Young Writers Society

Hey guys, this is my latest work and I'd love some feedback on it. This isn't much, and it will be mainly action oriented but I didn't want to dump too much writing here in one go. If you guys like it I'll be sure to post more! Thanks, Roach.



Boredom. The Specialist Space Vehicle All Bets are Off accommodated least for boredom. It had state of the art re-breather units to recycle air, cutting edge hydrogen power cores for almost infinite energy, an Otter-Ford Faster than Light (FTL) drive and even cryogenics chambers for sleeping over long trips.
The problem was, at least for Lieutenant Riley Moore, none of these things were interesting in the slightest. He sat at a COM terminal deep in the bowels of the SSV All Bets are Off and watched status reports from hundreds of units under the Conglomerate Nations Galactic Command, or CSGC, pour in.
Many had the NAV-6 prefix for Navy ships, like All Bets are Off, while others had prefixes like ARM-7, AIR-8, and SPEC, for the Army, Air Force and Special Forces respectively. Riley was bored, and as he had done many times in the past out of boredom, he accessed one of the radio channels labelled NAVSPECWAR-NIXON and began to listen.
At first only static came through the COM’s speakers, but Riley realised it was a non-transmission channel and switched to the text conversion mode of the COM.



As the last line of text flashed on the screen Riley tried to process what he had just dropped in on. He scanned the COM information, looking at the transmission data. The signal was coming from Salvos, the planet that SSV All Bets are Off was orbiting, and Admiral Flank was his own CO.
But who the hell was Commander Kylan?

Hi Roach!

This is an interesting start. I'd like to see how it develops. Also, if you'd like to move this to novels section, just shoot me a PM.

This was a very short piece. I think you can spruce it up with more description. It would help us get a feel of the situation. You can 'show' us things about the lieutenant and maybe environmental description. The last bit with the transmission was interesting. But yes, you could give us a leetle more info to get us hooked onto your story.

Cheers,
~Lava

Nice. I'm intrigued.

The description and explanations were nice, but just as a warning, too much of it can come across as unpleasant infodumping. You don't have too much of a problem here, but that might just be due to the fact that it is so short and there is little room.

I second Lava in the call for some insight into the surroundings and the lieutenant himself. As is, we're getting some nice technical specs on the vehicle he's in, but we don't really know what it is like to be inside or how the lieutenant feels beyond being bored. How long has he been up there? Is he resentful that he's bored, or does he consider it part of the duty? How does he feel about things?

At first only static came through the COM’s speakers, but Riley realised it was a non-transmission channel and switched to the text conversion mode of the COM.

This was all gobbledygook to me. What exactly is a "non-transmission channel"? And if it's not transmitting audibly, then what is the point of having it? I'm assuming the people actually using it can hear each other, but if it is supposed to be a secret channel or something, then how can Riley access it? A little confused here.

All in all, this was an interesting start. I'd like to see where this is going to go.

*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling