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Shadow of the Dawn



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Tue Oct 05, 2010 11:23 am
WaitingForLife says...



This is something I started a few summers back and have just begun to write again. It's an attempt at a first-person approach, so please tell me how bad I failed and how to possibly improve :D The main character is inspired by the main character in the Dresden Files. An awesome series of books if I may say so, I strongly recomend them. On to the first chapter of the novel~ish thing -->


Chapter 1


Year 2220, Day 136

I fled through the ankle-deep sand. The heat crept through the soles of my boots, the faint odor of burning rubber lingering in my wake. My airy trousers billowed in the howling wind as I raced for the cover of a nearby dune. The bullets whizzed past my ears, so close that I could feel them screech their way into the desert floor. A red welt was starting to form on my left leg where the butt of my rifle was digging into the muscle. Legs screaming in protest, I took the last few strides and leaped over the ledge of the dune. I landed hard, my knees buckling from the impact.

“Shit!” I cursed and got a mouthful of sand in return.

I coughed, took a breath, swallowed bad tasting water and slowly raised my face out of the sad-excuse-for-a-puddle, taking my bearings. I shook my head and retrieved my rifle. A hastily performed check informed me that at least the powder was dry. Then, on my hands and knees, I painstakingly crawled over to the ledge, and ever so slowly lifted my rifle out from underneath me. Any sudden movement could be, and almost certainly would be, fatal. I risked a peek over the ledge, my vision partly clouded due to the desert brown scarf I had tied over my head and face.

Three men, two on foot and the third on a motorcycle. The one on the motorcycle was the head honcho, the boss; his presence left me with no doubt. He wore unquestionable authority like a cape around his heavy-set shoulders. He wore, and not just metaphorically, full black clothes embedded with the symbol of R'Shnisha - a flailing pigeon in the beak of an eagle. This particular patrol had been after me for 6 days, night and day. In the first few days they had underestimated me and I had gotten off a few lucky shots - four to be exact.

Now as I watched the leader roar orders to the two others, he sort of reminded me of the leaders of the 22nd century, not caring about anything or anyone but themselves, even when facing total destruction of the world. And hell, do I hate those bastards. They raped a perfectly beautiful world and molded it into the barren wasteland it is now. No food or resource to spare; a dog-eat-dog world. The survival of the strongest and... however the saying went. Well you get it, life was shit.

My parents had told me about the world before the Acid-Rain, or the Blight, or the End-of-the-World-Thing-a-Magigy; the disaster has many names. Anyway, the world where my great-great-grandparents had lived. It was mostly rubbish. Supposedly there were cars that moved by gasoline, toxin-free air, stuff like that. The only thing I believe in the stories is the piece of man-made magic cradled in my arms; gun-powder rifles.

Sure you have your average laser-rifles, but they just aren't the same thing. The paralyzing kick-back of the rifle, the acrid smell, the damn mechanisms that jam every thirty shots... Now that is the gun-powder rifle. The fact that laser-rifles cost some serious bucks - and me being broke - could have biased my opinion though... Well, life can't be too easy. Life would be boring without pain and sorrow and death, and--

I was interrupted from my cheerful thoughts by a messenger of death, in the form of a bullet. I quickly drew my head back into cover and rolled down the side of the dune.

Guess it's straight to plan B, I thought, spitting sand from between my clenched teeth. "Run fat boy, run!"

Not that I'm fat, as a side remark.

So then I ran for the better of the afternoon, dodging bullets here and there, watching out for the motorcycle all the time. I couldn't keep my jaw from dropping when I got a closer look at the 'cycle as I almost ran into it while clearing the corner of a boulder. I didn't know you could get the killing-machine attachment for only $19.99 extra. Twin Gatling-guns mounted under the hand bars; not to mention the rocket launcher on the side. I could use one, that's for sure. I faintly realized I was standing still, gaping at the 20-ton killing machine roaring towards me. Fortunately my instincts took over and I continued running for my life.
***


“Okay, I've had enough of this cat-and-mouse game,” I growled under my breath, as I ran under a protruding ledge, some thirty feet high, for the 2nd hour straight.

I pulled out my secondary weapon, my trusty hand-gun. It doesn't look like much with its fading polished metal plate and the rust here and there, but it packs a punch - plus a few other things too. I switched on the modified grenade launcher attached onto the underside of the pistol, targeted the ledge from a run, and pulled the trigger.

