Young Writers Society

Prologue: burned bridges

They traveled across what was once the Mesquite desert, and now had replaced the California coastline. The land was arid and rocky, nothing grew and the wildlife kept dying. Food was so scarce that the women made salad out of weeds and made soup with stones. Their paths sometimes intermingled with those of bandits and thieves, and more than once their men were beaten down and their children taken to be feasted upon. They were traveling northeast, looking for the one remaining city in the world that had not been hit. They had been told of an abundance of food and jobs that awaited them, that they would be taken in with open arms and treated as heroes.
She held her children closely and allowed Sam to lead them closer to the mountains and away from the ocean. They had met only days before, but Sam had promised them a safe passage to the city. As she carried one small child over her shoulder and held the hand of another, she recalled the home she had left. It had seemed a century ago since she had been in the nunnery, dusting the holy scriptures. A strange man, a self proclaimed prophet, came into the village. Passing her by, he reached for the Old Testament, holding it lovingly in his arms.

She asked him
Are you a religious man?

With a slight smile and the wave of a hand, the man lit a match and the words burned before her. He spoke, and told her that one day there would be no words of God, only words of men. Then he threw the book into the fire, and let it be consumed by it. Before she could say the word blasphemy, he was gone, and the nunnery had begun to burn as well. She remembered screaming out to the other nuns, all of whom came running.

Save the books! Save the books! They screamed.

She loaded as many books as she could into her arms: the Torah, the New testament, the Kabala, the chronicles of Mary Magdalena. The pews burned quickly, then the fire crept up and along the walls, over the roof. Smoke made it difficult to see and breathe, and she crawled out of the wreck on hands and knees, before the entire building collapsed behind her. A piece of burned wood tripped her and she landed on her stomach. Terrified, she felt for her baby before the fumes and the pain took her away and she became unconscious.

She had been afraid for her child. It was her third and it would be her last. A girl, the doctors had said. She had been prepared to name the child after the nunnery, St. Anne’s; but it was bad luck to name a child after a burned church. Instead, she named the child Rain, for rain was always a miracle.

Hey, Fade here!

First, I thought it was really good, and I will be interested in reading more.

But, you need quotation marks.

She asked him
Are you a religious man?

Try this:

She asked him, "Are you a religious man?"

Save the books! Save the books! They screamed.

Try this:

"Save the books! Save the books!" They screamed.

It just makes everything make a bit more sense. I had to re-read those lines a few times.

Besides that, it was really good.

Keep Writing,
Fade

Thanks for reading. Actually, I'm trying a new dialogue style. If you've every read any of James Frey books, there is a way to write dialogue like this

he spoke
what do you want
she said
nothing

I'm trying that out. If its too confusing I'll add quotations. thanks!

Brilliant! The writing is very good, and I feel as though you use a very literary style. I actually liked the lack of quotation marks; I thought perhaps you used them because she is thinking about a memory, and as they walk along the beach, it is very quiet; the lack of quotation marks stresses this quiet. Perhaps I'm more used to it sense I read a whole book like this once, but I feel it works well. Wonderfully written, and a very intriguing start to the story.

Hey!

Great writing, this seems like an interesting story and I hope to read more. I also liked the way you did the dialouge, I could tell you did that on purpose. But one thing that was slightly confusing.

Alessa isn't a nun, correct? She is just working in the nunnery? Because nuns don't get married or have kids, am I right? Just a little confusing there, but other than that, this was amazing.

Your writing style was great, your plot, etc. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to read more!

Hey Cherry!

I would describe the "they" that you introduce in the very first sentence, just because I can't really imagine the cross through the desert. Also, I can't really imagine the Mesquite Desert that supposedly is in California after this melt down. I don't know... I've lived in California all my life, so I was hoping for some really lush descriptions but the only real description was that they made salad from weeds (which is already happening over here, really) and having stone soup... which isn't very nourishing, if you're talking about actual rocks.

Instead, I would fill in it with actual descriptions of California, in all its geologic wonder... maybe the reason why it's like this was because a major Earthquake hit the state and cut off all the water supply from NorCal to SoCal... mwhahaha...

Or maybe a volcano blast! We have those here! Though, in that case, they would probably be heading to the water, maybe.

I don't know. But right now, I don't like the set up. You can't really imagine it.

As far as the actual conflict, it's too quick. We don't really get a chance to know any of the characters, except for the man with the match. He is fascinating. Everyone else seems a bit cardboard. So definitely develop that a bit more.

Yo, I almost never review plot, characters, and grammar, only style and sentence structure. Here goes:

They had been told of an abundance of food and jobs that awaited them - hihi, with the 'jobs' it sounds like a post financial crisis apocalypse. Maybe 'an abundance of food and land?' You seem to be going for the fable style wording anyway, I think 'land' goes with the atmosphere better, while 'jobs' works against it.


It had seemed a century ago since she had been in the nunnery, dusting the holy scriptures. A strange man, a self proclaimed prophet, came into the village. Passing her by, he reached for the Old Testament, holding it lovingly in his arms. - abrupt tenses jump here from one sentence to the next. In order to not rewrite all her memories with 'had' and 'has' and stuff, perhaps you can patch up with a sentence about her inner gaze replaying the scene or something, right after 'scriptures',and then smoothly change tenses.

and this bit here: Alessa held her children closely and allowed Sam to lead them closer to the mountains and away from the ocean. They had met only days before, but Sam had promised them a safe passage to the city. As she carried one small child over her shoulder and held the hand of another, she recalled the home she had left. - is where you can pacify everyone crying out for more details and descriptions /me included/. Each of these three sentences contains another two sentences of descriptions. Unlock them, let them expand. And when we will see the weeds and bushes, or sand dunes, or mountains looming through the shimmering air, we will submerge much more completely as readers.

Good beginning! I love post-apocalypse fiction

It sounds like a good plot in the novel description, but i read the prologue and was left feeling confused. I would firstly describe who "they" are, like you did at the beggining of the second paragraph, then transition into the first.
I like it overall though!

thecherryblossomgirl wrote:their men were beaten down and their children taken to be feasted upon

ever read a modest proposal by Johnathan Swift? Just saying...

Zibbie