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Her Molten Core - Chapter 1 (16+)



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Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:58 pm
Snoink says...



I had seen weird things before, but this took the cake. In fact, it not only took the cake, but it exploded it. Right in front of me was a man wearing a black t-shirt, about five sizes too small, jeans that bunched up at the crotch, very noticeably might I add, and shoes that looked more like what my grandma wore. Definitely the height of uncool.
I was doing my best to ignore him, which I admit I wasn’t doing very well. In five minutes my bus would come and then I could busy myself with schoolwork and pretend that he didn’t exist. But now, I had to look for the bus, which had an inconvenient habit of either coming much too early or intolerably late. I looked at the street and started counting red cars. One red car, two red cars, three...
“I have dark hair.”
I glanced at the man – indeed he had dark hair. And he was closer to me, closer than comfortable. I shifted and tried to smile. “Why, yes, you have dark hair.” Crazy bastard.
He smiled too. I made a mental note that if this guy ever stopped being completely creepy, I would have to ask him for his dentist. He seriously had the most perfect teeth I had ever seen. “I have piercing blue eyes.”
Uh huh. “That’s nice.” I turned away. Another red car went past. Was it fourth or fifth?
“Can you feel the heat?”
“Um.” I looked at the sky. It was late September and it looked like it might rain. I glanced for the bus. It was nowhere in sight.
“The heat,” he tried again. “Your juicy heat between your thighs.”
I narrowed my eyes. What did he just say? “Excuse me?” I tried to make it sound as menacing as possible, but he seemed to only be encouraged.
“I want to stick my shaft into your juicy heat and reach your core.” He bent down on one knee. “Marry me.”
“Fuck you.”
He stood up and smiled. “Fuck you.” He spread his arms as if he wanted a hug and smiled even more. “I want your core.”
I gripped my bag tighter. “One more step, and you’re getting a genetics book hurled at your head,” I hissed.
“Marry me,” he said.
“I’m calling the police,” I said, grabbing my phone and flipping it open. But, just as I said that, the screen changed. The phone went dark and the words “Marry me” began to scroll on the screen. I looked up – the man was smiling even more.
I had to be dreaming. This couldn’t be real. It just couldn’t. But, as I stared at him more, his smile became broader and his eyes darkened until they turned black.
“I will give you my heart,” he said. “And you will marry me.” Before I could say anything or even kick him in his balls, he touched his chest and his chest opened. I stared.
What the hell?
Inside was a single electronic device that looked strangely like a heart. It pulsated and was covered in so many wires that it seemed incomprehensible. I stared at him. I wanted to run, really, I did, but at that moment my legs decided to turn to lead. I gulped. His smile became as wide as a Cheshire’s cat’s. He took out the heart – his heart – and handed it to me. “Give me your core.”
I couldn’t move.
He came closer, still with a wicked smile on him. And I still couldn’t move. I could feel his breath on my face. Oh yeah, this was going to end badly...
And then someone else shoved me to the sidewalk. “Don’t move!” a man cried, grabbing his cellphone. He pointed it at the man with the Cheshire smile and pressed a button.
The man with the Cheshire grin stopped smiling. And then he exploded.


