Young Writers Society

TheEvilWithin wrote:“Darren . . . ,” my mother croaked, kicking a blanket onto the floor as she struggled to lift her head. Her face was glistening with sweat as she scanned the room with wild eyes until they rested on me. “It’s unsafe here . . . you must leave.”

“No, Mom,” I said softly, rising from a wooden chair and hurrying over to her. I gently pushed her back into her pillows and covered her with the blanket again. “I must look after you and father!”

My father was lying in bed beside her, unmoving except for his eyes, which lazily rolled about in their sockets, unable to focus on anything for longer than a few seconds. For the last few hours he had not said a word, but would occasionally groan in pain, which would trigger a wave of relief throughout my entire body; his groans informed me that he was still alive. I couldn’t bring myself to check for his pulse whenever he became too quiet and still. [i like this line. nice]

My mother gave up trying to move and shut her eyes tight. Even though it looked like she was in an intense amount of pain, she managed to continue pleading in a weak, trembling voice, “No, Darren . . . there is nothing more you can do for us . . . you must leave the Apex.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as the impact of my mother’s words hit me. I knew she was right; it was too late to save them.

We lived inside an enormous black building called the Apex—a building so tall it could penetrate the clouds. The Apex was the home and workplace for hundreds of thousands of people, most of which were scientists and researchers who had a very demanding job. Their task was to examine Lokas, our planet. Lokas was discovered a little over a decade ago by a space station from Earth. Although it was an empty, desolate planet, it was also an idyllic environment for humans to live. The Apex and a small village at its base were built for the scientists to carry out their work. The scientists dedicated their lives to learning everything they could about the new planet. That was how my parents came to be here. They were expert geologists at the top of their game, recruited for the special task of studying Lokas.

But the scientists were now facing a challenge far greater than anything they could have ever imagined. A deadly, contagious virus had spread throughout the village and the Apex, claiming the lives of everyone in its path.

It started about two weeks ago, but only with a few cases. A handful of scientists began to find it hard to breathe, and then their muscles slowly stiffened until they couldn’t move or speak. Soon after that, they died a short but excruciating death. The whole process took about three days, and left the inhabitants of Lokas shaken and scared.

The authorities launched an investigation. They suspected that an experiment had got out of control and that it was all just a freak accident. They were totally wrong. Soon after the first round of scientists died, others became infected by the same disease. The virus was highly contagious, and because we all lived in close proximity to each other, it was able to spread from one person to the next with incredible ease.
[OK, so firstly Lokus: sounds like locusts to me. maybe you can think of a better name? secondly, all this is WAY too much information, i know you're trying to give your story a background but you need to do it in a way that doesn't overwhelm your readers. try to brea down all this information in bits so it will be easier for the readers to digest]

Two weeks after the first incident, more than three quarters of the inhabitants of Lokas were already dead. Not a single doctor could explain what kind of disease had killed them, but even worse, they were unable to find a cure. Every ongoing experiment had been put on hold. Nobody bothered to study Lokas anymore, because everyone’s attention had turned onto a more important task.

Survival. [i like this line. very dramatic]

“Darren . . .” my mother spoke softly, her voice trailing away as if she were falling asleep. [sounds similar to the beginning. maybe you can have Darren's mum saying something different like "listen, Darren...i haven't got much time..." something like that] “Find help . . . it’s not too late for you . . .”

Her body suddenly relaxed—but she wasn’t dead. I could still see her chest gently rising and falling as she breathed. She was alive, but just barely. My stomach tightened as I realized that she didn’t have long left. It had been three days since my parents had become infected. I was about to see them die.

I couldn’t fight back my tears anymore; they were already blurring my vision as they streamed down my face one after the other.

But then something happened which made the moment even more heartbreaking. My father used all of his remaining strength to reach out beside him and take my mother’s hand. [this was so sad but lovely at the same time. nice job!]

*

Hours later, I was walking across the grand entrance hall of the Apex, on my way to the village outside. My plan was to search for survivors, but ultimately find someone who could help me. That’s what my mother told me to do, but I couldn’t imagine what kind of help she hoped I would find.

The hall was absolutely cavernous. About thirty rows of pillars ran along one side of the room to the other, and continued through the ceiling until they reached the top of the Apex. The pillars were as wide as the average house, and worked together to support the immense building. At regular intervals, a narrow corridor would lead off from the hall and into the bowels of the Apex. [nice description]

I quickly approached the entrance doors at the far side of the room. The entire wall was made of tinted glass, so I had a clear view of the array of even fields outside, which stretched back as far as I could see. The village was beyond those fields, slightly away from the Apex.

It suddenly occurred to me that I might not find any survivors. After all, I hadn’t seen a single person during the long journey from my apartment to the entrance hall. The Apex was deathly quiet, too. This place used to be extremely busy as scientists hurried about, discussing their experiments and working together to study Lokas. Of course, I was never allowed inside any of the labs, I was just a twelve year old kid. But I still saw people wherever I went; the Apex used to be alive with activity. Until now, that is. [i find this a little awkward and confusing. surely he would've found it strange that he wasn't seeing as many people WHILE he was walking through the building and not just suddenly come up with the conclusion that there may not be any survivors, if you know what i mean?]

Suddenly my attention was stolen by a dark shape beyond the glass entrance doors. Night had fallen and a dense, glimmering mist hung in the air, masking the fields with an eerie glow [love this whole sentence. good job!]. I couldn’t quite make out what it was, but there was definitely something there. It was a large, shadowy figure, and it was moving towards the entrance of the Apex.

Seconds later it would come into the entrance hall.

I was rooted to the spot, unable to move, my breath trapped in my chest [interesting way of describing the fact that it was hard for him to breathe. i haven't heard that one before]. Maybe it was a survivor, and they were looking for people to help. Or maybe it wasn’t. I could only stand there and watch as the figure came closer and the entrance doors parted automatically, revealing that it was man who looked very well [awkward - think of a better way to describe his condition] and very out of place. [another awkward sentence. take that out and put in "revealing a man who looked...etc", it just sounds better]

The man was at least six feet tall with short, silver hair. His face was etched with deep lines, particularly around his icy blue eyes. He looked quite old [i think the reader would've guessed he would be old since you mentioned before that he had deep lines] but seemed amazingly firm on his feet, so I couldn’t guess his age. He was wearing an all black uniform with matching hiking boots, which was a little different to the casual clothes we wore on Lokas. But what struck me most about this man’s appearance was his smile. That’s right, everyone on Lokas was suffering the onslaught of a fatal virus — heck, most of the population was already dead, yet this man had still found something to smile about! [this whole paragraph seems awkward to me. it's as if suddenly your writing style has changed. if you want to show personality in your character's narration [saying things like "that's right" and "heck" then find ways to do it throughout the whole story so it doesn't seem awkward ]

“Hello,” he said calmly, closing the distance between us in three purposeful strides. “My name is Captain Laeer. I am the man who found Lokas thirteen years ago.” [to me this seems really awkward, then again, maybe it's just me. it seems strange for some random guy to just speak to another random guy like that - i mean people all around these two people are dying, right? shouldn't there be some element of "are you OK?" - something like that?]

Whoa! I had heard about this guy. He was the leader of the space station which discovered Lokas. I didn’t know much about him, except that he was a very powerful and very intelligent man.

“Hello,” I greeted him politely, suddenly hopeful. Maybe he was here to search for survivors. That made sense. He was the grand captain of a famous space station [you already mentioned that] if anyone could pull off an evacuation mission, it was this guy. “My name is-”

“Darren Davis,” he cut across me. Although he was still smiling, his idle tone of voice suggested that he was only slightly interested in our conversation. His gaze drifted away from me and onto one of the stone pillars as he continued, “I know who you are. You were the very first human born onto Lokas.”

Uh-oh. Not many people knew that. It wasn’t a big deal or anything, but my parents always hid the fact that they were the first couple to have a child on Lokas. They didn’t want everyone to regard me as the first true Lokian, because they were worried that it would mean I wouldn’t have a normal life. So they kept it a secret.

Apparently it wasn’t secret enough, for Captain Laeer seemed to already know all about it.

“Uh, how do you know who I am?” I asked him nervously. I was starting to feel a little uneasy. My natural instincts were picking up on some bad vibes. How did he know who I was? And more importantly, why did he look so amused during this time of crisis? Maybe he didn’t know about what was going on. [ i'm sure he would know if people are dying everywhere] Or maybe he just didn’t care. Either way, I was about to find out what his deal was.

“You’re talking to the man who found Lokas,” he answered knowingly, his creepy smile stretching further up his face. “I have been carefully monitoring this planet since the day I knew it existed [awkward dialogue]. I never miss a trick.”

“Really?” I shot back at him. I tried not to sound aggressive, but at the same time I wanted him to know how serious I was. “So then you know about the virus that’s killing the people of Lokas?”

“Ah, so young!” he chuckled, titling his head to one side and staring at me like I was just a stupid kid. “Of course I know. I have tried everything in my power to stop the virus, but alas, it is much too powerful to be controlled. I am here today to salvage some of my work. I will not allow thirteen years of my time go to waste.”

“It would be wise if you came with me,” he added, before I could question him further, “before you meet the same fate as the others.” [why is his speech in a different line?]

I couldn’t believe that he wanted me to go with him. Well, he said that he wanted me to go with him, but his body language was telling me another story. He stood unnaturally still with both hands placed firmly on his hips as he absentmindedly gazed around the enormous entrance hall. The more I studied his carefree, indifferent demeanour, the more suspicious I grew.

I didn’t want to tick him off with my rudeness, yet I wanted to learn more about the situation before I made any life changing decisions. That’s exactly what it felt like [awkward] it was as if my life depended on whether or not I went with this odd man. When I spoke, I tried not to sound too accusing. “Why are you evacuating Lokas now? We needed your help two weeks ago before it was too late.”

“I didn’t say that I am evacuating Lokas,” he replied immediately. My heart stopped beating, and my mouth fell open in shock. “I am, however, evacuating you.”

I took a tentative step back, shaking my head from side to side. My voice was sharp and assertive as I said, “My parents are still alive, but they are going to die unless we help them now. I’m not leaving without them.”

He remained exactly where he was, his hands on his hips, legs slightly apart. “It’s not too late for you,” he said, repeating my mother’s words. “But it is for them. I will be kind enough to allow you onto my space station, but you will have to leave your parents behind. They would put my crew at risk. That is why I cannot evacuate Lokas. I am not taking any chances with this virus. The infected stay behind, they cannot be evacuated.”

“I refuse to leave my parents here to die!” I half shouted, backing away from him further.

“I’m not giving you a choice,” he said impatiently. Suddenly I heard heavy footsteps approaching from behind. I whirled around and came face to face with two burly men, each clad in the same black uniform that Captain Laeer was wearing. Yikes, where had they come from? [seems completely unrealistic for him to be shouting for his parents security one minute and then saying "yikes" in another. it really ruins the mood of the moment]

The men grabbed me by the arms and waited for Laeer’s command. I tried to struggle free, but it was no-go. They were using such minimal force to hold me still, I wondered if they even noticed that I was trying desperately to pull my arms free.

Laeer motioned for his men to follow him outside, and said, “Take him to the station, we’re leaving.”

“Yes, Captain!” the men replied, ushering me forward.

The entrance doors slid open and Captain Laeer stepped outside. His troll-like goons frogmarched me out after him, their expressions angry and focused as if they had to waste a whole lot of brain power to walk and drag me forward at the same time.

The moment we were outside, I was hit by the sudden drop of temperature, and a sight so incredible I actually stopped trying to struggle free.

I couldn’t make it out clearly because we were surrounded by the glowing mist I described before, but out in the distance, about a mile away and slightly off to the left, I could see Captain Laeer’s space station perched in the centre of a flat field.

The thing was huge. Nowhere near as big as the Apex, but still large enough to look impressive in comparison. The main body was rectangular and light grey. I could see many dark windows along its side which ran parallel to a series of yellow stripes that were painted along the left and right faces. The paint job looked new, too. You would think that as the station spent so much time in space that its body would look a little worn out, but not this station. From what I could see, there wasn’t a single scratch on it, and the yellow stripes looked shiny and flawless.

The station was slightly narrower at one end where the cockpit was. I could see a wide, glass strip that curled around it, but it was too dark to make out the room inside. I imagined that this was the place where Captain Laeer sat, perhaps alongside a crew of pilots who all worked together to guide the station through space. It didn’t look like an easy job. If I had to guess, I would say that the whole station was about a mile and a half long. I bet it took a whole lot of hard work and energy to keep this baby running. [firstly, why isn't he kicking and screaming and wailing in anger and desperation? sure, captain laeer and his men will probably just ignore him but isn't it natural for him to still try and resist? i mean, he's leaving his parents to die! secondly, "keep this baby moving" - another example of awkward narration that is unrealistic]

The sight of Captain Laeer’s amazing station actually took my breath away. [again, i'm baffled. he's just left his parents to die, if i was in his position i wouldn't give a toss what the station looked like, my mind would be on my parents!]

For about three seconds.

Showing me the station only made me realize how close I was to leaving Lokas, so I struggled even harder. I was crying a little, too. And why not? I was being taken away from my home and forced to leave behind my dying parents. I had every right to cry, and even more right to fight back.

“Let go of me you freakin’idiots!” I screamed, flailing about like a fish out of water. Laeer’s henchmen guffawed like two beefy nimrods. They thought my wild bids for freedom were pretty funny, but I didn’t. I tensed my arms as I tried to pull away, kicking at their legs as they dragged me towards the station. That made them both laugh even harder. They smelled really bad, too. Didn’t their space station have any showers?

After a few hundred kicks to the shins, the henchmen realized that I wasn’t going to give up my attack, so they shifted their grip onto my upper arms and hoisted me up into the air. They continued striding forward with me dangling a foot above the ground, helpless and out of energy. [NOW he protests? he really should've done so earlier]

Captain Laeer walked ahead of us in silence. He strode confidently, each step measured to perfection. His short grey hair shone in the starlight like a brilliant silver beacon. Like I said, [awkward] even though he looked old, he seemed amazingly firm on his feet, which made his age impossible to guess.

When we were about halfway across the fields which separated the station from the Apex, Laeer glanced over his shoulder, yelling a simple command to his men.

“Deploy the wings,” he said, immediately returning his gaze to the station.

The goon on my right reached into his pocket with the hand he wasn’t using to hold me in the air. He pulled out a tiny device that was about the size of a key ring. It was jet black, with a yellow button on one side that was flush with the surface of the device. He pointed it at the station as he pushed the button with his thumb.

I would have thought what happened next was pretty cool if I wasn’t so scared I had to pee [completely unrealistic and completely ruining the mood of the moment]. The yellow stripes that ran along the sides of the station began to protrude, noiselessly sliding out of the main body until they resembled wings. I counted six on each side, one on top of the other like a biplane. A massive biplane that could travel through space, that is.

Each wing came out from between two rows of windows. The whole process took about thirty seconds. Once they were fully deployed, they fanned out slightly, the lowest wing gently touching down onto the field. I spotted a series of footholds that ran from the yellow tip of the lowest wing up to the grey body of the station, where a small door had automatically slid open for us. Laeer altered his course slightly, headed for the footholds. I guess that was our entrance. Gulp. [awkward]

The night had grown much colder. I was only wearing a short-sleeved shirt and sweats, so the chilly air froze my skin and numbed my fingers until I could barely move them. I gave up trying to get away at this point, too. My arms were aching because Laeer’s henchmen were still holding me up in the air with their rough, clammy hands. They weren’t laughing anymore, either. Maybe they were as cold and tired as I was. They followed their captain obediently with me in tow, shivering each time we were hit by an icy breeze.

As we neared the lowest wing, the shimmering mist strangely begun to disperse. It was weird, one moment we could barely make out our destination, but the next, the mist had vanished, and we had a much clearer view of what would soon become my prison.

“Welcome aboard Dastos, the grandest space station ever launched from Earth [awkward]!” Laeer called with a joyful, boasting voice. He shot me an icy glare over his shoulder, then stepped onto the tip of the lowest wing and used the footholds I had seen before to climb aboard the station - or Dastos, as Laeer had just called it.

Before Laeer’s men climbed up into Dastos, they placed me back onto the ground and gestured that I should climb up first. I guess they were smarter than they looked, because if they had let me climb up last, I probably would have made a run for it.

Before I began climbing, I glanced over my shoulder and took one last look at the Apex. The giant structure loomed over us ominously. The glossy black surface of the building reflected the stars perfectly, making it blend in with the night sky.

That’s when I realized the full impact of what was about to happen. As I looked to my home for the last time, I realized that I had failed. My parents were going to die, and there was nothing I could do about it. But I had also failed because I didn’t find help for myself, like my mother had told me to. Instead I had bumped into the strange Captain of Dastos, who wanted to force me aboard his station. In their last moments of life, my parents wouldn’t know what happened to me.

“Start climbing,” one of the goons ordered, shoving me closer to the wing. I reluctantly pulled my gaze away from the Apex, and began my climb aboard Dastos.
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TheEvilWithin wrote: The hall could barely contain the thousands of people who were jammed inside to hear the tribute. As far as opening sentences go, this is nothing spectacular. It's not particular grabbing, but then again it doesn't make me not want to read this. And on a positive note I'm curious as to what the tribute might be about.

They were clothed in formal suits and silently faced the back of the room where thirty-six pictures had been tacked to a wall above a high stage. Who are 'they'? I think that since you started a new paragraph I was disconnected from the last sentence. It took me a bit longer than it should have to realize that they are the people in the aforementioned sentence. Each photo depicted a different person, and was large enough for everyone to see. I'm not a grammar whiz, but I think that that comma shouldn't be there since 'was large enough for everyone to see' is not an independent clause. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Nobody wanted to break the heavy silence. They watched the pictures with sombre [Is that supposed to be somber? Are you spelling it wrong or is it just a non-American thing. If you're not from America that is...] expressions, unable to say a word. I think that you should describe their expressions because somber is such a general feeling that it could be almost anything really.

Several minutes went by until the first noise was made. This is just a suggestion but why don't you put these first few sentences into one paragraph. I bet it'll read smoother and not sound as choppy and disconnected.

A frail woman with white hair tied up in a bun carefully stepped onto the stage in front of them. That sentences put a very odd image in my head. I'm imaging a little old lady clambering onto the stage because you never mention stairs and you said before that the stage was high. So I would add that there were stairs so that people don't laugh where laughing isn't called for. Everyone’s attention turned to the woman as she made her way to the end of the stage where a microphone had been prepared for her to make a speech. She took a moment to gather her thoughts, and then addressed the crowd in a clear voice. Why did it take so long for her to finally get up there? Is she a drama queen that just likes to build suspense xD but seriously though I don;t understand why she didn;t go up there right away when everyone got silent.

