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In Defense of Our Nation (Working Title) Scene 1



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Thu Jul 15, 2010 7:54 pm
Prosithion says...



Snow was falling gently in the pine forests of southwestern Canada, slowly coating every rock and plant with a fine patina of white. A deer grazed languidly in a clearing, nosing through the shallow drifts of snow, nibbling at the stunted blades of grass. Its head sprang suddenly up, its ears perked. It listened intently. And bolted for the edge of the clearing as gunfire erupted in all directions. It almost made it to the tree line before being cut down in a hail of bullets.

Bark splintered off trees and men screamed in pain and anger as bullets found their mark.

The firestorm of flying lead died down slowly. A grenade exploded somewhere beyond the line of trees, throwing dirt and leaf litter in all directions. After that, there was silence. The snow continued to fall unabated. After several minutes, a man stepped out from behind one of the enormous conifers. A few feet away, another man appeared, and another, and another. They crept into the clearing without a sound, their guns held at the ready.

The man in front paused for a few moments, then straightened, and motioned to the men behind him. “All clear.”

Only then did the rest of his fellows appear, stepping out from behind trees and rocks.

“Looks like we got… twelve of the bastards, plus dinner.” The man said brightly, indicating the deer, which was becoming quickly obscured by snow.

A cry rang out, sharp and startling, from the forest behind them. “Medic! Ruiz is hit.”

The man in the clearing bolted towards the direction the voice had come from. He vaulted over a fallen tree and crashed through a thicket, in his haste to reach the wounded soldier. He dropped to his knees at the injured man’s side.

He took one look at the wound, and knew it didn’t look good. There was blood everywhere, slowly spreading out in a halo of red around the man’s body, turning the snow into dark red slush.

“Doc, how bad is it?” the soldier said thinly, clutching at the gaping wounds in his stomach. The medic didn’t respond, but laid his hand on the soldier’s shoulder, then ripped a medical pack out of a pouch on his waist.

The soldier who’d called for him was kneeling on the other side of the dying man. The medic looked up at him and shook his head, handing him a bundle of gauze. “Press that into the wound, it’ll slow the bleeding.”

The soldier took it, and with shaking fingers, pressed it into the wounds in the man’s stomach, causing him to gasp with pain.

The medic pulled a syringe out of the pouch and injected morphine into the dying man’s neck. After about a minute, the man stopped shivering. The medic felt for his pulse, then sat back, rubbing his face, leaving a smear of blood across his chin.

“You can stop that now,” he said, “he’s dead.”

The soldier pulled his hands away from the dead soldier’s stomach, shifting backwards, to avoid the expanding pool of blood.

The medic’s radio crackled to life, “Sergeant Lee, report.”

The medic reached for the radio on his shoulder, and pressed the transmit button. “Ruiz is dead, Captain.”

“Shit.” The radio crackled for a moment. “What about hostiles?”

“We capped twelve of them, the rest retreated.”

“Good, get back to base.”

“Roger that.” The medic clicked his radio off and stood, grabbing his rifle. “Swanson and Pryce get the body. The rest of you we’re moving out.”

Two soldiers hustled out of a small cluster, and came over, one of them unhooking a folded stretcher from his pack. The positioned Ruiz’s body on it, covered him with an olive green blanket, and lifted the stretcher.

The rest of the soldiers fell into position, two of them shouldering a tree branch with the body of the deer trussed upon it.

Sergeant Jefferson Lee made a move to breathe on his freezing fingers, and remembering that they were covered in Ruiz’s blood, let them drop to his sides, and sighed heavily, following the rest of his soldiers out of the clearing.

It was a three hour walk back to camp, and they were less then halfway there when the sun started to creep down below the line of trees, casting long shadows across their path.

Following the sun, the temperature dropped rapidly and even in their heavy sweaters and coats, the soldiers began shivering. Lee pulled a pair of gloves out of his pocket, and ignoring the fact that his hands were still covered in blood, slid them on, and stuffed his freezing hands into his armpits.

“Damn, Jeff, it’s getting really bloody cold out,” Private Pryce said from behind him, still bearing the front of the stretcher.

“Tell me about it. They’d better have coffee or something waiting for us when we get back.” Lee said, slowing so that he could walk beside his friend.

“You know,” Pryce said good-naturedly, “When I joined, they told me I’d be in Hawaii, or Tahiti, not fucking Canada.”

“Yeah, I still can’t believe you actually joined.”

Pryce laughed, a tinny sound in the bitter cold, “You are never gonna let that go, are you? Two years, and you’re still going on about the fact that I volunteered. You sound like my mother.”

“Yeah, well someone has to.”

Another soldier appeared out of the gloom to Lee’s left. “Sergeant, do you think the Alliance is out there? In the forest, watching us?”

It was Private Evans, the man who had helped Lee with Ruiz. He was a nervous man, and was often taken with flights of fancy.

“No, Private, They’re probably just as cold and miserable as we are; I doubt that they would want to start something.”

“But sir, I heard from a guy in the 204th that the Alliance caught them in an ambush, just like this.”

Pryce rolled his eyes and looked past Lee at Evans. “You silly wanker, you’re always yammering about something or another, give it a rest already. And besides, you can’t believe anything anyone from the 204th says, they’re full of shit.”

Lee looked at Pryce, then back at Evans and shrugged, “There you have it.”

Evans looked at him, then at the forest nervously.

“Look, Evans, How bout you help the guys with the deer, I’m sure they’d be glad for the help.”

Evans nodded, and vanished back into the gloom.

Lee looked at Pryce, “Down boy.”

“Look,” Pryce said, “That guy gets on my nerves, and my feet hurt, and Ruiz here isn’t getting any lighter.”

“Well, look at the bright side,” Lee laughed tiredly, moving away from him, heading for the front of the column, “we’re almost there, only another hour or so.”

Pryce groaned.

The falling snow had picked up considerably, and after another two hours, Lee called a halt, and dropped to the snow, pulling out a map from his coat. He sat staring at it for several minutes, and finally stood, kicking snow angrily, glaring up at the falling snow.

“We lost, Serg?” Corporal Westman asked from where he was leaning against the deer several feet away.

Lee looked at him darkly, “No, we aren’t lost; we’re just moving slower then shit in shinola. We’ve only gone seven miles. It’ll be another two hours at least until we’re back.”

All of the soldiers groaned collectively.

“Take another five minutes, and then we’d better get moving again.”

As if to drive the point home, Lee’s radio crackled to life, “Sergeant Lee, please update, we expected you back more than an hour ago.”

“Captain,” Lee said tiredly, clutching the radio with his frozen hands, “This snow is really slowing us down, we’re gonna be out here for awhile.”

“Understood, keep us posted. Find any way to speed up, if you can.” Captain Howell’s voice was filled with static from the cold, and Lee tilted his head towards the radio, to try and hear what he was saying. “Over and out.”

Lee walked over to where Ruiz’s body was resting. He grimaced and motioned to Pryce and Swanson. “Leave the body.”

“Sir?” Swanson asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise. Lee was not one to leave a comrade behind, be he dead or alive.

“Just do it.”

They nodded slowly, and gently pulled Ruiz’s frozen body off the stretcher, taking care to bury him under snow and whatever dirt they could chip off the frozen ground.

Lee let them rest five minutes longer then he said he would, then motioned to them. “Let’s go.”

The soldiers heaved themselves to their feet and resumed their course, knee deep in snow.

Out of the gloom, Lee saw a sign, sticking fifteen feet out of the snow. It read ‘Motel’. Lee whooped in delight and waved to a crouched figure atop the sign. The sniper, seeing Lee through his night vision scope, grinned, and flicked his flashlight off and on several times.

A collective sigh of relief emanated from the men behind Lee. “Thank God. We finally made it. I thought we would die out there.” His voice trailed off, remembering Ruiz.
Lee looked at his watch. It read 12:15. “Jesus,” he said under his breath, “we’ve been out there for nearly ten hours.”

Pryce pushed past him. “Yeah, well I can smell coffee, so move your ass.”

Lee let him by, and after making sure that his men were settled in, headed over to the main building, which had been designated as the command center. Inside, the room had been moved around, so that it centered around a table with a map on it, and a radio. There were several chairs along one wall, and Lee collapsed into one, rubbing his face exhaustedly.

Lieutenant Abney stalked up to him. “There’s no time to relax, Sergeant, you have a report to write.” With that, she spun on her heel and stormed away. He went limp, and groaned, muttering under his breath.

Captain Howell watched her go, from across the room, and then strolled over to Lee’s side. He noticed that Lee was starting to doze off, and nudged his shoulder. “That report can wait till later. Go get some sleep.”

Lee nodded slowly and stood. He saluted, and left the room. It was a short walk outside, and down the sidewalk to one of the rooms. He entered, stripped out of his sodden uniform, and collapsed on the bed.
Last edited by Prosithion on Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Jul 15, 2010 9:51 pm
RacheDrache says...



This was really well balanced from a plot perspective. You introduced just enough to keep me interested in the plot and story, but you didn't tell me what's going to happen in the rest of the novel, either. In fact, you kept most of that sort of information (who they are, what they were doing there, etc.) contained to the dialogue, which worked quite well.

Also, the pacing and timing were good. You moved the guys through time and space well without any confusion on my part.

A few things did keep me from getting into this, though. One is that you introduce quite a few characters, and I couldn't keep most of them straight. I even forgot your main dude's name after a while. To solve this problem, maybe introduce a few less names in this first chapter? And, give us something to remember the characters by, a handle. It can be a physical characteristic or their position--just a few words to help us get a visual and form an idea of what role this person's going to play in the story to come.

I think you have an advantage in the above concern, because you've gone with an omniscient narrator(?), which gives you a little more leeway to describe, as you do with Private Evans. Embrace all that narrator can do for you, in fact. Some more details to help the readers orient themselves couldn't hurt. While I like the directness of the prose, it was hard to keep track of not only who's who, but who's where and doing what.

And a few things went unexplained--how they knew the people they were fighting were all dead/dying/fled, how they knew where they were going, etc. Nothing the reader necessarily has to know, but why confuse or make him/her wonder about something that's not that important (unless it is important, in which case I'm very intrigued.)

On a more technical note, your dialogue's suffering from a bad case of adverb. Let the words speak for themselves. No need to tell the reader how something is said unless it's said in a way the reader couldn't figure out from the words or context. If you want to add some more information, finding a way that's not an adverb is usually a good idea. The reason is that adverbs are the reigning kings of "telling" words.

And I think that's all I've got.

In sum, I like the pace and flow here, and your management of the details. The sparseness of the prose is a nice parallel to the rather desolate location and the bleakness of the subject matter (to get all literary on you.) Even so, adding some more details can help the reader keep track. Setting details, primarily, and a few basic things (like how they knew the enemies were dead/fled) for the logically minded readers.

Build the characterization through details and some description (not necessarily appearances) and perhaps scale back on the number of characters you introduce so early.

And, de-adverb your tags.

I'd like to read more, too.

Rach
  





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Fri Jul 16, 2010 2:08 am
Prosithion says...



Thanks for the Crit. I'll update it when I can.

I might post scene 2 tonight or maybe tomorrow morning.

Thanks again,
Pros
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Sun Jul 18, 2010 11:18 am
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spiderman says...



Spiderman here.
First, I got to say awesome avatar. Guess what even more awesome than your avatar. These paragraphs :

Snow was falling gently in the pine forests of southwestern Canada, slowly coating every rock and plant with a fine patina of white. A deer grazed languidly in a clearing, nosing through the shallow drifts of snow, nibbling at the stunted blades of grass. Its head sprang suddenly up, its ears perked. It listened intently. And bolted for the edge of the clearing as gunfire erupted in all directions. It almost made it to the tree line before being cut down in a hail of bullets.

Bark splintered off trees and men screamed in pain and anger as bullets found their mark.

The firestorm of flying lead died down slowly. A grenade exploded somewhere beyond the line of trees, throwing dirt and leaf litter in all directions. After that, there was silence. The snow continued to fall unabated. After several minutes, a man stepped out from behind one of the enormous conifers. A few feet away, another man appeared, and another, and another. They crept into the clearing without a sound, their guns held at the ready.

The man in front paused for a few moments, then straightened, and motioned to the men behind him. “All clear.”


This is awesome, because not only does it start with description of the setting it hops into a good amount of action for the reader to get hooked. Your intro is almost perfect :D .

“Looks like we got… twelve of the bastards, plus dinner.” The man said brightly, indicating the deer, which was becoming quickly obscured by snow.

A cry rang out, sharp and startling, from the forest behind them. “Medic! Ruiz is hit.”

The man in the clearing bolted towards the direction the voice had come from. He vaulted over a fallen tree and crashed through a thicket, in his haste to reach the wounded soldier. He dropped to his knees at the injured man’s side.