For a full minute, all I could do was stare at the wreckage. The acrid smell of smoldering electronics parts infiltrated my nose and his heart, if you can even call in that, made a calm plopping sound. The man squatted down next to me and took the heart out of my hands. He glanced at it, tweaked some wires, and smiled.
“Good, good. Completely destroyed. One more down.” He tossed it in the trash and turned an analytical eye toward me. “Well, that explains it.”
“That explains what?” My voice came out meaner than I intended, but for once, I didn’t care. I stood up shakily, taking out a bit of metal that clung to my hair, and felt my arm. It was bloody. I had scraped it.
He looked surprised. “You can see me?”
“Of course I can,” I said, annoyed. “But what does it explain?”
His eyes danced and an even wider smile appeared on his face. “It explains why he came after you. You’re a very curvy woman. Very luscious. Not very thin at all.”
My face turned beet red. I had never really considered myself beautiful – but I hadn’t also thought of myself as completely ugly. I was average and, as far as I was concerned that was fine. And what the hell was he doing anyway, talking about what I looked like when he just exploded the poor bastard? Not that I had particularly liked the man while he was alive. But really? Exploding him?
I looked around desperately. It was broad daylight, but nobody seemed to notice the explosion. Nobody seemed to care. They just walked past us, their eyes gliding from us as if we weren't even there. At first, I thought this was a mistake. And then the bus rumbled past us.
“Hey!” I cried, rushing after the bus. “Wait!”
“The bus can’t see you,” the man observed.
I ignored the man and ran after the bus, waving my arms frantically. “That bastard! He just went right by.”
“Like I said, the bus can’t see you.” The man leaned over and pointed to a crowd of people walking across the street. “See them? They can’t see you either. You’re invisible to them.”
I glared at the man. “You’re full of shit.” Then I hurried toward the people. “Hi guys, wait up for me!” I said. But, as I came closer, a shield seemed to spring up. I stumbled back and landed on my ass. I stood up and swore. Then I turned to the man. “Who the fuck are you?”
“An assassin,” he said, his face calm. Then, when he saw my blank stare, he smiled sympathetically. “They can’t see you because he gave you a virus. There are little microorganisms that are living on you who have given you some form of invisibility. And it’s absorbing your words and transmitting it in a different frequency so that you can’t even say anything to the other people walking by.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Is it?” He gestured to the bus stop. “You only saw me after he touched you. I was here the whole time. I was trying to track him down and discover what he wanted.” The man frowned. “I didn’t expect him to say the things he said.”
I shuddered. That was his problem, not mine. “So, if I am invisible, how can you see me?”
“That doesn’t matter.” He waved his hand like it was unimportant. I was about to slap him, but something in his face stopped me. “What is important,” he said slowly, “is that you stay invisible, at least for the time being. The virus will protect you for now.”
“Protect me from what?” I snapped.
“Protecting you from those Fabios who want to possess your core.” He smiled at that. “Your hot, molten core.”
My cheeks were on fire. I might have kicked him in the balls, but then an old lady almost walked into me. Almost. Just as she brushed past me, a strange sort of tingling came over my body and I was pushed away by her mere presence.
I fell – the man caught me and chuckled. “It’s okay,” he said smiling. “As long as he doesn’t have dark hair and blue eyes, we’re safe.”
“Piercing blue eyes,” I muttered.
“Yes, that too.”
I looked at him. His eyes were a completely unremarkable brown and his hair brown too. Nothing dark and handsome about him. But, it did feel nice that he was holding me. Really nice, in fact. Except for the fact that he was a fucking assassin and that he just exploded someone right in front of me.
“So I’m invisible.”
“Yep.”
“And she couldn’t touch me.”
“Yep.”
“And it’s because of a little virus.”
“Uh huh.” He smiled sympathetically. “We’ll have to test the virus on you, of course, but I believe that it is biological virus that has adapted itself with electronic means. It must have set up an electromagnetic pulse wave just now so that she wouldn’t touch you.”
“Do all assassins know about this?”
“Only the better ones.” He bit his lip. “Look, I know this is hard to take in at first, but all I’m asking is that you trust me. I won’t hurt you. It’s them I’m after, not you.”
Them? There’s more?” And he wanted me to trust him? Was he fucking insane? All I knew about him was that he had wonderfully strong arms that felt very good around me and that he exploded people with his cell phone because he was an assassin. Oh sure, I was going to trust him. I didn’t even know his fucking name. He had to be insane.
I was going to tell him to fuck off, when his body tensed. He set me right. “Two of them are coming now. I can’t fight two off. We better run. Here, follow me and get into the car. We’ll make a run for it.”
“You can’t take on two?” I said, my voice rising hysterically. “You just exploded one of them! What kind of fucking assassin are you?”
“A very poor one, apparently,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Because obviously a good assassin should have an unlimited supply of targeted EMF exploders.”
“What?” EMF. Short for electromagnetic field. Who knew that my physics class could be so useful? I frowned. “But, wouldn’t that mean they’re electronic?”
“You held his heart. You tell me.” He looked at the men, frowning. “We should go now.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
He sighed. “Listen. Those Fabios over there? They don’t know what they’re doing. They’ll kill you without a second thought. That’s why I have to kill them first.”
“But why would they kill me?” I asked.
He swiped a hand in his hair impatiently. “We don’t have time for this! They’re coming for us. Are you coming with me or not?”
“I have class in an hour! And besides, you’re a strange man. Why should I think that I’ll be any safer with you than them? Plus, you did say I have a virus. Maybe that will protect me.”
“Only because it’ll eat your human innards from the inside out,” the man said sarcastically. “Your core will be less appetizing to them. Delicious, no?”
I froze. The men had seen me. They started to run toward us.
“Listen, if you stay, they are going to hurt you. Come with me. I know a place where you can get an antidote for the virus. And then, I swear, you’ll never see me again. Promise.”
The men running started to get goofy Cheshire smiles on their faces. “My staff will plunge into her heat all the night and we shall live happily ever after!” one of them cried.
I turned to the man. Assassin or not, at least he didn’t seem like he would rape me. Not like those guys. I shuddered automatically. “Where’s your car?” I asked.
“Follow me.”


When he said “car,” I thought that meant “car.” You know, an automobile. Little did I know that it was more like a jet engine on crack.
Think of James Bond’s car and how tricked up it was. James Bond’s car was nothing compared to this one. As soon as I went into the passenger’s seat, he turned on the engine and a series of lights turned on. It was like he was in a jet cockpit.
“Put on your seatbelt,” he commanded, and I didn’t even think twice. I strapped myself as tight as I could and held on to the surprisingly plush armrests which had a total of four cup holders in them.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Huh?”
“Your name. You have one, don’t you?”
“Um. Is this the proper time?”
There were more men following us now, about sixteen. The glass was thick – I guessed it was bullet-proofed – but I could still hear them yelling, “Core! Core! Core!”
I buried myself in the chair as much as I could. “Call me Rory,” he said, slamming on the accelerator. Instantly, three men were flattened by the car. Electronics parts from their bodies skittered across the hood.
“Don’t worry,” Rory said cheerfully. “It’s covered by insurance.” He put it in reverse and ran over the bodies. When I stared at him, he winked. “Just in case.”
“Sure.” I looked around... even more were coming.
He looked in my direction and swore. “How good are you at aiming?” he said.
“What?”
“Aiming.” He pushed another button and immediately controls for a machine gun appeared right before me. “Point and shoot,” he said. “Simple.”
I stared at him. “Are you James Bond?”
“Nah, better.” He barreled forward and ran over five guys. “Nine down, fifty to go,” he said cheerfully. “Don’t forget the shooting part.”
“We’ll never make it out of here,” I said. Several hundred more were coming toward us, screaming, “Core! Core!” All of them had dark hair and piercing blue eyes.
Piercing...
“Shit. The lasers.”
“Lasers?”
“Yeah, from their eyes. They’re not called piercing for nothing.” He pressed another button. “Rockets, engage!” he yelled at the car. The car made a purring sound. And then it leapt in the air. The men that had come were engulfed in a blinding fireball. But we weren’t there for long. We landed on the freeway and Rory slammed on the accelerator.
He tossed me his cell phone. “Would you make a call?” he said. “Speed-dial five. I’ll tell you what to say. But it’s rather urgent.”
I stared at him. More precisely, I stared at the background whooshing by him at an incredible speed. Plus, whenever we passed a car, there was a lurch from the virus or whatever the hell it was that was making me invisible. I felt sick.
“Maybe you’d better make the call,” I said.
“Are you kidding? I don’t have a hands-free device. If the cops find me, they’ll fine me through the roof. I don’t have that money.”
“Um. You’re going 130 miles per hour.”
“So?”
“The speed limit’s 70 miles per hour.”
“And, your point is?”
At that moment, a cop wheeled behind us, siren blaring and lights blinking red and blue. But Rory didn’t stop at all. “Look in the mirror. Tell me what his eye color is.”
I began to protest. “It’s too far away. I’ll never be able to see from here.”
“Just do what I said.”
I sighed, making my lip into a pout, and glanced at the mirror. And then I gasped. It was impossible not to see his eye color, a bright shining blue, contrasted neatly with his tan skin and dark brown hair.
Rory frowned. “As I thought. I wondered how they could see us.” He veered off the freeway while I watched in horror as the cop crashed into a beautiful classic Mustang. He looked at my face in the mirror and frowned. “Don’t worry, the other car had one of them in it too. They’re in full force today.”
I shivered when I heard the word them. “Who are they? And what do they want?” I paused. “What do they want with me?”
Rory sighed. “I’ll explain that later. Let’s just get somewhere safe. It’s dangerous right now.”
“But—“
“Do you trust me?” His voice sounded edgy.
I nodded and felt myself shrink. For a couple of minutes, we didn’t say anything. “Where are we going?” I asked finally as we twisted through residential areas, each area becoming more and more dilapidated with every street.
“To my house.”
“Yours?”
His voice was gentle. “I won’t harm you.”
“I know.” The words surprised me. An awkward silence followed. Just when I opened my mouth for another topic, he swerved into a parking space and turned off the ignition. Then he turned to me.
“By the way, what is your name?”
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:52 am
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megsug says...



Hey,
I liked the story. I didn't find many things wrong but there were a few things here and there. I like the humor. Humor is one of the things I'm bad at writing. Really horrible. So I enjoyed reading your humor. :D




For a full minute, all I could do was stare at the wreckage. The acrid smell of smoldering electronics parts infiltrated my nose and his heart, if you can even call in that, made a calm plopping sound.

I got what you meant by "calm plopping sound," but I'm not sure if that is the best way to put it. For one, calm is one thing that I wouldn't think I would here after an explosion. Plopping might not be the best onamonapeia. Popping, maybe?

And what the hell was he doing anyway, talking about what I looked like when he just exploded the poor man. Poor man?
“The bus can’t see you,” the man observed.

This is small, but you might try bus driver or something else because technically a bus can't see. I got what you meant.

I might have kicked him in the balls, but then an old lady almost walked into me. A shield came from me and it turned me breathless. I fell

Maybe explain why she fell. I didn't understand.

– the man caught me and chuckled. “It’s okay,” he said smiling. “As long as he doesn’t have dark hair and blue eyes, we’re safe.”


I didn't get what he said. Call me dumb.

I was going to ask him what his name was, when his body tensed. He set me right. “Two of them are coming now. I can’t fight two off.

He pressed a button to destroy the first one. Why can't he do that again? Two isn't that big of a number. If he is really better than James Bond can't he take two?

“Shit. The lasers.”

What lasers?

He pressed another button. “Rockets, engage!” he yelled at the car. The car made a purring sound. And then it leapt in the air. The men that had come were engulfed in a blinding fireball.

:o OMG! Totally better than JB! Rocket car is awesome.

But we weren’t there for long. We landed on the freeway and Rory slammed on the accelerator.
He tossed me his cellphone. “Would you make a call?” he said. “Speed-dial five. I’ll tell you what to say. But it’s rather urgent.”
I stared at him. More precisely, I stared at the background whooshing by him at an incredible speed. I felt sick.
“Maybe you’d better make the call,” I said.
“Are you kidding? I don’t have a hands-free device. If the cops find me, they’ll fine me through the roof. I don’t have that money.”
“Um. You’re going 130 miles per hour.”
“So?”
“The speed limit’s 70 miles per hour.”
“And, your point is?”

