Young Writers Society

First things first, yes we all hate Prologues. But, I'm leaving it in here. Don't like it? Don't critique it. Be nice & Thank you for your time!

I sat quietly in my small bedroom, thinking of how damaged our world has become. How have we let this happen? Our existence is useless, with our population lowering rapidly. This is not what we wanted, this has gone to far. None have us have been able to live a normal life. As I remember that day, my body feels paralyzed.

"Surrender!" A strange voice said, booming in my ear.
"N-never!" My mother said defending her family. She was shaking with each of her children by her side, crying in fear. "Run, go, now." She whispered pushing us lightly.
"Are you sure?" The voice yelled, "It's you or the kids."

By her expression, these words made her heart sink to it's lowest. Without us, her life would be terrible. Us with out her, we'd be no where. By the orange, evil glow in the man's eyes, she knew her choice would be the best. She stood up, shaking, taking his pale blue tinted hand.

My head started spinning and my body wanted to collapse onto my hard bed. It's been about 3 years since that day. My little sister got taken, a month ago. I started crying and my vision was unclear. With all emotions bottled up, they seemed to burst. I felt like I was drowning and would never come back up. My life will never be the same, neither will Earth.

Look: I'm gonna critique this post but I want to get two things straight. First of all, prologues are not short stories. Second of all, I really, really hate prologues. Most of the time prologues are nothing more than unnecessary distractions that end up leaving the reader waiting for the actual story to begin. So with that in mind, I'll take a look at this.

xLollipopx wrote:I sat quietly in my small bedroom, thinking of how damaged our world has become. How have we let this happen? Our existence is useless, with our population lowering rapidly. This is not what we wanted, this has gone to far. None have us have been able to live a daily, normal life. I shiver as the flash back begins.

I used strikeout on the word daily because it wasn't necessary.

Also, thoughts don't need to be in italics, or even quotes for that matter. And saying "I shiver as the flash back begins" is a very awkward description which makes this first paragraph seem artificial. Why not just tell us, "I remember such and such day" or something like that.

"Surrender!" A strange voice said, booming in my ear.
"N-never!" My mother said defending her family. She was [trembling] with [me and my siblings] by her side, crying in fear. "Run, go, now." She whispered pushing us lightly.
"Are you sure?" The voice yelled, "It's you or the kids."

Again, the italics aren't necessary since we already know this is happening in the past.

These words made her heart sink to it's lowest. Without her kids, her life would be terrible. The kids with out her, would effect them. By the orange, evil glow in the man's eyes, she knew her choice would be the best. She stood up, shaking, taking his pale blue tinted hand.

Okay, this is supposed to be a 1st person narrator, right? So how does the narrator know what other characters are thinking? Long-story short, they don't. They may have an idea about what another character is thinking, the other character might even tell the narrator what she/he is thinking. But you cannot have a 1st person narrator specifically tell us what another character is thinking because we do not have access to that character's thoughts (unless your narrator is also a mind reader).

My head started spinning and my body wanted to collapse onto my hard bed. It's been about 3 years since that day. My little sister got taken, a month ago. My hazel eyes began to water. Earth will never be the same.

I didn't believe this description. No one says, "my x-colored eyes began to water." They say "I started crying" or some variation of the phrase.


The main thing all writers need to keep in mind when writing in the 1st person is that a 1st person narrative is a voice driven narrative. As readers we need to get a sense of how this character really talks, what sort of slang he/she uses. What patterns of speech they use. Do they speak in slang, cliches, do they use vulgarity. All of that needs to be present in the narrative.

What you have hear is not a voice-driven narrator. You basically have an omniscient voice narrator who happens to be telling the story from an "I" perspective.

I hope this critique has been helpful. Send me a pm or drop a post on my wall if you have any questions. And keep writing.

Okay, I'll try to fix it. It's not complete because I'm always adding more, thank you!
Oh, and I posted it in the wrong section of short stories, >:|

Hi xLollipopx! I'm Spork and I'll review this today. Before I begin though, I should tell you that reviews from people who may not like your pieces can also be helpful. (:

Green is grammar, pink is word choice, and purple is my commentary.

I sat quietly in my small bedroom, thinking of how damaged our world has had become. The tense switch here is kind of weird. Your MC is narrating in simple past, so you should continue to use past tenses, and not slip into present, so a change to "had" is better. How have we let this happen? Our existence is useless, with our population lowering rapidly. This is not what we wanted, this has gone to far. None have us have been able to live a normal life. As I remember that day, my body feels paralyzed. Yeah, this whole paragraph needs to be reworked, or maybe just change the first sentence to "sit."

"Surrender!" A strange voice said, booming in my ear. A better choice would be "boomed in my ear."
"N-never!" My mother said, defending her family. She was shaking with each of her children by her side, crying in fear. "Run, go, now." She whispered, pushing us lightly.
"Are you sure?" The voice yelled, "It's you or the kids."
This is obviously a flashback, and here you definitely need to use past perfect. (had said, had yelled, etc.)


By her expression, these words made her heart sink to it's lowest. Without us, her life would be terrible. Us with out her, we'd be no where. By the orange, evil glow in the man's eyes, she knew her choice would be the best. She stood up, shaking, taking his pale blue tinted hand. A first person narrator wouldn't even know this. This doesn't fit.

My head started spinning and my body wanted to collapse onto my hard bed. It's been about 3 years since that day. Again, weird tense switch. Also, in lit pieces, you need to spell out numbers, unless of course the number is over a hundred. So, "three" is best. My little sister got taken a month ago. Comma is unnecessary. I started crying and my vision was unclear. With all emotions bottled up, they seemed to burst. I felt like I was drowning and would never come back up. My life will never be the same, neither will Earth.

Okay, aside from the grammar issues, the premise is interesting and I think this piece has potential, after some editing.

Keep writing!

---Spork

Hey there!
Well as SPorkie said, people who don't like it, their reviews are helpful too.

xLollipopx wrote:I sat quietly in my small bedroom, thinking of how damaged our world has become. How have we let this happen? Our existence is useless, with our population lowering rapidly. This is not what we wanted, this has gone to far. None have us have been able to live a normal life. As I remember that day, my body feels paralyzed. Now, maybe instead of a prologue that begins on a normal day, you could have the prologue as that ill-fated day where you can describe the atmosphere, the scene, the emotions, all in 1st person of course.

"Surrender!" A strange voice said, booming in my ear.
"N-never!" My mother said defending her family. She was shaking with each of her children by her side, crying in fear. "Run, go, now." She whispered pushing us lightly.
"Are you sure?" The voice yelled, "It's you or the kids." This bit strangely reminds me of a Harry Potter scenario. Maybe you can write these same things in a different way? I am interested in what goes on here.

By her expression, these words made her heart sink to it's lowest. Without us, her life would be terrible. Us with out her, we'd be no where. By the orange, evil glow in the man's eyes, she knew her choice would be the best. She stood up, shaking, taking his pale blue tinted hand. As BN said, don't switch POVs unless it's a new chapter or an obviously necessary switch and you decide to want to do it that way.

My head started spinning and my body wanted to collapse onto my hard bed. It's been about 3 years since that day. My little sister got taken, a month ago. I started crying and my vision was unclear. With all emotions bottled up, they seemed to burst. I felt like I was drowning and would never come back up. My life will never be the same, neither will Earth.

Good luck.
~Lava