Young Writers Society

As the old man sat there, his eyes widened as it all came back to him.

Christopher Erin McDermot lay on his stomach, a pillow under his crossed arms proppped up his chin as he glanced over the clustered and busy piece of paper. His orders. The formation of Joker Squad. Would this be his last team? He'd already lost two others to this damned war. He wanted out. But he had re-upped months ago for at least four years.

Between his sworn 'sentence' (that was what he now called his enlisted time) and any war time extensions, he was convinced that it would be a long time before he saw the end of this war.

He looked around at the grayish room surrounding him. There was a cluster of his bags beside his bed, apart from that there were four bunkbeds, one of them occupied by an older man in civilian dress (sleeping beneath a maroon ball cap) a few storage chests, a desk, and a long narrow window revealing the star filled depths of space.

A frightnening ring erupted from the small black phone on the desk. Christopher rolled off the bed, in the blink of an eye he had drawn what he called his desert dagger, a nicely crafted knife he had once come across on a hot, desertish world. He quickly looked over to the man on the bed to see if he had noticed his extreme paranoid, then he shook his head as he sheathed his knife. He sighed. They had drawn him out of the Hot Zone way too fast, he thought. Twelve hours ago he was being shot at and his comrades, members of the 22nd Infantry Garrison that he had been stationed with, were being devastated by the enemy force.
Explosions, mists of blood wetting his face, dying men's last wishes, gun shots and chaos. He tried to hold back an invountary shutter before answering the phone but he failed. "Hello?" He asked.
"Honey, is that you?" It was a sweet but sad sounding voice, the voice of his Australian mother, millions of miles away on the thirteenth replica of Earth.

"Yea, it's me. How is everybody?" He asked

"Everyone's good, your father's getting better, A lot of people ask about you Chris. Do you know when your next leave is? I just got a contact address in the mail because they said your old one was cancelled."

"Yea, they're moving me, part of a new squad, I dont know what more I'm allowed to say. They pulled me out of a skirmish earlier but i can't say where, It's probably still going on and you know the about the Press. My next leave, uh...pretty soon, maybe a few weeks or a month nopefuly." As he said this he had to frown, he knew it was a lie. With the shortage of men he doubted he'd get his leave when it was due.

"Well, the times running out on here, this address expires in a few minutes. I love you Chris. Your fathers in town, picking up some new stocks for the farm. I wish he'd been here to talk to you. I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you."

"I love you too mum, tell everyone i said hello okay. Tell dad I love him. I miss you guys. It's beepin on my end though so i gotta go. I love you." He said as the phone beeped louder. Then it stopped and the line was dead. he hung it up on the cradle as the door drew his attention. He turned around slowly to see two men standing in the doorway, one in loose black clothing, the other in a newer, popular, outfit. They both carried big green, military issued bags.

Bad: This may just be me, but i find using brackets to add detail is like saying "here's some extra information you might as well know but I don't see as important enough to make part of the story". Try to work that extra detail into the story.

Between his sworn 'sentence' (that was what he now called his enlisted time) and any war time extensions

The above is not to bad. The information is something that isn't important and is really just off to the side.

one of them occupied by an older man in civilian dress (sleeping beneath a maroon ball cap) a few storage chests

That on the other hand could be worked in if it has any relevance, if you can't think of a reason why we or you would want to keep that information in mind, maybe just leave it out.

Good: Absolutely wonderful! The main character is well defined, even in so little text we alreayd have a feel of who he is and what he does. The detail overall is great, making it much easier and enjoyable to read. The plot is uncertain but definite, we can already see where it's going even if we can't tell exactly what to expect. It's great and I salute you. *hugs* Good work! Waiting to see more of this one.

dude, this story rocks!!! there were a few minor grammar mistakes, here is one that particularly bothered me

" He quickly looked over to the man on the bed to see if he had noticed his extreme paranoid" i think instead of paranoid it should be paranoia

" He quickly looked over to the man on the bed to see if he had noticed his extreme paranoia"

over all it is a really good start; he must have been a really good soldier to have survived that long, allot of times when the platoon or squad is all killed the person down in the fight commanding the platoon or squad is usually killed in the books and stuff i read. Keep writing so far it rocks

dude, its not over, hes gonna post more too it, he is probably posting it as he is weriting it.

Thanx ill post the next when i can and i already have lots of plans for this story so, yeah, talk to you all later
~Torpid

It was late when i wrote it so crit lots, i think it could be better but im tired so, its your turn now


The three men swapped looks at eachother, then the man in the maroon ball cap sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He was older than the others, sported a few days worth of gray stuble on his chin and for his age, was very well built. He was lean and muscular and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Well," He said in a hoarse voice, "This is the part where i give a short but sweet speech on how we're all a new team and that its going to be great serving with you right? It's not gunna happen. For different reasons, we've come together to make Joker squad, and in eight hours were loading up on a shuttle on a trip to Zenich. Don't tell anyone, it's a secret. Got it? Now, i planned for a little workout in the gym, an exercise to feel eachother out so-"

The man in the newer clothes, who Chris presumed to be Jeff, their sniper, suddenly shouted, "SHIT! FLOOR NOW!" as he grabbed the man in black and pulled him to the ground. Without question Chris dove from the bed onto the ground and the Captain did the same. A fraction of a second later, the floor shook. The ceiling shook, the beds shook, all Wyvern Battle Facility shook.

Captain Malakai was on his feet first, standing amidst the swirling cloud of dust. The rest of his team quickly followed suit. As they peered out the window, they could make out a small cluster of enemy ships coming out of a 'jump', heading directly for the space station. One of the faster ones was already close enough to board.

They were all special operatives, they were all 'good soldiers', but they had no weapons. Banzai was the first one out of the room, followed by the marksman, Jefferey, Christopher, and then Captain Malakai. The passageways were frantic, overhead the revolving red danger lights were quickly turning and soldiers were hurrying in every direction. There was a loud series of small explosions, emitting from far down the hall and followed by a painful scream.

Banzai took up point as the crowd began to move together, away from the explosions and yells of terror. Strategically, they all moved, armed soldiers brining up the rear and repelling any attacks from the enemy. Minutes later, Malakai pushed his soldiers into a seperate, smaller passage, littered with a number of supply boxes and equipment. They rummaged through a few, overturning most until they found what they needed. Jefferey distributed the pistols to his fellow operatives, along with two spare clips each. They'd have to find better weapons later.

Feeling somewhat more secure, they tactically trotted through a labryinth of maitenance areas until at last they came to the deck. They entered along the balcony and to their surprise found two Borngers hunched over the rail, firing away into the mass below them.

Borngers were hairy brutes, less powerful than their eight foot minotaur like allies, the Spittflax, but still physically superior to humans, they were the enemy. Joker Squad disposed of them accordingly, a bullet in the head for each.
Then the soldiers shuffled out onto the balcony, jumping over any obstacles, whether it be either debris or a body. Jefferey picked up one of the Bornger's rifles, as did Malakai while Banzai and Christopher found a few soldiers that no longer needed there weapons.

After gearing up on a few necessities, the squad looked over the rail. Below them, there was a bloody battle raging between the Earthly Defense Militia, the Navy, a few Marines, and some alien allies, which included the Grivvens (who resembled angelic humans). They were all firing at the sturdy ranks of the Borngers, Spittflax, and Zenichs.

The good guys aren't doing so hot, Chris thought. Jefferey was squeezing off shots, every time taking the heavy recoil that the Bornger rifle was inflicting upon him. Malakai was also peering through his scope but instead had his rifle aimed at the human's side of the conflict, hechecking there numbers, position, and status. Looking up from his scope he said, "We've got a place down there, so let's hustle,"

And then he sped off, followed by his team.

dude, this get better and better, keep it going. it really really is good.

Cool.
Nicely written Torpid, Im especially impressed with the length; all your other stories were much shorter. Good work, man. Keep it up.

Well i wrote like a lot of freakin crap yesterday but this site expired or something and i lost it all so i guess i'll just be starting over....

Well, please give all comments, any comments really, i rewrote most of it...

Joker Squad descended through the scorched metallic catwalks at a frantic pase. Christopher was just behind his captain as they ran, rifles in hand. He stole glimpses of the macabrous battle as his heart hammered in his chest, he was sweating heavily, and beginning to pant but he had to keep pace, they all did. They believed they could help their soldiers, their brothers, their planet, their lives. And even though some of them were tired of this war, they still ran on, because it was their duty.

They reached the main level of the ship's deck, where the majority of the battle was taking place. Seconds after they landed on the scarred floor, an rpg collided with the catwalks, scattering the walkways. The force of the impact threw the team away from the walls, closer to the battle.

Christopher's ears were ringing, he could feel a warm trickle of blood running down his scalp, and sharp pains were shooting all through his body as he gasped for air. Banzai crawled over to him and helped him get back to his feet, Chris quickly looked him over. His clothes and salvaged light armor were all covered in dark soot and his free hand was softly bleeding.

They pulled themselves along a little ways, up behind a low defensive wall. Jefferey regrouped with them, looking intact but the captian, who he was helping along, had a strong limp and his leg looked serious. Jefferey crouched against the wall, scanning the area over for immediate enemies while Banzai checked out Malakai's leg and his own hand. Chris looked over the barrier, they were close enough to the marines, if they made it to them, there would be hope. Then a bullet flew past his head and Jeff started returning fire.