I liked this part, but I thought they were invisible.

“Do you trust me?” His voice sounded edgy. [/quote]


I'm sorry, but I just got this flashback to Aladdin. Had to go on that little tangent for a moment. It has nothing to do with the review. Anyway.



Okay. That was it. I really enjoyed the story line. I like Rory a lot. Thanks, by the way, for the review on my essay. There were lots of good tips for the many essays that seem to be in the very near future.
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Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:32 am
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Shearwater says...



*gasp* Snoink posted something. Must review :3
Right in front of me was a man wearing a black t-shirt, about five sizes too short,

How can a T-shirt be too short? I can understand small, but short sounds like weird. Maybe it's just me?

I glanced at the man – indeed he had dark hair. And he was closer to me, closer than comfortable. I shifted and tried to smile. “Why, yes, you have dark hair.” Crazy bastard.

D: Creeper much?
“One more step, and you’re getting a genetics book hurled at your head,” I hissed. I grabbed my phone and flipped it open to dial 911.

In all honesty, I would call for more of a stronger threat, here. This guy's is a totally creeper. I would run! Not threaten him with a book lol. But hey, whatever you have on you, right?
He regarded it for a moment and tweaked some of the wires. Then he smiled.

I think 'regarded' sounds odd here. :?
talking about what I looked like when he just exploded the poor man. Not that I had particularly liked the man while he was alive – I’d admit that. But really?

I know she said that didn't like the guy, who would? But I still find it weird that she would call him 'poor man'.
Anyways, he was a total creeper! Was he even a guy? Wasn't he a machine? D:
Creepy.
“I didn’t expect him to say the things he said.”

Pssh, neither did I.
“Protecting you from those robots who want to possess your core.” He smiled at that. “Your hot, molten core.”

Bahaha! XD
Awkward.
After all, he was a decidedly unimpressive man. Shows you how much I know.

I don't think he was unimpressive. He did blow up a guy.
“The speed limit’s 70 miles per hour.”

I understand this is quite comical but come on! XD
Who would even be worrying about that right now? lol

Anyway, Snoink you are brilliant!
I seriously enjoyed reading this. The beginning was definitely a catch. Your humor, through the roof. ;)
I liked the characters you created, very interesting and quirky. I was laughing throughout your entire piece, haha.
Everything in here seems...so impossible and weird, I actually had a hard time seeing it. On another note, your protagonist seems to be quite unaffected with the whole weirdness going on here. Maybe it's just me, but I thought she was very calm in the situation. Especially during the 'ride'.
Of course, you have a totally new word here, a very weird world, might I add. So, maybe she's used to seeing machine guys and being totally invisible?
Perhaps, it's just her character to be sarcastic in these types of situations. Anyways, although it was humorous, there were a few parts where I was asking myself why she would behave that way. No biggie, however, it's just the first chapter and I'm totally uneducated about this 'idea'/'world' so I won't bother you about it too much.
Overall, it's still interesting and you've captured my interest. I hope you post more of this ;)

~Shear
Last edited by Shearwater on Mon Oct 04, 2010 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:01 am
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StoryWeaver13 says...



LOVE IT!!! I only had a few things that kinda bugged me...
The first was the clothing description of the first whatever-it-is. The way you called a t-shirt "short" just seemed kinda weird. Also, there were times like when she fell that I didn't realize she fell until you told us that *after* she fell. Then there was just little things here and there that probably could've been worded better or changed up. I don't understand how you can call the creepy guy a "poor man" and the assassin who just exploded a guy "unimpressive" just because he's got average appearance. But ya know, I still seriously loved this. It was action-packed and awesome.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
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Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:45 am
Snoink says...