“We are here today to commemorate the lives of thirty-six people. The tragedy which occurred during the early hours of yesterday morning will become a sad part of our history, and we will often look back on the horror we are experiencing with a solemn heart. Right now, however, we remain confused, frightened, and unable to comprehend the implications of this incident.

“The thirty-six people who lost their lives were talented scientists who worked together to examine our planet, Lokas. To some, their profession may have seemed tedious and unrewarding. That is untrue. The people we are here to honour today were both heroic and noble, and worked to provide humankind with the greatest gift imaginable. Just as a side note, I think you should change up the lengths of some of your sentences to give it some variety because it gets a bit tedious when they're all the same length.

"A second chance.

"Earth has become overpopulated, and as a result, food, wildlife and medical supplies have grown scarce. This is the third listy type sentence that you've had in a short amount of time. That gets annoying after a while. Couldn't she think of a better way to say her sentences? There is little space left to build, and the forever increasing amounts of homeless civilians jealously fight each other for places to live. Violence has become their second nature.

“However, thirteen years ago, this new planet was discovered, and the inhabitants of Earth were immediately filled with hope. Not only did we find a planet that is an idyllic environment for humans to live, we have been given a wonderful opportunity to start again. Our future on Earth was bleak, but now we have the chance to set everything right, wipe the slate clean, and begin new lives on a planet that has not been annihilated by the greedy nature of humans. Yet another listy sentence.

“That is the extraordinary gift the scientists wanted to give humankind. They gave up their lives on Earth to study this planet and determine that it can provide humans with a safe and beneficial environment. Sadly, they did not get to complete their work, but nevertheless, they will forever be remembered as heroes.”

The crowd applauded in agreement. Tears welled in each person’s eyes before streaming down their faces. I know this may seem silly of me to ask, but doesn't that always happen when people cry? Were you just trying to come up with a different way to say they cried? Well if that's the case it's really not working for me. After they stopped clapping, they wiped them away in unison. That would be a really disconcerting thing to see; everyone wiping their tears at once and in unison.

“I would like to say one more thing,” The woman added, staring down at the crowd with a touch of pride in her eyes. “You are all just as heroic as the thirty-six people who died yesterday. One day, we will announce to Earth that this planet is ready for them to use, and they will get their second chance. Your remarkable work will always be remembered. Thank you.”

The crowd applauded once more as the woman stepped off the stage.

That was when it happened. A blaring siren wailed throughout the hall, piercing everyone’s ears and causing them to jump in shock. Their sad expressions instantly turned to surprise and fear as they scanned the room, searching for a sign that would explain why the alarm had been sounded.

The entrance doors burst open. A panic-stricken man with spiky blond hair rushed inside.

It took him several minutes to fight his way through the crowd and reach the stage, but once he did, he bounded on top of it and took the microphone in both of his hands.

“It’s a virus!” He screamed, pointing up at the pictures of the thirty-six scientists for emphasis. “They were infected by a deadly virus, and it’s highly contagious! We have nine more deaths up in the labs! A group of scientists were examining the bodies when they caught the virus too! They’re all dead!

Seconds later, all hell had broken loose inside the hall. The phrase all hell broke loose is very worn out and quite cliched by now. That's something I would definetely change. Everyone was screaming and shouting, their eyes wide as the impact of what the man had said began to sink in.

The horror had only just begun.

Dazed, He shook his head from side to side and pushed away the auburn locks of hair that had fallen in front of his marble green eyes.

He had always disliked the annoying racket the door buzzer caused, and the way in which it made the metal door vibrate just as loudly.

His room was closet-sized, with a low ceiling and a narrow strip of walking space.

The man was tall, with dark features that contrasted horribly with his ghostly pale skin. He was wearing black cargo pants, with a matching t-shirt and hiking boots.

Jase sat up slowly, running a large hand through his short, sandy hair. “ Damn, I’ve never been up this early. This better be good--really good. If the captain just wants me to clean toilets, then I’m using his toothbrush.”

Their laughs made each other laugh.

Darren thought the idea of a genogram mission was the exact opposite of ‘nice’, and from the frightened look on Sam’s face, he guessed that he was not the only one who thought so.

“Woo-hoo!” he screamed, imagining the amount of fun he was about to have, whilst punching the air in excitement. “A genogram mission! Awesome.”

He seemed like a smart kid to Darren. He might not have known what a genogram mission was, but he had enough intelligence to know that if Jase was about to have fun, then something really, really bad was about to happen.

P.S Don't worry, you don't need to give me any points. You said that you would when you posted in my WRFF thread. If you do send me points, I'll send them back. Plus, with another 5000 points.

