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Young Writers Society


Prologue, In The Beginning



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Sun Apr 11, 2010 4:34 am
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Mochi says...



Lexi

I wanted to help. People were dying everywhere, it didn’t seem fair for me to be able to sit on my couch, watch T.V. and not think about what was going on the other side of the world. People say I shouldn’t care. My job tells me I shouldn’t care. But I couldn’t stay heartless. No matter how much I tried. And, in the end, I did get to help.

But it definitely wasn’t the way I had expected.

Three years prior, outside the Forbidden City, Beijing China

Lexi Lawrence looked over the square. There were shells from bombs and bullets scattered across the ground. There were helmets and machine guns left to rot in the now dug up soil. It was the remnants of a battlefield -- and one the democratic nations were bent on stopping. Civil war broke out between the ever-growing democratic side of China and the original communist government. Lexi was supposed to help end the war.

There were tanks. A few dozen of them sat along the roads, awaiting commands. The silence had Lexi finding she had to remind herself it was still a battlefield. She tried to ignore the bodies that were littered below the tanks.

Lexi was standing in an alley, staring straight ahead. There is so much left to be done, she thought, shaking her head. People looked out, nervous. It was obvious that the war was going to end -- the square was crowded with soldiers and tanks. The communists weren’t going to win the war, she told herself. Not now. Not ever. At least, she hoped so.

She closed her eyes, gun in her hand, and took a deep breath. She’d been part of CSIS for a while now, and this was going to be her first time she was hired to kill. Ten years ago, she would never have thought she would be able to do it. To be able put a gun to someone’s head and pull the trigger. But she wanted to help, and that was what she got.

She stepped around the tanks, well aware of her surroundings. There were several foot soldiers, looking at her -- curious as to why she was there. She ignored them. Her mission was confidential, people weren’t supposed to know anyways. She had been given a map of the Forbidden City days before on her mission briefing. Since then she’d memorised all of the entries and exists. There was a private meeting to be held in the central room, the Chinese government’s last resort after all the other government buildings were destroyed. This was her target.

Lexi snuck into the back of the complex. The building was a maze. And that was exactly the reason why the emperor had resided there over a hundred years ago. Any intruders would get lost before reaching the center chamber. The Forbidden City was protection all on its own. But Lexi knew her way around. She made her way through the dark corridors and past several guards. They took no notice to her. Lexi found the room she was looking for and quietly walked in.

The room was dark -- there were only a few lights on, all on backup power. There were several maps hanging along the walls, each showing a small part of China. In the middle of the room, eleven men sat around a table with a larger, more complex map of Beijing and the surrounding cities. Lexi knew each of the men – they were the remainder of China’s communist government. They had all heard Lexi come in, but only the president looked up. It was the moment they all knew was coming, and none of them gave a fight.
The guards were on high alert. It was war and the president had brought in some of the remaining soldiers to guard them while in their meeting. They were taking every precaution. One man was finishing his shift, walking towards the entrance to get ready for his next shift outside. The next man would be coming on time, as usual. Taking his coat and gun, the guard headed for the front door.

He had just reached the back door when he heard a scream. It had been one of the guards. He turned around at once, pulled the emergency alarm and headed towards the center room. He knew what had happened. It was an inside joke within the guards, they often contemplated how the war would end. And the assassination of their leaders was a common topic.

Running past other guards and officers, he found the door unlocked and ajar. Weary, still thinking the assassin could still be in the room, he put his hand up, telling the others to halt. Then, pulling out his gun from the holster, he opened the door to see what had happened.

Eleven men lay sprawled along the table. Each of them had a shot to the head. There was blood all over the table and the map was covered in it. The guard heard a few men turn and run, gagging. Cowards, he thought, shaking his head. He held his gun up and surveyed the room, looking for the assassin. He found no one. Finding it unusual, he holstered his gun and ordered the remaining men to search the building. The assassin couldn’t be far behind. He couldn’t let the democrats win.

Two hours later, after a thorough search of the building, the men returned. There was no sign of an assassin. The guard had been given orders for something like this. He wrote a letter to both the presidents of Cuba and North Korea, and then sent them out to be delivered by hand.

Then he raised his gun and pulled the trigger.

That first bit is meant to be a monologue. I'm still unsure about the title.
Vous trouvez l'océan trop clair, trop noir, trop bleu ;
Vous détestez le ciel parce qu'il montre Dieu ;
-Victor Hugo «À ceux qui sont petits»
  





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Sun Apr 11, 2010 9:49 pm
Eliza:) says...



People were dying everywhere, it didn’t seem fair for me

The sentence should be split between everywhere and it.

People say I shouldn’t care.

You switched tense here. Either make it all present or past tense.

But I couldn’t stay heartless. No matter how much I tried.

The period should be a comma.

The silence had Lexi finding she had to remind herself it was still a battlefield.

Reword this sentence.

She’d been part of CSIS for a while now, and this was going to be her first time she was hired to kill.

And should be but.

Since then she’d memorised all of the entries and exists.

Memorised is spelled memorized.

It was an inside joke within the guards, they often contemplated how the war would end.

The comma should be a period.

This is a great beginning. The plot is interesting, and there is nothing wrong besides a few spelling and punctuation errors.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway
  





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Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:29 pm
midnightread says...



Hi Mochi
I like this a lot.
I can't see anything wrong with it, but I would advise a re-read as it is a good habit to get into and it means that you can pick up on your mistakes before someone else tells you about them.
I think I am now going to go read the next part.
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
  








You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World