Thanks for all the comments! I took in a lot of your suggestions and edited it accordingly. :D

Anyway, the edits!

short t-shirt ---> small t-shirt

Poor man ---> Poor bastard

Falling scene --> hopefully more clarified!

Cell phone death ---> more explained!

laser part ---> explained!

regarded sentence ---> rewritten!

unimpressive man ---> rewritten to slightly more impressive!

robots ---> Fabios! (They're not quite robots anyway... it gets explained in chapter 2, no worries!)

So, hopefully that will help make the story a bit better.

Thanks for all the comments! They were soooooooooo useful. :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:24 am
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Zoya says...



SNNOOINNKK <3 yea you know what i mean.... XD buy that i mean you already know where this comment is going and if you don't then maybe i should say something brilliant before i end this. I won't though because I'm tired. :3

wait i see there's a review checklist so I'll add those in.

My general thought on the work is AWESOMENESS!! XD Of coarse thought my brain is like "wait this isn't how it would be in reality" then the other part of my bran is like "Well this isn't reality... DUH!"
I really like how original your story is and how you came up with the idea of this story ;) yep all those cheesy romance fics weren't for nothing.
Oh i already mentioned to you about the misplaced line in a sentence. hmm what else could i say....

I WANT YOUR CORE!!!

*now comes with piercing blue eyes*
  





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Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:19 pm
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Vanadis says...



Oh, Snoinkers. *shakes head*

I knew you'd be up to something, as soon as you started telling me all about those trashy romance novels, and here it is.

This is really interesting and hilarious. Fabios, bahaha! I...really have no suggestions to improve at all.

I really like the protagonist and all her "Oh, I know I'm in something weird but I have to be logical" thing. Cause it kinda...well, chicks in trashy romance novels =/= logical, to the point where it's unbelievable--well. You know. You're the one who's pointed all this out to me.

So, yeah. Good read. Looking forward to more.

<3 Freyja
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Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:42 pm
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Sins says...



Yo. Snoink.

Your stuff always entertains me to the max, but I've never reviewed any of it. Go figure. Most of the time, I read your stuff weeks after it's been posted, so I always get to it way too late. I thought I'd be a good girl and actually review something of yours for once.

I had seen weird things before, but this took the cake. In fact, it not only took the cake, but it exploded it. Right in front of me was a man wearing a black t-shirt, about five sizes too small, jeans that bunched up at the crotch, very noticeably might I add, and shoes that looked more like what my grandma wore. Definitely the height of uncool.

Pfft, sounds hot to me. I loved the opening of this, by the way.

“The heat,” he tried again. “Your juicy heat between your thighs.”

... okay

“I want to stick my shaft into your juicy heat and reach your core.” He bent down on one knee. “Marry me.”

Oh, and it gets worse! :lol:

I gripped my bag tighter. “One more step, and you’re getting a genetics book hurled at your head,” I hissed. I grabbed my phone and flipped it open to dial 911.

This is just how I'd react, but before opening my phone to call the cops, I would have looked to see if anyone else was around. Before your MC considers calling 911, maybe you could mention her checking the area around her, hoping that someone else will arrive at the bus stop. Plus, she doesn't seem all that panicked considering there's a pervert with tight trousers asking her to marry him. I understand that this is obviously supposed to be funny, which it is, but your MC doesn't seem too afraid of what's going on.

He took out the heart – his heart – and handed it to me.
“Give me your core.”

And she just took it from him? O.o

And what the hell was he doing anyway, talking about what I looked like when he just exploded the poor bastard?


They just walked past us, their eyes gliding from us as if they couldn’t focus on us.

Sorry for being annoyingly picky, but the repetition of us sounded a bit awkward to me here.

“That’s stupid.”

Very.

I shuddered. That was his problem, not mine. “So, if I am invisible, why can you see me?”

I'm not 100% sure on this, but shouldn't it be how can you see me?

