Young Writers Society

So, this idea sort of came to me overnight. It doesn't really have any direction right now though, but we'll see where it goes! I can't promise any consistent updates to this, however, what with the lack of a solid plot and all.

But enough babbling.

Read, review, and enjoy the dancing elephant!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paragon
Prologue
>>***<<



A curious thing, the human mind. So much is known about it and yet so much is still vastly misunderstood. No two minds are ever the same, and yet all minds function in the same way.

So it stands to reason that, like the mind, the capacity for human potential is ever-changing and always growing. Mankind is constantly testing the limitations of both the imperfect body and the mysterious mind, their greedy fingers always groping for the elusive paragon of perfection.

Many will stand to argue that the essence of perfection is but the shattered fragments of an untouchable dream, a myth created to instill the desire for productivity but manufactured to forever be out of reach. Many more, however, blindly continue to pursue such mythical dreams, longing to grasp with aching hands that which constantly eludes them. It is this craving, this insatiable hunger to better themselves and reach a higher state of being that drives mankind to partake in drastic measures in order to achieve that evasive goal of perfection. It is this same desire, this unstoppable yet omnipresent force, that led to my creation.

To date, it has been nearly ten-thousand years since the fall of Old Earth and the human potential remains untapped. Their ingenuity is impressive, I'll admit, their will to survive surpassing even their desire for perfection and order. In this struggle for survival mankind has gone through massive change—superior technological and medical advancements, countless wars as political powers fought for control, and the colonization of new worlds in distant galaxies; all once viewed as the impractical visions of ancient science fiction novels I once read.

But now that they've rebuilt their empires and stabilized the raging chaos that consumed them, the fight for survival is obsolete. Now they once more pursue that elusive hope for absolute perfection. But, try as they might, mankind has never been able to fully unlock the unimaginable power of their own capabilities, and the mind's limits still remained undiscovered.

Undiscovered, that is, until now.

Born from the synthetic womb of a birthing tank, known until recently as one of mankind's most secretive of their mechanical creations, I was immediately different from the other experiments. Unbound by the physical and mental laws that kept human potential from ever expanding, I was the quintessence of perfection, the living and breathing symbol of what mankind had for several millennia only envisioned in dreams. I was created to live outside the human limitations, able to perform tasks that were otherwise viewed as impossible.

Never wavering, I was whatever I was needed to be, having no other purpose but to serve. I existed not for myself, yet I existed by myself—a "paragon of my kind," as Father often extolled of me. I was the quickest, the strongest, the most desirable. The best of something that had never previously existed; I was the embodiment of perfection. Pure, unrivaled, stoic perfection.

But, regrettably, I am flawed.

I feel when I should not, think without being given the necessary commands, act on impulses that should not exist. These are not the qualities of perfection—they are the infuriatingly irrational traits of the most imperfect creation ever to exist: human.

I seek indefinite release from this emotional Hell, and yet the Heavenly bliss that living offers is too much for me to resist. If this unreasonable and illogical turmoil of the mind is the immortal spirit of humanity then I want no part in it, and yet a part of me yearns for more of it. To feel more, think more, BE more!

How this horrible nightmare occurred remains a mystery to me, yet one thing is certain. No longer possessing the essence of perfection that I was once born with and no longer liberated from the limitations of free thought and a sense of identity, I was unable to serve Father as I was created to serve him. My termination was inevitable.

If it weren't for the foolish bravery of Sister, I would no longer exist. I would be, in the lesser terms of a human, dead.

Hmm, death.

It is...unusual, that this simple, once meaningless word now instills within me a sense of fear. My own willingness to live, I suppose, where at one time I was told that my sole purpose was to serve.

A constant battle rages within my head. The lines between what I perceive as human morality and the impassive personality of the automaton I had once known are muddled, but there are two sides within me now when once there was only one.

No longer the embodiment of perfection yet not entirely human, I remain a threat to Father as long as I am alive. With Sister at my side, a new experience for me, we are hunted by the CORE, fighting for our lives as we hide in the cities among Innocents—both human and machine, but never are they one being. And never will they be.

The CORE will not rest until I am terminated, the threat eradicated. But my continued survival has not hindered their experiments, and they continue to play with the giving power of life, still pursuing the elusive desire for unbound, limitless perfection. It has fallen on my unfortunate shoulders, as my new sense of human morality tells me, to take up arms and put an end to this diabolical power-play.

I am alone in this fight to survive, however, this struggle to exist and to understand the purpose of my new-found life.

In mankind's pursuit of perfection, I was created. In my creation, a human conscience was born. Because of my birth, I am now hunted. But in this hunt, I do that which I was created to do. What I am best at.

Here in the time of New Earth, I am perfect.

I am flawed.

I am the tragic blend of both human and machine, forced to live and survive as one sentient being.

