Young Writers Society

Chapter One: The Mission ( Mason )

September 17, 2063

A trickle of sweat dripped from Mason's brow, tasting salty against his tongue. What the hell does the president want with me?

Mason had been sitting in the cushioned leather seat for an hour now, ever since the mysterious call had been sent to his mom. She expected it to be for herself, knowing that during the summer Mason's friends were all away. But the woman on the other line asked for Mason.

"Hello?" he had spoken into the telephone curiously.

"Mason Deluise, we have a preposition for you," she explained. Mason was puzzled, he didn't regognize the voice of the woman. Her voice was very serious, high pitched, and she spoke without hesitation.

"I'm sorry, who is this?" he asked, switching the telephone to his other ear.

"My name is Ms.Shaw, I work at the white house in Washington D.C."

Mason had asked her what she wanted, but she had claimed that the president would explain everything to him. Mason decided quickly that he couldn't turn the president down, and decided to go.

And that’s how he ended up in the office of the president’s house. Waiting for the chat with the president that would change his life forever.

* * *

" Mason Deluise, you can come in now," the receptionist squeaked over the intercom. Mason proceeded softly down the white silent halls, he knew the cameras were keeping a close eye on him. His old tennis shoes were squeeling against the polished marble floors. Mason felt as if his knees were about to buckle, his stomach was twisting and his vision was hazy.

He pressed the button next to the large white door. It made a buzzing sound, and immediatly the door slid open. Mason's shaking fingers swung the door open. He strode inside, twisting his fingers.

The black leather chair in front of him swiveled around and facing him was President Cheryl White, the current leader of the United States as of 2063.

" Good day, Mr. Deluise," President White cooed, her voice was soft yet firm all the same. When she sproke, the white hair that was pulled into a bun, bounced about the top of her head loosly. Mason found it amusing to watch her as she spoke.

" Good day, ma’am," Mason replied softly, his voice cracking. President White gestured to the chair in front of the desk with her wrickled hand. Mason slid into the chair, allowing his head to sink into the soft black leather. His muscles began to relax.

" We have a mission for you," she proposed, leaning over the desk so that he could feel her warm breath against his face. President White smelled of peppermint, reminding Mason of Christmas time.

She stiffened, " We need you to traval back to 2015." Mason narrowed his eyes before asking her why. A sort of frown was plastered on her face.

"We need you to kill Maria Fondale."

- -

The statement surprised Mason, leaving his mouth gaping and a confused frown on his face.

"I know you have questions, but listen, I'll explain," Cheryl looked frustrated with him, although Mason couldn't think of why. She'd just asked him to go back in time and kill some girl he never heard of? What kind of president was this.

"Maria Fondale's great grandson is planning an attack on the United States military in two months. If the attack is successful, it will not only wipe out our armed forces, but will wipe out most of the human population. Your job, is to go back in time, and kill the girl before she has a family." Mrs. White paused as if she was expecting Mason to protest.

"If she never has a daughter, she will never have a grandson. If she never has a grandson, she'll never have a great grandson. And changing the coarse of time before the attack will make it so that her great grandson never exists."

Before speaking out again, Mason thought a moment, biting his tongue. "Why me"

Cheryl White chuckled a bit, "Dear I'm not sure you're ready to understand why-"

"You expect me to agree on going back in time when you can't even tell me why I was chosen? There's millions of other kids out there!" Mason exclaimed, his voice raising.

The president sighed, "Fine. But listen closely, it's a long story."

--

Hey. So, first off, spell check, gotta love it. I suggest you check it out. You aren't too bad in here, but this is a short piece and already you wrote "wit" instead of "with." I may sound a little harsh, but when someone has a mistake like that in their work, it sends a message to potential reviewers that they don't really care about their work, at least not enough to press a button.

Second off, dialogue. There's a lot of it with very little description. Or, there's not a lot of it but it mainly comprises the piece, which isn't good. Also, you don't need a space between the quotation marks and the words. It looks sloppy.

Thirdly, description. As I mention above, you lack it. You are very tell, not show, which is opposite the horrid but necessary advice Show, Not Tell. I can't really picture the scene, other than a generic white hallway and waiting room.

And though this might've changed by 2063, but I'm assuming you can't just walk into by the president without at least guards. And unless you describe why or why not the security is like this, you lose credibility.

Another issue is backstory. So far all we know about Mason is that he's a teenager that wants to skip school. Why would he possibly be picked for the assignment and why would his mother assume that a call from the White House is for her, as though such calls are of the norm? We want to know this stuff, we really do.

Also, unless you lengthen and fill this out with description (which I highly advise) this is really short. But I like the ending; it adds intrigue, mystery, and makes us want to know more. But unless the rest of the writing is up to par, the cliff hanger ending isn't going to keep us reading.

Sorry if this sounds a little harsh. If you have any questions about anything, writing related or other, feel free to PM me. Also, if you revise this, PM me so I can check it out.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Okay! Thanks, and no it didn't sound harsh- just honest. : ) Sorry, but the spell check isn't on it sometimes when I post.
: O Or maybe I'm going blind...

Thanks,
Teardrop

Ok, when I read the plot, I was really looking forward to reading it. The idea has a lot of potential, certainly something I'd like to read about, but when I read the first chapter I couldn't help feeling a little let down. You need, as ultraviolet pointed out, more description and generally more content. Describe his emotion a little more, the places in which he is, the journey and the people around him.
It was very rapid, also. I don't think that anyone would announce a proposition like that straight away to anyone, let alone a seventeen year old boy. Slow it down a little, let her explain, describe the atmosphere and the characters. Third person lets you see almost everything, and allows you to really go to town on the description. Use it well, because I want to know more - and I want to picture it!

Keep it up, I'd like to know more - but a longer and more informative chapter next time, please!

Okay, sorry. : D Thanks for the review! I'll work on being more descriptive.