Just as she brushed past me, a strange sort of tingling came over my body and I was pushed away by her mere presence.

Just a suggestion. ;)

“Piercing blue eyes,” I muttered.

“Yes, that too.”

He needs to get his facts right. *Shakes head*

“Only because it’ll eat your human innards from the inside out,” the man said sarcastically. “Your core will be less appetizing to them. Delicious, no?”

I'm probably annoying you now... Sorry. You used this phrase just a few sentences ago, so I'd suggest that you maybe change it so it's more varied.

The men had come closer and they had seen me.

Tense slip up here. ;)

Electronics parts from their bodies skittered across the hood.

I don't think you need the s here.

I stared at him. More precisely, I stared at the background whooshing by him at an incredible speed. I felt sick.

I know they're invisible and junk, but what about the other cars on the freeway? That old woman managed to push your MC onto the ground by merely touching her slightly, wouldn't the other cars have some kind of effect?

“The speed limit’s 70 miles per hour.”

“And, your point is?”

Amen! :P


Overall

Certainly another enjoyable read thanks to you, Snoink. You probably think I'm some kind of stalker who reads your work, yet never shows her face, and you know what....? That I am. Anyway, as a whole, this was a really great piece and a very funny one too. I loved how your MC had a hint of sarcasm to her character. I myself use sarcasm a hell of a lot, so I guess I can kind of relate to her. Always look on the sarcastic side of life. The plot so far is certainly original and I think that you wrote it out well. A lot of Sci-Fi writers have problems with describing things in a way that everyone can understand. When you create unreal things, you have to be careful that not only you understand what you're describing, but that others understand it all too.

There's only one thing I can think of when it comes to critique's, which is that I found some of your MC's reactions kind of... weird, I suppose. I understand that this piece is supposed to be funny, but there were times when I could see that you wanted things to be a tad bit serious. To be honest, I don't think I want you to make this piece much more serious than it is right now. It's just that, for example, when your MC was thinking of phoning the police, you described her as being afraid, but it seemed slightly weird because she didn't seem to come across as scared to me. This is more of an opinion thing really, but even in a comedy based story, you need to make sure that the other emotions come across as well as the humorous ones. Does that make sense...?

Other than that, there's nothing that I can think of which I want to mention. Besides, you're much wiser than me when it comes to writing. You are The Almighty Snoink, after all. I had the odd little nit-pick for you, but nothing serious. Sorry if I repeated anything that was already said, by the way. I didn't read the previous reviews... I'm cool like that. One last thing! I really loved the way you opened this chapter. The cake thing was clever because from what I could tell, your MC is... rather large. To open the piece with a description of a cake really suited her and her personality. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose, but it was clever.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins :)
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.
  





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Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:18 am
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silented1 says...



There are little microorganisms that are living on you who have given you some form of invisibility. And it’s absorbing your words so that you can’t even say anything to the other people walking by.”


But then you cannot talk at all?

He had to be insane


I thought you were beginning to understand all this?

Sorry, that was all I could come up with.

Good luck, keep writing. Sorry for the bad review.
Silented1.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

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Tue Oct 05, 2010 6:07 am
Snoink says...



Zoya: I LOVE YOU TOO! <3

Mrs. Fishy T: Hahaha. You know it! ;)

Skins: Yay! Thanks for all the help!

Silented>> PFFT. That was a lovely critique! I'll have to look at your last point more critically before I make any changes, but I'll definitely consider it!

Basic changes:

Phone scene --> rearranged...should be smoother.

Microorganisms bit --> more explained.

Skins's grammar pointing-outs --> changed

And, I think it's electronics? Not sure. I'll ask my dad, who was an electronics technician, lol.

As far as her personality and stuff, I'll probably look at that later! So far, just basic edits now.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:24 pm
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Jas says...