I am Paragon, and this is my story.

Hi firefly882,
I really like this and I can't wait to read more.
I can't wait to find out more about Paragon and what is happening to her.
There aren't any mistakes as fr as I'm aware but then again I think you should re-read this post just in case you see something that you can make better.
I like the way that the end few lines create a kind of cliff hanger that makes the reader want to read on.
Can you pm me when you post the next chapter?
midnightread

Hello there.

To be honest, this really didn't draw me in to your story. It rambles quite a lot on a philosophical question and giving exposition all the while. We're given almost nothing on the character himself aside from informed traits, and if these informed traits aren't shown later on you'll get a lot of flak for it. That's just one example of a very big problem with this piece: it's all telling. Along with the risk of contradicting established traits we really don't get a good feel for your story. You're dealing with the pretty common motif of a created intelligence trying to achieve human perfection, but because you're only telling us things I can only see the cliches and repeated themes. And, I'm not sure if you were trying for this effect or not, but the entire piece sounds monotone and heartless.

I think it would be a good idea if you showed us things instead. What effect does this intelligence have on society? How has being that intelligence affected your main character? Is there another way you can show us this without a long internal monologue, which is exactly what this prologue is coming off as? Also ask yourself, "What makes my story different from all the other similar stories? What new thing does my story bring to the table that I can show to my readers early on?"

As far as technical aspects go I didn't have any grammatical or syntax errors jumping out at me. Ignoring the issues mentioned above, it was a very smooth read. But, like Midnight, I suggest rereading in case there was something missed.

Overall just make sure you're bringing something interesting for your audience so they want to read your book, as well as to show who your character is and what the world is like. You're welcome to PM if you have any questions or comments.

--Dover

I tend to advocate against prologues, mainly because the majority of them are superfluous and kind of dull. This prologue is not particularly an exception to that rule. The first half of it reads something like an essay or an article rather than a narrative. It's also not really introducing us to any new ideas about humanity or perfection -- it's not giving me anything new and, more importantly, it's not giving me anything to sink my teeth into. It also gets a tad bit self-indulgent.

I would recommend completely getting rid of your prologue, except perhaps as a reference point for your notes about this story. There are far better, neater ways to slip everything in the prologue into the actual story. Most of this is extraneous, an introduction to what I imagine might be some of the thematic overtures of the story. You're basically showing all your theme-cards in one go. Instead of telling us from the get-go, "This is what the story's all about!", find a way to slip this idea into the actual narrative. So, find ways to create scenes or situations that deal with the theme of perfection. Think of films you've watched or books you've read or tv shows you've seen that deal with this. For the most part, they don't have a character that stands at us and elaborates on the story's deeper meaning; they show it through conflicts, conversations, archetypes, and specific scenarios.

You should also seriously consider where your story starts off, and begin it there. What you've given us is backstory, which is helpful and occasionally even vital, but can easily be slipped into the story at other points. What is the conflict of your story? Find a point near the beginning of said conflict (and it doesn't have to be wayyy in the beginning, like when the character is created), a point that will take the readers into the action but also a point where they can find their bearings fairly easily, and start the story there. Maybe it's when the CORE finally catches up to them and takes his sister, maybe it's when he loses track of her -- I obviously don't know where your story is going, but you hopefully do. Figure out where the action is and start us there, instead of where we are right now in this prologue. Again, all of the details that you've dealt with in this chapter can easily be snuck into the story.

If you have any questions / need me to specify further, send me a PM. Good luck writing.

The other reviewers have pretty much said everything I was going to say about this piece. So I'm just going to give my opinions on it. At the beginning, I actually liked the philosophical angle you took. The first two paragraphs I thought were interesting. But then you just went on and on about the perfection humans desire and other things that would be best suited for a college essay. So my suggestion is to either skip the prolouge like smaur said, or cut down on it drastically.

Something you'll have to also consider is the way Paragon views the world. It seems so far that he looks at it very objectively and with no emotion. While this could be interesting from a movie perspective, the first person perspective severely limits what you can do with this. Will Paragon always ramble about the meaning of life and his own fate? Third-person might be a better way to present this story. That way, you can delve into Paragon's mind if you want to, but also be able to tell the readers what is actually happening. This man/robot/thing seems like a very interesting creature, and I do want to know more about him. Just switch off his philosophical button before that.

I really like this beginning, prologue or not. It was really good. The philosophical take on it was amazing, but then again, I'm into philosophy. With that said, I think it really depends on the reader on whether or not they like the prologue, but hopefully, it will get them hooked. Paragon seems like a very interesting mind, seeing as he is both human and machine, and the way he thinks does have an interesting touch, but not all the time. It may be better to keep the meaning of life talk to minimum, and if the story is about Paragon finding the meaning of life, have him show the reader, not tell the reader what the meaning is. Other than that, I really, really like it!