TheEvilWithin wrote:Chapter One

The loud buzz jolted Darren awake. For whatever reason, that sentence made me giggle. It made me think he was getting tased or something. Besides, the words buzz and jolted aren't really the best next to each other. They seem like they could be synonyms and then it guts redundent.

He sat up in alarm, his ears pricked and the hair on the back of his neck on end. The sharp sound had been quick and insistent, stopping before he was conscious enough to work out what it was.

Dazed, he shook his head from side to side and pushed away the auburn locks of hair that had fallen in front of his marble green eyes. I think that's a bit too much of a description of his appearance so soon. And this is really childish, but I just have to do it. HE'S A GINGER! *cough* I'm done now xD

The buzz You already described it as a buzz in the first sentence. Pick a synonym and stick it in there. sounded again from just outside his bedroom, immediately explaining the mystery of what had woken him. Somebody was at the door. He had always disliked the annoying racket the door buzzer caused, and the way in which it made the metal door vibrate just as loud. Now that you call it a buzzer instead of a door bell I would either take out both of the word "buzz" or change buzzer to door bell. It helps the flow of the story so that it doesn't sound like you're saying the same thing over and over again.

Grumbling an incoherent string of swearwords and flinching as his bare feet hit the cold, tiled floor, Darren got out of bed and took a shaky step forward, almost tripping over a pair of boots. This sentence is ridiculously long. Definitely break it up. His room was closet-sized, with a low ceiling and a narrow strip of walking space. That bit of description seems like filler. Honestly, at this point I don't really care what his room looks like. Unless this ties in to something later then I would cut it out completely and subtly slip things about his room in when they are the most inconspicuous but they still get the point across.

Attached to the wall beside the door was a small keypad with two buttons. He poked the top button and watched the door slide open with a sour expression. I would really love it if there was just a bit of description here instead of you telling me that he wore a sour expression.

“Good morning,” a black-haired man greeted him falsely, sounding as if he wished Darren anything but a good morning. For whatever reason, I really like that sentence even though it's in the form of a wierd sentence-dialogue tag thingy.The man was tall, with dark features that contrasted horribly with his ghostly pale skin. He was wearing black cargo pants, with a matching t-shirt and hiking boots. Again, that info-dumpy telly thing where you give me all the information about whatevers happening in a little dense blob is a big no-no. Spread it out inconspicuously or take it all out entirely.

“What do you want?” Darren sighed, pulling a tangle of garments that seems like the wrong word considering how casual a tone this has had so far... from under his bed and donning Just like that with the startchy words that don't fit in with the scene. Replace it with something else that fits better. a shirt identical to the one the man was wearing. He also pulled a pair of cargos over the shorts he had slept in before straightening up and staring at the man expectantly. Darren doesn't seem like the sort of guy that would do anything expectantly. Just from the way you have portrayed him so farm but then again it is morning, and he may just be grumpy about that.

“The captain would like to see you in the control room in ten minutes,” the man ordered, rolling his eyes as he pulled his gaze away from the air vent he was pretending to be interested in while Darren dressed himself. Your dialogue tage are way too long. You could just split them up like: ," the man ordered. He rolled his eyes as he pulled his gaze away from the air vent he was pretending to be interested in while Darren dressed himself.

They glared at each other for a solid thirty seconds before Darren finally replied. Why are they all of a sudden glaring? I get that they don't especially like each other, but what happened that I missed?

“No. Go away.”

The man’s face twisted into an ugly portrayal of aggression. I don't like that sentence because you tell me what emotion his face looks like, but you never actually say what it looks like. “Maybe I should clarify,” he seethed That dialogue tag is very rediculous. Just say he said because the rest of the tag explains that he's upset., his ashen cheeks instantly flashing scarlet as he stuck his nose in Darren’s face. “Be inside the control room in ten minutes. If you are not there by then, I will come back and help you get there.”

His sudden display of rage [that was a pretty pitiful display of rage if you ask m...]did not frighten Darren; he was far too used to the crew’s temperamental behaviour. His disdainful expression changed to a mask of indifference as he said, “Whatever. Tell the cappy I’ll be there in due course. Now get out of my bedroom.” Here's another instenace when you use emotions to describe the facial image, but me-as the reader-can never imagine what they look like when you do that.

The man hissed like an enraged cat, his nostrils flaring. That's a lot better! Now I know he's angry and it is a wonderful description of it. “Bring your delightful sidekick along, too!” he ordered Darren before stomping out of the room.

Darren smiled as he shoved his feet into a dusty pair of boots. He knew exactly why the man didn’t want to wake Jase up himself, certain that it had everything to do with Jase’s extreme intolerance for the older crew members. Because they were both sixteen, they were known as junior recruits, and were treated horribly by the crew who piloted the space station, whose rank was far greater than theirs. Since they're junior recruits I think that it's already obvious that the older crew members ranking is higher than theirs.