Hey,

I should be getting to school so this'll be a short one. At first, when I read the title I didn't notice how it said 'Chapter 1" because I was wondering if the 16+ rule really did apply to me. Anyway, I thought this was amazing! It was so funny and creepy and the 16+ rule didn't really apply to me because I've read fanfictions that were a lot worse (shudder). I don't understand the electronics part of this but why on earth would she just take his "heart". That's creepy. Umm, I like the sarcasm and your cursing isn't annoying or overused like some stories. :) So uhh, yeah. I gotta get to school. I'll definitely be reading the next parts of these! Oooh, btw, I'm almost done with FREAK. :D

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~
  





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Tue Oct 05, 2010 12:29 pm
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Button says...



Okay: So I'm going to go through my reactions before actually reviewing this.

First thirty seconds of reading: What the fuck?

Minute and a Half: Ohhhhkay. That makes sense. Cool story.

Two Minutes: ....What the fuck?



But I get it. :)
Great story- very interesting. I think that the pace could be slowed down a bit if you're making this a book-length type of thing. People tend to jump into the stories, but we really don't know the main character. We can't relate to her as much as we'd like if we don't know her; there was a great deal of action in this chapter, and there isn't time.

Also- can everyone else see the robot-people-thingies? With the black hair and piercing blue eyes? :)
Because she could see him before he touched her, but then a bunch of them were chasing after the car... it seems that they would be quite conspicuous, a large group of people that looked exactly alike. And are we going to have an explanation as to why they chose HER, rather than someone else on that bus?

Overall, I think that this was written well, and I really like the humor- I'm just curious about more of the background stuff I guess. The details you don't have to have sorted out yet. :)

Nicely done!!
  





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Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:02 am
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emoinpink says...



Umm... What the fuck?! What the fuck. What. The. Fuck!

So, you took crappy science fiction, James Bond, trashy romance, teenage drama and a pinch of rape, beat it all together and whirled it past us at a million miles an hour?

I didn't like it. (I was about to say 'sorry', but you know, I'm not.) That's just my opinion.

And btw, I'm LOVING Freak.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb
  





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Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:09 pm
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Mr.Knightley says...



Hiya Snoinkers! =D

So, this was pretty dang awesome, I have to say. I love your oh-so-Snoinkish narrative voice, what with the humor and sarcasm and all. :P

As a whole, it really is great! I could only find a few things that bugged me a bit, and I'm sorry if someone else has already gotten to them (but I am not reading all of those reviews!) ;)

I gulped. His smile became as wide as a Cheshire’s cat’s.


I think you meant to say "as a Cheshire cat's"? Also, isn't there only one Cheshire cat? If so, then it might be better as "the" Cheshire cat. : )

Also, I think you could make the main character's reaction to these sudden impossible events a little more realistic. If I were her, I'd be dead afraid of some random creepy guy trying to rape me, and I probably wouldn't be able to find the words to threaten him with a chemistry book. And I think I would be shaking all over, and I wouldn't just "get over it" when he suddenly exploded. I would keep looking down at his remains in disbelief.

And since she's human, I think it best that she have a little hesitation/guilt/etc. over running the robot-Fabios over with a car. Even if one of them tried to rape her, they still look almost completely normal, and it would be easy to forget that they're robotic.

That's really it on my end. Overall this was a great read with a great hook, and I can't wait for more! Thanks for posting it. ^___^

-Timmy
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Fri Oct 08, 2010 12:28 am
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khunter says...



WOW! this is amazing! you are amazing as well. But like most of these comments, I have some issues with some stuff on here... soooooo...... Let the Constructive Critisism begin :D

He bent down on one knee. “Marry me.”

Here, I don't think he would have just bent down on one knee. Maybe try to take your hand?

That's all. lol :D I like this a LOT! F I N I S H T H I S! I'm in love with Rory! He's the kind of guy I want to marry! It's my facebook status now that I want to marry Rory! lol
"Everything should be made simple as possible, but not simpler"
--- Albert Einstein

Thank you for writing the Love on her arms.
  








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