I don't think a battle where twelve of the enemy died and only one of Lee's side is injured sounds likely. It maybe that their fighting a more guerrilla style or unskilled army, so Lee's team has the upper-hand. If they are fighting a poorer county I guess its okay too. Maybe Lee is like a battlefield hero. I guess I'll stop rambling and go on.


The soldier took it, and with shaking fingers, pressed it into the wounds in the man’s stomach, causing him to gasp with pain.

The medic pulled a syringe out of the pouch and injected morphine into the dying man’s neck. After about a minute, the man stopped shivering. The medic felt for his pulse, then sat back, rubbing his face, leaving a smear of blood across his chin.

“You can stop that now,” he said, “he’s dead.”

The soldier pulled his hands away from the dead soldier’s stomach, shifting backwards, to avoid the expanding pool of blood.

The medic’s radio crackled to life, “Sergeant Lee, report.”

The medic reached for the radio on his shoulder, and pressed the transmit button. “Ruiz is dead, Captain.”

“Shit.” The radio crackled for a moment. “What about hostiles?”

“We capped twelve of them, the rest retreated.”

“Good, get back to base.”


You introduced the MC here as a medic and readers will also know he's the sergeant from the radio. It was a nice introduction to the character. I like how you called the other character shoulder. No need to introduce an unnecessary character.

Overall, this is a good piece and I will read next scene as well. You don't reveal much of the plot which is good so readers won't be able to guess all the scenes that happen next. Lee and Pryce are the characters that stand out most. You have a beautiful writing voice. Keep writing.

~Spiderman~
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My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

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Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:33 am
*coco says...



Hey, Proseithion! Coco here as requested! I don't normally do Sci-fi but I had a look at this and...well...I loved it! I was so engrossed in the story that I forgot I needed to review. Everything was described wonderfully down to the last bullet and dead body - I felt as though I was there with the soldiers.

Great job! I'm sorry this review was so helpless, I'm actually off to read more seeing as you have another two chapters! See you there!

*coco
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Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:57 pm
Firestarter says...



Hey man,

Here as requested.

Snow was falling gently in the pine forests of southwestern Canada, slowly coating every rock and plant with a fine patina of white. A deer grazed languidly in a clearing, nosing through the shallow drifts of snow, nibbling at the stunted blades of grass. Its head sprang suddenly up, its ears perked. It listened intently. And bolted for the edge of the clearing as gunfire erupted in all directions. It almost made it to the tree line before being cut down in a hail of bullets.


Severe case of too-many-adverbs is my diagnosis for your opening paragraph. Your first line includes "gently" and "slowly" and both aren't needed. We know snow falls gently, and we know it covers things (usually) slowly. Neither word helps the sentences. I have to say first sentences about weather I dislike. You also don't mention a main character, which you should be doing. Otherwise I might think this is about a deer. Back to adverbs, anyway--"listened intently" is poor. You could find a better verb and drop the adverb. Deers generally graze languidly, too. In fact "graze" suggests languidness. Suddenly is covered by the use of sprang. Basically, your verbs are actually great -- nibbling, sprang, grazed, etc. But they're ruined by useless adverbs.

The medic’s radio crackled to life, “Sergeant Lee, report.”

The medic reached for the radio on his shoulder, and pressed the transmit button. “Ruiz is dead, Captain.”

“Shit.” The radio crackled for a moment. “What about hostiles?”

“We capped twelve of them, the rest retreated.”

“Good, get back to base.”

“Roger that.” The medic clicked his radio off and stood, grabbing his rifle. “Swanson and Pryce get the body. The rest of you we’re moving out.”


Would the medic really be the radio guy in the patrol, too?

I'm also wondering whether they'd really carry Ruiz. That's a lot of effort, just after a firefight, to carry a dead body back to camp. I know the whole no man left behind, and burying the dead thing, but they'd realistically just leave him.

“We lost, Serg?” Corporal Westman asked from where he was leaning against the deer several feet away.


I think generally it's spelt "Sarge" when shortened.

I agree with Rachael in that the characters were a little difficult to follow without physical characteristics or characterisation -- they all blurred into one army guy. It might be a good shout to keep the names down till later, focusing on a couple of characters, e.g Sergeant Lee and Pryce, for example.

