Young Writers Society

*Yawns* Its 04:23 here and I am still on my computer, when I was aiming to go to bed at around 23:30 last night. I figured out that I do my best works when writing prologues for my writing; so I decided to do it for one of my better “Out of hours” works. Inspiration to make it a phone conversation/message came from a dream I just had. It was about how the world is so advanced now that we are basically living in one big system. (Sort of like the Matrix but totally different and totally alike). It takes more than simple thinking to realise how much of a system we are in, it is kind of like an epiphany.

Anyway here is the prologue to S.N.I.P.E.Rs

*The sounds of a phone ringing, and then being answered by a machine, is heard.*

Who are you?

One of the most over used questions in this world. Unfortunately we cannot answer that question; not because we don’t know but because you could just be waiting to hear those words from us; what words you don't know but they do.

We could be somebody you brush by in the streets today, that old person in the retirement home, we could be the most well known celebrity or lowest criminal. The important thing is we could be anyone anywhere at any time; that is why we are hunted.

This phone line is most likely tapped like all the others but I can tell you this:

Humans have always had the base instincts that cause us to evolve and kill, it is what makes us human; however many men and countries want more.

Nowadays, scientists and many other people see life as a complex maths equation; we are an enigma in that equation that results in it becoming unbalanced. I have seen some of us who accidently push a glass off a table when our hands don’t quite meet it, to one of us altering their physical appearance with just a thought.

Right now you are asking the same question; that is good...it shows initiative so I will tell you.

I am a S.N.I.P.E.R.

We are hunted by anyone and everyone except each other. If you want to know, more you will need to meet with me.

Don’t worry, you already know where I will be.

*The line dies and the beeping sound from leaving a phone off the receiver kicks in.*

Wow. That is a really unique way to write a prologue. Great job! That would be so creepy to listen to that on the phone. Anyways, I found a nitpick or two:

Nowadays scientists and many other people see life as a complex maths equation

You put a comma after "Nowadays".

If you want to know more you will need to meet with me.

Don’t worry you already know where I will be.

Put commas after the first "know" and after "worry".

*The sounds of a phone ringing and then being answered by a machine, or other device, is heard.*

I didn't really understand the part in red. Could you clarify it a litte?

Overall, though, I think this is really cool. If you write more of this, please PM me!
~Earthfire

Hey Stealth_Slicer,

*The sounds of a phone ringing, and then being answered by a machine, is heard.*

You realise this is fiction, not a film script, right? Because the opening line sounds like direction for a scene at the beginning of a movie. It's also very very similar to the Matrix, the concept of phones. Considering you already mention this is like the Matrix in your A/N, I would be wary of taking too similar themes. Anyway, back to the movie thing -- this didn't really work in fiction. Who is hearing this? I think you've confused a film audience with a reading audience. In a film, this sort of ambiguity would work, because we'd be shown some sort of images on the screen, something else to focus on. But in a story, all we have are the words, what you show us. We have to take form that and build an image in our heads. With this, it doesn't work. I think you could possibly write "A phone rings. It beeps as the answer machine kicks in." or something similar. But what you have right now is something for a film script, not a story.

Same for the last line.

On the prologue as I whole, I think it's quite intriguing. But I also question whether it's strictly necessary -- couldn't this information be slowly shown to us in the main narrative, rather than dumped at the beginning by an ambiguous speaker?

Good luck.

You talk like this is the first time I have written hehe.

(1) As for the Matrix that was what I compared my dream to and is in no way related to this in any way; I was merely comparing my dream to the Matrix this is unrelated. (Gosh dose everything I write have something people jump to?).

(2) I do know what I am writing thank you very much. I have just seen little directions like that before used by others on different sites, and thought I would use them to see how people reacted; evidently it was negative and so I won’t use that idea again. Also I work in the acting industry; I know what directions are used in and for.

(3) I agree it is a bit of an info dump but I found it had more of the mysterious feel in this style than in any of the others I could pull out of my head at 4am. I guess I may take another look at it some sime soon.

In my head I can see this as a piece of writing and not a script; I guess that is because I am so used to seeing both scripts and writing. I think it was the directions that tilted your view of it.

All the best:
Stealth

Sorry I didn't sugarcoat my opinions -- if you place an item of work up for review, the reviewer is bound to speak their mind. I didn't in any way suggest this was the first time you've ever written, but even if it's not, we've all got a lot to learn.

(1) I stick by my contention the phone ringing thing is very akin to the Matrix. Why mention the Matrix in your A/N if it's not like it all then?

(2) It's only been negative from me; perhaps others will like it. I'm not pretending my opinion is what works, but I'm giving it freely. Take it or leave it as you feel.

(3) It is mysterious, but I think it takes a bit of a mystery away from the overall story. I think it would be cool if you could keep the mystery over a longer period of time, rather than spoil us early on and play all your cards too early.

Just my two pennies.