Young Writers Society

Hi! Well, this is a new story I wrote and wanted to get some critiques so rip it apart! I appreciate any suggestions for the title, thanks! Oh, and I know this is pretty short, I plan to extend it a bit. Also, notice I typed this up real fast fo it stinks anyway. ; )

Chapter One
Cora
I peered through the telescope, tapping the zoom button and the planets suddenly were right in front of me. The telescope was great, a good choice for a present on my dad's part.
That's when something caught my eye, I zoomed in closer on my telescope. It was some sort of flying machine. It had lights all around it, shooting rays of different colors. It span as it got closer and closer. My dad studied U.F.O.'s. He had shared all his theories and thoughts with me and a spaceship was the first thing that came to mind
" Dad! Dad, come out here! Dad!" I screeched into the house. My father raced out, his glasses bouncing about on his nose, a kitchen towel in his hand.
" What is it Cora?" he asked, stopping by my side and sliding his glasses up his nose so he could see better.
I pointed to the telescope, "I saw a U.F.O.!" My father's bright blue eyes widened, you see, you could call him a nerd. He was all into the science stuff and I guess I had taken after him.
He handed me his glasses and peered into the scope. I watched as he pressed the zoom button over and over. He backed away from the telescope and I handed him back his glasses.
" By golly, Cora. I think you did!" he exclaimed, his face lighting up in excitement. His feet pounded heavy on the wood porch and into the house.
" Darling, come here! Cora's found a U.F.O.!" My father exclaimed, calling my mom to come and see. But instead of my mom my older brother, Derek came out.
" Sweet, Lemme see!" Derek shouted, sprinting to my telescope and smashing his face against it. I watched as my dad babbled about my discovery to my mom as she listened intently.
"Dude! Holy crap! What is that?" Derek asked. My dad came over and patted him on the shoulder.
" I told you a U.F.O." I said proudly. His mouth fell open. He slipped his cell phone out of his back pocket and dialed a number.
" Dude, aliens are taking over!" He spoke into the phone, probably telling his friends. Derek walked back into the house.
My dad was calling somebody,too. He spoke rapidly into the phone, pacing back and forth. I looked back into the scope, and gulped. It was so close.
"Guys it's getting closer!" I yelled at my parents. My dad, still on the phone, came by my side. Almost pushing me aside to look into my telescope.
" Cora?" He said, his eyes still glued to the telescope.
" Yes?" I replied softly. He looked at me and then to my mother.
" Get inside the house." He said, staring at me intently. He was dead serious. Before I could go back inside a loud boom rang in my ears and shook the house. I fell to my knees and cried out in surprise.
Derek came back out, screeching wildly into the phone. The lights were closer now. I covered my ears with my hands and screamed with the rest of my family.
I glanced behind me, the machine landed in our yard. Police sirens rang through the streets. My dad crawled over to me and put his arm over my shoulder.
" Get in the basement, the invasion had began."

Hey. This had an interesting plot, and you seemed to pull it off well, I guess I just had a few problems with the basic structure of the story. First off, every once in a while, you don't use necessary punctuation.

" I told you a U.F.O."

There should be a comma in between You and A. You do this a couple of times throughout the story. Also, the narration seems very strange to me. A narration is supposed to be very articulate, even if it's from first-person. For instance,

He was all into the science stuff

this is not something a narration would say. Just a little tip. The only other problem I can find is with the very end.

He looked at me with wild eyes, "The invasion has began."

I think you mean begun at this point. So, nice job, and keep writing!

Thank you. And yes, I haven't been working extremely hard on this one and I'll try and edit this when I can.

Thanks again!

- Jessica

Hey Dawn Repetition in green, if there is any, comments in bold. I've noticed that you haven't spaced out your story for the sake of the readers on YWS, so I've done if for you. It's much easier to read like this.

jDawn wrote:I peered through the telescope, tapping the zoom button and the planets suddenly were right in front of me. That's when I saw it, the blinding light and something zooming towards us at the speed of light. Quick fact, the speed of light is 3x10^8m/s. If something is travelling the speed of light, that would mean that you would see it as fast as you see light. ie, you wouldn't be able to see it, lol. Also, "That's when I saw it" sounds awful

I zoomed in closer on my telescope. It was some sort of flying machine. It had lights all around it, shooting rays of different colors. It span as it got closer and closer. I gasped, it was a U.F.O. Your main character came to that conclusion pretty fast...

" Dad! Dad, come out here! Dad!" I don't know why your speech consists of a space before the beginning quotation marks, but it's supposed to be, "Dad! Dad, come out here! Dad!" ie, get rid of the random spaces after the "s.I screeched into the house. My father raced out, his glasses bouncing about on his nose, a kitchen towel in his hand.

" What is it Cora?" He asked, stopping by my side and sliding his glasses up his nose so he could see better.

I pointed to the telescope, "I saw a U.F.O.!" That looks really awkward. You can just write "UFO" without the periods. My father's bright blue eyes widened, you see, you could call him a nerd. That drawn parallel made no sense. He was all into the science stuff and I guess I had taken after him. That's not very descriptive.

He handed me his glasses and peered into the scope. I watched as he pressed the zoom button over and over. He backed away from the telescope and I handed him back his glasses.

" By golly, Cora. I think you did." He exclaimed, his face lighting up in excitement. His feet pounded heavy on the wood porch and into the house. If the UFO was speeding to the earth at the speed of light, why would Cora's dad be able to see the UFO straight through the telescope when the UFO would have moved?

" Darling, come here! Cora's found a U.F.O.!" My father exclaimed, calling my mom to come and see. But instead of my mom my older brother, Derek came out. I don't understand, why wouldn't they just assume it was human aircraft?

" Sweet, Lemme see!" Shouldn't be capitalized. He shouted, sprinting to my telescope and smashing his face against it. I watched as my dad babbled about my discovery to my mom as she listened intently.

"Dude! Holy crap! What is that?" Derek asked. My dad came over and patted him on the shoulder.

" I told you a U.F.O." I said proudly. His mouth fell open. He slipped his cell phone out of his back pocket and dialed a number.

" Dude, aliens are taking over!" He spoke into the phone, probably telling his friends. Derek walked back into the house.

My dad was calling somebody,too. He spoke rapidly into the phone, pacing back and forth. I looked back into the scope, and gulped. It was so close.

"Guys it's getting closer!" I yelled at my parents. My dad, still on the phone, came by my side. Almost pushing me aside to look into my telescope.

" Cora?" He said, his eyes still glued to the telescope.

" Yes?" I replied softly. He looked at me and then to my mother.

" Get inside the house." He said, staring at me intently. He was dead serious. Before I could go back inside a loud boom rang in my ears and shook the house. I fell to my knees and cried out in surprise.

Derek came back out, screeching wildly into the phone. The lights were closer now. I covered my ears with my hands and screamed with the rest of my family. I glanced behind me, the machine landed in our yard. Police sirens rang through the streets. My dad crawled over to me and put his arm over my shoulder. I've made these sentences into a paragraph, as it flows better this way.

He looked at me with wild eyes, "The invasion has began begun."

Well, this is the beginning to a novel, and I can see how it could progress into a really decent story. You need to develop your characters more, and do a fair bit more research. Don't say something goes the speed of light when vehicles can't travel the speed of light, they just can't. Write more descriptions; we know nothing about what your characters look like, where they are, their ages.

Everything happens too fast. Cora spots a UFO --> Tells her family --> Brother and father ring people --> BOOM and immediate police sirens --> The invasion has "began".

You really need to work on this to make it more readable. Good luck.

- Jai

I peered through the telescope, tapping the zoom button and the planets suddenly were right in front of me.

She must be rich, because that's an expensive telescope, considering telescopes are expensive period.

That's when I saw it, the blinding light and something zooming towards us at the speed of light.

If it went that fast, she would be able to see it. Speed of light is 299,792,458 miles per second.

. It had lights all around it, shooting rays of different colors. It span as it got closer and closer. I gasped, it was a U.F.O.

Could be a military airplane. Elaborate why she thinks it's a UFO other than the lights.

" What is it Cora?" He asked,

Lower case h on he.

He looked at me with wild eyes, "The invasion has began."

How do they know the invasion has begun. They could be here for only a friendly business. Does the spacecraft have weapons? Is there a lot of them?

Overall: I don't think it's not that great. You are terribly undescriptive, and alien invasion has sort of gotten cliche. The entire story can use description, explain things: Is it a cold or warm night? Was the spacecraft big or small? What made her think it was a spacecraft and not a plane, because a lot of alien ship sightings is mis-identification. Also, your grammar sucks. Maybe Google some grammar rules, learn up on them, or come into the chat and ask someone. Anyways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

Alrighty then. Thanks for the review! ; ) I haven't got a chance to edit much and yep, my grammar sucks. : D
And yeah about the expensive telescope, it's much later into the future and a lot of people have them.
: )

- Jessica

Hi jDawn! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll review this today.

Okay, so the other reviewers seem to have gotten most of the critiquing points. I'll just comment on what I noticed. One, there is a lot, and I mean a lot, of repetition. This makes for mundane reading, almost to the point of annoyance. I suggest finding different ways to convey whats happening instead of using the same 15 or 20 words. xD Also, you say that it's vastly in the future. You might want to communicate this better in the actual chapter, as it is...not touched upon at all. Also, research. Like Lethero said, the speed of light is astronomically (haha!) fast, and would then render said UFO invisible. Also, what makes her think it's a UFO? It's all so sudden. And in the end, how do they know that it's an invasion? I think you move way too fast in this, and jump the gun rather than savor what could be a decent, if not original, first chapter.

I hope this helped!

Sporky

Thanks!