Pretty decent though, overall. The action was dealt with well, and the narration was generally proficient. It was solid if unspectacular. It was a pretty standard war novel opening, with stock characters and a familiar plot. I hope you have some original ideas in the future because right now this could almost fit into any conflict, at any point, anywhere. Without any insight into the characters or having a limited third-person narrator, there's not a lot for the reader to get their teeth in.

Good luck with the rest of it.

Cheers,

Jack.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:37 pm
ultraviolet says...



Here to review as requested! Sorry it took so long.

Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments

Prosithion wrote:Snow was falling gently in Could just be me, but "on" seems like a more appropriate word for this sentence. the pine forests of southwestern Canada, slowly coating every rock and plant with a fine patina of white. A deer grazed languidly in a clearing, nosing through the shallow drifts of snow, nibbling at the stunted blades of grass. Its head sprang suddenly up, its ears perked. It listened intently, then bolted for the edge of the clearing as gunfire erupted in all directions. It almost made it to the tree line before being cut down in a hail of bullets.

Bark splintered off trees and men screamed in pain and anger as bullets found their mark.

The firestorm of flying lead died down slowly. A grenade exploded somewhere beyond the line of trees, throwing dirt and leaf litter in all directions. After that, there was silence. The snow continued to fall unabated. After several minutes, a man stepped out from behind one of the enormous conifers. A few feet away, another man appeared, and another, and another. They crept into the clearing without a sound, their guns held at the ready.

These first paragraphs don't seem right to me. You don't really feel it, if that makes sense. It's like we're watching a movie with the sound off. A movie that's sort of panning throughout the battle. We need closeness to feel, to want to know what happens. Maybe have your MC talked about in this, tell us about his pain, about his tension, the suspense. Right now we get that's the effect--cutting from a peaceful deer to a raging battle--but there's not enough details and not enough insight to really feel. We don't know what we're supposed to sympathize with. Simply having one person named and being told what's happening to that person brings a whole new layer.

Oh, and let me guess. I'm rambling and making absolutely no sense, right?


The man in front paused for a few moments, then straightened, and motioned to the men behind him. “All clear.”

Only then did the rest of his fellows appear, stepping out from behind trees and rocks.

“Looks like we got… twelve of the bastards, plus dinner,the man said brightly, indicating the deer, which was becoming quickly Flip these words. It doesn't really make sense this way. obscured by snow.

A cry rang out, sharp and startling, from the forest behind them. “Medic! Ruiz is hit.” I know this is my incompetence speaking, but at first I thought that a gun was firing, a bullet shooting. It was either "rang" that gave me this impression, or "sharp and startling." I realize that description is necessary, but here it's taking away from the story. Take out "sharp and startling." You'll thank me later.

The man in the clearing bolted towards the direction the voice had come from. He vaulted over a fallen tree and crashed through a thicket, in his haste to reach the wounded soldier. This wording is awkward. Change it to "He vaulted over a fallen tree, and in his haste to reach the wounded soldier, he crashed through a thicket. He dropped to his knees at the injured man’s side.

He took one look at the wound, and knew it didn’t look good. There was blood everywhere, slowly spreading out in a halo of red around the man’s body, turning the snow into dark red slush. I know, I have a twisted mind, but this is my kind of description.

“Doc, how bad is it?” the soldier said thinly, clutching at the gaping wounds in his stomach. The medic didn’t respond, but laid his hand on the soldier’s shoulder, then ripped a medical pack out of a pouch on his waist.

The soldier who’d called for him was kneeling on the other side of the dying man. The medic looked up at him and shook his head, handing him a bundle of gauze. “Press that into the wound, it’ll slow the bleeding.”

The soldier took it, and with shaking fingers, pressed it into the wounds in the man’s stomach, causing him to gasp with pain.

The medic pulled a syringe out of the pouch and injected morphine into the dying man’s neck. After about a minute, the man stopped shivering. The medic felt for his pulse, then sat back, rubbing his face, leaving a smear of blood across his chin.

“You can stop that now,” he said.He’s dead.”

The soldier pulled his hands away from the dead soldier’s stomach, shifting backwards, to avoid the expanding pool of blood.

The medic’s radio crackled to life. “Sergeant Lee, report.”

The medic reached for the radio on his shoulder,and pressed the transmit button. “Ruiz is dead, Captain.”

“Shit.” The radio crackled for a moment. “What about hostiles?”

“We capped twelve of them, the rest retreated.”

“Good, get back to base.”

“Roger that.” The medic clicked his radio off and stood, grabbing his rifle. “Swanson and Pryce, get the body. The rest of you, we’re moving out.”

Two soldiers hustled out of a small cluster, and came over, one of them unhooking a folded stretcher from his pack. They positioned Ruiz’s body on it, covered him with an olive green blanket, and lifted the stretcher.

The rest of the soldiers fell into position, two of them shouldering a tree branch with the body of the deer trussed upon it.

Sergeant Jefferson Lee made a move to breathe on his freezing fingers, then, remembering that they were covered in Ruiz’s blood, let them drop to his sides. He sighed heavily, following the rest of his soldiers out of the clearing.

It was a three hour walk back to camp, and they were less then halfway there when the sun started to creep down below the line of trees, casting long shadows across their path.

Following the sun, the temperature dropped rapidly and even in their heavy sweaters and coats, the soldiers began shivering. Lee pulled a pair of gloves out of his pocket, and, ignoring the fact that his hands were still covered in blood, slid them on, and stuffed his freezing hands into his armpits.

“Damn, Jeff, it’s getting really bloody One or the other. Both is redundant. If it was up to me, I'd stick with "bloody." cold out,” Private Pryce said from behind him, still bearing the front of the stretcher.
“Tell me about it. They’d better have coffee or something waiting for us when we get back,” Lee said, slowing so that he could walk beside his friend.

“You know,” Pryce said good-naturedly, “When I joined, they told me I’d be in Hawaii, or Tahiti, not fucking Canada.”

“Yeah, I still can’t believe you actually joined.”

Pryce laughed, a tinny sound in the bitter cold. “You are never gonna let that go, are you? Two years, and you’re still going on about the fact that I volunteered. You sound like my mother.”

“Yeah, well someone has to.”

Another soldier appeared out of the gloom to Lee’s left. “Sergeant, do you think the Alliance is out there? In the forest, watching us?”

It was Private Evans, the man who had helped Lee with Ruiz. He was a nervous man, and was often taken with flights of fancy.

“No, Private, They’re probably just as cold and miserable as we are. I doubt that they would want to start something.”

“But sir, I heard from a guy in the 204th that the Alliance caught them in an ambush, just like this.”

Pryce rolled his eyes and looked past Lee at Evans. “You silly wanker, you’re always yammering about something or another, give it a rest already. And besides, you can’t believe anything anyone from the 204th says; they’re full of shit.”

Lee looked at Pryce, then back at Evans and shrugged. “There you have it.”

Evans looked at him, then at the forest nervously.

“Look, Evans, how 'bout you help the guys with the deer? I’m sure they’d be glad for the help.”

Evans nodded, and vanished back into the gloom.

Lee looked at Pryce. “Down boy.”

“Look,” Pryce said, “That guy gets on my nerves, and my feet hurt, and Ruiz here isn’t getting any lighter.”

“Well, look at the bright side,” Lee laughed tiredly, moving away from him, heading for the front of the column, “we’re almost there, only another hour or so.”

Pryce groaned.

The falling snow had picked up considerably, and after another two hours, Lee called a halt, and dropped to the snow, pulling out a map from his coat. He sat staring at it for several minutes, and finally stood, kicking snow angrily, glaring up at the falling snow.

“We lost, Serg?” Corporal Westman asked from where he was leaning against the deer, several feet away.

Lee looked at him darkly, “No, we aren’t lost; we’re just moving slower then shit in shinola. We’ve only gone seven miles. It’ll be another two hours at least until we’re back.”

All of the soldiers groaned collectively.

“Take another five minutes, and then we’d better get moving again.”

As if to drive the point home, Lee’s radio crackled to life. “Sergeant Lee, please update. We expected you back more than an hour ago.”

“Captain,” Lee said tiredly, clutching the radio with his frozen hands, “This snow is really slowing us down; we’re gonna be out here for awhile.”

“Understood, keep us posted. Find any way to speed up, if you can.” Captain Howell’s voice was filled with static from the cold, and Lee tilted his head towards the radio, to try and hear what he was saying. “Over and out.”

Lee walked over to where Ruiz’s body was resting. He grimaced and motioned to Pryce and Swanson. “Leave the body.”

“Sir?” Swanson asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise. Lee was not one to leave a comrade behind, be he dead or alive.

“Just do it.”

They nodded slowly, and gently pulled Ruiz’s frozen body off the stretcher, taking care to bury him under snow and whatever dirt they could chip off the frozen ground.

