Young Writers Society

Chapter one
A low rumbling in the distance brought Squall Leonharts green piercing eyes to the eastern sky.
The clouds were a ghostly grey and threating to spill rain at any moment, perhaps he should head back to the school. He attended Balamb, a school set up to protect Centra. He had been attending there since he was ten. He got up to leave when a voice called to him.
"Hey."
Squall rolled his eyes, "Damn it."
He turned to face his intruder, it was siefer sure enough. Siefer was Squalls only rival and had tormented since he had come to the school.
"What do you want siefer?"
Seifer smiled a cocky grin, "Just to train, How bout it?''
"No thanks. I should be getting back and besides you fight dirty."
"Or it could be your just a chicken."
Squall knew he was trying to intimadate him and it was beggining to work.
He drew his gunblade and glared at seifer who began to remove his gunblade. Smiling Siefer charged Squall. Once thier swords met with a clash, lighting split the sky and the heavens opened up spilling rain onto the earth. They backed off and charged again, cutting and slashing, and dodging. Squall reached up to wipe sweat from his brow and realized he should use his fire magic, but that didnt work out to well, seifer was quicker and attacked squall. Squall fell to the ground and before he could get up seifer attacked again. A searing pain crossed his face and he slashed again in anger once siefer fell he passed out.

YOU WROTE:

The clouds were a ghostly grey and threating to spill rain at any moment, perhaps he should head back to the school. He attended Balamb, a school set up to protect Centra. He had been attending there since he was ten. He got up to leave when a voice called to him.

IN MY OPINION, you should make a new sentence or paragraph at perhaps. Then use a ; when you get to "He had been attending there since he was ten.

siefer should be capitalized.

He drew his gunblade and glared at seifer who began to remove his gunblade. Smiling Siefer charged Squall. Once thier swords met with a clash, lighting split the sky and the heavens opened up spilling rain onto the earth. They backed off and charged again, cutting and slashing, and dodging.
NEW PARAGRAPH:

Squall reached up to wipe sweat from his brow and realized he should use his fire magic, but that didnt work out to well, seifer was quicker and attacked squall. Squall fell to the ground and before he could get up seifer attacked again. A searing pain crossed his face and he slashed again in anger once siefer fell he passed out.

IT'S LIKE YOU ARE RUSHING WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE FIRST CHAPTER...I would make it longer and put in more detail while they are fighting. I think it is a good start though. Can't wait to read more.

Well I sorta ran out of time i was working on this in school.

I figured so. Tell me when you have posted the next chapter like on a pm or something.

Does this have anything to do with the game? Because if it does: then ... well I don't know...

I would choose a new title if it has nothign to do with the game or whatever... It tricks people.

Pretty good though.

It totally does! Squall Lionheart and Seifer are from Final Fantasy VIII....

I thought the action was a bit choppy, but overall it looked good to me.