A small, hooked wire flew out of the barrel with the approximate force of a stampeding bison. It hooked onto the ledge and - when I hit a button - started reeling itself in, and in the process I rocketed skyward at about seven miles per hour. I reached the ledge in a tad less than four seconds, scraping my elbow as the wire ended and the rock started. I bit out a curse and clambered onto the ledge.

"Now all we need is bait," I mused.

I looked around me for inspiration. Tall walls sprouted from the ground, extending their gnarled fingers towards the heavens above. The small outlet I was standing on protruded out of the southern-most wall. The walls had most probably formed a building long ago, all that now remained was the rough outline of the borders. The same in common English: naught but shit to work with.

Oh boy, just my luck...

Then, on a burst of genuine intellect, I pulled out a circular metal ball, pushed a button on it's surface and lugged it downwards toward the ground as hard as I could. As it neared the ground, I pulled in a deep breath and held it. The next second it hit the ground, bounced once... bounced twice... and then it went click, and all hell broke lose. The fire and flames roared out of the once small ball and engulfed everything within a sixty meter radius in a hellish sea of fire. The ground shook with the sheer force of it; walls of rock crumbled, sending splinters of chipped rock flying in every direction.

One of these little devils clipped me on the cheek, rolling me 180 degrees, the ledge protecting my body from further missiles. Then, after what seemed an hour, there was only the eerie sound of rocks hitting the sand with muted thumps. I lay there, gasping for breath, drawing in deep gulps of still hot air and focused on finding my battered sense of hearing.

After a while I could almost think straight, and found the ledge half destroyed, rocks scattered in every direction. Next came the pain, the red-hot, muscle-deep, jaw-clenching, practically overwhelming pain. In other words, it hurt like hell... and a hell of a lot more. I think I passed out for a while here, but when I forced my rebelling limbs to propel me up from the rubble, I faced total destruction.

The walls of rock had mostly crumbled, leaving only slightly higher dunes than normal. Only the wall I was on had somewhat survived from the explosion, due to the fact that I had thrown the grenade away from it, and in the process, me. This was to be expected seeing as it had cost me a fortune. Realizing that, I let out a stream of vicious curses. Cursing doesn't do shit to help the situation, but it has been scientifically proven that it helps with extreme stress. And yes, this counts as extreme stress.

Once I had myself under some measure of control, the debris had almost subsided, and I could faintly make out the voice of Mr. Roars-Out-Orders, surprise, surprise, roaring out orders.

“Well, at least they heard it,” I said aloud, but couldn't make out my voice over the ringing in my ears. "Damn, that guy must have good lungs."

I faded into the oblivion of sleep in a fit of giggles verging on madness.

An hour passed, then another, and another, until it all dissolved into an illusion of a stream of endless moments. My limbs were stiff with pain and cold. The numbness kept creeping up my arms and legs, reaching out to my chest with icy fingers. The toxins in the atmosphere also caused extreme weather conditions, allowing the heat to ascend and descend at it's own whim. And if that wasn't bad enough, it seemed to have an impish character, always seeming to be hot when you craved cold and vice versa.

I reached for my leg, trying to massage the numbness out of it. I had pulled my cape around me as tight as possible, but the wind seemed to mock me with the ease it penetrated my defenses. Clenching my teeth, I strained my neck to look over the cover I had hastily built to shield myself from the conditions. The rocks didn't help much, because the wind seemed to blow in every direction at once. Once out from the cover, though, the wind wasted no time ravaging my face.

My eyes felt like they were being sucked into my skull, and the flesh of my face seemed to rip away. Even the sheer coldness was unbearable, and I strained every muscle I could to keep my eyes open. Through the tears and wind, I could barely make out the slender silhouettes of my pursuers, but I knew that they would have to make camp in a while. Nothing could escape the icy teeth of the wind, especially here in the wide open desert.

I hid my face from the wind and added a rock to the pile in front of me. Praying to every God I knew - which amounts up to one - I settled down onto the rock-hard surface. Then I curled up, wound my cape tighter around my shivering form, and forced myself into a dreamless slumber.
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Sun Jan 16, 2011 7:12 pm, edited 9 times in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Tue Oct 05, 2010 11:30 pm
Shearwater says...



Hi Life, Pink here!
First of all, welcome to YWS!
Penguin for you :3
Image

On to the review!

Nitpicks/comments

The heat crept through the soles of my boots, the faint odour of burning rubber lingering in my wake

I think you meant *odor.
“Shit!” I cursed and got a mouthful of sand in thanks

I think this sounds better if it was return instead of thanks.
I was lying, and a second ago, face down, in a pool of filthy water on the opposite side of the dune.

I think the 'second ago' part was a tad bit confusing and I had to read the sentence twice. >.<
My parents had told me about the world before the Acid-Rain, or the Blight, or the End-of-the-World-Thing-a-Magigy, the disaster has many names. Anyway, the world where my great-great-grandparents had lived. It was mostly rubbish. Cars that moved by gasoline, toxin-free air everywhere, stuff like that. The only thing I believe in the stories is the piece of man-made magic cradled in my arms, gun-powder rifles. Sure you have your average laser-rifles, but they just aren't the same thing. The kick-back of the rifle, the acrid smell, the mechanisms that jam every thirty shots. Now that is the gun-powder rifle. The fact that laser-rifles cost some serious bucks, and me being broke, could have biased my opinion though... Well, life can't be too easy. Life would be boring without pain and sorrow and death, and--

This is a lot of info-dumping really. In fact, I think it totally pulls you out of the awesome action you had going on. It's like hitting a brick wall while you're running, I have to read it, climb over it to get back to the action and run again. Do you see what I'm saying? I think you could have saved this bit for a later time, really.
One more thing, I noticed two fragments in here. I went ahead and put them in pink ;)
I was interrupted from my cheerful thoughts by a messenger of death, in the form of a bullet

I must tell you, I'm really enjoying the way you've worded these sentences.
I lay there, gasping for breath, drawing in deep breaths of still hot air and focused on finding my still battered sense of hearing.

I don't like the repetition of breath/breaths here. :/
After a while, I could almost think straight, and found the ledge half destroyed, rocks scattered in every direction.

The 'almost think straight' bit is kind of ruining the sentence for me. I think it's because I keep reading it over and over again that I find myself making less sense of the sentence. I think you were trying to mention how he wasn't fully conscious or something. If so, I think it could have been worded slightly better.
Once I had myself under some measure of control, the debris had almost subsided, and I could faintly make out the voice of Mr. Roars-Out-Orders, surprise, surprise, roaring out orders. “Well, at least they heard it,” I said aloud, but couldn't make out my voice over the ringing in my ears, and then, “Damn, that guy must have good lungs.” Then I faded into the oblivion of sleep in a fit of giggles verging on madness.

I found this last bit kind of confusing. Why was he laughing again?
***


Overall, I found this to be quite skillfully written and it was presented nicely. Your word choice was amazing and the way you constructed your sentences was pretty neat. I mean, *thumbs up*.
My main critique with this story, however, was the setting. I know he's in a dessert and blah, blah - but, I was confused with a bit of the scenes you had going on. Sometimes, I had to reread a few sentences because I wasn't quite sure what you meant. I think you should take a second to picture your words, as beautifully as they were written, I think you could have focused slightly more on the setting in a few areas. Most likely during the beginning, it seemed like random walls were popping up in my head and explosions and the cycle guy appearing out of nowhere during a certain part. Where was it...it was when you said something about him running for his life again. Ack, I can't find it right now but I'm sure you know where I'm talking about. On another note, I liked how easy flowing this was. It wasn't too fast and not to slow, the action was nicely done and your descriptions were fun to read. :)
You built a pretty cool plot here, the idea of a futuristic waste-land is kind of intriguing and I find myself quite captivated by your words. =]
PM me if you decide to post more of this. I'll be glad to review/comment on it!
Hope I helped,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Wed Oct 06, 2010 1:57 am
ultraviolet says...



Hi! So, I'm not going to nitpick because I don't feel I can. I mean, there are spots I could point out, but I think that would ruin this for me.

See, right off the bat this seemed like something I would pick off the shelves and read. Descriptions; marvelous. Pasing; superb. No, this isn't perfect, but for a few minutes I wasn't just looking at words on a computer screen, zoning in on the bad so I can give a half decent review. No, I was in a desert, running for my life.

I love the setting. For most Sci Fi, you expect the setting to be somewhere nature's dead, but technology is swarming around. Shiny steel, reflective clothing, nifty weapons, that stuff. What I like about this is it's so anti that. So far it has the action and sheer hard work (how many Sci Fi books haven't you read where most things aren't actually physically straining, but rather someone trying to outsmart everyone else?) while still being in the future, showing us that this world isn't our own. For that, I commend you.

Mind PMing me when the next chapter's up? Maybe I'll be of more help later. XD

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:02 am
condirant says...



Overall it's good, I really like the beginning. I'm going to point out some little things I think you could improve. :)

I was lying, and a second ago, face down, in a pool of filthy water on the opposite side of the dune.


You could probably do without that. We already know where he is and that he just lifted his head out of the puddle, you don't need to repeat it.


“Run, fat boy,run!"


Who's saying this? I assume him, but it's not clear.

The kick-back of the rifle, the acrid smell, the mechanisms that jam every thirty shots. Now that is the gun-powder rifle. The fact that laser-rifles cost some serious bucks, and me being broke, could have biased my opinion though... Well, life can't be too easy. Life would be boring without pain and sorrow and death, and--


I like how you make the gun seem like an older out-of-date weapon due to the time period, good job there. You could add some nice pronouns to juice it up, though.


Code: Select all
I rocketed skyward at about twenty miles per hour.


You would be dead, or at least missing an arm or two. Sorry, I had to point that out. :)

Code: Select all
 Even the sheer coldness was unbearable, and I strained every muscle I could to keep my eyes open. Through the tears and wind, I could barely make out the slender silhouettes of my pursuers, but I knew that they would have to make camp in a while.


Nicely worded.

Overall I like it, if you work on it it really could become something great. Good luck. :)
"Life cannot give you serenity, but by the same token it cannot take it away."
  





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Sun Jan 16, 2011 7:10 pm
WaitingForLife says...



I just noticed that I never actually responded to anyone commenting on this... Ah, the days of an arrogant young writer...

Better late than never I guess, so THANK YOU for the comments. They were all very helpful, and were much appreciated. :)

I've edited it according to your suggestions, but not the info-dump largely because I just can't find another place to put it. When I do, I'll be sure to move it to a later time, as I noticed how valid your comment was, Shear. As for now, there it is. ^^

My humble apologies,
|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
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Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:12 am
Lauren2010 says...



Hey WaitingForLife! Thanks for entering the First Chapter Contest! Here's your thanks-for-entering review! :)

The heat crept through the soles of my boots, the faint odor of burning rubber lingering in my wake.

I would say "Heat crept through the soles of my boots, a faint odor of burning rubber lingering in my wake." since we (the reader) don't know what specific heat, or what specific odor is being referred to here.

The bullets whizzed past my ears, so close that I could feel them screech their way into the desert floor.

Same here, lose that first "the".

This particular patrol had been after me for 6 days, night and day.

Numbers under 100 should be written out; so "six" not 6. ;)

I enjoyed this chapter pretty well. It was fun to read, I really enjoy the style of this story/your MCs voice. It's amusing and very entertaining to read, which is great for drawing in a reader. I also really liked that you started us out right in the midst of action, another great way to hook in a reader.

The major issue I had, though, was the end. Everything seemed to get jumbled up, and I wasn't sure exactly why anything was happening the way it was happening anymore. Starting with the whole exploding/fire/ruins of the building thing. Why exactly did he do that? I thought the fire was a distraction, and he was going to blow up the people following him. But then he just blew up the building and ended up dazed and out of it, while the people following him were just fine albiet suddenly didn't know where he had gone/didn't bother to search the ruins. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Just clear that whole bit up and you'll be golden. :)

Well, again, I enjoyed reading this chapter. You've done a lovely job of first person (so don't fret ;)) and have given your character a very likable, enjoyable voice. Hold on to that, it will be the driving force of your story. Just don't let other aspects fall by the wayside. Keep an eye on how understandable everything is to the reader, and don't forget to include some basic description of your MC (I don't think I know his name, or what he looks like from this chapter). Other than that, great job.

Thanks again for entering!

-Lauren-
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