Lee let them rest five minutes longer then he said he would, then motioned to them. “Let’s go.”

The soldiers heaved themselves to their feet and resumed their course, knee deep in snow.

Um, don't they have two hours left to go? There's no transition. It's as though they start walking then right away notice a sign. Just a simple transitional sentence will solve this problem.

Out of the gloom, Lee saw a sign, sticking fifteen feet out of the snow. It read ‘Motel’. Lee whooped in delight and waved to a crouched figure atop the sign. The sniper, seeing Lee through his night vision scope, grinned, and flicked his flashlight off and on several times.

A collective sigh of relief emanated from the men behind Lee. “Thank God. We finally made it. I thought we would die out there.” His voice trailed off, remembering Ruiz.
Lee looked at his watch. It read 12:15. “Jesus,” he said under his breath, “we’ve been out there for nearly ten hours.”

Pryce pushed past him. “Yeah, well I can smell coffee, so move your ass.”

Lee let him by, and after making sure that his men were settled in, headed over to the main building, which had been designated as the command center. Inside, the room had been moved around, so that it centered around a table with a map on it, and a radio. This is phrased awkwardly. Change it to something like, "with a radio and map on it." There were several chairs along one wall, and Lee collapsed into one, rubbing his face exhaustedly.

Lieutenant Abney stalked up to him. “There’s no time to relax, Sergeant. You have a report to write.” With that, she spun on her heel and stormed away. He went limp, and groaned, muttering under his breath.

Captain Howell watched her go, from across the room, and then strolled over to Lee’s side. He noticed that Lee was starting to doze off, and nudged his shoulder. “That report can wait till later. Go get some sleep.”

Lee nodded slowly and stood. He saluted, and left the room. It was a short walk outside, and down the sidewalk to one of the rooms. He entered, stripped out of his sodden uniform, and collapsed on the bed.


Grammar

Every once in a while you'd be missing a comma, but it wasn't that bad. What was worse was you had a lot of commas that didn't need to be there. Something to help fix this is, read through your work out loud. Where a comma is there's a pause, generally, so you'll be able to see where they're missing or not needed.

Description

You had some good descriptions, but for the most part I found it lacking. You didn't build any suspense at the beginning, and we didn't start caring about character till the end. Also, you need more emotion. All we really know about Lee is that he's a sergeant and that he never leaves a man behind. How did this all make him feel? What was running through his head? Just because you're in third person doesn't mean you can't bring in thoughts, or that we can't get close to a character and really get to know them. It just sometimes makes it a little harder.

Overall

This is a pretty good piece. You had some grammar mistakes and you need more description, but a little tweaking and this could end up being a really nice piece. Keep writing.

loveness, ultraviolet
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Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:58 am
Lava says...



Hey Pros!

Here as requested. Sorry for being a little late.

Okay, so the start was good. I like the imagery but I have to agree with Fire. Avoid the adverbs.
All of the soldiers groaned collectively.
Maybe it's just me, but this bit doesn't seem realistic. It sort of breaks the flow.
And I agree with Rachel's "And a few things went unexplained--how they knew the people they were fighting were all dead/dying/fled, how they knew where they were going, etc. "

Okay, so it was pretty good. I like the start and the middle. The end was okay, for me. Could do with some work. I'm not sure why, but it just seems like it could do with work.
On characters, I would like a bit more description. Just so that, they are atleast sort-of formed in my head. And a other description as well.
Another soldier appeared out of the gloom to Lee’s left. “Sergeant, do you think the Alliance is out there? In the forest, watching us?”

It was Private Evans, the man who had helped Lee with Ruiz. He was a nervous man, and was often taken with flights of fancy.

“No, Private, They’re probably just as cold and miserable as we are; I doubt that they would want to start something.”

“But sir, I heard from a guy in the 204th that the Alliance caught them in an ambush, just like this.”

Pryce rolled his eyes and looked past Lee at Evans. “You silly wanker, you’re always yammering about something or another, give it a rest already. And besides, you can’t believe anything anyone from the 204th says, they’re full of shit.”

\This bit confused me. It took me twice to read thorugh to form an idea of what's happening. I would like you to give a little more detail as to what's going on. Vagueness is good, only in limited amount. So, try to add more description.

I shall take a look at the other chapters in a while.
Hope to've helped.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








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