Darren hated the pilots, but ,his best friend, Jase was another matter entirely. I think that the reader would already assume that they're friends just from what was already mentioned about the two.

Jase’s bedroom was beside Darren’s, so he was there within seconds. He rung the buzzer twice and waited patiently in the corridor for him to open the door. He didn’t. Darren rang it three more times. No answer. His patience was dissolving fast. He pushed the buzzer once more, but didn’t take his finger off. Why are there buzzers at every door if they're only bedrooms? That seems extremely odd and unrealistic to me.

The door slid open after five seconds of the constant, ear-splitting vibrations. Vibrations? I thought it was a doorbell.

Darren released the buzzer and stepped inside, instantly amused that Jase was entirely covered by a twisted mess of sheets, yet had still managed to open the door without getting out of bed.

“Er, Jase?” Darren asked, unsure of how to break the good news to him.”The captain wants to see us.” To me, it seems like seeing the captain would be a bad thing. Kind of the same pirnciple as being sent to the prinicpal's office.

Jase poked his head out from beneath the muddle of sheets, opening his dark blue eyes halfway and surveying his friend with a look of disbelief.

“What time is it?”

Darren checked his watch. “You’re not gonna like this . . .”

“What time is it?” he asked again.

“Half past five.”

Jase sat up slowly, running a large hand through his short, sandy hair. That's a good way to put in details about the characters without messing up the flow of the story and bogging it down with unnescessary detail. Whenever I spot clumps of unneeded detail I'll just write {DETAIL BOG}“ Damn, I’ve never been up this early. This better be good--really good. If the captain just wants me to clean toilets, then I’m using his toothbrush.” I'm starting to like Jase. xD

“Why would he ask you to clean toilets?” Darren asked, a smile curling the corner of his mouth. “He knows you wouldn’t do it.”

“I would if I actually knew where he keeps his toothbrush,” Jase admitted, pretending to keep up the tough bravado but failing to do so when Darren burst out laughing, which caused him to chuckle, too. Their laughs made each other laugh. That last line seems very awkward. I would change the whole paragraph to accomodate the change. It would read something like: "I would if I actually knew where he keeps his toothbrush," Jase admitted. He pretended to keep up the tough bravado but then Darren started laughing. His laugh was infectious and soon they were both laughing unti their sides ached. Or something like that. You see what I'm getting at, right?

“I’ll wait outside. Hurry up and get dressed,” said Darren once the laughter had ceased.

There wasn’t much to look at inside the corridor. On one side of the passage, doors were spaced at regular intervals, and led to other too-small bedrooms. The other side was a blank, grey wall. Grey seemed to be the color scheme of the station. The floors, walls, ceilings and doors were all the same dull shade. {DETAIL BOG}

Jase, now wearing the black clothes which were customary aboard the station, entered the corridor with a determined expression on his face. “I can’t wait to hear what the good ol’ captain wants. Let’s go.” Why would having to walk to the captain's office make him determined? It's not like he has to climb Mount Everest to get there...

Jase didn’t bother to shut his bedroom door. He didn’t own anything worth stealing, except a chrome flip knife which he always carried around with him 'in case of an emergency.' He led the way, striding forward with booted feet which caused loud, echoing footfalls, with Darren following close behind. The phrasing and word choice in the last sentence is odd. If I were you I would change it to something along the lines of: He led the way, his booted feet making loud, echoing footfalls reverberate through the desolate hallway; Darren followed closely behind him. Like always. See what I did there?

They navigated their way through the labyrinthine That word really just stopped my reading. You could easily sustitute it with a word with not as many syllables with the same meaning. passages towards the front of Dastos. Although Dastos was the largest research station ever launched from Earth, Darren had lived on board for four years, and Jase five, so they were able to find their way without getting lost once. If I were you I would swap the places of there two sentences. Flip them and re-read them; then you'll see what I mean. It seems to flow better and make a bit more sense.

To pass the time, they had fun inventing reasons for the captain wanting to see them. Darren-and Jase especially-don't seem like the type to do something so sily and childish. Especially at sixteen. I would make them a bit more mature, but maybe I read the characters personalities wrong... They laughed boisterously at each other’s wild suggestions, and were forced to pause on several occasions to catch their breath. As they neared their destination, however, Darren fell silent, mentally preparing himself for whatever they were about to find inside the control room. At the beginning of this, he was happy to go to the captain's office, and now, all of a sudden he needs to prepare himself? I would change that so that his emotions about it match up during the whole piece because there was nothing that made him change his mind. It just seems random.

Jase, sensing Darren’s sudden nervousness, punched him on the arm and said, “Just go with it,” I don't get what that's supposed to mean. before jogging up a flight of stairs and throwing open the wide doors which led to the cavernous control room beyond. Darren shrugged before hurrying after him.

