In my opinion, your writing is very good, although I do think you could do a few things to improve, as we all can! First of all, most if not all, the things you put in brackets could be either individual sentences or in a sentence with commas. Also, if you put the speech of you characters in individual paragraphs I think it would be much easier to read. It may just be something that is just my personal preference but perhaps you could consider it. In conclusion, I think you have lots of potential! Good luck!
I agree with write4life--I think you need to separate your paragraphs a little more. This will make it easier to read. But other then that, I think this was really good. When you started talking about South Dakota, I started laughing. This is where I live, and yes, there are no earthquakes here, but I never thought any story would find its way to SD, a place with very strange weather. But this was very enjoyable! Keep writing!
"The only bad ideas are the ones never tried." - Puck, The Sisters Grimm
You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength. — Uncle Iroh
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