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Once More, Unto the Breach Ch. 2



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Tue Oct 19, 2010 6:12 am
RoachRedford! says...



So this is chapter two, for those who said the first post wasn't quite enough to critique on. I hope you like it :)



———— Salvos, Loki Ice Ridge, 2533 ————

Commander Scott Kylan rolled as plasma seared the wall behind him. He was only on private COM’s with his team now.

“Bull, you still with me?” he said into the mike as he slouched behind a bulkhead, slipping a fresh magazine into his M7S rifle and chambering the round.

“Yeah Kylan, still here,” said a voice in Kylan’s earpiece inside his helmet. The HUD displayed on the inside of Kylan’s visor showed that only he, Bull, Lauren and Pitchy were still alive.

“Okay Nixon Team, we’re bugging out. Form up on me.” Kylan leant around the corner and fired two three round bursts from his M7S. One burst hit an alien in the chest, two rounds deflecting off its amour but the third hitting home and spouting forth green blood.

The alien staggered back, taken by surprise, and lifted the plasma rifle in its hands. Bolts of plasma spewed forward as Kylan ducked back for cover. The aliens they were fighting stood at around seven foot, each wielding rapid fire plasma rifles.

Bull was now next to Kylan, tapping him on the shoulder, as Kylan turned to face him Bull de-polarised his jet black visor so Kylan could see his face.

“Boss! We’ve gotta move!” he said as more plasma bolts melted the wall behind them, “Lauren’s already outside in the Sparrow and Pitchy is on the way out from the lab.”

“Move out,” said Kylan, following as Bull began to run back towards the entrance they had come through half an hour ago. A plasma bolt hit Kylan in the back, sending up warnings all across his HUD about shield overloads and he began to sprint.
All the members of the Navy Special Warfare division, or NavSpecWar, were issued with Tactical Battle Uniforms (TBU). The TBU consisted of a helmet, body armour and energy shielding system and was partially powered so it felt like it weighed nothing.

As Bull and Kylan turned a corner and saw the entry door, a voice came over the COM.

“Kylan!” it was Pitchy, one of the other members of Nixon Team, “I’m stuck in the lab, fifteen, maybe twenty aliens between me and the exit! I can’t get out!”

Bull stopped to face Kylan, both de-polarizing their visors. Kylan considered going back for his squad mate, even with aliens crawling all across the base. Bull mouthed a silent, no.

“We’re coming back,” said Kylan as he turned around.

“Dear God no! I’m a goner either way,” said Pitchy, the sound of his M7S in the back ground, “I’ve got about twenty five fusion cores down here with me. Tell me once you’re clear and I’ll blow this place sky high.”

Kylan didn’t like the thought of leaving a man behind, but he didn’t see many other options, “Okay. Good luck,” said Kylan, running after Bull towards the exit.

“Don’t need luck, I’ve got bullets.”


Outside, Lauren was in the pilot’s seat of the SLR-7 VTOL Patrol Craft, more commonly known as a Sparrow. The troop bay’s ramp opened at the rear of the vehicle and Kylan and Bull ran inside. As the Sparrow began to rise Kylan made his way to the cockpit and took a seat in the co-pilot’s chair.

Lauren turned to face him, the visor of her green armour was clear and she gave Kylan a sympathetic smile. Kylan patched back in to the COM with Admiral Flank and secured the channel as the Sparrow blasted away from the base buried in the ice.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!” screamed the admiral in Kylan’s helmet, “There are seven separate alien ships in the airspace and you’re taking a twenty-four-man reconnaissance vehicle for a fly?”

“Sir, we are in the air and coming to evac point three, I suggest you have a Stalker waiting for us or we’ll just go ahead and land in Torrance.” It was an idle threat; Kylan would never consider leading the aliens to the capital of Salvos. They were lucky that the aliens hadn’t yet sent a large enough fleet to explore outside the ice caps of the planet safely.
“Stalkers inbound,” said Flank, “You better have the data Commander.”

“Solid copy, over and out,” Kylan said and cut the COM. He took off his helmet, cobalt blue like the rest of his armour, and placed it in his lap. Kylan smoothed back his brown hair and exhaled deeply. He spoke again.
“Okay Pitchy, we’re clear.”

“May God have mercy on your souls my brothers and sisters.”

An explosion thundered underneath the ice about a kilometre behind them, and Bull opened the ramp so they could see. At first, nothing happened, just a low groaning noise as the grey slab that protruded through the ice began to shudder.
Then a great ball of flame exploded out of the roof of the base, sending concrete and ice spewing into the air. More fire shot forth, blasting outwards and the bottom of the ridge and cracking all up the sheer cliff face of the ice.

The base began to fall, the explosion blowing out too much of the ice underneath it to keep it stable, and within minutes it was laying in a heap of concrete, slush and flames at the bottom of a deep valley.

Kylan looked at the carnage. He was surprised he didn’t blame himself for the loss of half of his team, he blamed someone else.

Or rather, something else.
It's not the fall that kills you.

GENERATION 31: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
  





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Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:01 pm
Lava says...



Heyo Roach!

So, yes, this is bigger! Whoo! Onto my comments.

Well, it took me a moment to realize that this was in a different setting than from where you had left off. That isn't such a bad thing but you're plunging us right into action and I'd like some info thrown in too. So that, as a reader, we are hooked into the story. Once again, you need description. Like, 'show' us these aliens. Yes, you say they're aliens, but unless you show us something, all the action will be lost in the readers' heads. Description is used like a mordant - to fix the story in a person's head.
Lauren turned to face him, the visor of her green armour was clear and she gave Kylan a sympathetic smile. Kylan patched back in to the COM with Admiral Flank and secured the channel as the Sparrow blasted away from the base buried in the ice.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!” screamed the admiral in Kylan’s helmet, “There are seven separate alien ships in the airspace and you’re taking a twenty-four-man reconnaissance vehicle for a fly?”

“Sir, we are in the air and coming to evac point three, I suggest you have a Stalker waiting for us or we’ll just go ahead and land in Torrance.” It was an idle threat; Kylan would never consider leading the aliens to the capital of Salvos. They were lucky that the aliens hadn’t yet sent a large enough fleet to explore outside the ice caps of the planet safely.
“Stalkers inbound,” said Flank, “You better have the data Commander.”

Here, I got confused. Slow down. Give us detail. I didn't understand what's going on. You need to give some sort of basic info to the reader else they'll get frustrated.
The characters should be developed more. I got confused as to who's who and more importantly, I never 'connected' to any of the characters. You need to make them memorable.

Overall, the way you write the fast-paced action is really good. You just need to work on showing the readers the background info. We'd like to know at least half of what your head has plotted, y'know!

Cheers,
~Lava.
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








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