange perfume. It was the aliens' secret weapon. Even if they didn't touch someone, their gas would soon affect the human. Like Saylise and Lucinda, Kayte's mum.

'ello, Biffle! Tassen Spellbinder here to review your piece!

"My eyes burst open, the light searing them. Sarah is next to me on the opaque hospital seats. There is a couple more people with her."
-- First off all, I think this is slightly illogical. If you open your eyes to searing light, one would expect that you'd be blinded. You might want to have your character blink a few times or shut them again for realism. In the second sentence, I would add 'sitting' after is. Lastly, you have a slight grammar oopsie. It should be "There *are* a couple more people..."

"I recognise them, my gorgeous friends. Amber and Salina."
-- I think this is slightly awkward. Perhaps "I recognize them as my gorgeous friends Amber and Salina."

""Amber! Salina!" I yell startling them."
-- You need a comma after 'yell'.

'"Hey, Kayte, how you been?" Amber says softly.'
-- Not sure if Amber missed a word on purpose or not. If not, there should be a 'have' after how.

"I jump up and grab them both in a tight hug. I can feel the aura of their smiles."
-- Try not and start sentences with the same word unless you're going for emphasis.

"Sarah jumps up."
-- Where does she come from?

'"Kayte," she says, "the doctor wants to see you," she presses, her english accent a breath of fresh air compared to all these New Zealand ones.'
-- A few things here. First, one of the 'she ____' has to go. It just sounds really awkward. Second, it should be 'her English accent'.

"My heart pounds deeply as I make my way through the white hall toward the doctor."
-- I've never heard 'deeply' used in that sense. Interesting. Also, I would make it hallway or corridor. Hall, while correct, made me stop and think for a moment. Maybe that's just me, though.

"her eyes are elsewhere. her gaze is set on the unconcious bodies of her family and friends."
-- Both of these sentences need to start with 'her' being capitalized. Also, you could probably combine them into one.

An interesting story- I look forward to reading more. PM me if you have questions.

Hiya Biffle.

Sorry I'm late. I have loads of work.

Tassen's done most of it. Here' what I'd like to add.

"Amber! Salina!" I yell startling them.

Well, the yell seems weird if she wakes up and yells. Show a little disorientation especially when light blinds her eye.

"Your mother is in a serious condition, we just want to warn you, she looks quite... how do I put it? Bad isn't the best term but..." he mumbles.

The doc should't be mumbling this. As a doc, he should speak with a little more confidence and should ready the person for the patient.

On a slight blue bed,

'Slight blue' doesn't form a proper image in my head. Try some other description.

"Kayte, do you want to go into another room?" the pushy doctor asks.

Again, describe the doc differently. Not pushy.

Overall: Once again, I really like where it's heading. You could do with more descriptions, though. Work on them.

Keep writing.
~Lava