Darren had been inside the control room once before, when he joined Dastos four years ago. He was unsurprised to see that it hadn’t changed since. The room was ringed by a series of catwalks which led off to each floor of the station. The far wall was entirely made of glass and usually provided a broad view of space, but was currently shielded by metal shutters. An array of control panels curled around the edges of the room, leaving a large circular space of floor in the middle. Hundreds of pilots sat around the panels in winged chairs, expertly flipping switches, pressing buttons and generally making themselves look busy. {DETAIL BOG}

Four people were take out were or change stood to standing already stood inside the circle of computer panels, awaiting their arrival. One of them was the pilot who had woken The word woken seems quite awkward there.Darren. He towered over two young boys who were Again, either take out were or change stood to standing.stood beside him with nervous expressions. They had their backs to the entrance, and were standing a few metres away from the fourth person, who was absentmindedly gazing out of the window as if it wasn’t concealed by metal shutters. Well then he really wouldn't be gazing out of the window as much as staring at the metal shutters, now would he? xD

Captain Laeer, the commander of Dastos. I don't really understand why this sentence is here.

Darren and Jase joined the group and waited impatiently with their hands on their hips for Captain Laeer to turn around. Once he did, they saw that his icy blue eyes were bright with amusement, and his pale, papery lips were curled into a smug grin. He wore the same clothes as everyone else on Dastos, except his were white, which perfectly matched his shock of bristly, snowy hair. He stood to his full height of six feet, his legs slightly apart.

Darren felt Jase tense up beside him, closing his own hands into fists at the sight of their captain. Why all of a sudden are they not happy like they were at the beginning at having to go to the captain?

“So,” growled Jase, breaking the ice. It seems very unlikely that Jase would actually be rude to the captain. Especially when he has no reason to complain other than the time. “Why have you brought us here at this ridiculous time?”

Darren braced himself, expecting Captain Laeer to explode as a result of Jase’s rudeness. He didn’t. Instead, the captain closed the distance between himself and the group in three purposeful strides, his smile broadening as he went.

“Today is a very special day,” he announced to the group, opening his arms into a gesture of welcome.

The pilot frowned, which Darren thought was odd. The pilots were always annoyingly up-to-date with the happenings of Dastos, yet he seemed atypically curious, as if he didn’t know what Captain Laeer had to say. The word atypically is very odd here and that last bit that says 'as if he didn't know what Captain Laeer had to say' seems a bit redundent because wouldn't that be what was implied by him being atypically curious?

“In the next few hours,” Captain Laeer continued, looking to each of them in turn with a happy gleam in his eyes, “You will be put on a trial far superior than any other test that has been designed to study a man’s aptitude for survival. I am talking, of course, of a genogram mission.”

There was a collective intake of breath among the group as Captain Laeer dropped the bombshell on them. The tension in the air spiked, as if a bone-jarring jolt of electricity had passed through them and rattled their brains.

“Captain, please!” the pilot instantly begged, waving his arms for emphasis. “These four boys have received very minimal training. They are not ready for a genogram mission!”

“Sam, there is no need to be alarmed,” Captain Laeer addressed the pilot, sweeping his pleas away with a wave of his hand. “I am counting on you to lead these boys through the mission. They require your expertise in the area of genograms and need you to guide them through the dangers ahead. Don’t you think that would be nice, hmm?”

Darren thought the idea of a genogram mission was the exact opposite of ‘nice’, and from the frightened look on Sam’s face, he guessed that he was not the only one who thought so. The two boys beside Darren didn’t appear to even know what a genogram mission was, as they were swapping uneasy looks of confusion

The only person who did seem to agree with Captain Laeer’s flippant use of the word ‘nice’, was Jase.

“Woo-hoo!” he screamed, imagining the amount of fun he was about to have whilst punching the air in excitement. “A genogram mission! Awesome.”

“W-what’s a genogram mission?” one of the small boys stuttered. He looked at least three years younger than Darren and Jase. He had dirty blond hair, and fidgeted a lot with his hands, which gave him a rodent-like appearance. He was also wearing bioptic glasses, which magnified his eyes to three times their original size.

He seemed like a smart kid to Darren. He might not have known what a genogram mission was, but he had enough intelligence to know that if Jase was about to have fun, then something really, really bad was about to happen.

imaginemymind wrote:O.K .. one word! amazing! ...i really like this. And for someone who doesn't have alot of
experience writing your doing a fantastic job!!! seriously.! i love your use of details , which i have to admit, i myself am not too good at. i can invision the scene ... I love it how you explained the whole i guess "history" of the new plant without actually just telling it, you incorporated it into the story. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or not but well hey you did a great job.
.... Sorry i know my review isn't wicked long like many of the ones before mine but i just can't really find anything to say except I REALLY LOVE THIS .!
.... Keep me posted when you add new chapters -imaginemymind (p.s my friends and family don't really read my work either )