Young Writers Society

~ Deleted from existence ~

Hey, Kyou!

I liked the beginning of this, it set out the story pretty well but if I'm honest you lost me in the last two paragraphs. You went into explanation over-drive when really you should've mentioned things like:
what happened here?
why is the woman bleeding?
how many are dead?
who does your character work for?
-things like that.

Anyway, like I said the beginning was really good and I hope you can go back and make some changes so that the end is just as good too. I hope I've managed to help

*coco

Thanks a lot for your post Coco =) I've looked at it and changed it, even made it longer. Those things you mentioned I should explain, I thought of explaining it all as the story goes.

Hey Kyousuke! SporkPunk here to review as requested.
Before I begin, I'll explain how my reviews work. I begin with grammar, and then move on to plot, and then give an overall summation of my points. So, here goes.

Grammar, wording'n'things:
I'm not going to completely pick your piece apart, though I am going to point out some of the larger errors, and a couple nitpicks.

she looked like her soul was stuck between real world and what comes after.

First off, I really like this line. : )

She didn’t even twitch after hearing my words, one would think she already breathed out,

I think in this part, you should switch "breathed out" to "bled out." Since she's bleeding profusely in this scene, and breathing out doesn't make much sense.

Those distant eyes still sparkled with life,

Here, I think this should possibly be changed. Distant, near-dead eyes are fairly dull. If you want to communicate that she still has life in her eyes, I suggest "Those distant eyes sparked faintly with life." Or something to that effect. Otherwise, the image we get here is conflicting.

After all, there must have been a story between her and many dead bodies

I didn't understand this line at first. For some reason, my first thought was that you meant there was a floor between her and the bodies. Which makes no sense. Then I understood. So, if other readers get confused, maybe think about changing the wording. But right now, it's fine as it is. : ) (It could be that I just...wasn't thinking.)

her breathing – even small – was still present.

For this part, changing "small" to "shallow" would make this sentence much more powerful.

she felt nostalgic to me, a poor soul thrown away by a government, which saw soldiers like pawns.

I don't quite think "nostalgic" is the right word. Maybe you could explain how your MC felt a certain connection--maybe your MC was thrown away by his government as well, after he'd caused the failure.

I couldn’t help but to smile, thinking to myself that maybe, maybe I found a good reason to struggle for another day of my stressful life.

Aww. I like this ending for some reason.

Plot:
Okay, so I'm not sure at all what your title has to do with this story--though I'm assuming that will come into play a bit later. So no worries. Just keep that in mind--somehow tying your title to the story, even if the tie isn't obvious.

Your MC, who I believe is unnamed, is an interesting one. He states that he is/was a lab experiment. You could play that up to no end in a sci-fi tale. His personality could be more cold and robotic, perhaps, or maybe he's had some sort of body modification. Like...some sort of camera implanted in one or both of his eyes, some sort of hardware port in his skull, or maybe, since you mentioned his killing specialty, maybe he was an experiment in a new kind of "software" for the soldiers, to make them faster, stronger, etc. The possibilities are endless. You need to be careful to not make him a Gary Stu, though. Nobody wants to read about an invincible hero guy who is also perfect. Maybe a flaw could be that he struggles to maintain any semblance of humanity?

The female character is also interesting, I can't wait to find out what her story is. I'm not going to suggest anything here. xD

Also, I can't really size up the rest of the plot just yet, but I am very excited about how it will turn out.

Overall:

Overall, I really liked this. The plot hasn't been revealed yet, only little jabs as to what COULD be. I like that in first chapters. (I hate it when authors jump the gun and feel like they have to tell you EVERYTHING immediately.)
The grammar, of course, could use a teeny bit of work, but very careful proofreading should help that, I think.

So, keep writing, and PM me if you have questions on anything I've written here. Also, PM me if you post any other parts of this. And, if you ever need another critique, stop by my thread or just PM me. I'd be more than happy to help!

~Sporks

Hey there Kyou!

Here to you-know-it.

Seeing that SporkPunk has pretty much covered up those grammatical mistakes, I'm not going to get picky with it anymore.

After finishing bandaging her, I stood up and walked outside the room, leaving her life in her own hands.

This is just a small thing, but since the storyline's in past form then I suggest that you also imply it here. So how about saying: " After I swathed her in a bandage, I stood up..." <<-- Though you can actually just ignore that, it's just a suggestion really.

I crouched and took off a PDA out of her vest just to crush it and leave no tracks behind.

Should that be 'left'? Or you just meant to say "...crush it to leave no tracks behind." ?

~

Okay. I actually find your main character's tone in a bit dark and stern. And most importantly, you've manage to remain in at constant. Also, your character's identity is quite mysterious but I hope that you wouldn't do that until the end of your novel, because you might probably make your redears confused, especially it's in a first person point of view.

In addition, the deep thoughts creating your character's mind actually impressed me. You informed us a bit of the place, the crucial moment at that time and many more. In my perspective, I think you should put in more some descriptions. It's because you haven't portrayed us more of his surroundings. Yes there's a particular woman whom your character focuses on, and alongside with that, there are dead bodies too. But you could've been more specific like the looks of the dead people, the room- is it dark, dirty or what? Just simple things like that and that could add up into your reader's imagination. Your imageries interest me and so with how your character narrate here. Good choice of vocabulary you have too.

Overall:

Kicking aside those comments, I thank you again for the good read, Kyou. What I like of your style is that you make me intrigue all the time, especially that you've used good effects to attract the attention of your readers. Hope I helped. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

My sincere thanks =) I've looked up those grammar mistakes and definitely will try not to repeat them, I think in different language than I write, so it's a bit tough writing it all correctly in terms of grammar.

Your opinions gave me a lot to think about, thanks ^^ Going to take it all in consideration, mix it with my thoughts and finish the 1st chapter with 2nd part.

Have a nice day!
Kyou

If you think the words sound cliche, then change them.

“If this is the best you can do, seems like you were abandoned even before you arrived.”

I have read this line several times and it still seems odd. Try rewording the part after the comma because that's where it seems weird to me.

Those words escaped my lips as I was firmly bandaging one woman’s bullet wounds.

Just a quick question: does she just have one bullet wound or multiple? The way you make it sound, she was shot several times, but I think you might mean that she was shot once.

Her Spec Ops clothes were getting soaked in blood so quick I was afraid I’d not stop her bleeding in time.

I think "I didn't" sounds better here.

Leaned Leaning against a dirty wall of a room located in one of many buildings,

Leaning sounds much better here.

reminding something.

Remembering is better.

yet real rules of jungle.

S on rule.

hide from the greedy grasp of one of the governments,

S on governments.

If you think you have nothing to live for, live for me.

Odd thing to ask from a complete stranger.

Overall: Interesting, but not great. Your story needs a little more meat on it. Try adding more description to it: tell us what the place he is in looks like, maybe even describe the woman even more. Other than that this story seems fine. If you need help or a review, feel free to PM on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf