Young Writers Society

*Please tear it apart.*

The Game

Jeremy Stryker walked into the quickly filling theater. Brushing the brown hair out of his eyes, he took a seat near the back, trying hard to hide the black name tag with the white number one on it under his jacket. People walked around the theater, chatting to friends or finding seats, each wearing a similar name tag, all displaying different numbers. Soon, everyone found a seat, mostly in the front. Quiet began to descend on the room, as the theater light slowly dimmed, eventually plunging the room into darkness.

On stage, at the front of the theater, a single, bright light flashed on revealing a man who had not been standing there before. Everything about this man spoke of great wealth, from the alligator skin suit to the diamond studded rings on each of his fingers. Even his blonde hair could remind a person of perfectly polished gold. The man stood there, his hands on his hips, eyes hidden behind black sunglasses. Slowly his mouth widened into a smile and he began to speak.

“Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to The Game,” the man started in voice that demanded attention and held authority. “I’m sure almost everyone in here knows who I am, but for those who have not heard of me, my name is Lawrence Green, inventor of Realistic Games. All of you here are the world’s top one hundred gamers, and have been invited to take place in the competition known as The Game. The winner of The Game shall be awarded one billion dollars.”

Excited chatter swept through the crowd as soon as he mentioned the prize money. The main topic being, how would they spend it. As quickly as the talking start, it quieted down again as Lawrence began talking again.

“Yes, I know the money sounds great, but I am sure what you all wanna hear what the competition will be like.” Lawrence stepped to the side of the stage as a large screen slowly descended from above. “As you all know, Realistic Games is the first to design a way to fully immerse a person into a game.” Lawrence gestured at the screen and the numbers one through one hundred appeared. “All one hundred of you will be divided up into twenty teams of five. You will fight together in a series of games, the winning team will be awarded one million dollars per person, and be advanced to the next round. There it will move on to an individual competition, and the winner of that shall get the grand prize of one billion dollars.”

“Now, I believe would be a good time figure out your teams.” The numbers one through one hundred disappeared and was replaced by the numbers one through twenty lined up top to bottom on the left-side.”Now, after the teams have been made, you will meet in the next room and sit at the table designated for your teams. There you may decide upon a team name and symbol. Now without further ado.” Lawrence clapped his hands and the numbers one through one hundred appeared randomly next to each number. “The teams have been made. Good luck, one and all.”

**********

Team six, Jeremy said to himself, finding his number. He cursed silently to himself as he looked at who his team was. Number one hundred . . . eighty-nine. You gotta be kidding me! The light on stage went out, plunging the theater into total darkness again, and as the lights around the room started to pop back on, Lawrence and the screen had completely disappeared. To the right of the stage, a set of red double doors opened up, allowing the crowd to slowly filter though it. With a sigh, Jeremy sat, and followed the line through the door.

Jeremy was slightly surprised when he walked through the doors, and found himself in a cafeteria. Though this wasn’t like ordinary cafeterias. Two football fields could fit in here side-by-side. Spaced far apart on the checkerboard tiled floor were twenty round table with five comfy-looking, computer chairs surrounding them. Hovering above each table was a single balloon with the team numbers on them.

Sitting down at the empty table with the six balloon floating over it, Jeremy sat back in his chair with his hands behind his head, and eyes closed. He was listening to the echo of everyone’s footsteps and conversations, when he heard the creak of a chair from across the table. Cracking open one of his eyes, Jeremy saw an older man, somewhere in his mid-twenties, who had black skin, hair cropped close to his head, and wore military-style uniform. A name tag on his chest introduced him as Corporal Andre Smith, of the U.S.M.C.

Jeremy sat up, as the other three chairs around the table were filled up. Next to Corporal Smith was a girl dressed shredded black clothing, whose hair was cut short, , spiked up, and dyed a blood red. Jeremy was reminded of a vampire, when he looked at all the white make-up on his face. To Jeremy’s right was another girl who looked like she was wearing pink pajamas, her was hair long and tied back into a ponytail, and she was carrying a large handbag with cartoon cats covering it. On Jeremy’s other side was another guy who was wearing jeans so tight, they looked severely uncomfortable. He wore some shirt proclaiming some band, and his hair was gelled back, keeping them from covering his grey eyes. Everyone looked around at each other, waiting for someone to talk.

After several minutes of awkward silence, Andre said in a gruff voice, probably from constant yelling, “Maybe we can start with introductions? Your name, gamer rank, and maybe why you’re here.” Andre fell silent as and waited for someone to start, but after no one was forthcoming again, he said, “My name is Andre Smith, I am a Corporal in the United States Marine Corp, my gamer rank is number eighty-nine, and I am here to win the money so my wasn’t have to overwork herself while I’m touring.”

Silence settle down around the table again, until the girl with the black clothing said, “My name Charon Hicks, I’m an asshole, so get the fuck used to it. My rank is number one hundred, got a problem with it, then fuck off, and I don’t have to tell you fuckers why I want the money, so back the fuck off.”

After several minutes of silence, the guy in the jeans said, “My name is Luke Johnson, my rank is number fifty, and I’m just here for a good time.”

Luke winked at the girl in the pink pajamas who giggled shyly, and then said in a quiet voice, “My name is Tiffany Jones, my rank is number thirty-six, and I’m here for some shopping money.”

Jeremy sat there for a while in silence. After several minutes of everyone staring at him he said, “My name is Jeremy Stryker-“

”The Jeremy Stryker,” said Charon suddenly. Everyone looked strangely at her strangely, but she only ignored them. “You gotta be fucking with us. Are you really the Jeremy Stryker, number one gamer in the world?” I nodded, and everyone looked at me in amazement. “Fuck, yes! We got a fucking chance of kicking everyone’s ass now!”

Jeremy coughed in embarrassment, and continued, “Yes, I’m the Jeremy Stryker, my gamer rank is number one, and I am here for the competition.”

“What should we call ourselves?” asked Luke.

“Maybe we should call ourselves The Wolves,” Andre said. “Seeing as our best player’s screen name is The_Wolf.” Everyone around the table except Jeremy, whose face had gone a deep scarlet, nodded in agreement.

As soon as it was decided that they would be The Wolves and their symbol would be a paw print, they settled down to bugging Jeremy, adamantly remained quiet, about gaming. Then, like an answer to his prayer, Lawrence Green, walked into the room followed by an official looking person wearing black suits and carrying clipboards. Everyone stopped talking as they watched the two people make their way around the room, stopping at ever table. After what seemed like an age, Lawrence and the official looking man came up to team six’s table.

“Hello, Team Six,” Lawrence said cheerfully. “Have you all agreed upon a name and symbol for your team.” Andre told him, and the official made a note on his clipboard. “Have you decided maybe on a color you want the paw print to be?”

Everyone turned to Jeremy for an answer. He looked around, not knowing what to choose, until his eyes came to rest upon Charon’s hair. “Blood red,” he said quietly.”

“Menacing,” said Lawrence. “Thank you all, if you would like some rest, Team Wolf’s rooms are on the sixth floor. Someone will be up to get you at ten, and he will take you down to the Reality Chambers to instruct you on them. Bye now.” Lawrence smiled widely, and walked off to team seven’s table.

Commence tearing.

Let's start with the biggest issue: Repetition!
Be wary of it. General nouns and verbs should preferably be used only once per paragraph. In the first paragraph you've used tag twice in consecutive sentences, seat three times, and theatre three times in that first paragraph and a fourth at the beginning of the next one.

You should aways do a run through to check for repetition. when you're concentrating and running through and editing sentence by sentence it has a way of slipping by unnoticed. This piece has lots of repeated words in it, and they need to go.

Commas
Commas are there primarily to make your sentence make sense, and to squish two clauses into a sentence. Otherwise it causes breaks in the writing which can be disruptive.
Your best bet is to try taking out each comma, and if the sentence makes sense without it, leave it out.

Clauses
Linked to the above. If a clause cannot stand on its own and still make sense, you need to remove a comma somewhere. For example 'the main topic being, how would they spend it.' In every day conversation the pause would be welcomed, but because in writing your reader can't detect a change in tone, they have to pause and think about it.

Character voices
Lawrence is a host, but right now he sounds a bit more like a teenage salesperson. His words should be clear and sharp. 'As you know' is an apologetic term that we use when we repeat information that has already been told. Lawrence doesn't need to be apologetic. It also doesn't make much sense when he uses informal words like 'wanna,' as well as formal words like 'shall.'

In the beginning of this story all attention is on him and what he says, so he in particular needs a distinctive voice.

Names
If there's only one person being referred to in a scene, it's better to say he/she rather than repeating their name. Little words tend to get lost in the background, so your reader won't notice them getting repeated. Names are nouns, and stick out much more.

Descriptions
Your reader can't take in several descriptions at once, especially if the people being described haven't been given names yet. Even if it leaves your reader lacking an image for a page or two, it's much better to throw in references to their appearance throughout the chapter rather than dumping it all in at once.

Here, there and everywhere
If a word isn't needed, you should get rid of it. If it's not adding to the text then it's taking away. You've got a few prepositions in this piece that don't really need to be there.

Nitpicks
"Inventor of Realistic Games." Realistic games have already been invented. If you mean that Realistic Games is a company, then he would be the founder. Or, if he created and made the technology, then he would be the inventor of the [insert complex name] system.

Charon...
...needs to stick a Parental Advisory sticker on his forehead XD

Overall
I like it! It's not the most original plot, virtual reality gaming has been done before, but I'm interested in this one. It seems much more story orientated, without the dump of technical details and the attempted flashworks.
The best thing about this is your characters. They all have their own distinct personality and style, and they really give the story a boost. I think you should take a little longer introducing them, they deserve it. I like Jeremy too, he's a good choice for a protagonist.
This is a good start Just remember to fix that repitition.

Yo, I don't do plot, grammar and characters, I do sentence structure and internal consistency. Here we go:)

Quiet began to descend on the room, as the theater light slowly dimmed, eventually plunging the room into darkness. - the 'hall', perhaps even 'the great hall' I think is more accurate in this case than the 'room'.

Everything about this man spoke of great wealth, from the alligator skin suit to the diamond studded rings on each of his fingers - the guy's some way off, so unless the diamonds are the size of bricks, play with light twinkling on his fingers and stuff

The winner of The Game shall be awarded one billion dollars - that's not a paltry amount, unless this is the near future and inflation has made this the price of a Volvo or something:) So, add some drama. Have him wave his hands, speak with dramatic pauses, add some music or light-emphasis to his words. It's showbiz baby. As the excitement ripples through the room, add a details concerning did anyone expect such a prize? Does it sound impossible? Possible?

Now, I believe would be a good time figure out your teams. - they are randomly selected at the end of the paragraph, so maybe change the wording? Like - time to see who teams up with whom or something.

Next to Corporal Smith was a girl dressed shredded black clothing, whose hair was cut short, , spiked up, and dyed a blood red. Jeremy was reminded of a vampire, when he looked at all the white make-up on his face - whose face would that be?

On Jeremy’s other side was another guy who was wearing jeans so tight, they looked severely uncomfortable - heh, go all the way, why not? Say something like 'wearing jeans so tight you'd expect him to speak in a squeaky soprano' or something:)

his hair was gelled back, keeping them from covering his grey eyes. - who would 'them' be?

Andre said in a gruff voice, probably from constant yelling - time to call captain reconstructo. Something like 'in a voice gruff from constant yelling', or if you insist on keeping it not a 100% certain, 'in a voice so hoarse it was obvious he was a heavy smoker or a heavy yeller', or something.

I am here to win the money so my wasn’t have to overwork herself while I’m touring.” - it's a bird, it's a plane, it's captain reconstructo...

Silence settle down around the table again, until the girl with the black clothing said, “My name Charon Hicks, I’m an asshole, so get the fuck used to it. My rank is number one hundred, got a problem with it, then fuck off, and I don’t have to tell you fuckers why I want the money, so back the fuck off.” /heh, Andre touched his lips to see if he was drooling. He was always somewhat sensitive that way to vamp girls whose every second word was to do with copulation./

Then, like an answer to his prayer - expand 'his'. Like 'the fidgeting champ's'

You know, as Lawrence and the costumed dude walk into the room, and also judging by everything else you've described, there seems so far to be no need for the hall to be two football fields wide, and this setting has not been put to any use, nor really described. Maybe scale down a bit? Either that or describe every time how far off is Lawrence when he enters, if too far - how do they know it's him, etc.

Anyways,so far it looks like you actually know where you're going with this, what will take place and at what length to wrap it up, which is fairly rare. Too many people start something with very vague ideas, write about five chapters and then realize they have no idea or motivation concerning the next million pages and give up. This seems good for a quick novella, unless you've got diverging subplots and drastic setting changes up you sleeve to pump it up into a steroid novel.
Please continue and keep at it as not to loose motivation halfway through.