Joker Squad tactically trotted over to the what was left of the Marines, which was a small and battered mass of soldiers, bruised and bloodied and backed into a corner, trying to find cover in the form of crude defenses. For the first time, Chris had a few moments to review the massive firefight.

The few Navy members on deck were trying to assist their fellow corps by operating defensive turrets but, they were drawing so much attention and taking so much fire it was really, simply, mere suicide. Infront of all this, a regiment of Defense Militia struggled to hold the staggering line of defense. They were forced to fall back continuosly as the assaulting force, bloodthirsty and holding the advantage, mercilessly pressed on. And, any warmachines small enough to have been boarded were on the deck, wreaking havoc.

The Grivvens, Chris thought, are really the only friendly force making any real progress. Their troop of roughly three dozen were boldly spearheading a weaker section of the invaders and were proving a great help to the Defense Militia's effort to 'hold the line'.

Malakai made a plan and started shouting at Banzai, trying to convey his orders. Then he did the same to Jefferey until he made his way to Chris, where he simply signaled to shoot the enemy. Chris saw Banzai sneak away, low to the ground.

Then the australian started firing calculatedly into the mass of the enemy. After they'd spent a number of rounds to the cause, Malakai and Christopher decided to start conserving ammo. With fingers, they counted to three and then hurled their grenades as close to the enemy as they could. Over the roar of the explosion, the Marines and Joker Squad cheered as flames engulfed their enemy.

The human force of Capt. Malakai, Christopher McDermott, Jefferey Dore and a troop of marines managed to press back the invaders momentarily. But soon, the enemy recovered from the unexpected ferocity of their prey, which they thought they had conquered, and began to pull forward. Little did those blood thirsty soldiers know that a mere flicker in nearby shadows would be the end to them all.

Low to the ground, Banzai Shimoto ran over to a portable bunker, established by his enemy but left behind as they gained ground. He quickly moved over the debris of corpses and equipment, to the big weapons, the weapons that could help his teammates. The bunker housed two turrets and one main artillery gun inbetween the two.

Banzai looked around, not ten paces from the bunker was a Bornger war wagon, a heavy equipment transport brought into battle by Borngers, and not five paces from that was a small opening in the ground, caved in by an explosion, which looked like it led to a dark sub level. Without drawing attention to himself, the japanese soldier loaded the heavy weapons and aimed them at the enemy. The he opened fire.

His first attack, using a massive turret mounted machine gun grabbed the enemie's attention as it cut into their rear ranks. When they realized they were being hit from behind and started to divide their attention, they were greeted by the artillery gun, scattering their soldiers and crippling their force. Then, absentmindedly, overwhelmed that the tides had so quickly turned, they returned fire but to no use. Banzai sprayed the bloodied and scattered mass with the last turret and then released a smoke grenade. He crawled over to the Bornger war wagon. Then he eased down into the sub level.

The invading force, so devastated from a that terrible flanking manuever, tried to scatter as one of their own equipment transports came flying at them. Without a driver, it ran over a number of soldiers, and then when it was deep in their ranks, it happened, the rigged war wagon blew up. From a nearby hole in the ground, Banzai sat with the detonators in his hands and listened to the rumble of the explosions. The Marines were saved, and the members of Joker Squad were unspoken heroes as they led through the rest of the battle.

* * * *

Hours later, Joker Squad sat on one of the higher balconies, overlooking the deck. Christopher had a deep scratch from eye to cheek on the right side of his face, and a minor head wound. Malakai had been shot multiple times but his scavenged armor had held thorugh, Jefferey had only minor cuts and scrapes, and Banzai had been shot in his off hand.

They all sat there, canteens in hand, silently thinking, thinking about home, thinking about the hundreds of dead below them, thinking about their wounds, and most important of all, they were thinking about their new teammates.

I revised the hexi outta that last installment and now im posting this so it recirculates as new, read it and tell me what u think of the BETTER version.
Sincerely,
~Torpid

Okay, first off: Me likey!!!

Secondly, there was a tonne of mistakes, I mean wow. I cant even put them all up in this post so I'll send you an edited version of your story.
Otherwise it was good.

Thanks for the PM, Jigsaw, thanks everybody else who commented, i need more though. I'll do the next part soonish probably....Gooday.
~Torpid

Sorry haven't read this until now. Got caught up in some school work and didn't get the chance to go online recently.

I can only suggest that if you wanted to make it better, especially now that you've just finished a big battle, that you take some time to go in depth into some of the characters so we can get a better feel for them. Some dialogue would work well to help give them more personality.

Other than that it's a good story. Keep up the good work.